Amicable divorce, but why does it hurt so bad

[suddenlysingle33]

I met my husband about 6 years ago, married for 1 1/2 years. We have from about 1 year in had trust issues. I'd find him chatting online with women, but I always let it go because it wasn't in person. But he was the funniest, most supportive person, who always had my back in life, jobs, friendships, everything.

 

We moved for his job, and from the start it was a bad situation. He has a horribly long commute, his colleges treated him poorly because he a high paid gov't agent(on a base where young hot headed army guys were "in charge") and he spiraled into a depression. Even tho we were getting married, he started "coping" by retreating and finding things that meant nothing and temporarily made him happy. Whether it was alcohol, talking online, or even girls in person...which I later found out.

 

As sorrowful as he was for cheating one me(the one time is all i knew of), I forgave him. One, because I loved him, two, because i knew a month before the wedding, if a cancelled, i'd be mortified. So I never forgot, but we moved on.

I continued to find small things online, but no cheating, which in turn morphed me into a resentful, hateful person, and certainly not a wife that he felt he could talk to. As his work situation declined, so did our home life.

 

Fast forward to a year 1/2 later, he scored an amazing job across country. I was nervous to move, but once we got there, were settled in a new home, it seemed as if our life together was on the up and up. We laughed more, didn't fight as much, all around was improving.

Because of our past, I would look at his computer from time to time, usually finding nothing(all the while he knew). Then, I stumbled upon an email address that after a google search led me to finding an instagram page with his fake profile and a girl. I struck up a convo with her, and low and behold...while we were in that previous home, he had a short affair with her. Went on a few dates and all, ending in...well you know.

 

But once again, in a way I felt stranded in a new state with nobody but him...so I let it go. Not without consequence, but nothing he(and we) couldn't handle. I fair warned him...if it ever happens again, I will leave you.

 

And that brings us to now. It happened again. Not in the new state, but through looking at our high minutes on a phone bill one day(not snooping i might add) i stumbled upon a number with a long phone call. abnormally long. I googled, i found a girl...and the call was while he was out of town...where this number was from. Long story short, i talked to the woman, who was mortified. About a year before(during his depression) they dated a little, led to....you know, and then eventually lost touch. He had reached out to her when he was in town on business, but that time she said it seemed very platonic(so she said, almost as if to officially end it).

 

Basically, during his time of depression and horrible job, instead of coming to me(because I was less than receptive) or saying "i don't know how to cope, I need help." he reached out to anything he could that would make him happy, girls being the #1 thing. 3 times. 3 times it happened. So I said I want a divorce. He didn't beg, only asked me to stay, he cried, and he did say "we were getting so close...we were falling in love again here. I've been in therapy, and that all happened in the past...we were so close."

 

So it all began, the talks about what to do, how to do it, how to split things etc. He knows what he did, and he agreed to do whatever would make it easier on me. We are filing jointly, not going to court over assets, and essentially going our separate ways. Meanwhile, i'm still in the house and in town, because moving takes time. I have to line up a job(luckily a past employer wanted me back bad), i have to put in my notice here, work out money, submit the divorce papers etc. And there we sit, in the same house together. I have nowhere to go that wouldn't cost a ton, and luckily he is being very helpful and remorseful. I've made my decision, i'm sticking to it. BUT WHY does is hurt so bad. Its not just the hurt of what he did, its the loss of our relationship. It wasn't all bad, in fact it was mainly good. Yes that time in another state was a dark time for us both, but we had so many good things to look back on as a whole. And him being nice made it worse...why couldn't he just be mean so it would make my decision easier. I cannot get this gripping pain to go away. I know its right, and i'm sure i'll regret it. But in the end, i'll realize it was the best choice.

 

How do I cope, how do I lose a best friend, regardless of the initial pain of the cheating. I am so lost. I have a great support system, to where i'm moving home to, but all I have here is him. I wake up crying every day, I hurt to see him cry, and i feel for us both. Yes i'm angry at him, but as someone i love, it breaks my heart that we can't work it out. I will only remain in the house another 2 weeks before I move. not staying there is not an option. I need tips, ideas etc....

[Sabella]

I am so sorry you are hurting and it's completely understandable.

 

You are mourning a loss. It doesn't matter if your marriage was full of bliss all the time our full of trouble, it's a loss and it is sad. Allow yourself these feelings and rely on your friends And family. It will be a process. The only way to get past it is to move through it. If you bottle it all up, it will just make the pain last linger I think.