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How are you coping today?

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 7th February 2018, 6:59 PM   #8956
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Originally Posted by clist8511 View Post
I think I'm going to have to come back to LS for a bit. It seemed to help the last time things got a bit painful.

I find myself wanting to return to an abusive relationship. I know, after work with my therapist, that this is characteristic of my choice to cope with a bad situation rather than leave it completely for fear of not being able to find better (something I did with my abusive emotionally abusive family). I also know that the feeling of wanting to be around abusive ex comes from the desire to seek her approval (as with family) and thus, me proving to myself (and to her/them) that I'm worth something.

I don't feel that I'm worth anything. If I was, wouldn't she have stayed with me? Wouldn't I have a new partner, by now? Wouldn't my life be better without her? It probably IS better without her, I just am unable to see it. That's another reason I can't get in touch. If she is with someone, it will further compound my feelings of not being worth anything.

I realise none of this makes sense. No-one in their right mind would go back to someone who did nothing but abuse them. There must be something wrong with me.

I wish I knew how long this was going to take. I feel like I'm in limbo of some sort. I'd rather feel that intense pain at the beginning; this feels like nothing, I can't even describe it. I bet she's just moved on to someone else and isn't even thinking about me.
It's just the normal cycles of ups and downs in grief that take you from sad, anger, happiness, indifference. Took me 2 years to get over my previous ex. 2 long years. I know it's like "Wow that's a long time" but it's the time I needed at that particular stage of my life. I thought there as something wrong with me too. But as time passed, I found myself clearer, stronger, better. Lot of people forget how it feels to be heartbroken and say things like "You should be over this by now." No, you get over it when you get over it. Just don't let yourself stay flat on your face. Even in your defeat, you can still do plenty good for yourself like letting your feelings be free and embracing them, experiencing them, learning from them.

Being numb, indifferent/apathetic about things in life is part of our grief. Kind of feels like we are drugged up on painkillers and floating through the days yea? There is nothing wrong with you at all.

Continue to work through you thoughts. Concentrate on the negatives of your ex and the relationship to remind you of why it ended and write them down so you can read it over and over again when you cycle back to this state which you will. All the times they upset you, all the times they made you angry. Why they made you feel like this. Realize that there was no way for either of you two to change and become whom you both wanted to be within that relationship at that period of time and thus the only way for changes to happen was to break up and be apart. That relationship was not meant to last. You miss what you wanted it to be, rather than what it was.
People are meant to be loved. Things are meant to be used. The problem is we use people and love things..

Last edited by Beachead; 7th February 2018 at 7:04 PM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:16 PM   #8957
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I am sad today. No fancy words or epiphanies... just sad. Getting ready to go out of town again... actually to the last place you and I went...oh well... tomorrow is a new day. Today I am sad.
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:51 PM   #8958
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I have come to the realization that the standard model grief cycle- denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance, or whatever it is, doesn't quite fit with the heartbreak experience-

Because it misses the essential element of 'betrayal!'

Anyway hope everyone's keeping on keeping on.

I gotta say I do wonder why the grief cycle kicks in upon the betrayal of a partner, it doesn't really make any kind of physical or psychological sense. I mean, no-ones died, have they?

I suppose it could because in the ancient world, the most common way to lose your spouse would be cave bear attack or something, and so when they are gone, our DNA triggers the grief process.

The evolutionary biologists also reckon that men are wired to 'serve and protect' exes long after they've gone, because of course in the ancient world, exes meant children, and so you're protecting your own genes by continuing to protect their mother.

Even if she betrayed you with the neighboring troglodyte.

I feel a bit of that. I'm worried about my ex right now. Its a difficult thing to explain, its seems irrational, so maybe the evolutionary bio guys are right and I'm just somehow wired that way.

Which means I'm stuck worrying about her FOREVER haha.
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Old 7th February 2018, 8:36 PM   #8959
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Originally Posted by Beachead View Post
...The only way I know how is to counter the crap we've been through by loving ourselves so that we learn how to accept what is and isn't right for us, accomplish great things, develop confidence and eventually arm ourselves with a strong spirit. This takes a lot of internal reflection but once we have that, we naturally pass this love onto others the way it was supposed to be.

