LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

Black. Everything All Black.


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Like Tree5Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 21st January 2018, 3:05 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 9
Black. Everything All Black.

Hello,

About a month ago my wife and I had a big fight. I woke up find her gone with our 2.5 year old daughter.

She decided that the past six months have been garbage. She said she would "try hard" to work on us when I found a therapist for both myself and joint sessions.

Our first joint session was last Friday. My wife opened by telling me that things were over, full stop. She yelled at me like never before. Said that I have been emotionally abusive for the past year. From what she's said in therapy, it seems to be because when we fight I don't react in just the exact way she wants.

She's focused on some bad things, exaggerated others, and flat-out fabricated some. She's forgotten about good things.

When she left I thought that we would be together again. This was a hurdle for us. We've faced tough times before. Which is why the finality of this is yet another kick in the teeth.

I learned she has been telling her friends terrible things about me.

During therapy she said I was a "bad guy".

She apparently told the therapist (after I left) that she got out of line with her yelling at me. But she's yet to apologize to me and I don't think I should divulge that she told me.

I don't know what went wrong with my marriage, and I cannot fix it. I'm stuck in an apartment that I don't know if I can afford. For ten months. My car is ancient and may die at any time. We were hoping that it would make it to spring. I don't make much and don't have much in savings.

I have tried to end everything a couple times. I no longer will. It's not fair to my little girl.

I'm trying hard to keep things together for my daughter. She's all I have left.

I find doing almost anything a herculean task. I have near panic attacks when I'm in a store. Especially if I see kids' stuff. I can't believe I have to face Valentine's after being without my wife for Xmas and New Years.

It's all overwhelming and I break down into sobs when I see a picture of my little girl.

I don't know what to expect by posting here, but I could use a little help.

Thank you for your time.
TheLIttleEmpty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2018, 3:13 PM   #2
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 27,592
Hang in there. that is the 1st step. You have been kind of blindsided so it's no wonder you are confused.

When somebody who feels emotionally abused finally stands up for themselves it comes out like the fireworks you experienced. You got blasted with both barrels. Note, I am not saying that you did abuse your wife & am simply repeating what she said, that she felt abused. Too many people are quick to label the slightest disagreement abuse. Just because two people yell (raise their voices) during a fight does not make that tone of voice abusive for example

Work with the therapist. Pinpoint every sin your Wife says you committed & objectively evaluate the allegation. If it does qualify as abuse, do what you have to do to stop that behavior. If she's overreacting, see if you can get the therapist to work with you to calm her down.

Meanwhile get your financial ducks in order to assure you can afford your living situation. If your wife & child really aren't coming back, consider getting a roommate until the lease runs out & you can get a cheaper place.

Also make sure there is a visitation order in place so you can see your child regularly.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2018, 3:30 PM   #3
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 9
d0nnivain: Thank you.

The therapist was silent while my wife yelled at me and flat out insulted me. I'm trying to be objective, realize that I'm not a robot to fit her every whim, but taking responsibility for what I've done. I know I'm not perfect. I have another appointment on Friday.

I did get some budgeting software and I will get to that soon. I have to comply with automatic court orders for family counseling this week. Not sure if I will get to it.

Thankfully she wants my daughter and I to be in each others' lives. I've had her for five or six hours every week since she's left (more or less).

Hoping to have her for overnights soon.

And I plan on submitting some type of co-parenting schedule to the courts.
TheLIttleEmpty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2018, 4:38 PM   #4
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 27,592
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheLIttleEmpty View Post
I did get some budgeting software and I will get to that soon. I have to comply with automatic court orders for family counseling this week. Not sure if I will get to it.
Please tell me you mean you are not sure if you will get to the budgeting software, not that you are not sure if you will get to the Court ordered family counseling. The counseling has to be a priority.

As for the software if you paid money for it, take it back now. There are too many free tools out there, including pen & paper to waste money on such stuff. You need about 1 hour to make a budget.

Take a pen, write down all your expenses -- rent. credit card bills, cable, car insurance, etc. You are going to have to this financial exercise for the divorce / child support anyway. Then write down your income.

Now comes the hard part. It's a 2 prong activity. Come up with another source of income -- sell stuff on ebay, get a 2nd job, drive for Uber/Lyft etc. Second figure out what you can cut. The easiest is going to be luxuries like gym memberships, magazine subscriptions, cable etc. Start reading blogs about saving money; search for things like cheapskate & frugal living. The first thing they are going to tell you to do is stop eating out, getting take out & buying convenience foods. They will suggest you eat at home, make things in bulk & bring your lunch & your morning coffee to work with you.

Good luck. You can do this. Maybe, with all the counseling your wife will change her mind, unless there is already another guy which sadly is usually the impetus for the outburst you experienced.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2018, 4:50 PM   #5
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 9
Sorry, I meant the budgeting software. Thank you for pressing clarification. I have the court ordered deal coming up this week. All scheduled and I have my paperwork and whatnot.

