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Almost 2 years on and I still struggle...

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 23rd September 2016, 7:37 PM   #46
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Set back...

Hope everyone is doing well, just had to vent. My story is posted on here and its a bit long winded. Recently my roommate made the mistake of telling me that the girl my ex is now with got her facebook back and they had a kissy picture up from Dec, about a month and a half after we broke up. This really set me back as I have really protected myself from finding out anything. I told her to never tell me that again..and I know she was just trying to make me feel good because she wanted to tell me that the girl is not very attractive, but in hindsight it just hurt me more.

I had assumed they were still together...and as stated the picture posted was from almost 10 months ago so who knows....but id assume it would be deleted if they had broken up. It just hurt me so much because a month after that picture was posted he was literally sitting in my driveway telling me about his regrets and what not...and I knew they obviously would kiss and have sex, but hearing about it is another matter.

I guess it goes to show that facebook paints a pretty picture..and I guess it doesn't say much about him that he was feeling that confused while he was with her and she was putting up these pictures. I still feel stuck and annoyed that I haven't moved on completely and hes off with her. He could be happy, he could be miserable..I don't know...but I feel like the way he ended things he deserves to feel a fraction of the pain I do. I shouldn't be surprised they are still together...but having it confirmed does suck....

I hope you guys are all right and he will one say realize what he has done. Thanks for reading/listening
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Old 25th September 2016, 2:38 AM   #47
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You are not being petty or unhealthy by wanting him to feel pain. It's perfectly natural and human. Life doesn't have rules and the least deserving people often seem to find more happiness than those who deserve it.

But appearances can be very deceptive. The need to show how happy he is on Facebook suggests that there's a deep insecurity there - almost as if he's trying to convince himself that he's happy. This is a course set for self-destruction.

It might not feel like it, but in some ways you have the upper hand in knowing exactly how you feel and understanding yourself. Currently, you're going through a lot of suffering, but you have the strength and security to recognise this. As a result, you'll be able to start moving forward and build something new and meaningful.

Your ex, however, hasn't been strong enough to reflect on where he is. It sounds like he's fooling himself with his current relationship and he's not going to get the same contentment that's available to you.

You're the strong one. It hurts like hell at the moment. But after we suffer, we often get a clarity in our life that helps us build something better.

Remember, your thoughts and reactions are real. His are not. You're in a better position to build a good life for yourself than he is.

Last edited by RyanO1991; 25th September 2016 at 2:40 AM..
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Old 25th September 2016, 8:52 AM   #48
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I know that you are hurting...

I know that you are hurting. And it will take a long time to get over all of this.

Try thinking about it like this. Like you said in your original post, you think you may have dodged a bullet.

You don't need to think you dodged one, you really did. 5 years seems like a really long time, but in the course of your life, it really is just a flash.

Think if he had not cheated, or whatever he calls it, and he does this stuff in 10, 15, 20 years from now? How would you feel then?

You are really lucky that you did not waste anymore time with him than you did.

Over time, you will find someone worthy to love. Just take the time to find the right one.
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Old 25th September 2016, 9:29 AM   #49
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I totally understand how you are feeling. Its our exes that convinced us they wanted a future with us during the course of our relationship and next day they say they are done with us.

After the break up no one can answer our questions to why they can act like nothing happened.

Months ago my friends happened to bumped in to my ex and her new man. My friends told me they look very happy together. I was speechless and i was tearing up inside.. I really don't appreciate hearing such stuff.

Although my ex deleted me off Facebook but she kept my sis on her list. I told my sis not to ever tell me anything about my ex. And i mean it.

Let your friends know you dont ever want to hear anything about your ex anymore. Any news is bad news.
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Old 9th October 2016, 2:46 PM   #50
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My break up was a year ago this month....and I don't know if its because its the one year mark or I am just being super emotional and found out some crap on facebook from a friend telling me..but I feel back to square one. I miss him again, I want to talk to him so badly, I am constantly plagued by what happened and feeling like my self esteem has been destroyed. Constantly ruminating about what he did and trying to understand it. I know I will never understand it, I need to stop trying. I know deep down he got cold feet and panicked..and latched on to a girl that showed interest because it was convenient and he didn't want to be alone. It sucks to know they are still going strong and I am still hurting so badly. I know it takes time and working on me I am. Been playing soccer, dating, in school again, new vehicle, own my own home and don't pay a mortgage...all things I should be proud of. I am sick of missing him and getting nothing in return. My counselor has done EMDR sessions with me and they have helped..I have another one coming up, I have even upped my anti depressants to see if that will help. I know I shouldn't assume he is happy, but the fact that they are still together kills...because it makes me think that it must have been worth it for him...worth it for him to hurt me so badly because hes made it work with her. Someone please tell me it gets easier and comes in waves. I know I am attractive, I know I can get other men, why am I holding on to this person that doesn't deserve me? Does he get to be happy with her while I still mourn him and miss his companionship? I have repeated this all a million times on here, I don't want to tie my self worth and happiness to his outcome because that's ridiculous and a recipe for disaster, I guess I wish I knew if he thought of me at all but that wouldn't make a difference either. I guess I just want to know if other people are still struggling like me? I am so so hurt still...when will the pain finally go away? I am so frustrated with this feeling and lack of progress lately..
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Old 9th October 2016, 2:59 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by ShannonM10 View Post
Someone please tell me it gets easier and comes in waves.
Oh yes, it definitely works like that, although sometimes it can really be tough. But personally I cannot say life gets easy, there always is some struggle. Enjoy the beauty that is presented to you, as there is always also is some beauty present. I guess that is what matters.
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Old 9th October 2016, 5:25 PM   #52
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Originally Posted by ShannonM10 View Post
I just hope that people are correct in saying that burying your emotions will eventually kick you in the ass and you will have to deal with them at some point..
Shannon, people only know what they know and have been taught, in other words, the breadth of their experience.

