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My best friend stole the girl of my dreams[UPDATE: Having a difficult time moving on]


theheartbrokenweaboo

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theheartbrokenweaboo

So this is going to be slightly long, I do apologize, but I don't know where else to go or who else to talk to, so I hope the loveshack community could help me out.

 

So I met the girl of my dreams on a Japanese pen pal website about 5 years ago. She instantly caught my eye and I just had to talk to her. So for the 1st 3 years, we were constantly messaging each other back and forth. 3 years ago I got enrolled in my current university, majoring in Art and Animation and met my best friend there. He too was a fellow artist, but he was majoring in business instead. I told my dream girl about him, because my first impressions about this guy were negative. I was your typical nerd that was into anime, video games and what not, and here's a guy who was into a variety of sports and was also a natural bodybuilder. He also was dating quite a bit and sleeping around a lot. Well my dream girl told me that she never quite liked muscular men, that they scared her, so I told her she didn't have to worry, I was nothing like that! As I got to know her more, she told me that she's never dated before, but she's always dreamed about coming to the US. She was also a fellow nerd and loved writing poetry despite being a model over there in Japan.

 

Well as time went on, I got to get to know my roommate and he turned out completely different than what I thought he would be. He was a very fun guy to hang out with, and also liked to play video games, so I knew that the semester was not going to suck. He also is a huge Marvel and DC fan, having a private collection of a variety of comic books. I eventually told him about my dream girl and he actually gave some helpful advice and got me to make her laugh a few times. We eventually became best friends this guy and I.

 

Well about a year and a half ago, my dream girl told me some awesome news. She was going to transfer over to my University to further her career as a designer. I was super excited and I told my friend about it. We eventually got her settled that summer before the semester began and I was a bit intimidated by my best friend because I caught my dream girl staring at him multiple times. My best friend tried to put me at ease by telling me that he wasn't really into Asians, and he preferred other types of girls (he usually dates blondes or brunettes). Well I got to hang out with her a lot, playing video games, having her teach me how to cook different meals and there were a few times we cuddled while watching anime, but when I got the courage to try and make a move and kiss her, she turned her face and cheeked me. She told me that she wasn't ready for that yet and so I backed off, but continued to hang out with her a lot. My best friend though tried his best to help me out when he could.

 

Well, as the semester progressed, I noticed that my best friend wasn't hanging out with me as much and one day I overheard my dream girl talking to other friends of hers and told them that she thought my best friend was a very beautiful man. It felt like I was punched in the gut and when she spotted me, she tried to talk for a bit but I came up with an excuse that I had to be somewhere. Well when I got back to my apartment, I noticed that my friend was preparing a meal, which was chicken but that he already had rice made for him. When I saw the container, I instantly knew it belonged to my dream girl. I didn't say anything and quickly went in to my room. I was very upset, hurt, and not knowing what to do because I really liked this girl. Eventually my best friend caught on and told me that ya, he's definitely seeing my dream girl, that he would have told me sooner but he was afraid on how I was going to act.

 

Well for the past year, it's been very difficult and I've been overly depressed. I try to hide it the best I can but at times I just can't and I break down. I began to hate him for getting with her, and seeing her wear his shirts, or showing him the shows we used to watch together was unbearable. I even walked in on them making out! Well one day she told me that her parents were coming to visit over the holidays so she can introduce them to him, and she would like it if I got to meet them too. I agreed but it was very depressing for me as I got to see him make her and her family laugh. He also told them what he was majoring in and hoped to open up his own business one day and be an entrepreneur.

 

One morning I woke up and noticed that she was leaving his room, and it was apparent that she spent the night with him. Well I got kind of angry with her and asked how could she sleep with someone she's not even married to. Well after getting angry at her, my best friend overheard and came out of the bathroom and noticed that she was uncomfortable. He told her to wait and that he'll take her back home. He asked if he could talk to me for a second and ended up getting very angry at me, asking me what the hell was wrong with me, that if I was a real friend of hers, I would never sl*t shame her like that. He also said that if he ever caught me talking to her like that again or talking bad about her he was going to kick my a**. So they left and I began to avoid him. I was just super angry.

