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7 damn years,not much progress. Think its time for a Dr. Breakup/Depression


DudeMan27

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It has now been 7 years, Seven, since my last actualrelationship ended, and suddenly, after a few years of doing rather well, I’vebeen getting those awful feelings again of anxiety, of constant thoughts of thelife I lost, of sleeplessness, and missing this person so much it’s actually hurting. I’ve known over the years I really needed to seek some help, my self confidence has never been that high to begin with. I’m a bit awkward socially unless I’m with close friends. It was that low self esteem and no confidence that eventually tore that relationship apart. But I think now its finally time to seek something for anxiety anddepression. I don’t have the strength to go thru this again.

 

 

While I wont deny I don’t think I ever stopped thinking of her and missing her, for a long period I was doing well. Finally landed a good paying job, I’m proud to have. Its very independent work with a great boss, so that works well with my self doubt issues, I don’t have to engage with people very often. Something triggered something within the last month plus. Started waking up with that depression in the middle of the night, my hour commute was spent often thinking about my relationship with her, etc. All that stuff that brought me back to the nightmare year 7years ago.

 

 

Things came to a head this week. My 34 birthday was this week. (So compounding the problem, I’m now 34 with really no life, and last serious relationship being almost a decade ago.) All she did was a routine“Happy Birthday” on facebook. (Ive had her muted, so I wouldn’t see her postsor pics, I know I know, should have just unfriended) We’ve exchanged FB birthday messages before. Not every year, but usually she’s the one that does it. I did not for her bday this past February. Just seeing her name made my heart sinkand stomach ache. I haven’t been right since. I don’t know. I immediately started analyzing everything.That was the first contact we’ve had in two years. I was in a friends wedding. She begin liking a bunch of wedding pics I was in. Then liked a couple facebook check ins at restuarants I posted. Her happy birthday was more than just the routine post everyone makes. She liked a random photo of my friend and I at a game. It made me feel good but I didn’t think much of it, and prob for good reason. Tho, now I’m tearing myself a part thinking maybe THAT’S when I should have reached out. I knew she was single at the time as a month earlier I sawher on a dating site. I know I prob read way too much into those likes and messages, but it was just so unusual from the years before that. Now I’m pretty sure she has someone. I can’t image she doesn’t. She’s not me. She has a thousand friends, super outgoing, travels the world. I’ve spent seven years not going ona single date, being a homebody nearly every weekend, and just plain not having a life.

 

 

Back to my main point tho, I’ve always been worried aboutseeking help, thinking I could right the ship myself, or if I meet someone along the way, I’d get out of the funk. But its been almost a decade and it hasn’t happened, so why should I think it would now? I’ve tried to just deal with the depression and just be me, rather than take medication that just puts me in a fog. I just don’t know the right way to go, I just know I have to do something.I can’t go thru this again. In the time we broke up I’ve seen friends meet someone, date, get married, and have children. I haven’t moved a muscle in my life. Back then I was still in the ‘jus twant to drink with my buddies and watch sports phase.’ And as time passes I see that phase doesn’t last. I see all my friends married, with happy families and I’m starting to find myself wanting that more than anything. My family is small and getting older. Just had an aunt pass recently. My uncle I used to drink with and play golf is getting older and sick, so that doesn’t happen any longer. My Christmas’ and Thanksgivings are basically spent alone. Small dinner with about 5 family members then its back home. That doesn’t help me forge tabout the life I had dating her. Its stuff like that that has added up over the years and its starting to look proven what I thought when we broke up, that I REALLY REALLY blew something great. I had a feeling this would sting for along, long time. Just didn’t think this far into it I’d still be damaged by it.

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Dude man,

 

Sorry to read of so much continued pain. I hope you have a close friend who knows this journey?

 

For the obvious, you should get more strict with no contact and either disable your fb account for awhile or unfriend her. That's the only way forward. You know it.

 

I too had and have a stigma against professional mental help. I helped find a new therapist for my now ex and saw the benefit. Listen to the first podcast episode of invisibilia for npr (from the usa) which deals with depression and for me decluttrred my understanding of what therapy can do. Either way, pay the $100 or more per week to find some useful tools to help you. Just Google search therapists and read their bios. Leave messages and when they call back try to feel if some have a voice or way of speaking you prefer and start there.

