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Dealing with the bad days


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 5th January 2018, 10:03 PM   #1
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Dealing with the bad days

Hey all, if anyone wants to read the full background on my story I have a pretty long thread. I haven't been on LS in a few weeks because I've actually been doing rather well and felt really happy for a while. Today however was a bad day which I get from time to time and I guess I just want to know how people deal with the bad days. I find myself dwelling on every detail of our breakup and everything I wish I had done differently that may have made him stay instead of begging and pushing him away.

And then I find myself angry and confused all over again that he would leave what we had, a mature, deeply connected and perfect relationship, to replace me with someone who is clingy, jealous, insecure and (forgive me if I sound like a b**ch) not intelligent or intellectual. On bad days I just question why he would leave for something/someone lesser when he knows what we had was amazing and the cause of our breakup was his own fear of getting hurt one day or hurting me down the road.

I guess the most prominent emotion I feel on the bad days is betrayal that he could replace me so quickly (no they were not talking before we broke up) and with someone pretty who is pretty bland. I also feel frustration that I recognize what we had but he was too afraid to take the risk. How do you deal on the bad days?

I try to remind myself that college seems to have changed him and he is not the same person. I try to remind myself that if he wasn't ready to commit to me, there's no way he's going to buckle down for the long haul with the first girl who comes along after me.

I try to remind myself that if it's meant to be it will be but I need to move on because he has extreme maturing to do. But I can't seem to get off the hamster wheel of my thoughts on days like this and find myself just missing him desperately and wishing I knew if he missed me too or if he's perfectly happy now.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 6th January 2018 at 9:11 AM..
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Old 5th January 2018, 11:32 PM   #2
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I'm in the same boat you are. I'm going on almost four months post break up and most of the time I feel pretty good, but there are some things that just snap me right back to the night we broke up. Then I feel everything all over again. It sucks. It makes me feel like I am taking five steps backwards, but the moments come less and less.

I just ride through it. I've done my best to "get over it" as fast as possible...but it isn't working. Exercising, keep busying and even dating haven't cured those moments. They still happen and I am just allowing myself to go through the motions. At this point I feel like I won't truly move on unless I allow myself to feel everything. I guess we all just have to realize its not easy losing someone who was such a big part of our lives. Break ups can be traumatic. Healing is a process.
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Old 5th January 2018, 11:48 PM   #3
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I'm in the same boat you are. I'm going on almost four months post break up and most of the time I feel pretty good, but there are some things that just snap me right back to the night we broke up. Then I feel everything all over again. It sucks. It makes me feel like I am taking five steps backwards, but the moments come less and less.

I just ride through it. I've done my best to "get over it" as fast as possible...but it isn't working. Exercising, keep busying and even dating haven't cured those moments. They still happen and I am just allowing myself to go through the motions. At this point I feel like I won't truly move on unless I allow myself to feel everything. I guess we all just have to realize its not easy losing someone who was such a big part of our lives. Break ups can be traumatic. Healing is a process.
exactly how I feel, I guess time is the only option. Ive also tried exercising, dating others, finding new hobbies etc. but those are merely distractions and dont help when you're lying awake in bed at night wondering if you cross your mind or if they ever miss you as much as you miss them or how they could replace you so quickly.
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Old 6th January 2018, 9:19 AM   #4
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I do feel for you - the sense of betrayal is one of the most difficult emotions to get through, and the frustration, confusion of it all. I am not sure I deal with bad days very much at all. I tend to switch off more, do less, rather than take the classic advice of keeping active. Life becomes terribly inert and probably looks terrible from the outside, but it is just my way of coping. I think being still, feeling all the memories and the emotions from them, is a way of coping, of healing. One can be still and disengaged in a gentle way. The fires will eventually die down and little by little it won't matter so much. It has been 1 month NC for me and today it hurts more than normal, so I am switching off and staring into space! Tomorrow I might do something more engaged and colourful - but not today.
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Old 5th February 2018, 4:22 PM   #5
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need a vent *feel free to also vent below*

Just a quick vent for my first bad day in a couple of weeks.
Today I'm more angry than hurt, but still hurting almost 5 months later. Mostly questioning why. Why does he get to leave and be happy right off the bat? Why is he the one that gets to immediately forget/replace me and find a perfect relationship with the first girl who comes along less than a month after me, and less than a week after he told me he still loved me? Why does it get to work out for him while I feel alone and lost months later. Why does he get to be so happy and not even have to process our breakup for more than two weeks? Sometimes I feel like I should be the one in a happy new relationship and he should be kicking himself in the a** losing something as amazing as what we had simply because he was afraid of temporary distance. Sounding like a child, but I'm angry today. Because how is it fair that he broke my heart and gets to be endlessly happy with the first girl who comes along, the girl I thought was a rebound. I will never be able to understand how he could replace me so quickly after loving me as much as I know he did. I refuse to jump into a new relationship until I have fully processed and accepted this breakup and know I am ready. I refuse to use another person like he did because I don't want to be alone.

