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How are you coping today?


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 7th March 2018, 10:52 PM   #9151
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Beachead you are a true success story. You went to the depths of hell as far as breakups go and you managed to come out the other side and are passing all you learned onto others. It doesn't get any better than that. I thank you.

You mentioned how you hung onto hope for a very long time. I feel like even though I'm in denial about hope most of the time, I'd be lying if I didn't say I realistically still have around 10% of hope remaining in me that one day, somehow, someway, she reaches out with some big apology and talk that leads to us meeting again, having the great time that I just know we'd have, and then who knows, maybe, just maybe, it would progress into giving things a REAL shot this time, without fear of an ex returning or her leaving for him this time. I admit I do have some hope sometimes that she's been at least occasionally thinking about just how well I treated her in those 2 months that she would acknowledge so often and that maybe she feels that the pressure she'd face in coming back just might be worth a shot. Maybe she'd stop and think about how we didn't have a single blip on the radar when we dated. Maybe.

A pipe dream perhaps, I know, but when you feel a connection as strong as I did with this person it's just hard not to think...

I wonder one more thing to ask you since you are obviously someone who seems to know.. Do you think it is at all healthy or even normal to hold onto the tiny amount of this "hope"? Or is it flat out dangerous?

Last edited by Mac0908; 7th March 2018 at 11:12 PM..
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Old 8th March 2018, 6:07 AM   #9152
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I sometimes wonder if Iím holding onto hope without even realizing it. Iíve got the exact same fantasy that she is realizing the part she played in our downfall, slowly builds regret, and then frantically calls me to deliver a grand apology, professing her love for me. As desperate as I am now, I have to say that thatís the only way Iíd take her back. Sheís admitted almost no fault in this which is actually robbing me of closure. I also secretly hope that her Facebook likes on my familyís page are breadcrumbs bc she canít fully let go. In reality she may be vain and not want my family to think poorly of her.

So the ultimate goal is to have all hope shattered into a million pieces. I suppose that looks completely different to each of us. For me it could be finding out she has another man. It may look different to each of us. Weíve all got a point of no return. Maybe itís only a matter of your brain slowly dripping out what you can emotionally handle at the moment until one day thereís nothing left to drip.

This forum has been immensely helpful to me. I feel so much more human and not alone when I come here. Thank you all
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Old 8th March 2018, 6:18 AM   #9153
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Oh and there is also the hope (fantasy) that I will go through this hell to get over her, finally overcome it, meet someone else, and serendipitously she will appear, ready to try again. The fantasy plays out that I would no longer have interest at that point.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:31 AM   #9154
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Originally Posted by TeddyPSmith View Post
Oh and there is also the hope (fantasy) that I will go through this hell to get over her, finally overcome it, meet someone else, and serendipitously she will appear, ready to try again. The fantasy plays out that I would no longer have interest at that point.
Teddy just curious whatís the gist of your situation?

I personally donít think itís wrong to have a minuscule amount of hope somewhere in our hearts but if weíre going day in and out wondering and worrying checking our phones thatís when itís a problem. THAT I donít do and I certainly hope you donít either. Iím in a position where Iíd be ok if I never spoke to her again as long as I lived.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:41 AM   #9155
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In my experience, hope is something that can't be switched off just at will. Hope is mainly intertwined with the denial phase and can only fade with the passing of time, as we enter the acceptance phase. We don't entirely choose whether to keep our hope alive or not.

I'm holding out hope that one day, whenever it may be, he'll reach out to me and say he's acknowledged his part in the break up and would like to try couples counselling. Realistically though, chances of that ever happening are slim to none.
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:11 AM   #9156
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Teddy just curious whatís the gist of your situation?

I personally donít think itís wrong to have a minuscule amount of hope somewhere in our hearts but if weíre going day in and out wondering and worrying checking our phones thatís when itís a problem. THAT I donít do and I certainly hope you donít either. Iím in a position where Iíd be ok if I never spoke to her again as long as I lived.
We were together for 2 years. Have kids similar ages. We were almost like a family. She had some flaws that I saw as major but tried to overlook. I told her we couldnít move forward until they were addessed. It seemed to dissolve at that point so we mutually ended it. In the end, she put almost all of the blame on me and diminished her role to not cooking or cleaning. I have been taking it really hard. We broke up 7 weeks ago and NC for almost 4 weeks.
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Old 8th March 2018, 7:27 PM   #9157
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There are some people I can not wait to be out of my life. I can't wait until he is so far gone that I don't remember how big and round his stupid head was.
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Old 8th March 2018, 8:52 PM   #9158
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Beachead you are a true success story. You went to the depths of hell as far as breakups go and you managed to come out the other side and are passing all you learned onto others. It doesn't get any better than that. I thank you.