Unfortunately, until you been through similiar, a person cannot possibly empathise with another. He has his perspective on the situation, and from what you're saying, he may have his own issues to face. You have yours.. You are feeling hurt and betrayed and that is completely understandable!
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Old 13th October 2016, 5:37 PM   #53
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After months of NC....I broke it

Long story, but I finally gave into my urges and broke NC. Said all the things I wanted to say and not in an overly emotional way. Here is what I wrote:

Hey -----, I have debated for a long time if I should reach out to you, and finally realized I would always regret it if I didnt. You were such a huge part of my life and I miss having you in it, but I am not ready for friendship yet as I am still too hurt by what happened.

There have been so many things that have happened that I have wanted to share with you and I do hope one day I can do that. I just wanted you to know that I finally got to ride the snowboard you got me in New Zealand..and it was everything I could have dreamed of. I hope your Dad is doing ok and I think of everyone in your family often. Please know that you meant alot to me...and I really do feel like we had a real connection. I still struggle with how things played out, the decisions that were made and the pain it caused. If you want to talk, you know how to reach me. Everything happens for a reason and I do hope you found the happiness you wanted.

I felt positive about the message, as it summarizes everything Ive felt for the last few months...and I still deeply care for him and his family. As I kinda expected, no response. Which hurts..and makes me feel like I really did mean nothing to him. There could be a million reasones why there isnt a response...but Id like to hope spending such a lengthy time together and all that we shared ment something to him that he would have some reaction from it. I guess thats the issue in the end. Is now I know I did everything in my power to be the bigger person and I can walk away knowing I tried to be nice. I know I will be berated for hindering my progress, but its something I had been debating on doing for months and months and knew I would have to do it eventually. Anyways...thanks for all the support guys. I am struggling today because I feel hurt and rejected again...and that he cared that little...but its also been a long time...and dont know what he could really say to make up for what happened. I guess an apology would have been nice. But I dont think he is sorry for anything. I can walk away now, and hopefully never look back.
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Old 14th October 2016, 8:49 AM   #54
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I guess that one risk of sending such a letter, as you are experiencing, is the anxiety while waiting for a response that might never come. In the end, if the closure of sending it was worth the anxiety that you are experiencing now than good for you. Only you know.

Good luck in your healing progress.
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Old 14th October 2016, 10:10 AM   #55
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I hoped you would have posted here before sending that letter.

I read your past thread about him and he was not deserving of your note. At some point you need to learn to let go of this and start focusing on truly moving forward from this man. We often send these types of notes to provoke a reaction because the silence has been deafening. But you need to come to terms that this guy is not good for you and use that to propel you forward.

I hope he does not respond, because that will help you move on.
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Old 14th October 2016, 10:12 AM   #56
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I'm sorry that you didn't get a reply, and it hurt you. If it has helped you move on then it's worth it. Personally I have written several emails which I have never sent because I know that it would just hurt my healing. He has already proven he doesn't care I don't need anymore proof on the front. You take care of yourself, chin up.
The woman who doesn't need validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet - Mohadesa Najumi.
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Old 14th October 2016, 11:41 AM   #57
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Maintaining NC is like fighting yourself. It might feel like you want to do everything you can to try to salvage what you had, but hopefully there's a small part of you that tells you it isn't the logical thing to do.

I hope that soon you'll be able to listen to that small part of you that tells you to move on. It's really tough but it's the right thing to do, whatever result you're hoping for.
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Old 14th October 2016, 12:14 PM   #58
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I have done that before with past exes, send that one last letter bearing my soul. None of the times I did it I got a response back or even some acknowledgment from the recipients. It made me feel A LOT worse to feel ignored like that, so I don't do it anymore. Now I just drop off the face of the Earth, I don't feel the need to explain/bare myself to them anymore because THEY. DO. NOT. CARE.
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Old 14th October 2016, 1:47 PM   #59
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Always post here first!!! We will talk you off the "writing your ex" ledge.

This thread is a lifesaver:
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Old 18th October 2016, 3:36 PM   #60
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OMG Shannon reading this whole thread is like reading about my current situation.

[moderator edit: the remaining text from this post has been moved to it's own thread here:

~6 ]

Last edited by Moderator; 18th October 2016 at 5:37 PM.. Reason: created new thread ~6
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