Last edited by hope18; 5th February 2018 at 4:27 PM..
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:31 PM   #6
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Sorry to hear this

A couple of thoughts I had while reading this:
- If he jumped right into something else, chances are that he was checked out of the relationship before ending it. My guess is that he wasn't fully invested in your relationship near the end, as you were. And that is why he was able to "move on" faster.
- I'm not sure I believe he's happily ever after. Assuming he was being honest that he still had feelings for you shortly before getting with this new girl, that doesn't seem healthy to me. By taking your time to process, grieve, and get beyond it, you are taking the right approach. My guess is that you will be the happier one in the long run.
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Old 5th February 2018, 9:56 PM   #7
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Sorry to hear this

A couple of thoughts I had while reading this:
- If he jumped right into something else, chances are that he was checked out of the relationship before ending it. My guess is that he wasn't fully invested in your relationship near the end, as you were. And that is why he was able to "move on" faster.
- I'm not sure I believe he's happily ever after. Assuming he was being honest that he still had feelings for you shortly before getting with this new girl, that doesn't seem healthy to me. By taking your time to process, grieve, and get beyond it, you are taking the right approach. My guess is that you will be the happier one in the long run.
Thank you for this, part of the reason this breakup was so hard is because neither of us were expecting it, he was fully invested in the relationship until two days before we split, everything was perfect and then he got scared. He hadn't met this girl until she started "helping" him through the breakup and he fell for her through her support I guess. I'm two hours away until next year and she lives on campus with him, so its easy. Almost 4 months later I think they're still together. I feel selfish for wishing it would end, but it feels so unfair that he didn't have to feel the pain for long. He found a distraction to suppress the heartbreak and forget me and I had to deal with the pain of losing the guy I never in a million years expected to leave, and the betrayal of being replaced so quickly.
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Old 5th February 2018, 10:00 PM   #8
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I feel selfish for wishing it would end, but it feels so unfair that he didn't have to feel the pain for long. He found a distraction to suppress the heartbreak and forget me and I had to deal with the pain of losing the guy I never in a million years expected to leave, and the betrayal of being replaced so quickly.
I think that feeling is kind of natural, though I would probably work on getting beyond that because I don't think it's healthy.

I think you used a key word here (I emboldened it): "Distraction." Like I said, you are dealing with this in a healthy way. If he really was still hung up on you, jumping right into something else isn't going to last imo.
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Old 5th February 2018, 10:05 PM   #9
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..but it feels so unfair that he didn't have to feel the pain for long. He found a distraction to suppress the heartbreak...
So go find your own distraction... It doesn't have to be a guy, go on a trip, go camping, go to a National park and hike, get away for a couple of days.

If I'm feeling out of sorts or need a distraction, I take my sportbike out and go for a long night ride under the stars. No destination picked, just start riding...
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Old 5th February 2018, 10:26 PM   #10
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If he really was still hung up on you, jumping right into something else isn't going to last imo.
I agree. When I get like this I try to tell myself at least when I get in my next relationship I'll know it's because I'm ready, not because I'm afraid to be alone or grieve. I also try to remember his new relationship is in no way a reflection of me not being enough or her being better than me or anything like that, but rather how insecure he was that he couldn't handle bumps in the road or taking time to process the ending of an extremely intense and loving relationship that had no real issues. It's also easy for him to "forget" me when he never has to see me or talk to me, he can pretend I don't exist. But I have no doubt if we ever saw each other again or I had to be in his life it would surface extreme emotions and confusion for him.