You mentioned how you hung onto hope for a very long time. I feel like even though I'm in denial about hope most of the time, I'd be lying if I didn't say I realistically still have around 10% of hope remaining in me that one day, somehow, someway, she reaches out with some big apology and talk that leads to us meeting again, having the great time that I just know we'd have, and then who knows, maybe, just maybe, it would progress into giving things a REAL shot this time, without fear of an ex returning or her leaving for him this time. I admit I do have some hope sometimes that she's been at least occasionally thinking about just how well I treated her in those 2 months that she would acknowledge so often and that maybe she feels that the pressure she'd face in coming back just might be worth a shot. Maybe she'd stop and think about how we didn't have a single blip on the radar when we dated. Maybe.

A pipe dream perhaps, I know, but when you feel a connection as strong as I did with this person it's just hard not to think...

I wonder one more thing to ask you since you are obviously someone who seems to know.. Do you think it is at all healthy or even normal to hold onto the tiny amount of this "hope"? Or is it flat out dangerous?


Thank you man, I appreciate that. I guess I've had a lot of practice dealing with tough situations.

Hope is absolutely normal but very dangerous. It makes us tenacious and stubborn and can keep us stuck if we don't watch it. While having that attitude is largely a good thing when it comes to working on ourselves, in breakups, I have found hope does a disservice to us.

I can't count the number of times I've heard many people's stories on here and in real life of them hoping. Hell, I still have a little bit of hope in me that one day my ex's relationship with her ex will end and I can have the satisfaction of knowing I was right. It's not a good thing but then again, I'm not 100% healed yet.

You can't force it to go away. It's something that goes away as you progress through your grief. Provided they don't reach out to you, you'll find as the months accumulate and you don't hear from them, the silence will hurt and it will make you contemplate the possibility that they may never come back. When that happens, the relationship with them will appear in a different light. The pain of it all will force you to shut your hope down in whatever way you can. That is the point, you will truly begin to look towards a future irrespective of them and begin to move forward.

We don't know what will happen in the future. They may or may not come back. They may or may not reach out. It may or may not work out. It's best to focus on what is and proceed like that.

For example, with my ex, we had an amazing time together, but despite that, she left and she has chosen to stay away. It doesn't matter what she said or did when we were together, doesn't matter how she's feeling right now in this moment, as far as I know, she is gone and she will never come back. I'm not waiting. I have people who need me..more importantly, I need me.

And that's how I think. It's a binary, black and white way of thinking and I do in a way deceive myself into thinking harshly about the person but it is needed to bounce back from heartbreak.

Forgiveness will come later when your strength is restored and you are ready to accept the truth.

- Beach
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People are meant to be loved. Things are meant to be used. The problem is we use people and love things..

Last edited by Beachead; 8th March 2018 at 8:58 PM..
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Old 8th March 2018, 9:08 PM   #9159
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The good moods for me have mainly come about because of milestones or positive things happening at work, which has also served as distractions from wallowing in thoughts of him.

Triggers have been, like TeddyPSmith mentioned, songs, especially those that reminded me of our time together, random memories, and recently for me, moving from a temporary share apartment into my own apartment. It was then that it hit me that, well, this is it, there’s no going back.

Right now I’m having trouble understanding why I still love and miss someone who didn’t treat me well on many occasions, and displayed many deal-breaking qualities in the 2.5 years we were together. I figured this is because the bad things didn’t really start happening until the 1 year mark, and the person I’m missing is the person he was in the early days, not the person he slowly became. All the great memories I have of our time together were from the first year. Another reason I guess is because I knew he truly loved me and was committed to me, and in his own way, made a huge effort to be a good partner to me (as I did too for him). We were a couple who spent lots of time together and very much included each other in our family, social and work lives. And all that has been hard to let go of and live without.

