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She's with someone else


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 24th December 2017, 4:11 PM   #1
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She's with someone else

Well it's Christmas eve and my gift? I text my ex yesterday (we've been apart 3 weeks) to say have a nice Xmas... she didn't reply. Today I woke to a msg from my cousin saying she's seen her hand in hand with a new boyfriend Christmas shopping. Safe to say this is by FAR the WORST Xmas I've ever had.

I dont understand how someone can look you in the eyes, promise the world and in a matter of weeks give it to someone else and completley forget you. I've been in 3 relationships I'm 34 and hand on heart she was the only girl I truly loved and I dont even know why. I can't explain it. I'm not one to mope around but since her I have no energy. I'm usually a gym goer etc and haven't been, I dont eat, sleeping is a struggle and the sad thing is (I hate admitting this), I cried as i slept last night with her photo on my phone in bed so it looked like she was there.

I've never been this way with anyone and I've had 4 year relationships that didn't feel this hard to move on from . I dont know if it's my age or if it is that she was different but I hate myself for every single mistake that led me to be alone without her. I can get someone else but i really don't want anyone else.

She's with someone else. Merry xmas me
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Old 24th December 2017, 4:17 PM   #2
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I feel for you. I feel this way too. Can't focus on the future. The now hurts too much.

I don't know how they do it. I guess they just didn't love us, the way we loved them.
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Old 24th December 2017, 4:40 PM   #3
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I feel for you. I feel this way too. Can't focus on the future. The now hurts too much.

I don't know how they do it. I guess they just didn't love us, the way we loved them.
Everyone says it's a rebound but I have never been the type to even do that. Before meeting her I'd not dated anyone for 5 months.
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Old 24th December 2017, 6:29 PM   #4
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I'm sorry you are hurting.

If she is the one who ended things, she was probably emotionally "done" with your relationship before she pulled the trigger or she ended things so she could be with him (hopefully no cheating) or he could be a rebound.

Why she left now that you know there is someone else, that knowledge should smother any last vestiges of hope you had been clinging to so that now you can move on. It will take a while to fully heal & this season won't help

Do surround yourself with family & friends tomorrow. Plan a fun night on NYE; don't sit home & wallow. Make 2018 your best year yet.
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Old 25th December 2017, 2:24 PM   #5
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Having recently ended a long relationship and finding myself having feelings for someone a few months later (but still feeling the pain of the breakup today on christmas), I can hopefully offer you some comfort. Rebound or not, it doesnít matter. Ending a relationship is just as heart breaking as being the one who is broken up with. The difference is that the heart ache for her started long before she made the decision, assuming this is a relationship where she really loved you. Itís not fair to her or to you to assume she didnít really care about you and has simply brushed you aside. She just had a lot more time with her heart break than you have had. If she moved on quickly it shows she is likely certain with her decision, but itís not proof she didnít suffer pain (or that she isnít still). It is proof you are better off in the long run because everyone deserves to be loved fully and she clearly realized she couldnít do that for you. She did the right thing.

I would suggest not texting her at all and not asking other people about her until you feel like you have moved on.
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Old 25th December 2017, 2:51 PM   #6
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Yeah today hasn't helped but it was nice to see my family. She has fully moved on she never contacts me, deleted me off everything it's like she's washed her hands of everytjing we did. Break ups are never nice and I know she will of hated doing it too but it's horrible to go from 3 weeks ago telling each other we are best friends and don't ever want to be apart... to 3 weeks later with another man and doesn't want a single thing to do with me. People seem to move on so quickly nowadays and I never can
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Old 25th December 2017, 3:44 PM   #7
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Having recently ended a long relationship and finding myself having feelings for someone a few months later (but still feeling the pain of the breakup today on christmas), I can hopefully offer you some comfort. Rebound or not, it doesnít matter. Ending a relationship is just as heart breaking as being the one who is broken up with. The difference is that the heart ache for her started long before she made the decision, assuming this is a relationship where she really loved you. Itís not fair to her or to you to assume she didnít really care about you and has simply brushed you aside. She just had a lot more time with her heart break than you have had. If she moved on quickly it shows she is likely certain with her decision, but itís not proof she didnít suffer pain (or that she isnít still). It is proof you are better off in the long run because everyone deserves to be loved fully and she clearly realized she couldnít do that for you. She did the right thing.

I would suggest not texting her at all and not asking other people about her until you feel like you have moved on.

This is completely wrong. Obviously you have not been on the receiving end.

All youíve described is the countless number of people who donít want to work at a relationship and keep their partner in the dark while they become ok with the decision. When they are finally ok and moved on, then they blindside the dumpee.

Itís an incredibly selfish and self serving thing to do to someone. Not to mention pretty $hitty.

If that makes you feel like youíve suffered as much, you have no idea what it is like to be in the other end.

