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Infidelity vs. Rape.


TrustedthenBusted

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TrustedthenBusted

So I was discussing this Stanford rape case with my mother, and searched through my email on the word "rape" to find the conversation string.

 

What I also found was a journal entry I made from 2009. I have no recollection of writing it, and don't know if I agree with it anymore today. But I thought I'd post if here for any of you still reeling in the first months after D-Day.

 

I will tell you this.... I am NOWHERE NEAR the place today, that I was when I wrote this. So if this is how you feel now, please know that years later, those feelings can be a vague and distant memory.

 

Also, I mean no disrespect to victims of rape. Today I would never compare what I went through as a BS to what you may have gone through. But at the time I was very upset and able to draw some parallels. For whatever reason, writing this down helped me at the time, so maybe it will help someone else too.

 

 

 

May 2. 2009

 

You know, I actually think I was raped. In fact, I think cheaters should all be convicted of rape. Here....let me Dave Letterman this whole thing.

 

 

Top 10 Reasons Being Cheated on Is Like Being Raped.

 

1. It's physically devastating. You are shocked it happened, and physically sick over it. You don't eat for weeks, don't sleep, can't concentrate, don't trust anyone, and become a ghost of your former self. Your confidence is stolen, and something very valuable to you was purposefully, maliciously ( and irrevocably ) ripped away from you by someone else.

 

2. You don't trust ANY women anymore. When you look at other wives, you only see cheaters that just haven't been caught yet. Same way rape victims don't trust men anymore. Sex becomes far less enjoyable because you constantly think about the rape.

 

3. Like in a gang rape, while you were being cheated on, other people just stood around and laughed at you. They had no regard for you, your life, your safety, nothing. You were a nobody to them. And the rapist, while he was raping you was having ball and was happy he was doing this to you. It was about his satisfaction only, and your whole life didn't mean squat. Nobody helped you, or told the rapist to stop.

 

4. You walk around afraid that you will be raped again. You practically expect it, so you don't invest heavily in yourself or anyone else. You know the next time you don't want it to hurt, so you'll just give up yourself, and walk away less harmed. This is like prison rape. The first one probably hurts like hell and is awful, but you sort of expect the next ones, and won't be as traumatized. You can't get hurt if you don't care, so you don't care.

 

 

5. The rapist only apologizes when they get caught. They never apologize right away. They deny it, and bull**** you, and hire attorneys to prove their innocence. Some even blame you! Only once they get convicted, or spend some time in jail do they ever apologize for their crime. Only when they have to PAY A PRICE for their crime do they feel any remorse. Until then, they can't/won't empathize with you. Worse, the other people involved in the gang rape, the ones who knew and said nothing, usually get off scott free.

 

6. People who rape once, usually rape again and again. It gets easier for them each time. They just work harder at not getting caught. Everyone knows this universal truth, but we still tell ourselves that THIS rapist has been rehabilitated and won't do it again. But they always do. Because their needs trump anyone else's.

 

7. You have horrible flashbacks of the rape. These can come out of nowhere, and take you right back to the time and place of the attack. But the more you want to talk about it, the more people get sick of hearing your story over and over. Especially the rapist. So you suffer in silence, and don't tell anyone how you feel. And you will never admit to anyone that you were raped.

 

8. You develop incredible empathy for other rape victims and feel like you want to write a friggen book about how to avoid being raped and share it with the world. You wish you could stop ALL raping in the world, and you wouldn't even want your worst enemy to be raped because of how awful it is. You'd go on Oprah tomorrow if she called.

 

9. Like Date rape, or domestic rape, or incest, you sometimes have to live with the rapist, and see them everyday. You have to think about the anniversary of the attack and suffer through it. You have to forgive the unforgivable, and work HARDER than your rapist to live with any normalcy. You have to fight back with kindness like Ghandi, even when you are still having nightmares and flashbacks and fits of depression.

 

10. Sometimes, you may even feel an overwhelming urge to rape someone yourself. Anyone. To fight fire with fire. To level the playing field. To be in control instead of being manipulated. You want a do-over where this time YOU win and all the people in the gang rape get screwed over. You have hate in your heart, and don't care how bad life gets as a result. You are hardened, and feel totally justified in getting some payback.

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RecentChange

I have been cheated on and I do not relate with a single item on your list.

 

I guess perhaps there is cheating, and then there is CHEATING, but what I went through as a BS is nothing like you describe here.

 

PS. Have you read the Stanford rape victim's statement?

