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My Story [UPDATED: Hope vs False Hope]


brostocow

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Hello everyone. This is my first post. Not sure what I am hoping to achieve by this but I just want to share my story to someone different. This is a break up- but it's more about me not coping.

 

Last Friday (10 days now) I got home to see my ex had taken all of her stuff and a substantial amount of kids stuff. I finish work at 0100 so walking into that is something that will haunt me FOREVER. We had pigs, dogs, chickens, 2 acres of land, a huge cubbyhouse, swings etc etc. The best set up you could imagine. She took the pigs and 2 of the dogs, every single plant (some 200ish), a motorbike out of the shed etc etc, the list can go on. Got a crew of about 6 in to help her.

 

Now let me fill in a little: We have had our issues. Possibly both referring to our relationship as toxic in the last two years. We have two kids together (+ one step). She wanted to leave seriously (maybe) 3 or so times. I begged her to stay, she kept trying and the pattern continued. She is very laid back, cruisey type. I let **** bother me, like cleaning the house and ****ing small things like that. In the end it became about me 'begging' her to show me love and care. Only making her more and more distant.

 

She felt trapped, no other way out so she did an insane job in 8 hours and got out. I've spoke to many helplines, seen a therapist (am going back). I feel 100% to blame. I have so many regrets.

 

This was a 10 year relationship. I was 20, now 30. Really, my first (only) relationship. The pain is devastating. 10 days on and I miss her more and more. This isn't a typical no contact either because I will be seeing the kids quite often and sharing them with her. I have done nothing but sit around like a ****ing useless piece of ****. I've lost some 8-10kg.

 

I'm not without blame, and I know that. My therapy is going to plan on growing me as an individual, understanding that I put all my emotional investment in her, to the point, it's not healthy or normal. I hope I can talk to you guys a bit more in depth over some more posts. But for now, I am struggling so much. She also says (after I initiate asking) that perhaps in time if I learn not to be so emotionally needy she may want us to get back together. But that is just messing with my head. Almost like the only thing keeping me going is holding onto potential false hope. Or could it be real hope?

 

I am devastated to the point of mild suicidal thoughts (more I just want the pain to stop). The mornings are HORRIBLE. I miss her so much and I know love is a two way street but cant help but feel I created all this ****ing mess.

 

Thankyou for reading.

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My first breakup was similar to that, brutal and devastating. I didn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I just cried for months and obsessed about him. I went as far as trying to seek answers from psychics and spiritual healers too (yikes).

 

One of the best things that I received as a gift during that time was a paid trip to the hair salon. Why? Because it was the first step towards bettering myself. Yeah you can do to therapy and figure out what you did wrong in the relationship, I think it's good to focus on yourself right now. Workout, spend time with family/friends, get a dog, and try dating again when you feel ready.

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curiouslysearching

A break up or someone passing....I think they both constitute LOSSES.

And I think losing someone is just TOUGH. No matter the loss we all

seem to want to find the answer to WHY.....and WHY sometimes has

no answer

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It takes two. You are not the only reason the relationship broke. It feels that way because you don't have any answers right now.

 

Give yourself time. Sort through your emotions. It's going to be a rough road. But, you're so young. You have your whole life ahead of you.

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Well she has very clearly said it is my fault for being overbearing and over controlling, constantly hasseling her etc. I find myself calling her, pleading for a chance for us even in time. My same path of what I believe 100% cause our breakup, I am continuing down it. I feel the only relief from my pain is talking to her, which then creates more pain. Even though I have spoke quite a bit to her, I do still have so many questions. I don't think I will get through this. It has broken every bit of me. It isn't getting any easier, just harder.

 

Two days ago she was talking to me, only on the back of me talking to her. I found out she has had a bloke helping her with the move, pig pen and such and have now created an obsession of distrust with her over this issue. She swears black and blue she isn't interested in another relationship but I'm not around to know. She even said there could be some help in the future before I started that. Now she just wants me to leave her alone again. I'm so tyred. I miss her so much. I hate myself and I don't know how to get through it. The days are getting worse.

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Sorry guys, this is long. Please give it a read.

 

Hi everyone. I shared my story in the coping section. It's been 16 days since I came home to my house being cleaned out. I haven't slept there since - bèen staying at my parents place. There is so much back story to us, and I hope as with other threads I'll get a couple you guys/girls to comment, help me through, fill in the gaps and open up more.

