In need of serious relationship advice

[jmc2ct]

I need serious relationship advice. I have been trying to deal with my situation for quite some time and cannot figure out what to do. I need someone else's opinion that does not know me or my other half. Please take a minute to read this and post your opinion, I would really appreciate it. Just so you know, I am laying my heart and feelings all out in this message! Thanks in advance.

 

I must say I am not the perfect person in this relationship, I started seeing someone else.. not really seeing.. but he would buy me whatever I wanted when I wanted it, took me shopping and bought me a car. We never had sex or even kissed. He just wanted companionship and this is the complete truth. I decided that it was time to let my boyfriend of 3 years go. We both have children from previous relationships and had been living together for going on 2 years.

 

The last year had been sour, he wasn't as helpful with the children, bills and other things. So I began to resent him, this is why I started seeing someone else. So back in April 2016, he decided to move out. It was a big dirty fight.. throwing stuff.. he took all of the things in my house that I loved. A week passed and I called him to apologize for what I had done. He came over to my house, we "made up". Three days later he tells me that the night he moved out he went and had sex with him daughter's mother and it was possible she was pregnant. I was very upset because he has sex with me and did not tell me anything.

 

I was concerned about std's, luckily I did not have any after I got checked. Well she played games with him for 2 weeks and come to find out she said she had a miscarriage which I am still not sure if that is true or not. So.. I tried to make things work with him. The first month was rough.. 2 weeks ago he moved back in. I am lost and confused. To be honest, when we have sex all I can think about is the fact that his dick has been in her again. I cannot be passionate with him.

 

I love him and our children act like sisters and love each other. I love his family, but I cannot stand his child's mother. I feel she this to hurt me and I know it is his fault as well because he is the one who initiated it. At times I just want to go and have sex someone else because I need something new. But, I cannot see my life without him. What should I do? I am very lost? Please help me figure this out.

Edited June 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Satu]

<snip> So I began to resent him, *this is why I started seeing someone else. So back in April 2016, he decided to move out. It was a big dirty fight.. throwing stuff.. he took all of the things in my house that I loved. A week passed and I called him to apologize for what I had done. He came over to my house, we "made up". Three days later he tells me that the night he moved out he went and had sex with him daughter's mother and it was possible she was pregnant. I was very upset because he has sex with me and did not tell me anything. <snip>

 

*No, that isn't why you did it.

 

You did it because you wanted to.

 

Take responsibility for your own actions.

 

Until you both accept that responsibility, no progress can be made.

 

 

Take care.

Edited June 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote back to relevant content

[gaig]

but he would buy me whatever I wanted when I wanted it, took me shopping and bought me a car.

 

Let him go.. You never loved each other.

Edited June 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote reference from thread merge

[keiji]

Sorry, but that relationship reeks of failure however you look at it. It's already rotten to the bone. First of all, you make him responsible for your seeing someone else. It was you who decided to do it regardless of the state of your "official" relationship. "I cheated because he did this and that" is simply not fair. Secondly, you saw someone because he bought you things? I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you should re-evaluate your moral code. That guy should also stop and think whether he feels it's normal to buy "love" or companionship from someone, particularly when that someone is in a relationship.

 

I'm not going to justify your partner, but I understand that after discovering all this he jumped on someone else's arms out of spite.

 

In my opinion, trust is broken and, therefore, the relationship is broken as well. Sounds like it's been for quite a while.

[WhatsWhat]

Gaig, why the quote? If that quote is what your comment is referring to, then you need to reread the post. That line is in reference to another guy, not her boyfriend.

OP, I think there are a lot of issues there that are clouding your whole relationship. It seems very complicated and loaded with mixed and unsure feelings on both parties.

You both need to clean things up before you can start anything again.

Just my opinion.

[Tressugar]

If you're going to forgive him then you need to let the past go and be fully in the relationship. If not, then you need to make a firm decision to leave. Don't waffle or sit on the fence.