 

I have never been a victim of a sexual assault, and I feel like I never "got it" - she really did an amazing job describing the experience.

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ladydesigner

I have experienced both and the effects are very similar for me. I still have PTSD from my childhood sexual abuse and from when I was raped by 2 friends in high school.

 

I have explained it similarly to my WH. That it feels like I have to try and live with and forgive my abuser. When I think of the most abusive things that have happened to me in my lifetime, my WH's infidelity definitely makes the list. It's more his lack of remorse and empathy that has had a long lasting impact on me.

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minimariah

i will be COMPLETELY honest here - comparing cheating to rape & murders, paedophilia and similar; does not sit well with me... to put it mildly. at all.

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i will be COMPLETELY honest here - comparing cheating to rape & murders, paedophilia and similar; does not sit well with me... to put it mildly. at all.

 

I mean no disrespect. Why are comparing the results of both acts and the effects on the victim or victims that offensive.

 

Do you feel that infidelity is less than the other things you listed as in the damage to the victim are less as well ?

 

I am just wondering why people are so opposed to really analyzing these things?

 

C

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ladydesigner
i will be COMPLETELY honest here - comparing cheating to rape & murders, paedophilia and similar; does not sit well with me... to put it mildly. at all.

 

I agree usually pain shouldn't be compared. For myself the effects have been pretty brutal. I don't have a problem comparing for myself because to me they feel similar. Maybe to someone else not so much.

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RecentChange

I find it offensive to compare betrayed trust (cheating) to being physically sexually assaulted.

 

They are not the same in my opinion. I understand some people have been very damaged by their spouse's cheating.

 

But to call it rape? To compare it to a physical attack?

 

I don't think for a moment I would recover as quickly from rape as I have from cheating.

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minimariah
Do you feel that infidelity is less than the other things you listed as in the damage to the victim are less as well ?

 

absolutely. i mean, there is a reason rape & sexual abuse & murder are all illegal - but cheating isn't. i'd rather be cheated on every day for the rest of my life than sexually abused OR raped ONCE. i feel strongly about this; and i'm not - in any way - minimizing the pain caused by infidelity but comparing it to rape...? i think that's ridiculous. i'm sure folks will get offended but... just my opinion.

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I have been cheated on three times.

 

I have been raped three times.

 

The two do not compare at all...

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Although I have no personal experience w/ rape I can relate to many of the points you made, TrustedthenBusted.

 

My experience w/ infidelity was w/ a women who, several people of LS pointed out to me, may have been a psychopath. When the relationship ended I felt as tho I had been stalked and tortured by a serial killer and had barely escaped w/ my life.

 

For me to feel that way was because she had went about her infidelities in ways intended to be the most hurtful to me personally, it had little to do w/ the act of sex itself.

 

So, in that regard, I think it was a lot like rape in the ways you listed.

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ladydesigner

I often wonder if my past abuse magnifies the infidelity. I think comparing any of them is like comparing apples to oranges. Someone who lost a child may feel that is worse than being raped. Or vice versa.

 

I'm not sure how bad infidelity would have felt if i had not experienced the childhood abuse. I'm not sure it's even related. I have had YEARS of therapy and am still struggling with the damn infidelity.

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I want to clarify my last post.

 

I'm not comparing my experience w/ infidelity to that of rape, but the way it affected me was similar to what I've heard described by rape survivors.

 

I agree that the act of rape itself is much, much worse.

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goldsoundz

I know that you mean well but honestly this is offensive and there is no need to draw parallels between the two situations.

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ShatteredLady

The OPs opening lines make it clear that this ISN'T another "calling WS's murders, rapists etc" post. It's about feeling the pain listed as a victim of adultery. It's not saying that the WS commits rape. It's the agony of the BS.

 

Comparing rape honestly creates that gut reaction in me. Rape is a horrific crime. Remove the word rape & read the raw emotion.

 

I truly appreciate the intent of this thread. I cried reading the old post. I feel so many of them (NOT RAPE) the PTSD, the loss of faith, trust, innocence. To know that someone felt this way (MY WAY) & now says it's faded is WONDERFUL! Thank you!!

 

There seem to be a lot of bs pain posts recently which dissolve into people posting dictionary definitions & having pedantic fights OR the bs has to look at all the ways that they're complicit in their partners infidelity.

 

Like LadyD I question if my reactions & recovery would be faster if it wasn't for everything else that has happened & it happening in my life.

