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How to understand the relationship?


LordRorek

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Hello, I was broken up with about a year and a half ago.

 

I am trying very hard to work through my issues and move on with life.

 

Some days are better than others. Hell I even have a new love now. ?

 

But there are a lot of unresolved issues and questions from my break up that I am still working on.

 

Why did she break up with me? What led to her making that decsion? Why did she give me the silent treatment after the break up? How does she feel about the relationship? How does she feel about the break up? How did her family react to the break up? What is the story she tells people about the break up?

 

But if you have read my story you will know that she won't speak to me for whatever reason. I am trying to just accept that I may never get the answers I seek and accept my own answers as fact.

 

It's been...difficult to say the least. But I am trying really hard.

 

So my questions are:

 

How did you guys accept things and move on without any definnative answers?

 

What coping strategies or help do you suggest for my issues?

 

What helped you understand the relationship in the absence of real answers?

 

If you have dumped someone and wouldn't answer any of their questions may I ask why? I mean unless they are harassing you with constant contact I can't fathom a reason why?

 

P.S. Here is a qoute about how I handled the break up and a link to my story.

 

I have been really stupid and I feel really foolish about how I have handled things.

 

I should have gone NC from the very beginning and stayed that way....Like she did.

 

I guess she was the smart one leaving me high and dry with no closure or answers.......But I know why I did what I did.

 

I had a lot of questions and wanted closure. So I kept trying to reach out in the hopes that I would get what I wanted. When that didn't work I snooped on her Facebook hoping to get a sign that she missed me or was in pain, that would have atleast been something. But all I found were pictures of her happy and that she had a new boyfriend. So then I had a friend tell me only things that might make me feel better like that her new relationship was over or something. But when her relationship did end it didn't make me feel any better.....it only brought a fresh round of pain.

 

God, I feel like such a fool! ?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/627147-complete-story-my-breakup

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Hello, I was broken up with about a year and a half ago.

 

I am trying very hard to work through my issues and move on with life.

 

Some days are better than others. Hell I even have a new love now. ?

 

But there are a lot of unresolved issues and questions from my break up that I am still working on.

 

Why did she break up with me? What led to her making that decsion? Why did she give me the silent treatment after the break up? How does she feel about the relationship? How does she feel about the break up? How did her family react to the break up? What is the story she tells people about the break up?

 

But if you have read my story you will know that she won't speak to me for whatever reason. I am trying to just accept that I may never get the answers I seek and accept my own answers as fact.

 

It's been...difficult to say the least. But I am trying really hard.

 

So my questions are:

 

How did you guys accept things and move on without any definnative answers?

 

What coping strategies or help do you suggest for my issues?

 

What helped you understand the relationship in the absence of real answers?

 

If you have dumped someone and wouldn't answer any of their questions may I ask why? I mean unless they are harassing you with constant contact I can't fathom a reason why?

 

P.S. Here is a qoute about how I handled the break up and a link to my story.

 

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/627147-complete-story-my-breakup

 

I know it's not what you want to hear but you'll never get any answers. Even if you do, they may not be real or they may hurt you.

 

I didn't get any answers after my ex of 7 years left. I made up my own "She didn't love me enough to stay and work on things."

 

That's the only answer I needed.

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You two were too young & she was far too immature to get married. that is the crux of your break up. She lied to her parents about you & your family. She told her family that your family was mean just so her mother would feel better about herself. Her family didn't like you; they probably brought a lot of pressure to bear to break you up. She also wasn't saving money like she promised & she lied to you about how much she was spending.

 

 

Who cares what -- if anything -- was going through her head when she broke up with you. Thank your lucky stars that she did! Otherwise you would probably be broke, with a kid neither of you can support & getting a divorce.

 

 

The best coping strategy I can offer you is to take a hard cold look at what a nightmare that relationship was, be grateful it's over & put it behind you once & for all.

 

 

You say you have a new love but 18 months later you are still obsessing about this EX. Stop before your new relationship implodes because that woman wakes up & realizes she's just a substitute for this other chick who doesn't deserve you.

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You two were too young & she was far too immature to get married. that is the crux of your break up. She lied to her parents about you & your family. She told her family that your family was mean just so her mother would feel better about herself. Her family didn't like you; they probably brought a lot of pressure to bear to break you up. She also wasn't saving money like she promised & she lied to you about how much she was spending.

 

 

Who cares what -- if anything -- was going through her head when she broke up with you. Thank your lucky stars that she did! Otherwise you would probably be broke, with a kid neither of you can support & getting a divorce.

 

 

The best coping strategy I can offer you is to take a hard cold look at what a nightmare that relationship was, be grateful it's over & put it behind you once & for all.

 

 

You say you have a new love but 18 months later you are still obsessing about this EX. Stop before your new relationship implodes because that woman wakes up & realizes she's just a substitute for this other chick who doesn't deserve you.

 

I appreciate your honest and helpful advice.

 

Like I said earlier I am working hard to accept that I will never have the answers to my questions but I still have issues that I am working through.

 

It's not that I am obsessed with her but I still hurt from it and am trying to figure out what happened and why it happened.

