Recently broke up; she won't stop bugging me ***Updated***

[Reyne012]

Hi all,

 

What a way to start my first thread at Loveshack. Last week my ex and I broke up with one another after over 2 years (one of which we lived together), almost straight after my birthday, which was really ****ty. A lot of it was because she had this grad scheme lined up for herself after graduation, and I struggled to get one (re: didn't really know what I wanted to do at the time). She would come back from work angry and ready to start a fight with me over nothing, so we eventually came to the conclusion that we weren't working and I moved out.

 

Since then she keeps popping up trying to friendzone me. I don't want to be her friend at all. The first time I saw her after the break up, I told her I didn't want her in my life in any capacity, which made me feel so much better. Couple days after she asks to borrow a board game, to which I stupidly said yes, and she came to my house and just wouldn't go away for 20 minutes. I've taken a really cold approach to her, and I don't know whether it's the right way. Tonight, we literally both got off at the same station coincidentally, and she tried to make small talk with me and hug me at the end of the walk (I sort of pushed her away and told her not to touch me).

 

Any thoughts? I'm trying to get back out there, and I'm planning a second date with a girl I met, but every time I see my ex I just get angry and resentful, which I quickly mask with indifference.

[d0nnivain]

Ignore her & block her. Pretend she doesn't exist. You wouldn't take a phone call from an unknown # or lend a game to a stranger. that's all she is now -- somebody you used to know.

[Reyne012]

Ignore her & block her. Pretend she doesn't exist. You wouldn't take a phone call from an unknown # or lend a game to a stranger. that's all she is now -- somebody you used to know.

I know you're right. I don't know why I'm being soft. Maybe it's because it's happened in such a short space of time, and I let it slip every now and then. It doesn't help that I don't really know anyone here either. Still, I should just cut her out completely and utterly.

[Reyne012]

The experience I had last night should be a reminder as to why we should enact No Contact immediately following a breakup. I'll recount the event, so here goes.

 

My ex and I broke up a month to the day ago. Since that time she has attempted to 'befriend' me and keep me from moving on. I managed to wean myself from her to maximum of seeing her once a week (she still had a lot of my stuff and would bring it to my place, which is 8 minutes away from hers).

 

Last night I went to an alumni event that she and I initially planned to go to together before we broke up. She text me earlier in the day asking to meet at the station so we could go together. I let my guard down and agreed, as I was going that way anyway. Surprise surprise, when I actually see her she's the same negative, condescending shrew that she was before we ended.

 

I just ignored her, started to mingle with other grads, before she injects herself into the group I'm chatting to (trying to isolate me). We were on separate tour groups, and at the end I waited outside figuring their group is the last, saw a missed call from her, figured she'll be a couple more minutes. Waited like an idiot, and I eventually call, she answers and says she left and just went to a pub with some alumni, and that I can just leave and go home. I told her she was a vile, nasty piece of work, and that I never want to see or hear from her again, hung up. I literally got rid of every vestige of her; blocked her number, her Facebook, all gone. Even then, my phone is still giving me alerts when I'm in another call with someone else, so I know she's trying to game me.

 

I regret not doing this sooner. People like this are energy vampires, and they will consume you with their hollow notions of friendship, and continue to feed off of your self-doubts. To all the posters out their, who are in a similar situation, rest easy because I've felt your pain. And don't ever let these harpies keep us down.

[Frostedflake]

Man, sorry that you had a rough night! But you're right, it's these moments that really SOLIDIFY being done with those people/situations.

Sometimes it really does take that final straw..

[Reyne012]

Man, sorry that you had a rough night! But you're right, it's these moments that really SOLIDIFY being done with those people/situations.

Sometimes it really does take that final straw..

 

Thanks for that man. I was looking forward to the actual event too, but I guess some people just want to have a chip on their shoulder. It really is a massive wake up call.

[Reyne012]

It's been 12 days since I cut my ex out completely, after she acted like a total tool the last time I saw her (refer to previous post for details). In these past couple of days I've got a new job, got a nice haircut, joined a gym and generally look after myself. It was tough at first, but without her negativity, I've regained more and more of my old, motivated self. I ran into her last night on my way home from the gym, and she obviously tried to talk to me, and wanted to apologise for what happened. But then she started begging me to unblock her on FB, and said it was unfair that I pretended she didn't exist after more than 2 years of being together, and that we shouldn't disrespect one another She started saying anything to get what she wanted, so nothing really changed.