 

Don't discount your last seven years. You can do this.

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toastytiger

Sorry to hear you have been going through all this.

 

Sounds like the underlying issues are much more than just the break up that happened 7 years ago. Though it doesn't help to get re-triggered through FB nonsense. Might be helpful to delete/block her for now -- For your own sake.

 

Depression/anxiety can be caused my multiple things. For me, nutrition played a big role. Once I gave up dairy, sugar, and refined wheat & started taking the right supplements (for me it was zinc, and B vitamins) I noticed a huge difference! I should also say that I put in work in other areas of my life, I did my "inner work" so to speak.

 

So that's one thing. Everyone is different. But it may be worth going to see a Naturopathic doctor. Could change your life.

 

As far as therapy goes. There can be a social stigma on it and it can have a bad rep. But I am all for it and think it's very normal. It's like getting a massage, or going on a hike -- just a regular thing you do as an upkeep of your general well-being. Many people see a therapist even when they're not currently in a crisis -- preventative medicine. And when you are in a crisis/tough situation, a highly skilled therapist can be very helpful.

 

Finding the right therapist is key. And they vary a LOT. You have to find the right fit, the right approach/method/philosophy, for you. Like any relationship, some people work better together than others (as you may know;)) Many therapists will offer a free consultation to see if it's a right fit (and if they don't, move on to someone else) Then feel it out, your gut will tell you if this is someone you trust or not.

 

You sound like you are a capable person, aware of where you're at, and wanting to move through this and grow.

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Maybe this'll lighten your mood ....did you mean to say "Dr. Breakup?" I can't quite wrap my head around that contextually but it sounds strangely compelling in some way nonetheless. ;)

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Thanks everyone for taking the time. And Jenn, yes that did make me laugh a bit. I actually originally put "seek some help" but "help" seems to be a banned word in thread titles???

 

 

Anyone, made the first leap today. Searched for some local therapists, sent an email and spoke with her today to set up an appointment for Wednesday. She apparently has a process to identify (well that should be easy) the source of the anxiety and depression and puts you on a process toward getting better. I guess that's the CBT people speak of. Tho I'm not the best at expressing myself to people I know, its going to really be a struggle to do it to a stranger. Gotta take that step tho I guess. Can't go on with this any longer.

 

 

Had one of those dreaded dreams we've all had last night. First time in ages I"ve dreamt about her. So real. It was basically reliving conversations weve had, sweet things she's said to me. I woke up feeling like hell.

 

 

Just spent all morning trying to fight off thoughts of where I'd be now had I not tossed away this girl that wanted nothing more than to make our relationship work. Couldve spent the last 7 years of wonderful trips, happy holidays, possibly married and starting an amazing life. Instead, I've had nothing close to that. I mean it just feels like I've wasted all those years.

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Nice work already making an appointment! As said before, if you find this therapist isn't perfect try another before you give up on professional help entirely. You're making a great healthy step.

 

I'm a few weeks out of my breakup and wake up every morning with bad nightmares of her. It's never the happy times we were together either. Just work through the feelings at your own pace.

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JuanDelToro
Thanks everyone for taking the time. And Jenn, yes that did make me laugh a bit. I actually originally put "seek some help" but "help" seems to be a banned word in thread titles???

 

 

Anyone, made the first leap today. Searched for some local therapists, sent an email and spoke with her today to set up an appointment for Wednesday. She apparently has a process to identify (well that should be easy) the source of the anxiety and depression and puts you on a process toward getting better. I guess that's the CBT people speak of. Tho I'm not the best at expressing myself to people I know, its going to really be a struggle to do it to a stranger. Gotta take that step tho I guess. Can't go on with this any longer.

 

 

Had one of those dreaded dreams we've all had last night. First time in ages I"ve dreamt about her. So real. It was basically reliving conversations weve had, sweet things she's said to me. I woke up feeling like hell.