I guess this is how people justify their actions. Iíve dumped plenty of women in my time and never ever did this to one of them. Instead, I voiced my concerns much earlier in hopes to resolve. It was only once I realized that things wonít change that I broke up with them.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:18 AM   #8
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That's awfully presumptuous considering you know nothing about me and what happened in my breakup and how I was treated in the relationship. I can easily presume you must not have ever really loved the women you dumped if you didn't experience a lot of pain in reaching that decision and can so easily conclude I am nothing more than a selfish person. But I wouldn't because that would be awfully presumptuous of me.

My situation sounded very different from this person's, but I made two points. One, don't presume she didn't suffer at all if she loved him. The dumpers are often demonized for making what is almost always a very difficult decision. Two, she did the right thing regardless because she clearly wasn't invested in this relationship anymore and that is better for the poster in the long run. People want to say it's selfish to leave someone and not work on the relationship - well sometimes the relationship just isn't going to work or the person is not in love (or has fallen out of love) and knows making the effort to "work" is really just throwing a bone to the other partner that will ultimately lead to future accusations of leading the person on because it is merely delaying the inevitable. It's incredibly selfish, sh***y, and self-serving to lead someone on in that fashion and stay in a relationship you no longer want just to avoid feeling guilty or have other people accuse you of being a bad person because of all of these unspoken rules we are supposed to follow in conducting relationships. That is what leads to affairs and/or years of complete unhappiness for both people. The person being dumped deserves better and shouldn't be treated as a victim in the process because in the end, not having that person will ultimately be better. I think the poster here deserves better from what he has written, and is going to be better off in the long run.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:34 AM   #9
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That's awfully presumptuous considering you know nothing about me and what happened in my breakup and how I was treated in the relationship. I can easily presume you must not have ever really loved the women you dumped if you didn't experience a lot of pain in reaching that decision and can so easily conclude I am nothing more than a selfish person. But I wouldn't because that would be awfully presumptuous of me.

My situation sounded very different from this person's, but I made two points. One, don't presume she didn't suffer at all if she loved him. The dumpers are often demonized for making what is almost always a very difficult decision. Two, she did the right thing regardless because she clearly wasn't invested in this relationship anymore and that is better for the poster in the long run. People want to say it's selfish to leave someone and not work on the relationship - well sometimes the relationship just isn't going to work or the person is not in love (or has fallen out of love) and knows making the effort to "work" is really just throwing a bone to the other partner that will ultimately lead to future accusations of leading the person on because it is merely delaying the inevitable. It's incredibly selfish, sh***y, and self-serving to lead someone on in that fashion and stay in a relationship you no longer want just to avoid feeling guilty or have other people accuse you of being a bad person because of all of these unspoken rules we are supposed to follow in conducting relationships. That is what leads to affairs and/or years of complete unhappiness for both people. The person being dumped deserves better and shouldn't be treated as a victim in the process because in the end, not having that person will ultimately be better. I think the poster here deserves better from what he has written, and is going to be better off in the long run.
The answer to that is simple, I have never dumped a woman I loved. I donít think itís possible to dump somone you love. If you can dump them, you donít love them. Having feelings for somone else after a few months, as you stated, means you no longer love your ex. When you love someone, itís impossible to develop feelings for someone else. If you can, youíre not in love with them.


I remember my ex saying she loved me when she dumped me. I noted how she loved her cats - would she leave them on the side of the road and never see them again? Of course not. Fact is she fell out of love with me over a period of time; it was a complete shock to me. I would have appreciated having a discussion or at least being informed about the change in feelings. Iím sure she spoke to others about it. Iím sure most women do before they go through with it.

Iíve fallen out of love due to their actions, to which I tried to let them know about my needs when I realized they were not being met. Ahead of time in hopes to save the relationship. Had they met my needs my feelings would not have changed.

By the time I dumped them it was not a shock at all. What angers me is when people have this internal debate, make a decision to end the rl, take time to move on, then tell their partner about it. To me, that is leading somone on and plain wrong.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:38 AM   #10
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She was probably involved with him before she dumped you. That's usually the way it happens.

Quit all contact block and delete everything.

Time for you to move on like she has
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Old 26th December 2017, 1:35 AM   #11
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The answer to that is simple, I have never dumped a woman I loved. I donít think itís possible to dump somone you love. If you can dump them, you donít love them. Having feelings for somone else after a few months, as you stated, means you no longer love your ex. When you love someone, itís impossible to develop feelings for someone else. If you can, youíre not in love with them.


I remember my ex saying she loved me when she dumped me. I noted how she loved her cats - would she leave them on the side of the road and never see them again? Of course not. Fact is she fell out of love with me over a period of time; it was a complete shock to me. I would have appreciated having a discussion or at least being informed about the change in feelings. Iím sure she spoke to others about it. Iím sure most women do before they go through with it.

Iíve fallen out of love due to their actions, to which I tried to let them know about my needs when I realized they were not being met. Ahead of time in hopes to save the relationship. Had they met my needs my feelings would not have changed.

