Jump to content

I desperately need some hope


Scorpio Chick

Recommended Posts

Scorpio Chick

I am going through a really rough patch. I feel like I am in quicksand and I am REALLY finding it hard to find a crumb of hope to move forward. I physically feel weak from everything.

 

I had this thought for the first time in my life today, which sounds ridiculous, but I thought, it's like I'm being persecuted. I could make a bulletted list of things that have happened the past year and it really seems like it. It is like God is punishing me, and maybe I deserve it? Can this be possible? How come some of the people that have done deliberately, unprovoked wrong things to me seem to be perfectly happy, thriving, etc???

 

While I wouldn't do it because I know how it feels to have it done to you, my thoughts have been that I would like to die. But that isn't really accurate. I'm kind of scared to die. But I have become soooo alone and I do not know the first thing to do and being that I'm broke, my options are almost completely limited anyway. I just keep doing a mental loop de loop in circles of despair. It's actually kind of scaring me in a way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
SomethingToSay

Can you call a help line? And contact your county mental health dept. There is alot of help out there that doesnt cost anything

 

Im so sorry you are hurting

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Try to remember and put into action the fact that no one has more control over your life than you do. When I hear someone attribute their misery to God, I think the person must not be steering their own ship. You need to actively steer your own life. It's not always easy. You have to bulldog your way through obstacles to accomplish even the smallest of everyday goals sometimes. You cannot wait sitting still and expect anything to change. Momentum is important. So get moving and take it day to day and improve your life. Start by going somewhere fun for the day and giving yourself some enjoyment. Take steps to recover your life. Good luck.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Scorpio Chick

Thank you SomethingToSay and Preraph for responding. Actually things like people taking the time to respond does offer some hope. So thank you. I did also go off of Lexapro a few weeks ago, for financial reasons. But now I think I better get on something. SomethingToSay, I will reach out to an agency tomorrow, I know I really need it.

 

PreRaph, you're right. I've been thinking how hard it is for me to even move right now, but that is precisely what I NEED TO DO!! Momentum like you say. For me, as bad as it is right now, I really need to take super baby steps. More like embryonic steps!! If I could just focus and keep that in mind. Not worry about three hours from now, not worry about tomorrow, just one step in front of the other.

 

Thank y'all very much.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am going through a really rough patch. I feel like I am in quicksand and I am REALLY finding it hard to find a crumb of hope to move forward. I physically feel weak from everything.

 

I had this thought for the first time in my life today, which sounds ridiculous, but I thought, it's like I'm being persecuted. I could make a bulletted list of things that have happened the past year and it really seems like it. It is like God is punishing me, and maybe I deserve it? Can this be possible? How come some of the people that have done deliberately, unprovoked wrong things to me seem to be perfectly happy, thriving, etc???

 

While I wouldn't do it because I know how it feels to have it done to you, my thoughts have been that I would like to die. But that isn't really accurate. I'm kind of scared to die. But I have become soooo alone and I do not know the first thing to do and being that I'm broke, my options are almost completely limited anyway. I just keep doing a mental loop de loop in circles of despair. It's actually kind of scaring me in a way.

 

I remember feeling a bit like you last year. No one was paying the invoices they owed me, I was restlessly working Monday through Sunday to then see an empty bank account and my relationship was essentially vanishing. My motorcycle would break down and then, three days later, the damn fridge would stop working. Then my dad got cancer, my grandma died and my girlfriend left me. All in all, everything that could go wrong, went wrong. I was depressed and angry at life. Like you, I saw people around me and they were all doing fine. And then I realized that a big part of my predicament was due to my own attitude. Of course, my motorcycle didn't break because I was feeling down, but when I gathered some stamina and started taking the reins of my life again, I re-organized my working schedule, started asking for advancements, which I had never done before, and above all, I resorted to therapy because, just like you, I was in a mental loop in which everything was black, perhaps some shades of dark grey in my best days.

 

As I told my ex-girlfriend the last time we spoke, happiness doesn't grow on trees. Sometimes you have to fight a bit for it, and it's perfectly fine. And when luck doesn't come your way, go out to find it. But before you need to get out of that negative cycle, and that takes a bit of work. I worked hard and now I can safely say I'm really, really happy. And so will you!!

Edited by keiji
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that possibly the Lexapro has a lot to do w/ it.

 

The reason for that is because my wife has been on that and several other anti-depressants and anti-psychotics during the last couple of years as her Dr. has tried to find something that works for her. She has felt some pretty strong swings in moods and emotions both from being on and coming off of these medications (both good and bad).