 

Well I noticed that these past several weeks she began to avoid me. I eventually was able to catch her one day and apologize. I also took a huge step and confessed that I love her. She was everything that I wanted in a woman and more. She started to cry a little but told me to stop. She said she's never been the one to be mean, but that she always seen my as a good friend or a brother, that she never saw me in "that way." She eventually left but I noticed that she had an engagement ring on. I was torn apart inside.

 

When I got back, I noticed that my roommate was packing up and that there was another person there. I asked him what was going on, and he told me that he and my dream girl were going to move in together elsewhere and he didn't know how I was going to take it, but he did the liberty of finding someone else to take over the lease so I didn't have to worry. We eventually got into an argument, and I asked him if he proposed to her, which he said yes he did. I asked him how he could do this to me, that I thought we were best friends, and that he knew I really liked her. He told me that he tried his best to not do anything with her when she first transferred, that he tried to avoid her advances on him, but that one day he came across one of her poems by accident that she left behind, and it was about him, and that he was taken back and smitten by it, and from then on knew that he had feelings back for her.

 

Well as he was leaving he told me that I needed to respect their decision to be together, that if I kept pursuing this, that I was going to lose two friends. He told me that there are a lot of other girls out there, that she isn't the only one and wished me good luck and left. I cried a lot that day and have been hurting inside ever since. I just don't know what to do, and would really like it if someone could shed some light on this and tell me what I can do to move on? Should I move on, or should I try one more time to win her over? Thanks

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That is a very sad story. And this part is even more sad: move on. She was never into you, never reciprocated the love and so many on this site will tell you it wasn't real love (reciprocation being one of the things needed for love).

 

It sounds like she wants you as a friend but I wouldn't do that either. Some woman (not all, probably not most, but some) cannot see themselves with a beta guy, which you sound like. It's practically biology for them to see themselves with an alpha. But the good news is that you're someone else's alpha so don't debase yourself by going after her again.

 

If you want a chance with her - and the chance is likely 1% or less - let her go. Perhaps this relationship with this guy will not last and only then would you have a chance, then only if she came back to you.

 

As for your friend, he's gone too. Maybe he's in love with her and if so the heart wants what the heart wants. But in college, you can keep that ***** in check because it starts with lust and he didn't. I would never sleep with a friend or roommate's love interest...and I've had multiple opportunities, some very tempting.

 

And btw, your roommate was right. You should NOT have sl_t shamed her. I'm glad you apologized but remember that lesson.

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I'm sorry this happened to you but you do have to move on.

 

 

Sadly, just because you liked this girl did mean she was your GF. Especially since you never asked her out until it was too late, she was free to date anybody. It would have been nicer if your buddy was more upfront with you & told you up front that he was going to ask her out but he was under no obligation to do so. If he was just some random guy you still would have lost out but then at least you only would have lost her not him plus your buddy.

 

 

You were way wrong to confront her the way you did when you realized she spent the night. You being understandably hurt was no excuse.

 

 

What happened sucked, but you will only make it worse if you continue to pursue her. If you can't let go of this I predict one of two things will happen: your former roommate will end up punching you (not saying he'd be justified just that it's a possibility) or she will file a complaint for harassment against you. You have the power to prevent both by being a gracious (or at least invisible) also-ran. (You are not a loser; you are a good guy who just didn't get the girl this time)

 

 

Next time you fancy a girl, don't put her on so much of a pedestal and ask her on a proper date early on so you don't get friend-zoned.

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Ouch, this story was painful. Not because you are some sort of loser for this happening to you--you aren't--but because it brings back memories. We all get rejected by someone we care about a lot at some point though, you will get through this and come out stronger.

 

 

Well about a year and a half ago, my dream girl told me some awesome news. She was going to transfer over to my University to further her career as a designer. I was super excited and I told my friend about it. We eventually got her settled that summer before the semester began and I was a bit intimidated by my best friend because I caught my dream girl staring at him multiple times. My best friend tried to put me at ease by telling me that he wasn't really into Asians, and he preferred other types of girls (he usually dates blondes or brunettes). Well I got to hang out with her a lot, playing video games, having her teach me how to cook different meals and there were a few times we cuddled while watching anime, but when I got the courage to try and make a move and kiss her, she turned her face and cheeked me. She told me that she wasn't ready for that yet and so I backed off, but continued to hang out with her a lot. My best friend though tried his best to help me out when he could. ...

