He has a girlfriend...

[Unsur]

I just found out my ex of 9 years has a girlfriend, in fact, they've been together for 2 months! We only broke up 4 months ago! I can't believe how fast he moved on. It really, really hurts but not because I want him back. I think I've realised that this has more to do with my ego than it does with him. I don't want to get back together with him, I don't even want to talk to him but I'm left feeling like our whole relationship was a lie. I know it wasn't but it is how I feel.

 

I feel unlovable and I can't believe he got over me so fast... I can't believe I meant nothing to him. We said when we broke up that out of respect for each other that we wouldn't date for at least 3 months and that we would tell each other and be honest when it did happen. Well apparently that was all a lie because I found out via my sister who has him on FB. I don't understand why he didn't tell me. I know he doesn't have any obligation too but I really thought he would at least consider my feelings and he hasn't at all. I guess I don't even know this person anymore. It was stupid of me to think he would wait... I do understand that if you meet someone you can't help it but I just wish he'd have told me rather than letting me find out like that. I already thought he had a gf because I'd seen him in the car with a girl but I guess my denial was strong and I kept telling myself it couldn't be true. How silly of me.

 

It hurts because I was so easily replaced, because I don't think I'm going to find someone, because I wanted him to come begging back to me even though I'd reject him (this sounds crazy doesn't it?), because we were each others first everythings and now that bond has gone. I just have really low self confidence and this has knocked it even more. I know that this is all to do with me and not really to do with him but I don't know how to feel better about all of this. It's so strange, I thought I knew him inside out but I was so wrong.

 

I keep thinking that he didn't want to tell me because he thinks I would turn in to a crazy ex and to be honest I'm definitely fighting that right now. I've stayed NC throughout all of this and I'm glad that I have. I want to continue to do so. I want to be strong and I don't want him to know that this bothers me but at the same time I'm wanting to send him this:

 

"Hey, I've heard that you have a girlfriend now, what happened to you telling me? We said that we would be honest with each other so that we didn't have to find out through anyone else but look whats happened! Why didn't you tell me? Do you not respect me anymore? Do you not care? I don't know how you can move on so quickly and act like I don't even exist."

 

Buuut I won't because I feel much better for writing this all out and venting. Sometimes I just need to get it all out, no matter how crazy I seem. I'm going to keep NC, I'm going to keep not looking at his FB and I'm going to keep healing. I can get through this.

[Zahara]

It's not realistic. People often say a lot of things they don't mean in the midst of breaking up. Once you end, he has no obligation to tell you what's going on with his life. That goes for you too. If anything, the healthy and emotionally smart thing to do would be to keep out of each others lives so that you both can heal and move on. He probably made that promise as a passive move to soften the blow of ending it with you.

 

2 months or 3 months. There is no difference. You were together for 9 years and that is a long time. I don't think he just decided to end with you but it was probably stirring in his head for awhile so he was likely checking out emotionally long before you ended. But to you it seems like he's moved on quickly.

 

Please don't send that text. The relationship has ended and it is time to accept that it comes with your partner moving on. It's not a reflection on you. His part in your story is over. It's now time for you to close the chapter and move on.

 

Block him and tell your friends and family to stop feeding you information.

[Unsur]

I suppose I know that it isn't realistic but I just hoped that he would at least let me know from him rather than finding out the hard way.

He is already blocked, I haven't had any contact (including looking at his stuff) since the breakup/getting my stuff back. I've already told them not to tell me but sometimes sisters just don't listen!

I wouldn't ever send the text, no matter how tempting it is, I just needed to get it out of my system and used here to do it.

Yeah, it was a mutual breakup really, there was no future for us and I was the one who instigated it but it doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. It was as amicable as possible so I guess I just expected more from him. He kept telling me he wanted to be friends (something I didn't want) so I dunno. It was silly of me. I'm definitely moving on and for the most part I'm so much happier but I only found out today, so its raw and I needed a vent!

Thanks

[Zahara]

I suppose I know that it isn't realistic but I just hoped that he would at least let me know from him rather than finding out the hard way.

He is already blocked, I haven't had any contact (including looking at his stuff) since the breakup/getting my stuff back. I've already told them not to tell me but sometimes sisters just don't listen!

I wouldn't ever send the text, no matter how tempting it is, I just needed to get it out of my system and used here to do it.

Yeah, it was a mutual breakup really, there was no future for us and I was the one who instigated it but it doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt. It was as amicable as possible so I guess I just expected more from him. He kept telling me he wanted to be friends (something I didn't want) so I dunno. It was silly of me. I'm definitely moving on and for the most part I'm so much happier but I only found out today, so its raw and I needed a vent!

Thanks

 

The thing is, it's not information you need to know. That is why strict NC is advocated. When the time came, he probably was hesitant to tell you because he knew it would hurt you. It's not the smart thing to do, especially when emotions are involved.

 

Stay NC and be firm with your sisters. They should know better than to feed you information that hurts. You'll get past this. Now that you know he's with someone else, it'll help you move on faster.

 

Be strong.

[bummer]

I'd like to echo Zahara that he moved on awhile ago but didn't want to hurt you. My ex did the same and found a guy in two weeks after a 1.5yr relationship.

 

You are more confident beautiful and stronger than you believe. Just remind yourself you're important and focus on your strengths. Cope by venting as much as you need but stay NC.

 

I know someone better will love you and show you so many things your first just couldn't show you. Be open to the future and make sure you heal before you rebound out of this. Be thankful you get to experience new things and try to take pleasure in doin things alone where you make the decisions where to go and how long to stay. Be happy. I'm right there with you.

[Unsur]

Thank you to both of you. I know you're right.

 

He probably didn't want to tell me because he knows that I suffer with my mental health and didn't want to hurt me. Or he thinks I would hurt myself or try and ruin things with his new girlfriend. Thing is I'm not like that anymore, I've grown more as a person in the last 4 months than I did in 9 years with him.

 

He probably was over me before we ended, I was kinda over him too. I've felt much happier without him but its only now that I'm seeming to get upset. I really don't think its about him, I think its about me feeling unwanted and feeling insecure with myself. Thats something I obviously still need to work on.

 

Its almost as though I'm upset at being replaced but I'm trying to force myself to not see it like that. I'm not replaceable, he just has a new love. Thats ok, he is allowed to move on and he is allowed to be happy. She looks like a lovely girl and they will probably have a much healthier relationship than we ever did. He made me miserable, I made him miserable. I know all of this but still can't help it. We spent so much time together, I think we only ever spent a week apart in all of those 9 years. It was really unhealthy and codependent. I'm glad he is moving on and in a way I also feel sad for him. He isn't experiencing single life, he's gone straight in to a relationship. I'd like to think that he just can't handle being on his own but I can't make guesses like that I suppose. She could be the person that he stays with forever and I kinda hope she is, I'd feel better about it then in some weird way.

 

I'm trying to stay positive, I'm trying to see the good in them both. If I truly care for him (which I do) I'd want him to be happy. I don't want to cause him pain and I don't want to make things difficult for him. I'm trying to be a better person and trying to learn that I don't need anyone to make myself happy. I don't need to be everything to someone, I don't need someone else to make me whole.

 

I'm continuing to work on myself and writing out here certainly helps. Its shown me that my problem is me. Sorry I keep posting here, I know there isn't much anyone can say but its really therapeutic.