 

I know!! Oh no she's not going to tell her story AGAIN! Shut-up & get over it or file for divorce! I know! :sick:

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Moxie Lady

I too know you mean well but as someone who has been thru both I have to say:

 

Being cheated on is painful and humiliating

 

Being raped is terrifying in a way that cant be understood by someone who hasn't experienced it.

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ShatteredLady

There have been a couple of very recent threads about "should a MM who lies, says he's single, has sex, full affair, be tried for rape?", "WS being called monsters, rape, child molestation...". This isn't saying that!

 

The OP found that old post. DIDN'T say that RAPE was an appropriate word. It's about RECOVERY. it's about a BS's PAIN.

 

It's not about comparing rape too infidelity. That's obviously wrong.

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I think the OP used the word 'rape' to express the magnitude of her pain.

 

It makes sense to her, and serves a purpose for her.

 

I'm OK with that, even though the original premise doesn't hold water.

Edited by Satu
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RecentChange

I know it's about pain, and broken trust.

 

But infidelity doesnt make you scared to walk down the street at night, or to sleep alone. It doesn't make you fearful for your basic safety.

 

And I am going to go out on a limb and say that many who have been so terribly damaged by infidelity - have been damaged by ABUSE.

 

I have read some accounts on here about WS who say and do horrible things to the BS post discovery.

 

Being in an abusive relationship causes pain, suffering, and much mental damage.

 

I guess that is what I meant when I said that there was cheating and then there is CHEATING.

 

My WS did not abuse me. He showed remorse and love, and we reconciled. And yes, I am a cheater too! And while my spouse has suffered for it, I really do not think he would agree with this list either, as I have shown true remorse and have made measurable efforts to help him heal.

 

But if you are in a relationship that involves infidelity, verbal abuse, and all sorts of mistreatment - well, then I can understand identifying with this list.

 

I think a BATTERED spouse may identify with this list as well.

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minimariah

It's not about comparing rape too infidelity.

 

but it is - the OP clearly states that he DID, in fact, compare rape & infidelity and drew some paralells. now... i'm not saying anything against the OP; i think it was a part of his coping mechanism and he stated he doesn't agree with it today... but in general... to even put infidelity & rape in the same sentence is ridiculous - doesn't really matter if you're talking about the ACT or healing, coping, the pain... whatever.

 

and again - this is nothing against the OP; i love his posts. but even he recognizes how off he was during this time; it's just not comparable. at all.

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I mistakenly thought the OP was a she, but the OP is a he.

 

It makes no difference, I suppose.

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i don't think they have any kind of comparison! A girl being held down, while a man pushes inside her (or many men) is completely different then him screwing someone else. I actually think that's almost offensive to compare. People go to prison for rape...A suck but no where near on the same level. Also not to mention how many women try & work out a relationship with their rapists? How can something be "just as bad" if you even think about working on it?

 

I think sometimes there are some unsettled mental issues that a BS had before they found out about an A to compare certain things to an affair. I know you can't compare pain but I personally think sometimes it goes a little far. Yes cheating sucks but it doesn't kill you, you have the option to leave, you have the option to go to therapy, once found out the power is now in the BS's court, a lot of other victims of crimes & diseases don't have those options.

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minimariah
I often wonder if my past abuse magnifies the infidelity.

 

i thought about this a lot & i think it does. i think abuse magnifies EVERTYHING. it depends on the situation, for sure - there is always something worse and there is always someone in a worse situation. but i think that, in general, people get over being dumped or cheated on faster & easier than being abused or raped (IF you ever get over that, anyway). there are always levels, even with infidelity - you'll probably get over your WS cheating you with a random person faster than your WS running off with your best friend or a sibling.

 

it's also not the same when you divorce and don't have any contact with the WS ever again and need to coparent with the WS who is not - in ANY way - remorseful. it creates enormous drama & traumatizes the BS; i once met this woman who had to coparent her children with the WS who had his happily evee after with her TWIN SISTER! BOTH of them were super unapologetic & were even rude to the BS and she was shocked beyond words. 10 years later and she showed no sings of significant progress, emotionally wise. so i understand how deep the trauma can be but... again - rape & abuse are in the category of their own.

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I can't even. Think. I haven't yet dealt with my assault. I know that.

A couple days ago I saw my rapists business was listed as someone i should know or friend on Facebook. No mutual friends, he lives a couple states away. Which means he stalked me. I can't even think.

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ShatteredLady

deleted rant. I'm very sorry

Edited by ShatteredLady
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minimariah

don't be, SL - rant if you need to. this can be an interesting discussion.

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