 

 

Just spent all morning trying to fight off thoughts of where I'd be now had I not tossed away this girl that wanted nothing more than to make our relationship work. Couldve spent the last 7 years of wonderful trips, happy holidays, possibly married and starting an amazing life. Instead, I've had nothing close to that. I mean it just feels like I've wasted all those years.

 

It will help you to know and understand that people who are struggling with expressing their inner thoughts and feelings with others, even with close friends and family members, they do it out of fear for judgement/critisism.

 

A therapist is not there to judge you, he/she are there to listen with no judgement no criticism, understand your problem and help you.

 

When you step into their space, you step into a sacred place where anything you say stays within that space. It's a space of trust and understanding. You and your therapist will be fighting for the same goal, which is to fix the problem.

He/she is your teammate.

 

I see no problem with you expressing yourself here, anonymity serves as a protective shield in this instance and thus is liberating you from fears. Use this when you interact with your therapist. Try and replicate the same mindset that allows for openness, which you exhibit here.

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Have you ever been NC and, if so, what was the longest stint? I'm talking social media and happy birthday texts too.

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I'd say prob 2 years. Last I heard from her other than this past week was around my bday in 2014. That's when I was in a couple weddings, and she started liking a bunch of pics I was in and any time is check in somewhere for like a month. Haven't had any contact since then until my birthday on wednesday

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Lord Wednesday and starting this process cant get here soon enough. Sitting here all evening just out of the blue remembering her texts the week before she ended. Telling me one night after I left that she wishes I was still there. I'm running thru my head how I didn't even fight for it. She break it off, and we just sat there crying. I remember she asked if I would just please say something. I couldn't and I just walked away. We didn't speak for two months after that and I nothing at all was said about our relationship. It was almost like we were talking just because we thought we should. I sent an email to her later that summer to clear some things up, but we never really had that conversation about our relationship or where things went wrong. It was just like I said okay, and walked away. 7 years later here we are. And I'm still crushed and I never even really got to say what I needed to her.

 

 

I cannot go thru this again. I just can't.

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I'd say prob 2 years. Last I heard from her other than this past week was around my bday in 2014. That's when I was in a couple weddings, and she started liking a bunch of pics I was in and any time is check in somewhere for like a month. Haven't had any contact since then until my birthday on wednesday

 

Did you have access to her on social media during that time? Between your bday in 2014 and today? You need to block her on social media if her liking a picture can cause problems. Pretend that she is dead if that's what it takes to move on.

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Lord Wednesday and starting this process cant get here soon enough. Sitting here all evening just out of the blue remembering her texts the week before she ended. Telling me one night after I left that she wishes I was still there. I'm running thru my head how I didn't even fight for it. She break it off, and we just sat there crying. I remember she asked if I would just please say something. I couldn't and I just walked away. We didn't speak for two months after that and I nothing at all was said about our relationship. It was almost like we were talking just because we thought we should. I sent an email to her later that summer to clear some things up, but we never really had that conversation about our relationship or where things went wrong. It was just like I said okay, and walked away. 7 years later here we are. And I'm still crushed and I never even really got to say what I needed to her.

 

 

I cannot go thru this again. I just can't.

 

You're going to need to cut her off and never see her again. It's been 7 years, so you have no other options. Get into therapy, and work on your future without her.

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How is therapy? Have you gone full no contact and blocked any information? Unfriend or unfollow ? Stay off fb?

 

You don't still have those texts from seven years ago to read again right? No contact means you can't find a trace of them if you tried.

 

I'm rooting for you, dude man. I hope you're doing better.

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How is therapy? Have you gone full no contact and blocked any information? Unfriend or unfollow ? Stay off fb?

 

You don't still have those texts from seven years ago to read again right? No contact means you can't find a trace of them if you tried.

 

I'm rooting for you, dude man. I hope you're doing better.

 

Thank you, Bummer. I really appreciate it..and everyone elsefor that matter. Therapy went well. I think the main thing was just getting over the initial hump of actually going. I got lost at times on some of the things she was talking about, but generally I felt she picked up on a lot of my issues from me just talking a bit.