Re: Money: Things were really tight when we moved into this bigger apartment. If she wanted to determine a better time to screw me, she couldn't. Almost every expense has long been cut to the bone. Those things you've mentioned are not part of my life (eating out, etc). The good thing is we've lived without credit cards or debt.

There is no other guy. She assures me of that, and I believe her. No other girl, either.

Thank you for the well wishes.
TheLIttleEmpty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2018, 4:52 PM   #6
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 27,592
I'm sorry to hear that there will be no easy fix to the financial situation.

Since she has your daughter, can you stick her with the lease & you move out?
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2018, 5:11 PM   #7
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 9
Nope. She left here and moved in with her mother in a nearly $1 mil house on 50 acres. Tough life. She cried to the therapist that she has "nowhere to go".
TheLIttleEmpty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 21st January 2018, 5:15 PM   #8
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 27,592
Yikes.

Well the up side is that your daughter is safe & cared for.

I suspect that you are going to learn through all of this that the root of your STBXW's problem is money, in that you didn't have enough. Which sucks but she sound kinda spoiled.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd January 2018, 4:37 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 68
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. Unresolved fights and arguments can lead to an unstable relationship. I'll stand with you that you will search your heart and mind; that it is free from unforgiveness, anger and bitterness. And that your wife will desire to work on your marriage.
rickwman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd January 2018, 5:45 PM   #10
Established Member
 
BarbedFenceRider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Southwest
Posts: 498
I would try a few weeks of NC all together...And get your life into a semblance of order. You were just handed a bomb, and it's going to take some time to diffuse it. You have to deal with the trauma of separation. The embarrassment of inadequacy, and fear of the future.

But there is good news! You will get to the otherside. I would check to see what it will take to break the lease on the apartment. That would be a plus sign..Then, suck it up and get a small place that is within reason. Sorry, but you are in survival mode right now. Do you have a mentor or friend that can look from the outside in. It kinda helps to have an "outside" force that can keep things straight and keep you on a path. Are you involved with a church or other community group that is well grounded? These can be especially helpful when finding others that can give sound advice (read:free) and start lifting your spirit up.

I also second Donnivan's view that your ex is probably on a different level concerning income and self worth. The NC will help you distance your emotion from the break up, and also will give you clarity to realize your self worth without being compared to the ex's family status. I fully expect that you will be happy at the end of this. Happy with yourself and your self worth, being a father and a good man. That will make you "rich" to most others...As you look around our world today, lots of "poor" depressed and angry individuals. All without real purpose and drive. You are ahead of the game. And you are human, the pain you feel is real and it will end if you let it.

And as for the therapist...Keep going. It will give you insights into being a more full, well rounded individual. Not just for this disaster, but for life coming up. That will pay in dividends. I suspect the allowance of your wife's outburst is letting it all aire out. And he is taking notes to see where you compared to where you wife says you are...Let her have her outbursts...Just listen and not react to it. Don't be the monster she is making you out to be. On one hand she wants you to have a hand in your kids life. Next she calls you the "bad guy"..Hate to break it to her, but she can't have it both ways. If she continues the bad guy routine, don't expect to be in their lives much. As handed down by the courts...Courts tend to not be "men" friendly. I think she sees this. Hopefully she does.

Ultimately, I hope you do go NC. And ask your family for their help in such. You are going to be a great co-parent. But you need the time to get yourself in order to do so. And after, you will see that you can accomplish things and still be true to yourself and your kid. God bless.
BarbedFenceRider is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 23rd January 2018, 6:28 PM   #11
Established Member
 
dichotomy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: USA central
Posts: 4,538
I am sorry for whats happening.


You may be to blame - or not - or only some percentage - for what happened. But when my first wife cheated and our marriage ended - she felt not one bit of guilt or responsibility. She was nasty to me the whole time and in our counseling sessions. Our therapist at the end made me leave the last therapy session we had for about 15 mins. When I came back in the room - my soon to be ex wife had shed some tears (never did before or after this last session) and the the therapist turned to her and said "someting you would like to say to your husband?"...my soon to be ex said " I am sorry for cheating and treating you poorly". I knew then that the therapist had read her the riot act.

Sometimes - I think some people if they have been unhappy enough in a marriage - will make their spouse the bad guy - build up justifications of their "badness" to help them NOT accept any responsibility or guilt for what they do next. We demonize/dehumanize the other side to make it easier to do what ever is necessary to end things with them.


Some practical advise

1) If your apartment landlord has other apartments or properties see if you can negative a smaller or cheaper place. Other wise start looking.

2) You indicate your ex wife has a rich Mother (million dollar home) ? If so be prepared she might have support from her mom for lawyers. I will tell you from personal experience - having money for the best lawyers can make the difference in child support orders, visitation agreements and more.