 

Let him know it bothers you and also be honest in disclosing your side piece as well. Both of you guys need an open forum to talk honestly and decide the fate your relationship.

 

GL

[smackie9]

This is something for a professional therapist to handle. When you harbor feelings of resentment you can't move forward with rebuilding a relationship. Go seek out couples counseling. This is something you should have done over a year ago. Dating someone on the side is never a solution. All you are doing is escaping from actually resolving any issues....it just doesn't go away. Good honest communication is what is missing from this relationship. Counseling will teach the both of you how to communicate with each other. It will be a win win.

[Rebear]

What you didn't wasnt acceptable but moving on... If the relationship was sour for a year before why would you want to resume this? Surely that was a sign it wouldn't work?

 

Also after one big fight he's ran to his ex and slept with her. That doesn't sound like a man devastated to have lost you. You're worth more than that don't you think?

[jmc2ct]

Him and I have a blended family... we have brought our children in and have made each other part of our lives. He has accepted his responsibilities. And has been helping me more... A lot more. I just cannot get over these things and do not know how. Part of me wants to say fk this and move on... and try to better myself. The other half wants to make this work. Because I don't want to leave him because I really do love him. But I do not know how to get over these things that have happened. And I am afraid they will happen again. Both up on my part and his.

[gaig]

Gaig, why the quote? If that quote is what your comment is referring to, then you need to reread the post. That line is in reference to another guy, not her boyfriend.

 

I am referring to the "loving" criteria.. This guy, the next one, the previous, it doesn't really matter.. I feel sorry to hear that

[smackie9]

Him and I have a blended family... we have brought our children in and have made each other part of our lives. He has accepted his responsibilities. And has been helping me more... A lot more. I just cannot get over these things and do not know how. Part of me wants to say fk this and move on... and try to better myself. The other half wants to make this work. Because I don't want to leave him because I really do love him. But I do not know how to get over these things that have happened. And I am afraid they will happen again. Both up on my part and his.

You can have both, a happy healthy relationship and a fulfilling life...just get some help (counseling) that will give you guidance to achieve what you want. It takes two to repair and rebuild a relationship...it takes accountability and responsibility. It's up to YOU to make that first step.

[longjohn]

I started seeing someone else..

 

That's all I had to read, you've obviously moved on. Best to cut ties and press onward.

[jmc2ct]

I could of loved him forever, I could of married him.

I could of gave him ever inch of my heart. I could of shared my thoughts and give him the password to my brain. I could of gave him my last breath and he could of been the last and only man to ever touch my skin again The last to lick my lips and hips.

 

He took the time to break down the walls that I had built up from previous abusive relationships. Only to help me lay brick by brick back into the highest wall I have ever built.

 

Each brick has been laid from small incidents, slowly working their way up. When we separated, the wall only grew and when he told me we had been with someone else the same night we has went our ways... the bricks laid themselves 2x higher then before.

 

I thought I had loved before but not like this. This time, I began to be lost with no emotion.. to be numb is worse then hurt. At least when you are hurt, you know how to feel. This time, not a single fk was given.

 

I have tried to repair my heart to once again join this man in love... to feel that he has my heart in his hands and can squeeze at any time with sudden force.

 

I cannot allow my life to shatter once again. So I shall stay in an emotionless relationship that I cannot get out of. I am truly lost in my own life. God bless.

[bummer]

Hi. Come over to the coping forum!

 

Grieve at your own pace. Exercise your anger when ready, feel sad if that's what you feel. Feel the feels as they come. Don't block, don't go numb. Just feel it and allow it and process it at your speed. Don't stay numb, don't stay in an emotionless relationship. Don't let the past abuse and current hurt build imaginary Walls inside you.

 

Easier said than done? You bet. But take a small step today or soon. Express your anger. Pour your rage out at him below. Don't wallow and say how you'd do all these things for him. He doesn't care. Not anymore. He's gone. You're here.