Last night, I made a list of many of the times he treated me badly, and seeing them written down gave them substance and made them more real. Another thing I’m struggling with in a huge way, is not knowing whether he cheated on me when we were together (I found something that indicated this could’ve been the case). It’s something I’ll never know, and the fact that he could’ve cheated is killing me.




Couldn’t agree more Beachead. Thing is at the moment I really don’t have it in me to do much more than get through the stuff I have on my calendar each day. I have reflected on my relationship and breakup in depth, and have come away with many lessons of awareness to do with why he and I weren’t compatible, the work I need to do on myself in addressing my weak points (in particular why I allowed myself to be treated in the way I have been).
Keep that up and you're going to be more than okay. The more you know yourself, the more you can then choose who and what is right for you; a life that is more in line with what is in your heart. With less discrepency between the life you live and the one you want, you'll feel more at peace, more content, more fulfilled and it'll shine right out of you via the way you carry yourself in your body language and your ideas. This is attractive to people...both healthy and unhealthy. On one hand, you'll attract a lot of like-minded, healthier people who are right for you. On the other hand, you will always attract some bad apples as well. BUT, you'll spot them quickly and avoid them..and if by some chance you don't, you'll be far better at waking away. Whatever the outcome, you're better equipped.

It's no lie when they say, the changes begin with ourself.

- Beach

Last edited by Beachead; 8th March 2018 at 9:21 PM..
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Old 9th March 2018, 4:13 AM   #9160
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I'd checked a book out from the library roughly six months ago but never got around to reading it. Checked it out again today. Read through the first few chapters. Flipped a page and there was a sticky note that said "I love you so so so so much" in her hand writing. She must have hidden it in there for me to find. She truly is inescapable. Remarkable.
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Old 9th March 2018, 8:48 AM   #9161
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"I get knocked down but I get up again", that came to mind this morning. I was knocked down yesterday but I got back up again and I am feeling much better. I am sure it will happen again.
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Old 9th March 2018, 10:23 AM   #9162
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Went on a date last night and actually had a really good time. She was attractive, nice, mature, etc. It was a good self esteem boost and a good thing in general. As happy as I felt on the way home, there was some big pain under the surface knowing that as good of a time as I just had, it didn't even compare to some of the times I had with my "ex", even early on.

I know they are two completely different people and comparing is not right, but I just can't escape the thoughts still. We complimented each others personalities so well. We had such nice chemistry. I'm progressively doing better but still can't get over these thoughts. We didn't have one fight. Not one issue. Not one blip on the radar in the jam packed 2 months that we dated. Her ex came back and destroyed everything that was brewing between us. Sure she wasn't over him and she had her own issues for somewhat allowing this to blow up, but it doesn't change the fact that I bonded with this person better than anyone I've been with in many, many years.

Going on 1.5 months of no contact, and while I may be close to 80% healed, I still have that "if its meant to be, it will" mindset in my head and its really not dying down much.
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Old 9th March 2018, 6:19 PM   #9163
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Every day i have to drive somewhere and have a coffee. Usually I'm gone for a few hours. I do it to be on my own and clear my head(This being the main motivation and it helps me make sense of things). Once i come back home i feel able to make it through the rest of the day.

I've been doing this for months now.

Does anybody else do anything specific to help themselves get through it? X
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Old 9th March 2018, 11:17 PM   #9164
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I'd checked a book out from the library roughly six months ago but never got around to reading it. Checked it out again today. Read through the first few chapters. Flipped a page and there was a sticky note that said "I love you so so so so much" in her hand writing. She must have hidden it in there for me to find. She truly is inescapable. Remarkable.
How bittersweet. Life's little surprises can be astounding.
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Old 10th March 2018, 12:42 AM   #9165
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Every day i have to drive somewhere and have a coffee. Usually I'm gone for a few hours. I do it to be on my own and clear my head(This being the main motivation and it helps me make sense of things). Once i come back home i feel able to make it through the rest of the day.

I've been doing this for months now.

Does anybody else do anything specific to help themselves get through it? X
That's good HBJH. A coffee in the day works for me too. Also, I go for a workout. 1.5 hours to myself. 2 things that make my day are those.

Last edited by Beachead; 10th March 2018 at 2:43 AM..
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