 

I stood my ground, stayed calm and made it fairly clear that I'm not concerned with what she does with herself. I told her we're not ever going to be friends, that I don't owe her anything and that I'm getting on with my life, then I walked away because I told her I was actually in a hurry. Fast forward later on and she's actually knocking my front door. I didn't bother to answer because I fibbed to her and told her I was in a hurry to go out with some friends (more of a half truth, considering we're going out tonight).

 

What did I learn from this? That having the power and composure to say no to a control freak, and being able to walk away from them is their biggest weakness. You can't give in to anything they want, because even if my ex 'apologised' it would have meant nothing if I gave her something she wanted in return. Contrition is not a transaction, we don't get things for being sorry for doing wrong, and nor should we. Today, I feel like more of a man than I did yesterday, because of how I dealt with this, and that makes me have hope for all the other posters her too. Nothing can hurt you if you don't allow it to, and ultimately the only thing that matters in a breakup is how you handle yourself.

 

Rant over

[d0nnivain]

Good for you for making positive changes & staying strong.

[Reyne012]

Next day update:

 

She came to my house, more or less barged her way in and tried to justify everything after giving some more fake apologies. I didn't have it, thought I'd try to tell her where she went wrong, and give her the benefit of the doubt, but it was like talking to a brick wall. Things eventually got nasty, and she refused to leave, so I called the police on the non-emergency number and she was just insulting me (kept my cool, even though I was shaking a little bit from anger). The psycho eventually got up to leave, and tried to demand some boxes back, but she also wanted mine as well. She eventually marched downstairs and I heard three slams on the door, so I told her to piss off and not come back, and she pushed the door as I went to shut it, hitting me in the face. I've logged a complaint to the police, and they're coming round my house on Monday to interview me about it. Never get with crazy gents, it's very tough to get rid of.

[Reyne012]

So, I’ve had no contact with my ex since late November. What is there really to say since then? My Grandfather regrettably passed away a week after I spoke to my ex, just as things were getting better for me too :/ thankfully, I had the honour of having one of my proudest moments by reading a eulogy I wrote at his funeral. I’ve recently started my new job and enjoy it, and I’ve started to go back to the gym. I guess all of these events made me a little bit of a stronger person, though that’s not to say I’ve found it easy. I did slip a little when I unblocked my ex from fb and peaked, but I’m in my 6th week of NC, and social media isn’t reality anyway. All I need now is a good hobby. I still get a little mad when I think about stuff, but it’s getting better and better. Hope everyone here is doing alright and developing themselves. Can’t believe it’s been 6 weeks.

[Estuarykid]

Sorry to hear about the extra pressure on you - hope you are dealing with it all ok. Still, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. Do you still long for a reconciliation? It's been 4 weeks for me, and I'm still turning the fantasy around in my mind about getting back together with my ex one day. I do think it's unrealistic though.

[Reyne012]

Sorry to hear about the extra pressure on you - hope you are dealing with it all ok. Still, it sounds like you're doing all the right things. Do you still long for a reconciliation? It's been 4 weeks for me, and I'm still turning the fantasy around in my mind about getting back together with my ex one day. I do think it's unrealistic though.

 

Thank you, I guess I'm doing as much as I could be. Sometimes I beat myself up for not being amazingly successful and having a lifelong career, then I remember that I'm only 25 and to give myself a break and be patient.

 

Well done for the 4 weeks, it's never easy but it's nice to have some space to figure things out. To say I don't miss her sometimes would be a bit of a lie, and I do occasionally wonder what she's doing, but I'm gradually coming to terms with the idea that we'll probably never get back together, though I wouldn't mind something casual.

 

Our last encounter ended badly, but I've never once been needy in all of this, nor did I accept her 'friendship' so I have a lot to be proud of, and I'm assuming you do too if you're a month into NC. The first month of breaking up was the real struggle for me; We moved in with her parents to a big city until we could get our own place, and I hadn't spoken to my own parents for 16 months because of issues related to her. When it fell apart, I had to move out to my own place in a city where I still don't know that many people, and I knew I would eventually have to get in touch with my parents (which I did, thankfully), and I also had to get a full time job. If my breakup has taught me one thing, it's that I'm stronger and worth a lot more than I sometimes think, and that my ex was wrong about a lot of things.

