Dealing with the breakup

[Bench120]

I was with my ex for 4 years and we were engaged then she went on holiday solo and cheated. I still wanted to work things out and after this i tried to do anytihng I could to make her happy. Then she decided to leave me for the guy who was in a diff country. She left me when she was on another trip abroad in a completely new country. She left all her stuff at our place. this was after quitting her job and saying she just wanted to go travelling. 3 weeks into whatever they had things didn't work out between them and her new guy blocked her.

 

Several months passed and then came back and stayed with her family. She said she wanted to come by. So she came by and we did standard stuff like tv, gym etc but nothing major happened. Then we texted a bit each day and we've just recently met up again to do similar stuff and she takes like 1% of the stuff she has each time. She just wants to be friends. I've been very passive and haven't said anything critical. I've just let her dictate what she wants to happen. She says shes grown as a person and she was saying if she ever got feelings for another person in a relationship now she would just choose to ignore those thoughts and stick with the guy she is with. She's trying to act like she has grown into this whole new person but she hasn't done anything to make up for what happened between us. She has said sorry by text but that's about it. I like talking to her but I feel completely disrespected and unappreciated. She hasn't even talked properly about everything that happened between us. This weekend she's going abroad again for 3 weeks with her family this time.

 

I feel bad not being in contact with her but i feel the same when we stop talking for more than like a day. What do I do? Do I cut her out completely? Is there no circumstance where I can keep her in my life? Do I bring all these issues up or wait for her to talk about them? I really don't want to show her that I'm hurting like this.

[Satu]

snip

I was with my ex for 4 years and we were engaged then *she went on holiday solo and cheated. I still wanted to work things out and after this i tried to do anytihng I could to make her happy.

 

*After you said the above, anything else you say is redundant.

 

She treated you badly, so you "tried to do anything you could to make her happy???"

 

No offence, but thats ridiculous.

 

What about you, and how you feel?

 

You need to reach down deep inside yourself and find your self-respect, because so far you've shown no signs of having any.

 

By "trying to make her happy" after she cheated on you, you effectively set your own value at zero.

 

Don't ever do that again.

 

No contact.

 

 

Take care.

[kel224]

How long has it been since the breakup? I've been going through something similar, so I know how much it sucks.

 

I've started a thread about dealing with the anger, frustration and feeling of betrayals that have had some good advice. I'd say first of all, don't get stuck thinking that you're at fault for anything that happened. If its fresh, you won't understand that yet. But you'll come to know that she's the one that's got problems if she can cheat and blame it on the whole "I've changed" story. That sounds like malarky to me.

 

You have to make a clean cut and stop contacting her. I also was really focused on leaving the door open and trying to make sure I did everything right to increase the chance of her coming back (before I found out about her new "victim" that she replaced me with). But she already knows how you feel. When you contact someone who left you (especially for someone else), this is the effect it has 1) they lose respect for you 2) you set yourself back from growing and each time feel shot down again 3) they get a huge ego boost, which can also give them fuel to pour onto the new person/relationship.

 

Your only goal now is to walk away with your head high. No contact, just time to step away and make peace with what happened. If she has something to say, she'll know how to contact you. But you really don't need anything from her. Just grow as much as you can from this. Lot's of other people going are through this with you right now-good luck.