Trying to Learn the Lesson from all of this

[DontBreakEven]

I have had a hell of a past couple years.

 

Starting in January 2014 when my fiance broke up with me a week after I proposed. Took me a good 5 months to recover from the pain of that event.

 

Finally when I did, I started dating, and in the beginning it was rocky, but I finally met a girl I just adored. Long story short, we didn't even make a it full year. I still am unsure why that all deteriorated, but it did. Went into the tank for about 6 months on that one, and came out this past December with new strength to go at it again.

 

I met a girl that lived a few hundred miles from me and we started an LDR. Not ideal, but she was the only person I had met in quite some time that really made me feel excited about romance, and the possibility of love again. We would see each other every other weekend, and we were determined to make it work.

 

But ... then the red flags started rearing their ugly head. I really, really wanted to ignore them. But they were too big. After 5 months, and a failed attempt at a move to be with each other, I had to end it. I had to. The relationship was abusive and though I didn't want to admit it to myself, it was the best thing for me to bow out. This wasn't the person for me. I really, really wanted it to be after all these years of sh*t, but it wasn't.

 

What I am dealing with right now is extreme sadness. I feel like I always stay in bad situations because I don't want to face the alternative: being alone. For the first time in my life, a situation was SO bad, I knew that I couldn't stay. Yet, I still question myself if I made the right decision, as I come home to a quiet, empty apartment on a Friday night, and go to bed alone. I could have arms around me right now. My ex would have probably never left me, honestly.

 

But instead, I chose to leave an extremely unhealthy situation. That should feel like the healthy choice, right? Why doesn't it? Why does it just feel like all the other failures, but with a twinge of regret, because I actually had the choice on this one when I ended it?

 

I feel like I'm supposed to be learning something here, but I'm missing the point. Anyone have any ideas, or similar situations?

[luluv13]

No advice or insight for what you should be learning from all this because I'm in a similar boat but you may want to look into attachment theory if you haven't ever before. I am very anxiously attached when I come to my relationships. It usually coincides with codependency. That causes me to want to maintain my attachment to my significant other regardless of circumstances and especially if they are avoidantly attached (which both were). I stayed in an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship/marriage where my ex treated me badly consistently for 13 years because I couldn't and wouldn't give up. I'm now grieving for 4 months over a 5 month relationship that had obvious red flags because I just can't let go of him. It makes no sense. I can be a very logical and down to earth person and I know none of this makes rational sense. However, if you understand attachment theory and anxiously attached people, things become a little bit clearer about why this is happening and why this is SO hard for me. And, that does make me feel a little bit better about things and makes things easier to accept.

Maybe you are anxiously attached in your relationships? Worth looking in to. Good for you for knowing and leaving a bad situation. You definitely stronger than me in that regards! Hope you bounce back soon!

[DontBreakEven]

That's actually funny, because during my last relationship I was trying to figure out what the hell was going on the whole time, and through some Googling, I read about attachment theory, mentioned it to my ex, and we read a book together called "Attached", assuming I was the anxious and she was the avoidant. Well, I am definitely the anxious. Now that all is said and done I am 99.9% certain the issue with my partner was not any sort of attachment style, but Narcissist Personality. I don't know how I didn't see it sooner, but it all makes sense. Everything in my gut was seeing it though ... I needed out. And I finally gathered the strength to get out somehow.

 

I'm still grieving the initial few months where I was being love-bombed and I thought I had finally found happiness with someone. Of course it was all just a con. And yes, my anxious attachment style definitely didn't help with any of it. Ugh.