[Estuarykid]

You're doing great from what I can tell. 25 years old? You seem to have acted with integrity and have so much time left for a deep and fulfilling career and relationship - indeed, give yourself a break!

 

I think, too, friendship is a difficult one. It has to be earned and my own experience forbade the idea really, since I was not often treated in a friendly way.

[Reyne012]

You're doing great from what I can tell. 25 years old? You seem to have acted with integrity and have so much time left for a deep and fulfilling career and relationship - indeed, give yourself a break!

 

I think, too, friendship is a difficult one. It has to be earned and my own experience forbade the idea really, since I was not often treated in a friendly way.

 

That's really nice of you to say I guess if I could change anything it would be how our last meeting went, but then again she played a nasty game on me, so there's nothing to be sad about when I think of how it went; it's pretty much on her. All I can do is focus on myself, same as everyone else.

 

It is indeed. The reason I didn't want it was because it wouldn't have been on my terms at all, and I was done with power plays the second we were over. I would never be platonic friends with an ex simply because I would never sell myself so short. I either want sex and romance, or just sex, and if they want to walk away, that's totally fine with me. It's funny isn't it? How even when you have an ex who knows that they've acted badly still expects you to be their 'friend'. The truth is a friend would never treat you like that, nor speak to you in such a way. I know it works for some people, but more often than not, I feel like these ex's who are friends always have one party who got played and didn't do enough to negotiate. Guess that's why you and I are No Contact

[Estuarykid]

I hear what you say about it not being on your terms. This was my experience and it was very frustrating and hurtful not having my point of view considered. I did sell myself short on some occasions, or at least didn't always stand firm with my opinions. I suppose I tried every which way to make it work, which included losing myself in the process. At least I know I won't be doing that again - it has all been quite a learning curve. I learnt new things about myself, and I'm so much older than you!

 

How are you getting on? The last few days have been quite difficult for me. NC has been maintained however.

[Estuarykid]

Also, how do you find the process as a rule, this intermediate, limbo, life between the ex and moving on? A few days ago I felt great and it was almost like some energy returned - a vitality that had been lost or obstructed during the relationship. It was an odd sensation but it was like my true sense of self returned. One of the main issues with the relationship was that I often found that it wasn't okay to be me. But today and yesterday, I feel damaged by it all and sad.

 

By the way, I don't mean to usurp your thread! I'm interested in what you're experiencing.

[Reyne012]

Totally fine by me; if anything it's nice to find other people with common ground. Sharing our experiences can only be a good thing It really is a steep learning curve, and the struggle is real. Tomorrow I will be 7 weeks NC, but I've been very disciplined with stuff like social media, so I really don't know what she might be going through, and it's best not to make a habit of peaking. I guess I'm doing good, now I just want to get out there and meet new people, make some friends you know? Hang in there, we all have our off days but I'm confident that it will eventually dissipate altogether.

 

I know what you mean by the cognitive dissonance. For me it was particularly difficult, because I was totally alone after we broke up. I feel more like my old self now, with a bit of something extra, which makes me capable of looking back on my relationship with a bit of perspective. When you're with someone controlling, you gradually lose the parts of yourself that make up your identity; in my case, I began by letting things slide just so I wouldn't have to argue, and from there it was a slippery slope. I like to think that the deep sadness we have is from the internal death of an identity. The person you were when you were in a relationship ceases to exist when it ends, and we have to remake ourselves; some of us more than others.

 

Lately I've been thinking of my ex a lot, and about what I would like to say to her. I don't hate her or even dislike her, I just don't love her anymore. But then, would I like to say that because it's true? or just to hurt her? The latter of which would mean I still care. I dunno, guess I still am getting over it, as I still feel a little sad. All I know is that I made the right choice by going NC.

[Estuarykid]

My ex has no social media presence, so that one is easy! It's a relief, since otherwise I imagine it just making things more complicated, and me more neurotic! You've done well to be disciplined. I'm sure you must have had a tough time of it, and have struggled, but you seem strong and will get through this. I assume it must be easier if you are no longer in love or has a different kind of pain evolved over time?

 

The internal death of an identity - yes, I felt this. I was very emotional when it returned and I realised that things had got so bad that I permitted it to disappear. Remake, yes, or re-instate. Was there a key moment when you felt your true identity restored?

