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How to deal with first hard breakup, and recover


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 1st December 2017, 4:43 PM   #1
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Question How to deal with first hard breakup, and recover

I like to think its a typical scenario and learned from it: Dated this girl for like 1 1/2 years. First girl I every seriously dated. Thought she was "the one." Ha. This was 6 months ago now. Things progressively went south. Lying, messing with other guys, more lies, manipulation and promises of hope to keep me going, drama drama drama arguments and drama, shallow sorta gold digging end-goal. Then ultimately she cheated. When boiled down, she did it cause she wanted to, thought she could get away with it, and had done it several times with other guys prior to meeting me. It was exciting to her. She got off on it. Even the getting caught part. Basically she was an attention queen, wherever she could get it, and later come to find she was something of a serial cheater. There you have it. Thats the mess I got involved in. Over now!

Long messy story kinda irrelevant at this point I guess.

Problem is its been 5 months and I find myself thinking about her every day. Not like "I want you back" kinda way. I miss that 1/1 company, not her. But I just feel so violated and let down. Nobody has ever treated me like such a piece of trash, such a doormat. She said everything you would want to hear in a relationship and then in the end, I'm left feeling abandoned like it meant nothing to her. Like I was traded in as you would a used car. My used car value: an hour or two of exciting cheat sex. How do I get over this?

They say to get out and start dating immediately, but I find myself looking at women so carefully now like "wonder if shes a liar, cheater, etc" know what I mean? Like every woman if part of the pandemic going around that is cheating. I just cant stop these feelings and thoughts of her and its daily. Im better now than a few months back, of course but ... what do I do? I havent told anyone any of this, or that honestly Im kinda depressed and feeling like garbage. Thanks guys
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Old 1st December 2017, 6:22 PM   #2
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You have to just make a decision to not let it affect your daily life, your moods, your emotions anymore. And eventually your ability to trust, although that will take time.

It helps if you develop a mindset of looking at every experience in your life, both good and bad, as a learning experience that has helped mold you into the person you are. This requires you to recognize that crappy things are going to happen to you in your life, and even embrace them.

This relationship has taught you a lot about what you do not want in your next relationship, so that is a very positive thing. Try to spend more time dwelling on that instead of on the rejection and how "unfair" it all was. She will have plenty of unfair things happen to her in her life, too.

Hang in there. Breakups suck all the way around, but nearly everyone has at least one in their lifetime!
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Old 7th December 2017, 7:49 AM   #3
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You know how schools have programs set in place, books chosen for each class, organized and set breaks, lunch, etc.?

Thatís what you need to do. You need to start a new routine that involves a plan that you put together for yourself. Hobbies, friends, activities....think of all the things you like doing, all the things youíve been meaning to do and set goals for yourself. Turn it into a routine so that you know, for example, that everyday after work you spend half an hour watching your favorite TV show, or reading a book, or meeting some friends for a cup of coffee, whatever it is, as long as itís a routine you can follow without having to put too much though into it. Turn it into a habit and that will get you back on the right track. Itíll be a good distraction and keep your thoughts focused on the present.


Sure, youíll have moments when youíll find yourself sitting in rush hour traffic thinking about how great it would be to have a significant other waiting for you at home, or get a loving text from someone.


Thatís normal. But whenever you start thinking these thoughts, try to think about the good things in your life. Sometimes we take things for granted.


You have the strength in you to help yourself and move on. It takes work at first, but once you get into that routine it becomes easier and easier.


Best of luck. Remember, time is your friend. As more time passes, the less emotional pain youíll feel after this breakup.


And word to the wise, take a few months off away from dating. The last thing you need now is rejections, betrayed trust and mind games. Right now you need the safety and comfort of stability, not the unpredictability and stress of dating.


This is the time to rest and heal. I now liken breakups to physical injuries. It takes time to heal, but we persist and persevere.
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Old 14th December 2017, 8:31 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
You have to just make a decision to not let it affect your daily life, your moods, your emotions anymore. And eventually your ability to trust, although that will take time.

It helps if you develop a mindset of looking at every experience in your life, both good and bad, as a learning experience that has helped mold you into the person you are. This requires you to recognize that crappy things are going to happen to you in your life, and even embrace them.

This relationship has taught you a lot about what you do not want in your next relationship, so that is a very positive thing. Try to spend more time dwelling on that instead of on the rejection and how "unfair" it all was. She will have plenty of unfair things happen to her in her life, too.

Hang in there. Breakups suck all the way around, but nearly everyone has at least one in their lifetime!
This right here. Sometimes you just have to take a breather and think about your experiences, even the bad ones, and how it can make you a better person. Set yourself some goals, and with each that you accomplish, you'll feel more and more like the man you want to be. My first relationship with the girl I loved ended less than 2 months ago, and since then I've moved into my own place, got a new job, and I've recently joined the gym. Be as happy as you were when you were with your girl, if not happier. Have you contacted her since? I've not spoken to my ex for nearly 3 weeks, though she made an attempt a week ago; I just ignored her, knew it was another one of her games. This may sound cliche, but having the power to walk away is one of the most useful things you can have.
Just my two cents.
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Old 17th December 2017, 4:17 AM   #5
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Thatís the thing about some people. They tell you exactly what they know you want to hear and they say it, but their actions are the opposite. Itís manipulative behavior which my ex was good at.

Keep your chin up.
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Old 17th December 2017, 5:06 AM   #6
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I know what you mean about that feeling of intimacy of being with another person, one on one.

Like you, I donít miss the lies, the drama or the uncertainty that my ex brought into the relationship, but Iíd like to think ó for my own sanity ó that the feelings of love and affection she showed, at least in the beginning were genuine and that life just changed us both in different ways. I find it hard to comprehend that it might have been one big lie from the start. Itís too painful to think that.


I take comfort in the thought that one day, sometime, I will be with special someone whoís good for me and Iím getting is for her. Until then, I feel like Iím hibernating.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 4:00 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Logo View Post
I know what you mean about that feeling of intimacy of being with another person, one on one.

Like you, I donít miss the lies, the drama or the uncertainty that my ex brought into the relationship, but Iíd like to think ó for my own sanity ó that the feelings of love and affection she showed, at least in the beginning were genuine and that life just changed us both in different ways. I find it hard to comprehend that it might have been one big lie from the start. Itís too painful to think that.


I take comfort in the thought that one day, sometime, I will be with special someone whoís good for me and Iím getting is for her. Until then, I feel like Iím hibernating.
You make excellent points. I am 2 months into a terrible breakup/cheating situation and she still lives in my house, tells me she loves me, and has sex with me, but is seeing other men. We were together 13 years and have two kids, I am devastated that she might leave, not because of anything other than that 1 on 1 contact. She told me for 13 years I was amazing, we were a team, and nothing would ever come between us. 13 years later I wonder if everything was a lie all that time. It hurts so bad I have lost 40 pounds in a little over a month.
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