 

She is using Latuda now and so far it seems to be doing the best for her.

 

None of that type of medication has ever seemed to affect me but it's very different for her and coming off of one type can often have as much effect on her sense of well being as going on something else.

 

So you may want to talk w/ a Dr. about Lexapro or other options.

 

I also know that sometimes problems like you"re experiencing can be caused by coming off the meds too quickly rather than tapering off. you might want to check that out.

 

Good luck.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you in therapy? If not, start. The physical aches & pains are part of the depression. I spent a year as a what felt like a pin cushion while doctors tried to determine if I had lupus, lyme disease or whatever because my pain from the depression was awful.

 

 

Try setting yourself up for small victories. Clean out your closet or the refrigerator. Address something else that has been bothering you like dew a button onto your favorite shirt, get a new battery for a watch that stopped, wash your car . . . basically fix some niggling little thing & build from there.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease

Your post mentions you feel like you're in quicksand and wonder if God is punishing you.

 

David, whom God says was "a man after God's own heart," (Acts 13:22) felt exactly the same way as you are feeling and described his depression in Psalm 69:1-3

 

"Save me, O God, for the waters have threatened my life. I have sunk in deep mire (quicksand) and there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and a flood overflows me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; My eyes fail while I wait for God."

 

Do you feel this way?

 

You may or may not know that before David became a king he ran for his life because King Saul was trying to murder him. He lived in caves as armies surrounded him sometimes and were commissioned to kill him. His troubles were huge and he became very depressed as he tried to escape them and saw no way out. This is what the Psalms are written about; David's struggles, his overwhelming depression, and his hope in God, when God was all He had. They also chronicle his deliverance and his praise to God after God had brought him out of his trials.

 

Here was the solution he found,

 

"I waited patiently for the Lord and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay (quicksand) and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord."' Psalm 40:1-3

 

This may or may not "speak to you." If it does, grasp hold of it and ask God for help out of your trials.

 

I've been exactly where you are more than one time, through relationship issues, financial issues and health issues, sometimes all at the same time, and God has always brought me out of the troubles and my discouragement about them.

 

"The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all." Psalm 34:19

 

Jesus says in John 16:33, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

 

Many people don't realize what a firm and strong help the Lord is. It has become fashionable not to believe in Him and seems naive to some to believe in Him and the help He offers.

 

But, I can assure you, there is no more real and solid help than the help of God. He can give you strength to face your troubles and He can remove them in His timing as you turn to Him.

 

PS I also want to add that in God's love He puts people in your path to offer practical suggestions as He has done here on this forum. Many posters are giving you good ideas to cope. As you are taking this advice many are giving, and I hope you will, I encourage you also to turn to the Lord for His help and the companionship He offers. He is AMAZING!

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Many people don't realize what a firm and strong help the Lord is. It has become fashionable not to believe in Him and seems naive to some to believe in Him and the help He offers.

 

But, I can assure you, there is no more real and solid help than the help of God. He can give you strength to face your troubles and He can remove them in His timing as you turn to Him.

 

I don't look down on those who have faith and cling to it when they're in a dark place, but those of us who prefer to rely on ourselves, other human beings or whatever fills us with hope don't do it because it's fashionable. Some of us hold strong beliefs that have absolutely nothing to do with someone up there guiding our life. Seriously.

Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease
I don't look down on those who have faith and cling to it when they're in a dark place, but those of us who prefer to rely on ourselves, other human beings or whatever fills us with hope don't do it because it's fashionable. Some of us hold strong beliefs that have absolutely nothing to do with someone up there guiding our life. Seriously.

 

 

Sure, I only post Biblical encouragement for those who believe because I have found great help in God that hasn't been available to me through other resources.

 

But, I understand many, such as yourself, don't believe in God or even may believe but don't believe that He is involved in our lives so it's more of if the shoe doesn't fit, no point in trying it on.

 

I agree with you that I could have chosen a more appropriate word than fashionable. There is an aspect to the word that suits, though, in that, unlike you, there are those who haven't thought things through about everything, not just spiritual beliefs, and tend to believe according to trends.

 

But, like I posted above, if the shoe doesn't fit, no point in wearing it. OP had mentioned God in her post so that is why I replied with Biblical encouragement in case it may be of help to her. Possibly it won't, but not everything that is posted here suits everyone. We all pick and choose.

 

Hope you have a great day!:)

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Scorpio Chick

LivingWaterPlease: Thank you so much for your responses! And, yes, they DO speak to me. I have been one of those people who is still a 'baby' in Christ. I believe, but I have failed to eat the meat. I started reading the Bible several months back and abandoned it. Your post was greatly appreciated. I read each word with razor sharp focus.