Being aware of yourself and your environment and knowing how what you do and say impacts your environment is crucial. We were all babies once and we're all human. We all feel. We hurt. We cry. We make mistakes. Get angry. Even dumpers. They've had their heart broken as well. Maybe not in a relationship, maybe by a friend or a family member but there has been a point in their life and ours where someone has let us down. Despite that, many of us are unable to recognize this connection we share and still continue to do each other wrong. How such a simple concept eludes so many people out there is the real tragedy. It's why forums like LS have to exist.
Well said. We need self-confidence to protect ourselves, to prioritize our own interests, to be vocal about our needs and standards, to say no to mistreatment, and if needed walk away ASAP. (I still remember when Beachead replied to me I should prioritize myself, it alerted me: I cared more of my ex than myself , so I had always chosen to compromise for 'us' to be together.)

We (speaking of myself) need to know what a healthy relationship is like, how I'd like to be treated, and let potential partners know how our standard. We will need to compromise, but never let others cross the line.

Family relationship and past relationships -- friendship, work relationship, and romantic relationship-- shape our understanding of relationship, we have been subconsciously learning and calibrating since we were kids. If coming from an abusive family, it's possible one would not know s/he should be treated well with love, care and respect. If unfortunately friends in the past had been mean and bully to us, we could have accepted that as a norm. That is probably another reason that when we were in a toxic relationship, we couldn't see how bad it was until we are out of it.

I wish, when we are back into a relationship, from time to time, we all could remain calm and look at the relationship a little more objectively, pay enough attention to ourselves (people here on LS seem less likely to be selfish, my observation) and understand our feelings -- if we are happy and what makes us not happy etc.
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Old 7th February 2018, 10:05 PM   #8960
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I'm just lonely today. Parts of my day were good but there's been an underlying feeling of sadness. I know that if she was here we'd probably just be arguing or distant anyways.

The last couple days I've committed to improving myself. I've eaten very healthy, started taking care of my skin, stepped up the intensity at the gym. I'm noting the things I don't like about myself so I can work to change them.

I'm not sure what I can do for the boredom and loneliness. I wish things were back to the way they were when our relationship as good.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:25 AM   #8961
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I miss the closeness and comfort of having someone in a relationship. But we can't just remember the good or just the bad. It's the whole package and there is a reason they left us or vice versa or that you're not with them anymore. The whole package did not work. Doesn't mean there weren't good things.

Meh rarely I don't hate him as much, but overall I think what he did was unforgivable.

It's just so hard to find someone new, but I would rather be more careful.
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Old 8th February 2018, 6:18 AM   #8962
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Day 22

Last night he sent me a text to ask how I was going, and it made me so sad. It breaks my heart that he's hurting and alone in our old home. I cried so much last night.

Today, for the first time, I confided in my close friend XXXXXXXX about the possible cheating. I asked him whether he thinks I owe it to my ex-partner to be honest about what I found. His advice was that if I came clean about what I found, and requested answers, it would only hurt me even more. He said it's best not to find out, best to just go stone cold NC, and that one day, whether he cheated or not wouldn't matter anymore.

I'm so grateful for my friends and for my mum who have been there for me. I'm so fortunate to have them.
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:36 AM   #8963
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I miss my imaginary boyfriend. He was not real to me.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:12 PM   #8964
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Iím in a cycle of a couple of good days, then a couple of bad.

During the bad days, I would like to reach out to him. Or check his social media. But I havenít. Even though at that moment I feel horrible and awful, I know checking in on him would be a million times worse.

The crazy thing is I was over this guy; and had completely moved on. But then we got back together, and I feel silly that I have to do this healing process all over again.

But the good days, well they have just been amazing. The days when I feel free, just enjoying life. They keep me strong, and hopeful.
Our purpose in life is to help others; if we canít help them at least donít hurt them.
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Old 8th February 2018, 3:50 PM   #8965
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Today, my hopes to get back with her got more and more bleak, so I could see the pain and hurt hiding behind that hope. I tell you, it hurts. It's like somebody's giving papercuts to your heart over and over again. Since I've quit smoking and porn/masturbation, I stopped numbing myself so I let myself go today. I cried. I cried nonstop. At some time, tears wouldn't come out but I still cried. Felt a little better since I discharged my emotions but it still hurts. I'm thinking, am I clinging on a silly hope? Or will everything work out in the end? I don't know. I desperately want to know but I how can I.
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Old 8th February 2018, 4:09 PM   #8966
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Originally Posted by Fever of love View Post
I gotta say I do wonder why the grief cycle kicks in upon the betrayal of a partner, it doesn't really make any kind of physical or psychological sense. I mean, no-ones died, have they?
Too lazy to google it ... but ... yes, betrayal does create it's own unique set of physiological ... physical....changes and reactions in the body that breaking up for other reasons do not do.