 

 

Now comes the fun part because this is where you all get proven right. I actually didn’t really even think about the unfriending her stuff (altho I should have done it immediately) it just didn’t cross my mind yesterday. Well in the session, I did bring her up as that was the time the anxiety/self doubt/worrying really started to ramp up, changing my personality and basically killing the relationship. I talked about how it never really got better since. Well leaving the session, I felt a little better and excited for next week. I stopped at home to change my clothes for the gym. I jump on the bastard Facebook, and…notification with her name on it. I had just updated my place of employment earlier yesterday while I was at work. So she “liked” it. I’m like, you have got to be friggen kidding me. I just got out of therapy,where I talk about you, im there to get over you, and 5 minutes after you acknowledge me for the first time in almost two years on social media. Its just s*it you can’t help but laugh at.

 

 

 

 

I ended up with the unfriend. And hopefully I can just keep going forward, but man will it be difficult. I miss her unbelievably, and it sucks to know you threw away such a possible great life with a great person. Had I met someone, ANYONE since that even came close, I wouldn’t even give her a second thought, problem is that just hasn’t happened. At all.

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I ended up with the unfriend. And hopefully I can just keep going forward, but man will it be difficult. I miss her unbelievably, and it sucks to know you threw away such a possible great life with a great person. Had I met someone, ANYONE since that even came close, I wouldn’t even give her a second thought, problem is that just hasn’t happened. At all.

 

DudeMan,

 

Excellent update. You going to therapy and taking the initiative really motivates me to do the right things for myself.

 

Perhaps you haven't met anyone because you were still reflexively maintaining contact with the ex? Now that you are freeing the attachment, I bet the right girl will walk into your life just when you're ready. Maybe there was a subtle unspoken cue on your face which told women you weren't really available yet?

 

The coincidence of her timing is interesting. I think someday with more progress you can be fb friends again and share a mutual indifference and platonic congrats for life events in each others lives. If not, at least now you're free!

 

Congrats on the job , therapy, and progress. I'm inspired to hear real change from someone on this forum.

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Just stepping in to give an update cuz I feel like I owe it to people who took the time to respond, and Bummer seems genuinely interested.

 

 

Did 3 therapy sessions. I don't feel like it was really helpful. Some of it probably on me because I still had trouble truly opening up about EVERYTHING. But these little exercises to sit back and calm yourself from anxiety are nice, but don't address the real problem. The 3rd session, was a little longer, and they made it seem like it'd be some sort of out of body experience. She's telling me they've had people not be able to drive home afterwards, told me not to do anything like go to the gym that night, etc. NOTHING. It was 30 minutes longer than the other sessions and all we did was work on relaxation techniques that I really could have just googled. On top of that, I paid out of pocket cuz my insurance is crap. First 2 sessions, $60 okay no big deal. 3rd was supposed to be 2 hours, so I'm thinking 120.00. I check my receipt a few days later $350!! For nothing! So that obviously put me in a deeper depression and feeling ripped off.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, I'm starting to come around to the fact that I do have depression. Like not just sad over an old girl, the actual illness. I've had some chats with people that have been thru it, read personal accounts, etc. and I've been going thru all of that for years. Examples: Not allowing anyone to get truly close with you...waking in the middle of the night and mind immediately going to a dozen negative thoughts...fighting to get thru the day....I look back and think how many times in my life I was sure a person didn't like me (my ex's family for instance) and how ridiculous that was. I'm told that's another sign, just the unreal low self esteem and not being able to wrap your head around the fact that someone, or people actually like you, or find you attractive. Hearing/reading some peoples stories and how they acted started to make sense to me, as I look back on that relationship (and others) and I just have zero explanation for my behavior and mood sometimes. That is ultimately what killed the relationship, stuff like that. I'd go to her place after work, she'd walk in and practically throw herself at me, and later that same night I'd still have thoughts running thru my head if she even liked me.

 

 

I think back to 2 years ago, got laid off from my job. Instead of getting myself in shape, using that time to travel, and live my life, I went into a deep hole. Drinking, not hanging out with my friends, being sad, anxious about looking for work again, gaining weight and not wanting to be in public. That year I pretty much drank 5 nights a week or so and pissed away all the money I had and went thru my unemployment...on NOTHING. If that wasn't a sign of depression, I don't know what is.