 

I think lurker and d0nnivain gave you good advice. Although, where I differ from d0nnivain is that I really don't think there was anything you could have done differently to have made her your girlfriend. (She never was your girlfriend. She never was going to be your girlfriend, whether you properly "asked her out" or not. She was never attracted to you. She was into your friend from the very beginning. And even if she were ever your girlfriend, the chemistry between her and your friend was so strong that she likely would have broken up with you to be w him. The parts I bolded says this. When a woman is into a guy, she makes it super easy for him, just as this girl made it really easy for your friend by writing him poetry. If this girl were into the you back, she would have kissed you.)

 

I really think you need to cut yourself off from them in the meanwhile and move on. That's the one bit of advice I have for you now. And read the other threads on here--breakups and heartbreak happens to us all.

Edited by ReformedPUA
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I'm sorry this happened you to.

 

I'm not seeing anywhere in your post that you and she had a talk and agreed you two were exclusive with one another. Yeah, your boy shouldn't have moved on her, but he did and you're going to have to accept that. Yeah, it sucks.

 

I'd leave them both alone for now. What's the point in trying to get with her? She's already shown you she doesn't see you like that. To keep forcing that issue by not hearing what she's saying is only going to end up with you being hurt even more.

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Although, where I differ from d0nnivain is that I really don't think there was anything you could have done differently to have made her your girlfriend. (She never was your girlfriend. She never was going to be your girlfriend, whether you properly "asked her out" or not. She was never attracted to you. She was into your friend from the very beginning. And even if she were ever your girlfriend, the chemistry between her and your friend was so strong that she likely would have broken up with you to be w him. The parts I bolded says this. When a woman is into a guy, she makes it super easy for him, just as this girl made it really easy for your friend by writing him poetry. If this girl were into the you back, she would have kissed you.)

 

 

To the extent that I made you think that you had a chance with this girl, theheartbrokenweaboo, I'm sorry. I did not mean to imply that had you done anything differently you would have gotten this girl. I wholeheartedly agree that had see seen you in a romantic light she would have kissed you when you tried to kiss her. The chemistry was never there with her.

 

 

After you heal from this very real pain going forward as you venture back into the dating, remember fortune favors the bold. If you like a woman, let her know that early on & ask her a date sooner rather than later.

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Well.

Lesson learned.

 

When i meet a woman i want i ask her out.

I do not hang out as friends with her.

 

she is either into me or i move on.

Life is way simpler and less aggravating.

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theheartbrokenweaboo

ReformedPUA, thanks for the advice.. and thank you all for the advice. I'm still shaken up about the whole thing but I wanted to add more. From what me and her talked originally, before she came in to the US, she wanted someone she could relate to, someone who she thought was humble and had a good heart, that it wasn't about looks etc. the way she painted her ideal man sounded like me. I'm just confused how she told me she thought muscular men were scary, yet she's gonna be marrying one soon, and even thought he was "beautiful." The funny thing is, despite having a lot in common with her, knowing her culture a lot more, it did nothing to help getting this very beautiful girl. And when my best friend was living with me, most of their dates were mainly each other introducing the other to new things, so it just boggles my mind how she's been having a lot more fun with him than she ever did with me :(

 

So I want to know what my best option is at this point, I found out that they both have me filtered on Facebook where I can't see their posts despite being friends with them; what would you guys recommend?

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ReformedPUA, thanks for the advice.. and thank you all for the advice. I'm still shaken up about the whole thing but I wanted to add more. From what me and her talked originally, before she came in to the US, she wanted someone she could relate to, someone who she thought was humble and had a good heart, that it wasn't about looks etc. the way she painted her ideal man sounded like me. I'm just confused how she told me she thought muscular men were scary, yet she's gonna be marrying one soon, and even thought he was "beautiful." The funny thing is, despite having a lot in common with her, knowing her culture a lot more, it did nothing to help getting this very beautiful girl. And when my best friend was living with me, most of their dates were mainly each other introducing the other to new things, so it just boggles my mind how she's been having a lot more fun with him than she ever did with me :(

 

So I want to know what my best option is at this point, I found out that they both have me filtered on Facebook where I can't see their posts despite being friends with them; what would you guys recommend?

