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Kicked when your down.

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 2nd May 2005, 5:37 AM   #1
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Kicked when your down.

OK, here's my story. My name is Matt I'm a 34 year old single male. My parents live with me because of their financial situation. My mother has vascular disease, suffered a stroke to her brain and after every attempt to save her leg she went through an above knee amputation back in July 04. Two months after that my Father was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. He passed away about 3 weeks ago. Now to the relationship part. I've been with the same women for 14 years. Everything seemed to be going alright between us even through my families' hardship. The day of my Fathers funeral she left me. She said that she thought that our relationship was more of a friendship than actually being in love anymore and wanted to remain friends. I didn't feel that way and asked her to tell me what had went wrong. I took all that she told me to heart and vowed to myself that I would change all of those things about myself, if not for her, then just to make myself better in a relationship. A week after our breakup I stopped by her house to return some of her belongings. I had tryed to phone her several times first but the line was busy. When I pulled into her yard, my best friends car was parked there. I knocked on the door but no one would answer it. I left her stuff on her porch. She called me later on that evening and acted casual about it. I told her that I new she had been with him. We work together, she and my so-called friend. I am his supervisor but not hers, though she works under me indirectly. I told them that since all of us needed our jobs we would carry on at work without there being any difficulties. She spoke with me again looking me directly in the eyes saying that she hadn't done anything wrong, that after someone breaks up they can date whoever they want. A week or so after that she admitted that she had been sleeping with him while I was at my father's bedside during his last few days (he was on Hospice and I was the only one left to take care of him). Up until all of this had happened I had the impression that this was a very sweet person (her every action seemed to lead me to believe that she was really a good person), so all of this came as a complete shock to me. Also, the man she had been sleeping with was a close friend of mine for several years. I simply cannot understand what must be going on emoitionally in someones heart to do something like this. Leaving me when I needed her most, the lies and betrayal, her utter lack of guilt. With what she did coupled with the loss of my father I was hurt beyond reason. I'm trying so hard to move on, but I can't stop thinking about what she did. It's not hatred that I feel for her. Not even love, because I would never take her back. It's just that I hurt so bad inside. I've been in this relationship for a long time and all of the little things that you're used to sharing keep reminding me of what happened. I hope that with time I'll feel better. I try to keep busy to keep my mind off of it. It's just so hard to cope I feel like laying down and giving up. Any ideas on how to get over this would be very much appreciated.
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Old 2nd May 2005, 8:10 AM   #2
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I'm so sorry this happened to you. I have no idea what gets into people's heads to make them so insensitive that they'd drop people in their times of trouble.

Having said that, you are well rid of her. No matter what you may have thought you saw in her, she is lacking in basic human decency and nobody needs a partner like that.

You will have to keep busy (with your mom, etc., you will be anyway, I guess) and try not to dwell on her good points. Instead, collect for yourself every wound she inflicted and other unpleasant memories you may have to remind yourself of why losing her is not a great loss after all. Don't allow yourself to relive all the happy moments because that will only prolong the pain.

You had a long association so detaching yourself will take some time. If you start finding yourself very depressed, seek help from a therapist or group.
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Old 2nd May 2005, 8:21 AM   #3
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Sometimes people act in ways that are so cruel you just can't make sense of it. The worst thing of all is that you know these people aren't bad - so why would they behave in such a way towards you? Especially when you're going through an exceptionally difficult time.

She's a sweet person, she's not a cruel, vindictive person. She's not the what is she? The truth is, she's probably - like many other people dotted all over this planet - just a straightforward, reasonably nice but ultimately somewhat weak individual. Maybe someone who hasn't gone through anything really bad yet, so isn't quite able to comprehend what you've been coping with lately.

How do you get through it? Well, here is probably a good start. Boards like this tend to attract "healer" types who will be happy to listen and help you. Some advice might be better than others, but pretty much all of it will be well meant.

I know you feel like you just want to lie down and give up. Just don't. Don't. You are going to need to set yourself some very clear goals here. Think of them as milestones on the path to recovery. First of all, if you haven't seen your doctor yet, I think you should. He or she can perhaps arrange some counselling for you.
Other things you can do will no doubt seem very artificial. Going for long walks, joining a nice plush health club, treating yourself to a short break away somewhere if you can. I know these are cliches. You probably don't feel like you deserve any treats right now (these sorts of times bring on bouts of self loathing where all you want to do is listen to Radiohead). Well, whether you think you deserve treats or not, do it. Treat yourself. These feelings are not going to go away on their own. You're going to need a very specific plan to chase them away.

It feels grim, and it's going to carry on feeling grim for some time yet I'm afraid. Like I say - make use of boards like this, but also make sure you're getting out and about for some fresh air (must take my own advice in a few minutes - it's a lovely day out there!). Think about maybe changing jobs, if that's an option. Try not to let all this harden you too much (difficult I know). As things slowly start to improve, you'll start to notice that people - all kinds of people - start to connect with you in a way that you never noticed before. You'll wonder why - and then you'll gradually realise it's because the world is full of people who've been there, who know what it's like and are genuinely rooting for you to get out of that dark place.

And when you do get better you'll realise that you've got back to being something the person you were before things turned so bad - with an added sense of self-respect. You'll be a stronger, more honest person - which will, in itself, make all sorts of other people gravitate towards you. Managing to get through a horrible time just leaves you with something. It's hard to define, but it's not something you can borrow, buy or fake.

Get through this, Matt, and one day things will suddenly seem clearer and brighter than you can remember them being for a long time. And the girl who's making you want to lie down and give it all up right now will seem like she belonged to a different lifetime.
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