 

 

I'll be getting better insurance at my job starting next month, so I will be looking for a new doctor and I've come to terms with wanting to try some sort of medication. I can be myself and fight thru every day like I've been doing for months on end, or I can try a pill to just grey everything out. I'd rather feel nothing than this. I look back now and some of my thought patterns were so goddamn off base I can't believe how I saw the world back then, and THOUGHT I knew how other people saw me. I recognize that, but I still can't put it into practice today. I still have that insecurity, that doubt. I look back and I think of all the girls that I've met that liked me, or wanted me and thought I was a good looking guy, but I can't apply that moving forward. I still feel like I'll never be able to get anyone again.

 

 

It's these thoughts I need to grey out or whatever. I know this is stuff that needs to be told to a therapist, but I am horrible at getting words out, there were times in the sessions I couldn't even get my thoughts to make sense. At least here I can stop, think and type it out. And I thank you all for listening.

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Thanks for checking in!

 

Did 3 therapy sessions. I don't feel like it was really helpful. Some of it probably on me because I still had trouble truly opening up about EVERYTHING. But these little exercises to sit back and calm yourself from anxiety are nice, but don't address the real problem. The 3rd session, was a little longer, and they made it seem like it'd be some sort of out of body experience. She's telling me they've had people not be able to drive home afterwards, told me not to do anything like go to the gym that night, etc. NOTHING. It was 30 minutes longer than the other sessions and all we did was work on relaxation techniques that I really could have just googled. On top of that, I paid out of pocket cuz my insurance is crap. First 2 sessions, $60 okay no big deal. 3rd was supposed to be 2 hours, so I'm thinking 120.00. I check my receipt a few days later $350!! For nothing! So that obviously put me in a deeper depression and feeling ripped off.

 

Sorry therapy wasn't exactly what you wanted. Yes it's expensive and the techniques seem hokey. My ex said the same about the breathing and relaxation techniques. I think planting the seeds of mindful relaxation is so important.

 

I just started meditating myself to manage the anxiety and thoughts of my ex. I think the single greatest thing to enter my life in the last two months is my practice. I'm calmer but also more lucid in thought. It's not magic, it's not everlasting, but I know I'm sowing the seeds of change.

 

In fact, I saw an old friend and could tell he was depressed and blabbed how he can experiment with following his breath and relaxing can improve his work and concentration. He thought I was going mental. But I know the seed has now been planted in him also.

 

Even if you never see another therapist, continue the lessons you learned. The breathing techniques especially. With consistent practice I know it will strengthen your self discipline and make you calmer .

 

 

That is ultimately what killed the relationship, stuff like that. I'd go to her place after work, she'd walk in and practically throw herself at me, and later that same night I'd still have thoughts running thru my head if she even liked me.

 

Be careful what your mind projects on the past from the present. I prefer to remember you did so.many great things for your ex and you were a happy nice guy, even when you lost your job. Don't dream negative things about your past when you admit your mind is cloudy. you're a great guy and still a good catch and you got a sweet job. Congrats.

 

I'll be getting better insurance at my job starting next month, so I will be looking for a new doctor and I've come to terms with wanting to try some sort of medication. I can be myself and fight thru every day like I've been doing for months on end, or I can try a pill to just grey everything out. I'd rather feel nothing than this. I look back now and some of my thought patterns were so goddamn off base I can't believe how I saw the world back then, and THOUGHT I knew how other people saw me. I recognize that, but I still can't put it into practice today. I still have that insecurity, that doubt.I look back and I think of all the girls that I've met that liked me, or wanted me and thought I was a good looking guy, but I can't apply that moving forward. I still feel like I'll never be able to get anyone again.

 

Getting meds is a great idea. Try them as crutch not a wheelchair. I wish my ex would have tried something in the last six months but she adamantly refused saying her prolonged medicated childhood was bad enough. Use with caution.