Because someone betrayed you doesn't mean that you do not still care...(or even love them, for that matter).

Betrayal is an action.....not a person. There's a difference.
My life is better left to chance...I could have missed the pain....but I'd have had to miss the dance
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Old 8th February 2018, 9:22 PM   #8967
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Iím doing ok today.

Iíve kind of just been numb to my feelings lately....not really feeling at all. Since my New Years resolution was to give up on love, I really havenít missed dating or had the urge to. My online dating profile has been taken down for two months now. Online dating made me feel sick to my stomach anyway. I no longer have dreams of finding someone special and Iíve accepted the fact that my life was meant for me and me alone. Itís easier this way. Less heartache... This way I canít be used, betrayed, lied to, cheated on, ghosted etc. Well there is a much lesser chance of it at least.

Iíll never forget when I was a teenager, I wrote this letter about finding my soulmate and all the qualities I wanted him to have and how I wanted to get married and have all these kids. I kept that letter hidden in my bedroom, but my mother found it one day and read every word aloud in front of me and just laughed. I instantly felt so ashamed, embarrassed and mostly just plain silly. Looking back perhaps it was silly and foolish to hope for such a thing. I should have ended my search for love right then and there. Could have saved myself years of heartache and pain.

I have this coworker who just recently graduated college. Sheís a very young and sweet girl. Full of hopes and dreams of the future. She reminds me of myself somewhat at that age. She is actually engaged to be married this June. She and her fiancť were high school sweethearts.....they were each otherís firsts everything. I imagine it must be nice to find love at such a young be spared years of searching, longing, broken hearts, mister wrongs etc. But then I also wonder if you truly know what you want at that age? Or does it take time....years of sorting through different partners, trial and errors, ups and downs etc.? I dunno... Anyway, this coworker is constantly talking about the wedding and all the planning for it...the cake, the dress, how sheís going to wear her hair, the honeymoon etc. How she wants exactly four kids and how they are going to start trying right away because she wants to have all her children before the age of 30. And for a brief moment I have waves of envy....being in my mid thirties and nowhere near the point in life where she is......but then I remind myself that life doesnít always turn out like you envisioned or hoped....youíre not entitled to the life you wanted....and whatís meant to be will be. Besides, the years I spent searching for love left me unhappy and with many broken hearts. Finally giving up on it all makes me feel free instead of constantly worrying that Iíll never meet my perfect match and having the stress of hearing my biological clock ticking away. Life is as it should be now. Some things are still raw and every now and then Iíll get sad for everything Iím missing out on and will never have, but overall itís very freeing.

I do however feel like Iím just existing....not really living. I just go through the motions. Not necessarily looking forward to anything. Just savoring the time I have left with family and loved ones. Some days it hits me as a sad and pathetic life, but other days Iím fine and actually feel joy and fulfilled. I know it will take time to get used to, but Iíll get there eventually. Just been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting...
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel. ~ Anonymous
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Old 9th February 2018, 12:18 AM   #8968
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I cried all day today. It feels like I'm going backwards. I even cried in the shower just imagining what I would tell her if I see her again, also reminiscing about the moments that truly made me feel she was the one.
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Old 9th February 2018, 11:38 AM   #8969
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We will all heal as time passes. How much time? Well, that depends on us. Will we heal fully? Again, that depends on us. We may, we may not. It's a let it be kind of thing.

It's unfathomable right now but there will be a day, someone will catch our interest. Years later perhaps. We won't be looking because we'll be living our life. A post breakup life lived by a new us that will now be filled with new characters, new environments, new everything; a life different from the one we lived when our ex were around. Through it, this feeling will come out of nowhere. Whether we want it to happen or not is irrelevant. I can't say they will feel the same way, I can't say we or then will act on it if it's a mutual feeling. I can't say it would work out. But, I can say with 100% certainty it will happen. And just as everything will be new and different in this new life..this feeling will arrive to us in a new way as well.

In our own time

Last edited by Beachead; 9th February 2018 at 12:01 PM..
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Old 9th February 2018, 4:03 PM   #8970
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It's been 5 weeks and I'm still in limbo. I can't stop thinking I should get back together with him, but who gets back with an abuser? Ugh!
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