 

 

They both did you a favor..

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You need to distance yourself from them. Unfriend them or at least unfollow them on social media. Do not torture yourself looking at their happy pictures.

 

 

She did tell you one thing & do the exact opposite. Only she knows why.

 

 

For now lick your wounds & find some new friends.

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Look, I don't like this friend of yours for doing this, but in reality, he wasn't an old close friend of yours, so he didn't owe you all that much loyalty. Still, a super nice guy wouldn't have done what he did, so you are well rid of him.

 

But next I have to bring you back to reality. Once she met you, she never felt romantic toward you. She turned down your advances, made excuses, trying not to insult you. It isn't that you never got a chance to win her. It's that she already knew she wasn't interested in you that way, at least by the time she stopped your advances.

 

This was never going to happen for you. I'm sorry. I know you had invested a lot of hope there, but women aren't someone you can win. Once they have met you in person, it really doesn't take long to know if they're interested or not, and she isn't.

 

On the other hand, she was instantly drawn to your roommate. So as you see, she knows what she likes and doesn't drag her feet acting on it.

 

You should not have shamed her like that. Good grief. It is 2017. That type thinking may be the exact thing that is holding you back. Most women would shy away from some guy who was looking for a virgin to put on a pedestal! It's immature. You're young, so I hope you snap out of that and I think you will before long.

 

Your roommate did the right thing moving out. Now you can heal in private without having to see them all the time. Please just accept that she was NEVER right for you. And try to stay busy and just put it behind you and move on. The ideal girl in your head truly does not exist, but if you keep an open mind, one you like just as well may surface someday. You hoped she was someone she wasn't. You were in love with who you hoped she was. But that's not her, and she knew it. Good luck.

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dude, you were living in a dream world

 

Dream #1 - a girl who never met you and got along online would love you IRL

Dream #2 - your BFF won't be attracted to girls you like

Dream #3 - girls don't like athletic guys with good personalities

Dream #4 - hanging out = dating

Dream #5 - avoiding the difficult conversation will make it go away

Dream #6 - your morals are hers

Dream #7 - that you can make your dreams come true by dreaming

 

Get off your @ss next time. Give your girl your best shot. Don't hesitate. Go for it. Fortune belongs to the bold.

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todreaminblue

even if you had a chance with her which i don't believe you did.....she is now engaged to be married there's no chance..really in your case not friendship either...because you have feelings she wont return..you should respect the fact she has chosen.....if you loved her or really cared about her.....you would respect her choices even if you dont agree or they make you sad...be happy for her and wish her the best and then ...really mean it...in that wishing the best for rher.....and get back out there and find your girl in the flesh....dreams only can last so long....eventually you wake up....and realize not all dreams come true...and not all fantasies should become real........in reality theres someone better for you..fidn that woman....who is right for you who loves you back......deb

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...and he told me that he and my dream girl were going to move in together elsewhere and he didn't know how I was going to take it, ... We eventually got into an argument, and I asked him if he proposed to her, which he said yes he did. I asked him how he could do this to me, that I thought we were best friends, and that he knew I really liked her.

She was having sex with him and you end up getting mad because he proposed. He was banging the girl he knew you liked.

 

Well as he was leaving he told me that I needed to respect their decision to be together, that if I kept pursuing this, that I was going to lose two friends.

They are not your friends. They are two people that used you to get together. I don't mean they planed it. But they used you in the end.

 

He told me that there are a lot of other girls out there, that she isn't the only one...

Biggest bull**** ever. When you love someone, that's the only one. I mean, yeah, it's useless to love a girl who doesn't love you. And yes, they have the right to be together. But they don; t have the right to use you and after that ask you to be in good terms with them.

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...she wanted someone she could relate to, someone who she thought was humble and had a good heart, that it wasn't about looks etc. the way she painted her ideal man sounded like me. I'm just confused how she told me she thought muscular men were scary, yet she's gonna be marrying one soon...

In my experience: girls like humble and sensible guys until they step over a guy who's good in bed. Sex is above everything.

 

So I want to know what my best option is at this point, I found out that they both have me filtered on Facebook where I can't see their posts despite being friends with them; what would you guys recommend?

