Long Distance Break Up Difficulties

[realfriends]

Hello all,

 

I recently went through a break up in late December after a 2.5 year relationship (previous thread). As a quick summary, we met in college (me-grad school, her-undergrad) and around the 2 year mark, she got a job out of the state that she accepted. We decided we would try the LDR out and things went fine for awhile. I visited her a few times and every time it was like nothing had changed. She is the type of person who does not have any hobbies and relies on their SO for entertainment (never was a fan of this, and I expressed it). Things started to get rocky in the last few months and we discussed breaking up a few times. This was all stemming from the fact that we lived in different states and based off of my career (which will be 12 years in college), I could not commit to her state, and she was not willing to move. Just as in my last relationship, I could sense things were off and the relationship was falling apart as she started doing things out of her normalities (this included drinking with friends, which she never drank, but I encouraged her as she could use new friends in a new state). Eventually, she called me and ended it, even though I told her I was committed, saying her friends had convinced her (quite the friends, eh). Compared to my last break up, I could handle this one, as I'm older and more experienced.

 

I did all the things I tell people to do (NC,NC,NC) and have been doing pretty well overall. I have had a handful of urges where I want to unblock her on Facebook, but then I remind myself, what good could come of it? Nothing. Sometimes my brain just doesn't except the outcome but I know as the person who was technically dumped, theres nothing I can do but heal. I have to accept that ill never see her or hear from her again in my life, which sometimes is hard.

 

This is just such a different type of break up than my last (distance vs. cheating) and the coping aspects are totally different, which is why I'm writing. I don't really have a question, I just like talking to others about what I am experiencing, and don't like bothering my friends with it (as I really over did it my first relationship).

 

Thank you

[mia251]

It’s crap when distance becomes such a big issue and the main driving force to end a relationship no matter how strong it may be. I’ve learned from my previous relationships is that there is a 50:50 chance of a long distance relationship working out. My last relationship, wasn’t working because he worked a lot and barely had any time to text me or phone me. I didn’t trust him either. I was constantly paranoid and he wasn’t very nice towards the end either. I was glad that there was a few hours distance between us. My current relationship is amazing. There’s like a 90 minute distance between us and I hate it! We miss each other a lot. He makes time for me. Texts me and calls me even when he’s at work. I trust him with all my heart. It seemed like your ex wasn’t willing to make the relationship work. Not to be harsh but she probably had enough. You’ll find someone else. Just have fun by yourself for a bit. The only you’re looking for with arrive when you least expect it.

[Els]

Sorry to hear that. It's really tough when careers draw a young couple apart - generally people are faced with a choice, make a career sacrifice or sacrifice the relationship, and it's hard to say what's right or wrong. 12 years long distance would be a very long time, and it's possibly for the best that both of you are freed up to date others. I'm a LDR supporter and my relationship has survived one, but realistically the length of time before the distance can be closed is a HUGE factor in a LDR's success.

 

All the best.

[realfriends]

Sorry to hear that. It's really tough when careers draw a young couple apart - generally people are faced with a choice, make a career sacrifice or sacrifice the relationship, and it's hard to say what's right or wrong. 12 years long distance would be a very long time, and it's possibly for the best that both of you are freed up to date others. I'm a LDR supporter and my relationship has survived one, but realistically the length of time before the distance can be closed is a HUGE factor in a LDR's success.

 

All the best.

 

Thanks for the response. 12 years was referring to how long I will be in school in total(undergrad + grad+ postdoc), just signifying why my values are the way they are. Ive always been one to air on the side of a career choice (whether in my first relationship where she wanted for us to compromise on a grad school together, or this one where she wanted me to compromise on my career). To me, it just makes more sense this way and then you never have to worry about someone blaming the other for where THEIR career is now that the relationship is over. At the end of the day, relationships are all about compromises and we could not mutually agree on an outcome that we were both satisfied with. I agree that there is a BIG difference between being in a LDR with an end in sight, and one with no clear end in the near future. Unfortunately, I was in situation #2 but sometimes things are just out of your control.