Edited January 9, 2018 by Estuarykid

[igotoverit]

25, you have so much time to build your career. You can work, do part time studies. Just make a career plan and pick away at it. I am 35 and I have no career. I was young and afraid and stupiid. I am going to school part time and working again. If I can be positive about my future then you can be positive about yours.

[Reyne012]

My ex has no social media presence, so that one is easy! It's a relief, since otherwise I imagine it just making things more complicated, and me more neurotic! You've done well to be disciplined. I'm sure you must have had a tough time of it, and have struggled, but you seem strong and will get through this. I assume it must be easier if you are no longer in love or has a different kind of pain evolved over time?

 

The internal death of an identity - yes, I felt this. I was very emotional when it returned and I realised that things had got so bad that I permitted it to disappear. Remake, yes, or re-instate. Was there a key moment when you felt your true identity restored?

 

Honestly, it really is a blessing that you don't have to think about social media. I personally don't really bother with that kind of stuff anyway. It has been tough, but I think it will get better. Truth be told, I'm not quite sure whether the feelings have totally dissipated or not, but'm much better now than I was in beginning.

 

I think things took a turn when I received my job offer. That's when I felt capable again, and I didn't have an energy vampire on my back to make it a negative. I also became stronger after my grandfather passed, because I read his eulogy. Now I'm going to the gym and I have a goal for that too. Things are just gradually getting better. Today, in fact, a girl from work who I'm talking to has invited me to her birthday party, so another opportunity has opened up for me to meet more people. I think being somewhat aware of the man I aspire to be, in the midst of such a struggle, has worked wonders for my attitude in general.

[Reyne012]

25, you have so much time to build your career. You can work, do part time studies. Just make a career plan and pick away at it. I am 35 and I have no career. I was young and afraid and stupiid. I am going to school part time and working again. If I can be positive about my future then you can be positive about yours.

 

Thanks for the positive vibe I have a rough plan of what I want to do and where I want to be, so I know what you're saying. I either want to be a lawyer, or work in communications (keeping my options open). I personally don't think that it is ever too late for a career change unless you want it to be that way. It's really great to hear that you're investing in yourself, and your attitude sounds awesome; really heartening to hear. My father completed his 22 years of service in the army when he was 38, bear in mind that civilian life doesn't care at all about military experience. 15 years on and he's a highly specialised consultant with a great career. Examples like that prove my point, you just have to focus on yourself and surround yourself with positive people.

[Estuarykid]

I really like your thinking and attitude Reyne012. I hope it all works out for you or, rather, is working out now, in the living moment. I've felt better the last few days after a couple of really terrible days. It really does fluctuate though, doesn't it? I am beginning to dip again, mostly due to the realisation that that really is it, and I doubt I will hear from my ex again. She fades into the past and the distance, as though walking in the opposite direction on a path through the forest - it is a most disturbing, emotional experience.

[Reyne012]

Hey all. Yesterday I walked past my ex, and she was with another guy, most likely seeing one another, but that’s a given I suppose. She blanked me of course, but it doesn’t matter. I went out with a friend and had some drinks later on and one of my best friends texted me saying that my ex was coming to visit them with this new ‘friend’. I totally exploded at him and basically had a drunken moment of weakness, which is really stupid. I feel dreadful for the way I spoke to my friend, and 1 month to the day I buried my grandfather. It’s all sort of hit me at once, and I guess I feel a little bit down. I don’t think I should drink atm, I hate losing control, and that’s precisely what happens when you drink.

[FilterCoffee]

Hey Reyne012,

 

Yeah you should probably stop the drinking for a while. At least until you’ve got a better hold of yourself. I know things suck now but it’s not going to last forever. Keep yourself busy and soon things will be fine. My condolences on the passing away of your grandfather.

[Reyne012]

Hey all, guess I need a bit of a perk up. Thought I'd gotten over my ex. We broke up in October and I've been NC for like 2 months. It went away briefly, but recently I can't get her out of my head. I think it's related to my goals. I'm 25 years old, and I got a full-time job just after my breakup, also been going to the gym for a good month. I keep getting back to this place where I can't organise my thoughts, and I feel like I can't pursue long-term goals when it gets like this. I'm proactive, but I keep becoming unhappy in these brief moments. I need to get out there and make friends, and start dating and apply for stuff. I keep getting mad with myself because I feel like I've achieved nothing, even though I have. Sorry if I'm being dramatic, it's all a big struggle you know? Sometimes I just can't relax.