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Almost 2 years on and I still struggle...

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 1st September 2017, 10:58 PM   #91
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I was cheated on by my ex fiancé and then the girlfriend after her. Both got married to someone else. The first to a man and then a woman and the second to a much older man who was her best customer for lap dances. First thing you have to do is stop letting your exe emotionally control you without even trying. He is living his life without thinking about you but you are still rooted in what was and could have been. You are the only one doing this to yourself. No one but you is causing your feelings.

You can never forget a betrayal. I never did but I did not let it still control me long after it happened. In each case I got a new girlfriend and forgot the old. The saying that the best way to get over a man is to get under another is very true. As soon as I entered into a sexual relationship with another woman, I stopped thinking about my exes.

I never let past events control my emotions and life. The past does not exist anymore and you are not the only spouse to be betrayed. To tell the truth I do not view cheating as a betrayal of the same magnitude that you do which is probably why it does not affect me much. We are all human and do get attracted to others. Even our love and needs change over time. We start off with courtship love where you overlook each other's faults and go at it like rabbit. That eventually wears off and then it is decision time to choose if you want to spend the rest of your life with your spouse or not. This is when many people cheat and get divorced. We also change over time. I never had the idealized version of marriage that you did. We are a world of serial monogamist with a 50% divorce rate and even higher cheating rate. You idealized marriage which is why you feel so betrayed.

Perhaps if you forgive him it will help. We are all human with needs and wants that change over time. What was good for a few years may end up not being good enough anymore. That is life and human nature. I forgave the women who cheated on me. You can never forget but you can forgive and leave the past in the past. One thing I learned to be true in my 66 years on earth is that the best revenge is to live life well. Right now you are showing him how much he still controls you. Not much of a revenge plan.
Most people rather drown in a pool of their own morality than seek the safety of a different morality.
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Old 2nd September 2017, 6:14 AM   #92
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Originally Posted by ShannonM10 View Post
I have posted numerous times on this over the past two years, you can read my prior threads if interested. I have attended counseling and have been working on myself for the duration of the time apart. I also have made great strides in my life and have been dating, noticing that men find me attractive and desireable and have had no problems meeting people. I think the hardest thing I am struggling with, is the fact that Im pretty sure me ex is getting married this up coming month to the person he betrayed me with. Everything happened so fast that I still am somewhat in shock that he got engaged to her after only a year of us buying a house and breaking up. So essentially he moved from me to her and will be married a year and 11 months after we broke up.

I don't know how to let go and look at it as a dodged bullet. I want to get off this karma train im going around in circles on. Yes she has done some crazy things that I would never tolerate in a relationship, and for whatever reason he is ok with, she even went as far as stalking me on social media and trying to get me to see his last name as hers (even though they aren't married yet!). This is not normal behavior and should NOT be happening a month before there wedding ( I am assuming its this month as per when I found out a yr ago). I cut all contact almost a year ago except to tell him to tell her to back off and leave me alone after the socal media incident.

I guess my question is, do these relationships work? And, how do you get passed the betrayal? How do you come to terms with the fact that they just replaced you and moved on like nothing while you are so devastated. I am in a way better place..and betterthis happened before marriage....but does history usually repeat in these cases? Im so sick of hurting over someone that clearly doesn't deserve it and I am sick of thinking about him, its like I cant shut my brain off and I build these stories in my head about how much happier he must be etc. etc. How the hell can you know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you've known for a year?
Anyways, for all the people that have gone through something similar, how did you cope? Its annoying and I want to completely wipe him from my memory for good.
If she is still messing with you then she sees you as a threat.

You need to find a "good way" to take your mind off of this. Keep busy and get a puppy or something else to love on.
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Old 2nd September 2017, 9:02 AM   #93
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If she is going social media simply means her relationship with your ex is not on good foundation either ...

Happy couple living in bliss don't stalk exes social media or even bother about it .

I don't think you ever get over a betrayal like this .in time you come to an acceptance that it happened to you and be at peace with it .

But if you keep scratching an open wound it will never heal .

You need to find a way to redirect your thoughts and in time the memory fades and is off less significance to us will become something that happened to us but does not control us .

Irrespective of the fact that he ended with up with her ...the good thing is you removed him from your life .and now can move forward without spending next 2 or 5 or 6 years in reconciliation ..which I can tell you is hell to go through Rebuilding trust is no easy feat and even then you never trust a 100%.
...walking away is like ripping a bandage it hurts but in time it fades away .

Ignore them.
Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world .
Today I am wise so I am changing myself
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Old 2nd September 2017, 9:39 AM   #94
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There is no right or wrong when it comes to how you feel. Your feeling are what they are.

If you are angry, let it out. Try and find a healthy way to express it.

As for moving on, give yourself a break and let it happen naturally. Treat yourself to new experiences, whether that's taking a vacation on your own or with a close friend, singing up for a class or even just trying new stores and places to eat. I know that sounds trite, but it can really help.

When it comes to your ex and his soon to be wife, meh. Nether one of them is a prize package, and I have a sneaking suspicion that neither one of them, in their heart of hearts, will ever be able to trust the other.
"“there’s no better system than our own morality, not law, not science, not religion… just decency.”-R.M.
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Old 2nd September 2017, 1:27 PM   #95
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My advice is every time he pops up in your mind to wish him well (in your mind only.. NC) and thank him for the lessons (also in your mind) and then focus on you. You need to get to a point where it doesn't matter if their relationship works out or not. I'm off FB and that's one of the best things I did this year.

It is a matter of changing your thinking and then your emotions will follow. Do some reading about mindfulness and living in the now. Some of it sounds really hokey, but I discovered I always thought about the past or worried about the future and I was forgetting the simple joys of now. I promise, it works and I'm learning how to love and appreciate myself. It's a slow, hard process. But two years is a long time to be stuck and you will have to do some changing in your thinking to be free.

Good luck!
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Old 4th September 2017, 2:12 PM   #96
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Stop stalking your ex on social media....
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Old 5th September 2017, 12:11 PM   #97
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Just think about the lack of trust in their relationship.

They are both cheaters. what trust is possible in that relationship?

You did dodge a bullet.

you will be better off without worrying what he is up to if you were still in a relationship with him.

Hope you do find happiness in your future.
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Old 5th September 2017, 12:24 PM   #98
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An exercise that can really help you to take stock of your life...

Sit somewhere comfortable and get really relaxed. Close your eyes and picture where you want to be in your life next year, five years form now, ten years from now. Think of all the wonderful things that are going to happen to you. You'll be free and ale to enjoy a wealth of new experiences and great times.

Meanwhile, The two them, if they stay together, will always have baggage to carry.

When you think of it, in many ways, she did you a favour. She posts all over social media? Meh. Let the baby have her bottle. You have your own wonderful life to live.
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Old 30th September 2017, 8:53 PM   #99
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So little update, I was on tinder at work today....and came across my exes friend..went to block him so scrolled down..and there was pics of him at what I'm assuming was my exes wedding cause I saw my exes bro in a suit with his friend
I wanted to vomit everywhere and was on tears all day. Never did I expect to come across it and have again really tried to protect myself from finding anything out.

I can't believe it actually happened..after what he did to she quickly everything moved. I knew this was the last hurdle...but man does it suck. Thanks for everyone's encouragement and words. You have no idea how much you have been my anchor through this all.
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