 

This last.part is false. YOU CAN APPLY GOOD THOUGHTS FORWARD., you admit girls like you. They still would. You are a great dude. I'm no therapist but i promise no one is thinking negative thoughts about you. Even if you screw up people may scoff briefly but in five seconds they get back to treating you as an equal. No problems!

 

Thanks for the update. Please practice. Stay full NC, and keep sharing!

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How is your job?

 

What do you do at the gym? Power lifting, cross fit, Zumba :)?

 

What's your living situation right now? Alone or with roommates? Or at home?

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Bummer, man. I've been reading thru your other posts. You seem like such a level headed guy, wish I could have that frame of mind sometimes. I didn't realize how recent your troubles were. I often wish I could reciprocate the good advice I've gotten here for others, but unfortunately that's not my specialty. I feel almost silly crying over a girl from years past when so many of you are fresh thru a breakup as we speak. Doesn't feel right for me to do that.

 

 

This holiday weekend is always especially tough tho. We had just been dating a few months and she took me to her family members beach house for the 4th of july. We were only supposed to meet a couple of her cousins there, but when we got there, unknown to her, a very large portion of her family came. So here I was, already insecure in myself, "the new boyfriend" spending the weekend with about 20 family members. I felt completely overwhelmed, judged, I don't even know what else. I completely shut down for that weekend. Was in a horrible mood, almost even angry at her even tho she had no idea that many people were going to be there. I also felt bad because July 4 was always a weekend with my friends- drinking, laughing, out on the water, and in my head I felt like I was ditching them for not being there. Seems so ridiculous now. I remember her crying that weekend and me basically not caring. I completely ruined what was supposed to be a wonderful romantic weekend at the start of a relationship.

 

 

That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about when I say I really feel like I had depression back then. No idea how I could've acted like that. There were times when I almost stepped back and said I needed to work on some things about myself, but I didn't want to take a break from her. Besides, if I would have just expressed how I felt, she would have been right there to support. I've gone thru breakups where its so easy to hate the other person who did you wrong. I can see you're going thru that now. Its awful. For me this is even worse, as it was all me. I don't think this woman has ever been angry at anyone in her life. She has 1,000 friends. Friends all over the world she visits. Impossibly nice, and caring, easiest person to get along with. And as much as she liked me, I somehow managed to make her resent me. That was her words at one point. She was doing everything she could to try to work on the relationship and I basically went thru the motions.

 

 

Believe it or not there was a long period a few years back I was over this. I still thought about her, missed her. But out of nowhere a few months ago all those feelings from right after we broke up came flooding back. It just feels like I had everything for a great life lined up for me there. Beautiful, caring woman with a wonderful family. As I think i've said I was still at a point in my life where drinking and watching sports with my buddies was the big priority. But that was the time (mid-late 20s) where I see most people had met the person they eventually settled down with. I understand things dont always work out, but I just feel like that was my chance. My family is very small, and mostly older. No cookouts, trips, holidays are quick and a bore. My friends never wanted to travel. So before then and since then, I didn't have much of that going on in my life. I had ALL of that with her. Its just hard to see how I've wasted the last years of my life, being depressed, drunk, jobless and broke and thinking if 1 or 2 things goes differently, my last 5+ years could have been spent traveling, the wonderful holidays, etc. Its becoming overwhelming.

 

 

To answer your questions, I live alone. Have a house I've had for about 8 years. Its a nice house, but my neighborhood is terrible. I'd love to just pick that house up and move it somewhere. I've wanted out of there for a while, if for nothing else a change, but I had no money. I'm not as active in the gym as I used to be. Mainly because of my commute gets me home late. I just lift some weights and do some cardio, nothing fancy. My friends want to get back into running some of those obstacle races, ones in August, so I guess I could focus on that and try to be in better shape by then.

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Bummer, man. I've been reading thru your other posts. You seem like such a level headed guy, wish I could have that frame of mind sometimes.

 

 

Fun secret, you can fake it! yeah, I'm in my underwear at my parent's house funemployed trolling the web in the middle of the day. I sometimes have it together. It feels good to distract myself by focusing on others. Pretend you are your best self and thrust that forward. Make parts of that your genuine self. shape your ego to emulate those you value.