By the time I dumped them it was not a shock at all. What angers me is when people have this internal debate, make a decision to end the rl, take time to move on, then tell their partner about it. To me, that is leading somone on and plain wrong.
Well I think a lot of this boils down to philosophy. I actually did tell my ex several times my feelings were changing. I told him when I went numb. I went to therapy to figure out why my feelings had changed (there were some concrete events leading to it) because I didn't want to just walk away on what could have been a whim for all I knew. He said he didn't know what to do so I pointed out some ongoing issues he never addressed that precipitated my breakdown and that had always worn me down, but he chose not to do anything about them. He treated the situation like it was my issue to figure out - so then it did become an internal struggle at that point. At the end, I realized I still loved him, but I was not in love with him anymore. I know some people hate that distinction, but I believe it is real. If you spend your life with someone, be it for 6 months or 20 years, it's hard to reach the end of that and not love the person at all unless they just did something completely awful (and even then you never know). Love isn't black and white and I, for one, don't believe in "the one" and therefore did not feel obligated to stay with someone for the sole reason that I already had for a number of years. That being said, I actively went through this process for six months after things had already been going downhill for both of us for a longer period of time and it was the most painful period of my life. To make matters worse, despite my statements and actions, he still acted like I blindsided him at the end. That is why I took such offense at your comment and why I can now see, being the dumper for once (because I was on the receiving end before), how complicated these situations and feelings can be on both sides of the table.

This may not be helpful to the original poster at all, but I will just again stress you are going to be great. Your feelings are legitimate, especially during the holidays, but you are doing the right thing by sharing them so they aren't weighing you down. Keep enforcing no contact and remember there is someone more worthy of you out there.
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Old 26th December 2017, 2:11 AM   #12
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Men need to learn the truth about women and loyalty much earlier in life. Hypergany. Monkey-branching.

Itís a jungle out there and men need to learn to survive early on. Needs to be taught at puberty or something. Part of a coming of age ritual.

Sucks to be blindsided with the truth in your thirties or forties.
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Old 26th December 2017, 10:38 AM   #13
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Men need to learn the truth about women and loyalty much earlier in life. Hypergany. Monkey-branching.

Itís a jungle out there and men need to learn to survive early on. Needs to be taught at puberty or something. Part of a coming of age ritual.

Sucks to be blindsided with the truth in your thirties or forties.
And that truth is? And men are, as a gender, just altogether better in relationships and more loyal? Or they just expect their women to be loyal at all costs, regardless of their own actions? Just curious.
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Old 26th December 2017, 11:01 AM   #14
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Joan621 -- I am more like you. I don't end relationships out of emotion on a whim. If I feel my feelings changing I try to reignite the spark & I think long & hard about my decision. If there are things I think / hope want my partner to change, I express those to my SO. By the time I sit somebody down to have "the talk" I am done.

SevenCity -- it's not selfish. It's cautious & thoughtful although hurting somebody is never easy. It's not about stringing somebody along but rather about making sure the decision is a correct one.

confused83 How are you coping today? Why your EX left or what she's doing now does nothing to ease your pain. You have to shift the focus from her to your own healing.
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Old 26th December 2017, 12:09 PM   #15
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I think both sexes have their fault. Both groups have people that are just nasty.

After being hurt, I am a little angry at women and have every right to be. That doesn't mean there aren't any good women left. I'm sure there are.

Time's have changed. Everything about dating and marriage has changed. Everybody is disposable. Nobody fights. and it seems to be the older we get, the harder it is to get back into a relationship because we have been hurt.

I was at my cousins communion party a while back. Now keep in mind, this is an old school italian party and family here in new york, long island. Off the boat. I was asked by my moms cousin, what happened to that girl you were dating. I politely answered back, I really don't want to talk about it. Next thing you know, 6 other women, who are all married and in there 50's, started talking to me. Every single one of those women said to me.........."WE FEEL SORRY for the men today. Men aren't getting married or committing to a relationship because society has changed. WOMEN have changed." One lady said to me, if I were a guy, I would not marry todays modern woman. Your marriage is going to end up just being a contract.


so a whole group of women told me that they feel sorry for me and for men. Now get this. One lady, who is a family friend, has been divorced for a long time. she told me she will never date a man. so she has her reasons why she wont trust a man. BUT, this same lady said to me, even though what happened to me, I will still tell you watch out for women these days. They are not the same. This is coming from a MAN HATER!! hahahahaha.

People will say, sorano, they are off the boat italian. Its different. well guess what guys. maybe we should take a lesson from the old school generation. Their marriages are lasting for years. They have morals and respect. Something that in my opinion is gone.


Its funny. My parents always told me, go find a nice italian girl. I answered back, " You do know this is not italy and that all those nice italian girls you think are around, is no more. Those italian girls don't exist. Thats over." They finally believed me.
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Last edited by sorano; 26th December 2017 at 12:12 PM..
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