Do you plan keep beating yourself up with this? Do you like seeing them together, kissing, and such?

You don't have the faintest chance of getting her. So what do you want to do?

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"My best friend stole the girl of my dreams, !?"

 

Actually no he didn't steal anything from you!

 

This woman was never your girlfriend, nor was she in any kind of romantic/sexual relationship with you at all.

 

She never belonged to you!

 

So I encourage you to get over it, let go of your inflated sense of self entitlement, move on and grow up.

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She did you a favor and both of them are out of your life.

 

She is now the person that gets the pleasure of smelling his farts and picking up his skidmarked drawers until she gets sick of it and finds somebody else.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

However....

 

LET THIS BE A LESSON TO YOU!!

Never and I mean NEVER spill the beans to some chick that you love her when you are not certain that it is going to be reciprocated. That was just asking for her to rip your heart out and stomp on it in front of you. You expected far too much from her.

 

Don't make that mistake again.

 

And don't worry about your former friend. She'll tire of him when she figures out the closest thing to being an Entrepreneur he is going to be is Telemarketing for one confirming appointments for Get Rich Quick Scams for newly arrived immigrants at the Holiday Inn Airport Hotel Ballroom and suckering them out of their hard earned money. So he will eventually get his comeuppance...lol

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theheartbrokenweaboo

Thanks Space Ritual, that made me laugh

 

I wish that was the case, but the reason why I spilled my guts was I was hoping to get her, to plant an emotion or thought in her head. Not just that, some of the J-Dramas that she watches, or the different anime shows that we had watched together, she always had said (back when she was single) that she would have loved it if a guy fought for her like that, and that she used to picture her prince in shining armor to save her from being with the wrong guy. Oh well, I was stupid enough to listen.

 

I wished though that my ex-best friend was a typical jock, but he's not. One of the things though that I did admire living with him was he was always very clean (except the one semester where he had different ex's, ex-fwbs and one night stand underwear constantly hiding somewhere in his room). I did entertain the thought of her going through hell picking up after him, but he's a pretty organized guy :mad:

 

Either way I did appreciate the laugh, and I am taking everyone's advice. I felt that maybe the only time I did have a shot was when it was purely online. The biggest problem is sites like Japanese Pen Pal, prohibit it being used as a dating/hook up site, so I was always afraid to make a move and possibly losing her way before she got here. I haven't bothered messaging them, but we have some mutual friends and it does hurt seeing them tagged in posts together where she's either watching him workout or she's teaching him how to dance.

 

It's just it feels painful of the idea of not seeing her pics.

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Thanks Space Ritual, that made me laugh

 

I wish that was the case, but the reason why I spilled my guts was I was hoping to get her, to plant an emotion or thought in her head. Not just that, some of the J-Dramas that she watches, or the different anime shows that we had watched together, she always had said (back when she was single) that she would have loved it if a guy fought for her like that, and that she used to picture her prince in shining armor to save her from being with the wrong guy. Oh well, I was stupid enough to listen.

 

I wished though that my ex-best friend was a typical jock, but he's not. One of the things though that I did admire living with him was he was always very clean (except the one semester where he had different ex's, ex-fwbs and one night stand underwear constantly hiding somewhere in his room). I did entertain the thought of her going through hell picking up after him, but he's a pretty organized guy :mad:

 

Either way I did appreciate the laugh, and I am taking everyone's advice. I felt that maybe the only time I did have a shot was when it was purely online. The biggest problem is sites like Japanese Pen Pal, prohibit it being used as a dating/hook up site, so I was always afraid to make a move and possibly losing her way before she got here. I haven't bothered messaging them, but we have some mutual friends and it does hurt seeing them tagged in posts together where she's either watching him workout or she's teaching him how to dance.

 

It's just it feels painful of the idea of not seeing her pics.

 

I think the guys/gals here are being a little to hard on you... You were talking to this girl for 5 years.. You have every right to be hurt and your going to hurt for a while. Your going to feel this pain for a while... but once your done grieving please pick your self back up and learn from the experience.

 

BTW... since your into Jdrama.. please look up "boys on the run" :cool:

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I began to respond to this post, then stopped and read what other people wrote - something I don't do most of the time. I didn't want to give you redundant feedback.