 

I feel almost silly crying over a girl from years past when so many of you are fresh thru a breakup as we speak. Doesn't feel right for me to do that.

 

Anything is fair that makes you better. There is no shot clock on grieving.

 

This holiday weekend is always especially tough tho.

 

I don't like your July 4th story. Tell me about the parts you did right that weekend? I'm sure you were warm and friendly. I'm sure you made one good joke. Tell me the good memories you have. Tell a happy emotion you felt. Make one up if you can't remember. Happy lies are ok in my.book.

 

I don't think this woman has ever been angry at anyone in her life. She has 1,000 friends. Friends all over the world she visits. Impossibly nice, and caring, easiest person to get along with.

 

Get a sledgehammer and smash that pedestal to bits. It might take awhile but do it. What did she do wrong? Anything. She is just a human. Like you. With flaws. Like you. She's great I hear you but no greater than everyone else. I promise you that. Smash the pedestal and build one for you. oh, and take off those pink sunglasses and smash them.

 

But out of nowhere a few months ago all those feelings from right after we broke up came flooding back.

 

Why? What was the trigger?

 

Its just hard to see how I've wasted the last years of my life, being depressed, drunk, jobless and broke and thinking if 1 or 2 things goes differently, my last 5+ years could have been spent traveling, the wonderful holidays, etc. Its becoming overwhelming.

 

Like you learned in therapy, accept those thoughts but put them over there away from your face.

 

Are you religious? I find in trauma I tend to reach out for my semblance of spirituality like a blanket. I rolled a truck on black ice and had a come to Jesus moment years ago which instilled a desire for community and love from others so I went to church. I fell out of that and lately I've been on a Buddhism kick. It's neat and karma and destiny are keys to the teachings. When I read you waxing on about past whatifs I stop myself and remember its all for a reason. Maybe not destiny, but for your own sake its powerful to find a reason, IMO. Pain and loss and regret are life's teachers. Perhaps in a past life you committed a sin and this pain of yours is a karmatic punishment. If you accept the loss in that way, does it ease the pain? You're grief cycle of being depressed and drunk and jobless are part of your journey. Accept the good of it and apply the lessons.

 

The other lesson is change. Everything in every moment is changing. Your judgement of your past is coloured by your mental eye of the present (negatively). If you woke up happy tomorrow and thought about July 4 with her, you would write about it differently. More positively. The past is not static. It's a memory in your mind of the present! Same with the future.Nothing is static.

 

Sure someone has shoved it on you, but read the power of now if you haven't and see if anything sticks.

 

 

To answer your questions, I live alone. Have a house I've had for about 8 years. Its a nice house, but my neighborhood is terrible. I'd love to just pick that house up and move it somewhere. I've wanted out of there for a while, if for nothing else a change, but I had no money. I'm not as active in the gym as I used to be. Mainly because of my commute gets me home late. I just lift some weights and do some cardio, nothing fancy. My friends want to get back into running some of those obstacle races, ones in August, so I guess I could focus on that and try to be in better shape by then.

 

Here's the challenge. As a friend who knows very little of you, I think you should at least talk to a realtor about selling the house. Find out what it's worth and what needs fixing. The goal is to get you out of there. Do a inkind transfer or whatever and get out of there and into a better area with a shorter commute all in one step. 8 years means you may have spent time with her there. Ask keiji, i think he left a shared house and the change of enironment was very beneficial. start by calling a realtor to stop by. It's free.

 

Try taking yoga or spinning. Nothing relieves anxiety more than trying not to fart or sweating next to a cute girl. Live outside your skin a bit. Try weekend classes if you're busy. Definitely do the tough mudder or whatever.

 

Do you have hobbies?

 

I really don't know you but value tough love. I think it's ok you're grieving still. I think it's okay you were better and now it's worse. I think it's okay you still think you're the problem and not the answer. I think it's okay she's still held as perfection to you.

 

But change your mind little by little. You ARE social. You are worthy of love. You are a good person. You will overcome this. You will be happy. find a post by Satu talking about "sense of agency" and repeat it out loud a few times. Corny? Sure. But who's listening.