Last edited by hope18; 5th February 2018 at 10:29 PM..
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Old 5th February 2018, 11:39 PM   #11
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I feel your pain...after two months of darkness and bleakness, I found a little ray of light in the warmth of a smile. I guess for me, I needed human compassion and acceptance. It is probably different for everyone. I don't follow all the advice I hear, but it gets me thinking, and I realize some people want to live by the rules...I like to march to the beat of my own drummer but I have become aware of everyone's beat around me as I hear their voices in these forums. It distracts me from the type of bewilderment and pain you may be experiencing right now too. And it is a good distraction...I don't know about you but it is so great to be accepted here in these cyber walls, among people I do not know--I needed that so bad after my ex sailed off into the high seas and I sunk deeper and deeper with my lifeboat down to the bottom of the sea of despair...I hope that these kind people help give you the warmth and care that you deserve...they are really good listeners...and that helps a lot in a time of crisis like the one your heart may be going through right now. God bless.
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Old 5th February 2018, 11:44 PM   #12
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I feel your pain...after two months of darkness and bleakness, I found a little ray of light in the warmth of a smile. I guess for me, I needed human compassion and acceptance. It is probably different for everyone. I don't follow all the advice I hear, but it gets me thinking, and I realize some people want to live by the rules...I like to march to the beat of my own drummer but I have become aware of everyone's beat around me as I hear their voices in these forums. It distracts me from the type of bewilderment and pain you may be experiencing right now too. And it is a good distraction...I don't know about you but it is so great to be accepted here in these cyber walls, among people I do not know--I needed that so bad after my ex sailed off into the high seas and I sunk deeper and deeper with my lifeboat down to the bottom of the sea of despair...I hope that these kind people help give you the warmth and care that you deserve...they are really good listeners...and that helps a lot in a time of crisis like the one your heart may be going through right now. God bless.
Thank you very much. I've been doing much much better but still have days where it feels like day one all over again and my heart breaks wondering "why".
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Old 6th February 2018, 12:57 AM   #13
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hope18,
I'm sorry that you're hurting x. There are many people on this site (including myself) who have been where you are, and it's not a good place to be.

It does seem unfair when they are riding off into the sunset with someone else and you are sitting at home crying your eyes out, and it is.

Like others have said I expect he possibly already had 'one foot out the door' for some time before the breakup. This tells you that he has a problem with commitment, integrity, truth and reality.

If he hasn't taken time out to process and grieve the loss of your relationship, then he will just take any issues he has forward into the next one.

Some people don't have the emotional maturity/capacity to sort out their own issues from relationship break-ups, so they need someone to act as a 'cushion'. So any pain will be lessened but not gone.
This means they won't be giving 100% to the next relationship.

Don't be fooled by appearances. The next girl is being used as a stepping stone while he get's over you - she's living in your shadow with a guy who isn't honourable when it comes to relationships. You should feel sorry for her. She's working twice as hard as he is by helping him get over you and trying to maintain the relationship at the same time - must be emotionally exhausting.

5 months is still 'honeymoon time' in a relationship and people are still on their best behaviour. Eventually people relax and the gloss starts to come off then people realise exactly what they've got and may not like it.

Remember that someone else's ($hi££y) behaviour does not determine your value. It says nothing about you and everything about them.

There is no specified amount of time to get over a break-up because everyone grieves differently. Take your time and be kind to yourself.
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Old 6th February 2018, 2:23 AM   #14
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Life really isnít all that great

Vent over
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Old 6th February 2018, 10:42 AM   #15
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hope18,
I'm sorry that you're hurting x. There are many people on this site (including myself) who have been where you are, and it's not a good place to be.

It does seem unfair when they are riding off into the sunset with someone else and you are sitting at home crying your eyes out, and it is.

Like others have said I expect he possibly already had 'one foot out the door' for some time before the breakup. This tells you that he has a problem with commitment, integrity, truth and reality.

If he hasn't taken time out to process and grieve the loss of your relationship, then he will just take any issues he has forward into the next one.

Some people don't have the emotional maturity/capacity to sort out their own issues from relationship break-ups, so they need someone to act as a 'cushion'. So any pain will be lessened but not gone.
This means they won't be giving 100% to the next relationship.

Don't be fooled by appearances. The next girl is being used as a stepping stone while he get's over you - she's living in your shadow with a guy who isn't honourable when it comes to relationships. You should feel sorry for her. She's working twice as hard as he is by helping him get over you and trying to maintain the relationship at the same time - must be emotionally exhausting.

5 months is still 'honeymoon time' in a relationship and people are still on their best behaviour. Eventually people relax and the gloss starts to come off then people realise exactly what they've got and may not like it.

Remember that someone else's ($hi££y) behaviour does not determine your value. It says nothing about you and everything about them.

There is no specified amount of time to get over a break-up because everyone grieves differently. Take your time and be kind to yourself.
Thank you, I needed this. I do wish I could say he had one foot out the door, it would at least give me some closure in why he left, something I would be able to accept. However the day he left (distance wise, not the relationship) he was so loving and reassuring, telling me if anyone could make it through this temporary distance it was us and how much he loves me and how he wouldn't find someone else because I'm all he could ever want etc... even for the next two days over the phone he was so positive and reassuring. And then he saw himself surrounded by couples and I couldn't be there and he got scared and boom the next day he was sobbing breaking up with me. Less than a month later he had this new girl. She's VERY insecure, stalking my social media long after I stopped checking hers and made him delete/block me from everything. Havent spoken to him in over 3 months but they're still going strong.
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