 

Your best friend, and your female friend, have the right to be together.... your female friend, from what I can see based on what you've written about your relationship, didn't appear to lead you to believe she was your girlfriend. You two became great online friends, but you were a friendzoned friend, not a boyfriend. That would have been clear to me after she arrived at your college, and kept you in a friendbox. You were childish confronting her, using her culture as a weapon (sex before marriage) - cowardly and hypocritical since I'm guessing YOU would have slept with her. You're just mad it was your best friend. The truth of the matter, your "best friend" was attracted to the hot asian girl despite what he told you, and she to him. You two were NOT in a relationship, you were just puppy-dogging after her, whining about not getting enough attention. She was not interested in you like that, and doesn't owe you an explanation either, even though you somehow think so. I'll admit, it's a bitter pill to swallow that it was your best friend sweeping her off her feet, I'll give you that. The fact of the matter is if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else. You were never going to have her.

 

A word of advice, start a workout program. It will do alot for you - don't do it to get girls, do it for yourself. It will give you greater confidence, self esteem, help you resist depression, and if you're consistent, after "awhile" you will develop a muscular body. Girls do like that.....

 

Sorry about your loss. Time to learn a lesson here though, and maybe a little personal reform is in order.

Edited by morrowrd
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theheartbrokenweaboo

morrowrd

 

thanks for the feedback. you're right, I shouldn't have shamed her like that. I just was upset at the fact that when we were purely online friends we both agreed that having sex before marriage was a stupid idea because it could lead to problems. All that went out the window when she first laid eyes on him. It's just I was blown away at the fact that she told me what her ideal man was, someone who's nerdy, thin but not muscular, shy, humble etc, and she's getting with the complete opposite: popular, natural bodybuilder/athlete, not shy to the least.. but the only thing I think he does have is maybe humbleness, he's never boastful about his physique..

 

Also, I'm too poor to afford a gym membership, and the only gym I could go to for free is my university gym but they both go there. Its just I'm wondering when being a nice guy would ever pay off.:(

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Your female friend was living in a culture where sex before marriage is frowned on. But she isn't living there anymore, she's here in the free-est country on the planet. And she is probably amazed that a popular muscular American man would be interested in her.... probably didn't even know she was hot. However, now she knows....and doesn't have to settle for a nerdy wimpy guy, no offense.

 

You're talking to a wimpy nerdy guy from yesteryear. I began working out 38 years ago, with nothing but rocks, a 20 lb bar, push ups, sit ups, and some dumbells. Where theres a will, theres a way. Strength comes first, and fast. You will become strong within a couple weeks, but don't stand in the mirror looking for big muscles, all that comes with time, and a good meat diet. At some point, my muscle structure grew, and it was nice being strong. Helped my confidence. My nerdy ways, at 51 I still have alot of them. I have a hot younger girlfriend though, who wouldn't change a thing about me. I have a saying, "it pays to be strong." I took her away from an abusive husband, who I challenged to a man to man "talk" not too long ago when she suspected he was stalking her, sending her angry texts. He apologized, and appears to have resolved that he's never getting her back.

 

heh heh heh

 

This is about you I know, figured I'd give you some personal disclosure because I'm an average joe, and if I can do it ANYONE can.

 

YOU can.

Edited by morrowrd
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I think the guys/gals here are being a little to hard on you... You were talking to this girl for 5 years.

 

He could have talked to her for 20 years, yet that still doesn't mean he has any entitlement to her.

 

At the end of the day, the sooner he appreciates that no woman owes him a romantic/sexual relationship, just because he wants one with her. The sooner he will be better able to deal with the reality of life.

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Roommate isn't a friend of yours. No good friend would steal someone behind your back especially when they know that you're into them.

 

**** sucks, but yeah she wasn't too into you apparently. I would be upset in your situation too if I had a friend rubbing her in my face on a constant basis.

 

Honestly even if the OP doesn't sound the most alpha, I think we need to give him a break. Seeing the girl you fancied walk out of the bedroom of one of your friends (after getting railed) is enough to set anyone off. I don't think she was at fault though, I place more blame on his friend for being a dickwad.

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