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7 damn years, not much progress.
I don't know, it sounds like you've made a lot of progress. You've just had a setback is all. As you mentioned in one of your posts, the real reason you still think about this woman is you haven't met anyone else to replace her in your mind.

 

Depression has a powerful tendency to rob us of our will to change, and in turn the lack of change feeds the depression. The biggest fuel source for depression, in my unprofessional opinion, is the negative self-talk. Every time we think negatively about something, we reaffirm to our subconscious that we are right to be depressed.

 

Fortunately, you can consciously alter your thinking to end the negative self thought process by recognizing that you have a choice over what you spend time thinking about. Every time this woman pops into your mind, recognize that it is an unhealthy thought and change the subject. Every time you start to think negatively, recognize that it is an unhealthy thought and change the subject. That's right, just think about something else. Work, friends, a woman you'd like to get to know, a tv show, some fascinating subject, etc. I like to use that time to imagine my next goal, and how I plan to go about achieving it. There is no end to the topics available for healthy self-thinking. Again, you just need to recognize the thought process and change it.

 

Now, occasionally, you'll slip up and she'll pop back into your mind. This isn't failure, it is another opportunity to practice healthy thinking. Like anything else, the more you practice, the better you become. Soon you'll be able to push out any negative thought as soon as it hits and before it takes hold and has a chance to effect your mood and life.

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  • 2 weeks later...
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Well heres one that boosts the self esteem.

 

 

Got on a dating site, I've been before but nothing really ever come of it. Matter of fact I've never actually gone on a date off a dating site. Well I begin chatting with a very cute girl who actually lives very near me for once. After a few messages we start texting and she adds me on facebook as we have about 4 or 5 mutual friends. This started about last Thursday or Friday. She was almost always initiating the texts. Would tell me good morning and we'd chat most of the day, kind of keep each other company while we're both at work. We talked on the phone for a bit a few nights ago.

 

 

Theres a big music festival right near where we live this weekend and we were both going so we said we'd meet up sometime at the show this weekend. She's texting me all day yesterday and finally when I'm inside she says she'll come see me. I'm pretty sure I saw her walk by in the crowd but I wasn't sure if it was her so I didn't want to go running out to someone I didn't know. Hell, I don't even really know this girl. She texts that she just walked thru there and didn't see me. I told her I was in a bright yellow tank top so I wouldn't be hard to miss. She replies "You're in with yellow tank top?" Then just quits responding to my messages. She then later says "We didn't even go thru there, my family snatched me up."

 

 

And zero texts since. So basically after a week of daily text conversations and talking on the phone, this girl walked by, saw me and said No thanks. I don't know if she didn't like my body type or what lol. Because I had a hat on and sun glasses so theres no way she could really even see my face.

 

 

But anyway, I can take a hint. I just texting her this afternoon and said "hey lets just forget it. Not a big deal." Of course no response. How big a kick in the nuts is that, that someone just looked at you and all her interest went away?? That's probably the last thing my psyche needed right now. I know that's the type of girl you don't want to deal with anyway, but things seemed to fit. We lived close, I was very comfortable talking to her, and she seemed really sweet. I was actually excited. My mind was off my ex for a good portion of the week too. Now heading back up hill again :(

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Dude, Man,

 

No big deal.

 

1. girls on OLD are flaky. 2. she maybe didnt see you. 3. she maybe lost her phone. 4. maybe she met someone else.

 

If you were wearing glasses and a hat, she didnt see you. She saw your picture from FB and OLD so she knows you physically already right? Are you catfishing with your profiles?

 

Sounds like you were a bit insecure and nervous. Call it an admirable dry run. .000, but congrats. Keep swiping right and be confident. Keep a few girls on the texting reserve "bench" in case one strikes out. They are doing it too!

 

If you get stood up, brush it off. If you get only a 30 minute date, brush it off. Thicken your skin and arm yourself to be prepared for rejection. If you round second and get waved for home, slide in feet first for safety.

 

Slide, don't dive. It's a numbers' game you have to keep playing in to win.

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