 

What did he do wrong? How was he selfish? Get mad he jumped right to another girl. Tell him (here, not irl) how he hurt you. Tell him here you don't need that anymore. You don't love him and he's gone.

[jmc2ct]

There are so many stages of grief. I am at the state where I need to accept my fate in this relationship. But I am in denial of the truth. I know that this relationship has became the way it is now due to some of the things that I have done. But I cannot forgive my partner for the things that he has done to me. I feel that once I have been hurt by someone that I truly have loved, then there is no changing it. You can only stab me in the back once and I will pull the knife out myself but I will not allow you to stab me again. This relationship has fell apart in so many ways, when once it was the best I have ever had. I had been deeply in love for such a long time, everything was amazing. Till I realized I was fking blind.

 

Is it wrong to still hold on to this relationship even though it is not going anywhere? I need human touch and I need some sort of Imitation of Love. I cannot forgive him. Why am I holding on? Why can I not let go? This used to be the greatest love of my life and has turned sour. I have tried to sugarcoat this only to find myself deeply depressed. I don't know what to do.

[Satu]

One should never give up hope, but sometimes we have to change what we hope for.

 

I think that for you, this is one of those times.

 

 

Take care.

[Breakupblues]

There are so many stages of grief. I am at the state where I need to accept my fate in this relationship. But I am in denial of the truth. I know that this relationship has became the way it is now due to some of the things that I have done. But I cannot forgive my partner for the things that he has done to me. I feel that once I have been hurt by someone that I truly have loved, then there is no changing it. You can only stab me in the back once and I will pull the knife out myself but I will not allow you to stab me again. This relationship has fell apart in so many ways, when once it was the best I have ever had. I had been deeply in love for such a long time, everything was amazing. Till I realized I was fking blind.

 

Is it wrong to still hold on to this relationship even though it is not going anywhere? I need human touch and I need some sort of Imitation of Love. I cannot forgive him. Why am I holding on? Why can I not let go? This used to be the greatest love of my life and has turned sour. I have tried to sugarcoat this only to find myself deeply depressed. I don't know what to do.

 

You say he has stabbed you in the back. Can you elaborate a bit more about what happened? In what ways has he hurt you? And why do you feel you were a contributing factor in the end of the relationship?

[jmc2ct]

He lefted me and slept with someone else. Now we are back together and things are not the same. He is mad about my friendships with other guys...he doesn't like my girlfriends much less my guy friends. So I went back and have a few friends, which sucks

[Wheremyheartis]

First of all, your cheating is one hundred percent your fault. As soon as you take full responsibility for sleeping with someone else the better. As for him sleeping with his daughter's mother, that is one hundred percent on him and no one else.

 

As for the problems in your relationship, that is 50% your fault and 50% his.

[Breakupblues]

He lefted me and slept with someone else. Now we are back together and things are not the same. He is mad about my friendships with other guys...he doesn't like my girlfriends much less my guy friends. So I went back and have a few friends, which sucks

 

Hey JMC, I am sorry but I did not see your first page. I agree with others that you cheating is entirely your own choice and responsibility. It does seem that you know pretty well why you did what you did and what you were looking for outside of the relationship. Do you think your SO can ever give you that? Not on what YOU think he can be, but based on what he personally is capable of? If not, then I think it may be best that you both move on, or at least take a substantial break from each other.

 

Sometimes, we want things that aren't meant to be. Instead of trying to contort our own emotions and thoughts into creating situations and realities that aren't there, it may be best to try to find that what we are looking for somewhere else.

 

I understand completely how its difficult getting over the image of your SO sleeping with somebody else. I personally am the same way. I don't think there's enough here to completely abandon him out of your life given that he doesn't seem like an inherently evil person, but working on a future together, seems like a frustrating path to put yourself on.

Edited June 14, 2016 by Breakupblues