 

My current love is very supportive and understanding of my issues because she also has issues from her ex. I have been very honest with her about what I have been through and my emotional state and she has done the same. ?

 

She feels that we all have issues and are all a work in progress and that it would be extremely hypocritical of her to break up with me because I have issues when she has issues too.

 

I am just trying to accept things and give up the need to know why.

 

That's kind of why I'm here. ?

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It can be hard to not know why. But from what you described of your EX she doesn't have the words, the maturity or the insight to give you the answers you seek.

 

 

Assume she just wasn't ready & that you two weren't meant to be. Move on from there.

 

 

Everybody does have baggage. The secret to life is to keep that baggage to a carry-on. Right now you have checked luggage but you are on your way to a steamer trunk. Unpack, already. You need to unburden yourself & you are the only one who can do that.

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It can be hard to not know why. But from what you described of your EX she doesn't have the words, the maturity or the insight to give you the answers you seek.

 

 

Assume she just wasn't ready & that you two weren't meant to be. Move on from there.

 

 

Everybody does have baggage. The secret to life is to keep that baggage to a carry-on. Right now you have checked luggage but you are on your way to a steamer trunk. Unpack, already. You need to unburden yourself & you are the only one who can do that.

 

I see what you are saying.

 

Any advice you could give to help "unpack" as you put it? I am trying to solder on and let go of the past but what else can I do? or what am I supposed to do other than that?

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Hi LordRorek,

 

 

How did you guys move on without definitive answers?

 

 

It was very, very hard for me, as I really wanted to know why. He left me out of the blue, without any explanation, even though he had told me he wanted to marry me and I struggled for a long time with the lack of answers. I used to be often tempted to write him letters because of that. But, little by little, with (very) hard work, inner discipline, with the help of my doctors, of my family, mentors and close friends, I managed to move on more and more. Little by little, the urges to write to him became less and less frequent. But it was very slow process for me (we're talking years). You have to press on even though it's very hard. Little by little, it gets better.

 

 

What coping stratégies or help do you suggest for my issues?

 

 

I read your whole story and as another poster said, I believe you should feel relieved that it's over with that girl. She sounds very immature, toxic and selfish. I don't know if I have any advice on which strategy to follow for you, because everybody is different. I know that what works for me, may not work for you. Everybody heals differently. I do believe one of the biggest key in a break up recovery is perseverance because the process can be quite long and difficult. Being very patient and kind to yourself is essential too. I believe you could try to figure out why you were attracted to a woman like her. It would help you in order to not choose a different kind of partner in the future. I know my ex was toxic, too, and analyzing why I always fell for toxic men was one of the biggest things that helped me heal myself.

 

 

What helped you understand the Relationship in absence of real answers?

 

 

I'm a thinker so I analyzed non stop for a long while and I was seeing doctors, too and that helped me see things more clearly and that helped me get answers. I did a lot of research online. I read a lot about relationships on this forum and others, and I also bought books about dating and relationships. All of that analysis helped me understand the whole thing. I also did a lot of activities (theater, hiking, foreign languages, travelling, cooking etc...) and meeting other people helped me put my break up into perspective and understand it better.

 

 

I hope this helps you,

Take care,

- Mousse

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Hi LordRorek,

 

 

How did you guys move on without definitive answers?

 

 

It was very, very hard for me, as I really wanted to know why. He left me out of the blue, without any explanation, even though he had told me he wanted to marry me and I struggled for a long time with the lack of answers. I used to be often tempted to write him letters because of that. But, little by little, with (very) hard work, inner discipline, with the help of my doctors, of my family, mentors and close friends, I managed to move on more and more. Little by little, the urges to write to him became less and less frequent. But it was very slow process for me (we're talking years). You have to press on even though it's very hard. Little by little, it gets better.

 

 

What coping stratégies or help do you suggest for my issues?

 

 

I read your whole story and as another poster said, I believe you should feel relieved that it's over with that girl. She sounds very immature, toxic and selfish. I don't know if I have any advice on which strategy to follow for you, because everybody is different. I know that what works for me, may not work for you. Everybody heals differently. I do believe one of the biggest key in a break up recovery is perseverance because the process can be quite long and difficult. Being very patient and kind to yourself is essential too. I believe you could try to figure out why you were attracted to a woman like her. It would help you in order to not choose a different kind of partner in the future. I know my ex was toxic, too, and analyzing why I always fell for toxic men was one of the biggest things that helped me heal myself.

 

 

What helped you understand the Relationship in absence of real answers?

 

 

I'm a thinker so I analyzed non stop for a long while and I was seeing doctors, too and that helped me see things more clearly and that helped me get answers. I did a lot of research online. I read a lot about relationships on this forum and others, and I also bought books about dating and relationships. All of that analysis helped me understand the whole thing. I also did a lot of activities (theater, hiking, foreign languages, travelling, cooking etc...) and meeting other people helped me put my break up into perspective and understand it better.

 

 

I hope this helps you,

Take care,

- Mousse

 

Thank you so much for your kind words.

 

I know it's a battle of attrition and that I will get there eventually... I just wish I would get there sooner rather than later. ?

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