 

I was 20. 10 year relationship. We have had marriage counselling, briefly. Last 2-3 years relationship detiriorated. We have two kids, 6 and 8. I have a step (her previous relationship), 12. She has wanted to break up many times, I've begged her to stay. I wanted to fight for our relationship. Not end it. It led to many insecurities because I was scared it would end, therefore putting alot of emotional baggage on her, and only pushing her further away.

 

So she left. Blamed me for 90% of it. Because she was so easy going, I created the dramas. Which is true, but I felt her withdrawing and just wanted our happy times back. She says I could of fixed it any time in the last 2 years but I wasn't able to back of from the emotional side of asking her to show me love, care, wanting to spend time with me etc, etc, etc. The thing is I felt so insecure and sad during those times. I created those issues, but I know I wasn't alone. Despite that she says it was just me.

 

Anyway, she seems fine post breakup. Mostly angry and frustrated at me. I have had the worst time since. Suicide thoughts, wanting the pain to stop so so bad. I think in her mind our relationship was 'over-ish' a while ago... her grieving process is therefore entirely different. I hang on for dear life, scared of being alone, scared to lose my emotional rock and world for the last 10 years. So to come home to the house like that.... feels like I lost everything over night.

 

I've seen our therapist since, for myself. She said you could see ex had checked out a while ago... that she possibly couldn't live with her either because she was so easy going, and we just weren't right for each other. Also that I should completely let go and in a few months I will find that I don't want to be with her anymore.

 

BUT, when do you let go. I have spoken to ex everyday... we have kids so it is hard not to... but I've been super needy. Asking for a reconciliation, if I self develop will you want me back, asking is there any chance, asking to be friends with benefits, telling her I need her as my friend because these are the darkest days of my life. Reading between the lines, she said she wants to be alone, not interested in being with anyone else, those I have mentioned one bloke jealosly a few times now. She gets angry saying she isn't interested. I messed her head up enough and she wants no other male. BUT, she still says that she wouldn't ever rule us out completely, and that, after I asked, can I ask her to do more counselling in 3 months, her reply I don't know. You can try and ask then. She is my world. When do I let go? Should I hold out hope, or is it false hope?? How could I ever get over what she done?

 

I am scared to be alone and miss the sex quite alot too. One counsellor said it was a pretty normal part and called it something. Trying to contact her is just the same as a drug addiction.

 

I just want my old life back and miss her unbearably. I can't stand the thought that 10 years of our lives ended like this. We had many acres of land. An incredible house. A beautiful setup. And she left it all. And the worst part is, I've left it too because I can't go back.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
2 threads merged ~6
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sn3akerlover

I won't sugarcoat anything so I want to say you are having false hope. At the same time, if she is willing to try it again in the near future...follow her lead if you still feel the same way by then.

 

Everything I'm about to say next is easier said than done and some of it is based on my own experience. I'm just providing support and you should seek professional help from your therapist especially if you are feeling suicidal (Think about your kids!).

 

From this point on, your primary focus should be yourself and your kids NOT her. No matter the outcome, she will always be the mother of your children but you have to get the idea of her being your wife or friend out of your head. You don't have to be her husband or friend in order to successfully co-parent. Not having sex is only a small part. Being alone will be the hardest part of this process. You will have to adjust the way you think but it can be done! This will take time but time heals all wounds my friend.

Edited by sn3akerlover
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I think this personal growth you think she seeks probably needs to be done sooner or later. But not for her, for you. In other words, there is no getting out of it... the neediness etc. needs to be dealt with on it's own, either within or outside of the relationship. It doesn't feel good to be needy, I've been there myself.

 

She has left you and it does not look like she is coming back any time soon.

 

Refer to my comments above re- the inevitable dealing with your issues. We all have them, so don't think you're alone!

 

My advice is to spend this time working on yourself. You have no say in the matter, she has left. For goodness sake, do not abandon yourself... I think that's where a lot of people go wrong, they abandon themselves for another, and think that that person is more important (or slowly let it get eroded away)... Now is the time you should be sticking with yourself, rooting for yourself (no pun intended :confused:), and backing yourself in your own corner. You will actually realise you are okay and the greatest love you can find is yourself. No other human being can make up for it.

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