3) If your wife views you as the "horrible bad guy" be prepared for her to take it out on you on child support and visitation issues related to the kids. Even in family counseling sessions to make you out as unfit. Prepare for the worst. When you go to these family sessions, you should be shocked, sad, and non combative - even if she is saying the worst stuff, simply say you dont understand and you only want to make things good for your kids.

4) If you have any family or friends - ask for financial and other support right now. Focus on basic safe housing, working transportation, and a semi decent lawyer.
__________________
“Now I see that I will never find the light unless like a candle, I am my own fuel”

Last edited by dichotomy; 23rd January 2018 at 6:35 PM..
dichotomy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th January 2018, 6:24 AM   #12
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
I would try a few weeks of NC all together
Sorry, what's NC?

Quote:
But there is good news! You will get to the otherside. I would check to see what it will take to break the lease on the apartment. That would be a plus sign..Then, suck it up and get a small place that is within reason.
Of course, I have to stay here until the divorce is final. But yeah, I'll see what I can do.

Quote:
Do you have a mentor or friend that can look from the outside in. It kinda helps to have an "outside" force that can keep things straight and keep you on a path. Are you involved with a church or other community group that is well grounded? These can be especially helpful when finding others that can give sound advice (read:free) and start lifting your spirit up.
No to all the above. I have friends that are concerned, but we're not super close (I'm an introvert), and they're not equipped to handle this. It's basically, "I'm so very sorry. I'm hoping the best for you."

Actually, I misspoke. I joined a men's group after she left. They know about the divorce. I will tell them about the rest when I see them next. I don't know what to expect, though.

Quote:
And as for the therapist...Keep going. It will give you insights into being a more full, well rounded individual.
I will. I have an appointment Friday and then I'm going to try a new one Tuesday. My current has been unhelpful, I don't feel compassion from her, and she was silent when my wife yelled and insulted me. She didn't stick up for me. Not once. I can't even defend myself.

Quote:
And ask your family for their help in such.
My family disowned me long ago for being an atheist.
TheLIttleEmpty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th January 2018, 6:41 AM   #13
New Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by dichotomy View Post
I am sorry for whats happening.
Thank you.

Quote:
<snip> I knew then that the therapist had read her the riot act.
Mine did exactly nothing. Zero. Like I said in the post above, I'm going to another one on Tuesday. But I doubt my wife would try again with a new therapist. It's like my one last chance was completely shot - DOA.

Quote:
Sometimes - I think some people if they have been unhappy enough in a marriage - will make their spouse the bad guy - build up justifications of their "badness" to help them NOT accept any responsibility or guilt for what they do next. We demonize/dehumanize the other side to make it easier to do what ever is necessary to end things with them.
I think this is correct. When she first left she was pointing out all these character flaws in me. Things that suddenly became an issue, despite being friends for over a decade. And now it's that I was "emotionally abusive", though the examples she gives were small infractions when we fought, because we handle arguments differently. Then she says it just wasn't when we're fighting, but can't give examples. And she either exaggerates tiny things or flat-out fabricates them.

So things have started out scatter-shot and now she's settled on a narrative.

Quote:
1) If your apartment landlord has other apartments or properties see if you can negative a smaller or cheaper place. Other wise start looking.
I will.

Quote:
2) You indicate your ex wife has a rich Mother (million dollar home) ? If so be prepared she might have support from her mom for lawyers. I will tell you from personal experience - having money for the best lawyers can make the difference in child support orders, visitation agreements and more.
It's better than that - she has a lawyer friend who is representing her for free.

She's stated that she wants to co-parent with me, so there's that at least.

Quote:
3) If your wife views you as the "horrible bad guy" be prepared for her to take it out on you on child support and visitation issues related to the kids. Even in family counseling sessions to make you out as unfit. Prepare for the worst. When you go to these family sessions, you should be shocked, sad, and non combative - even if she is saying the worst stuff, simply say you dont understand and you only want to make things good for your kids.
I've done this so far.

Quote:
4) If you have any family or friends - ask for financial and other support right now. Focus on basic safe housing, working transportation, and a semi decent lawyer.
There's no source of support of any kind, other than the men's group I mentioned in my last post.

I did find a lawyer that said he would work with me. Advise me, but not represent me. Because I can't afford his full services.
TheLIttleEmpty is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th January 2018, 8:42 AM   #14
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 27,592
NC is no contact. It is a luxury not afforded to people who share children with their EX. You don't have the option of never speaking to your EX again. First you will always have communicate to deal with what is in the best interests of your child. Second you have to communicate to work out the terms of your divorce.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 24th January 2018, 9:54 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 90
It's such a shock ....
when u feel everything is black, this is the sign of PTSD.
how is your sleep?
pls try to make your sleep safe and okay, if your sleep gets worse, it will be hard to cure.....

if this therapist doesn't care much or help u much, u always can change a new one.
and do self therapy.

everyone going thru such kind of trauma nowadays , it seems,
what kind of world we r living...?
unit1 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:10 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.