 

I have felt so bad now and my circumstances are such - but I do also have much to be grateful for - that I also feel like God is backing me into not just a corner, but His corner. It is ridiculous that I believe but won't 'throw' myself into it. And I guess that is rejecting Him? But I do not want to. I guess I could write here why I FEEL I haven't, but my brain is truly suffering some sort of 'damage' from the years of depression, anger, frustration, and hopelessness relating to my brother's unsolved murder and my mother's suicide many years after. I was very close to my Mom. I was 17 and 2 weeks away from HS graduation when my brother was killed. Truthfully, my mother died then for all intents and purposes. The sorrow I felt for her was too much. The anger at the authorities, still, for sloppily handling the 'investigation' was and is too much. I guess today, with other things that have happened, I am realizing the ONLY thing that can help...is God. I know what I want is something tangible and immediate, and it isn't going to happen that way.

 

I feel like turning it all to God is giving up even though that is PRECISELY what I do not want to do. I started a book about what happened to my brother, but it is incredibly difficult to work on regularly because I get so worked up, sometimes shaking with anger. I am realizing that all these years, my brain and emotions are so raw and scrambled, and hard to control. I have deep, deep hatred in my heart. I've been to therapists, I've taken antidepressants. Therapists and antidepressants didn't create me. I understand the One who did HAS to be the One, the only one, that can help me. I honestly have had the thought many times recently, especially these past few weeks when I have actually felt like maybe I should die, that I'm being backed into the corner. Nothing else on earth, literally, has or is helping the way I need help...but I guess God can and will. What kind of scared me recently is, I was giving blood, and towards the end of it, I started feeling sick, like I was about to pass out. Two staff members came over and said I looked very pale. My heart felt weak, I felt hot and nauseous. Normally, that would scare me. But I thought, maybe I'll die. I took a deep breath and relaxed and basically thought...'good'.

 

I promise I don't mean to be dramatic, and actually, that's pretty funny that I would think I would die after losing a pint of blood surrounded by nurses, etc..but normally I'm a scaredy cat about stuff like that, and instead the predominant thought and almost hope, was to die. I have a daughter I love, and I KNOW, of all people, I cannot do that to her voluntarily. Still, the thinking has been there.

 

LivingWaterPlease, thank you again from the bottom of my heart for your response. It may be lame, but I'm digitally sending you a big hug!

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease

Scorpio Chik, I am rushing to meet appointments so can't write much, will later, but I want you to know I have prayed for you all day as I have gone about my work that God would surround you with His love.

 

I have been right where you are (various therapists, quite a few different antidepressants, etc.) in deep depression though not from the same trials.

 

At that time the word got back to me that people were saying I wasn't going to make it. Because a lot of people knew I was bad off.

 

Long story short, I had only one place to turn and it was God and the Bible. No one who knows my life and work now (and didn't know me then) would ever believe I was once in that kind of shape.

 

It came about on a journey of daily prayer to get to know Jesus Christ as a personal friend and through daily reading passages from the Bible. It was that simple but it took God time to carry out His work. He put me, a dismal failure, on a pathway of distinction in my work and life.

 

I cannot boast enough in the power of Jesus Christ! He is mighty! And He loves to take a person whose life is in shambles and bring that life into vibrancy and joy as an example to all of what He can do! He has done it for me and He can do it for you.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I don't look down on those who have faith and cling to it when they're in a dark place, but those of us who prefer to rely on ourselves, other human beings or whatever fills us with hope don't do it because it's fashionable. Some of us hold strong beliefs that have absolutely nothing to do with someone up there guiding our life. Seriously.

 

Just giving people help. That is all what was done. I do believe in god but I dont go preach it and shove it down peoples throat. I have told some on here to pray. No big deal. some of us who do believe in it on here, forget. we dont know who believes or not on here so some of us just throw it out there bc some forget that it is a tool to help during tough times. whatever works. whether its real or not.

 

I pray with rosary beads at night and wear them to work. It helped me big time with my break up. My ex tore my heart. The more tools we have, the faster we heal and recover. even if you believe in the easter bunny. If that will make you heal, go for it. BUT, you still have to help yourself out. You still have to do the work.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease

Scorpio Chick, I have read your response several times and first I want to thank you for the hug!:) It's so kind of you to think of someone else when you are feeling so badly yourself!

 

Now, I must write that with what you have been through it's no wonder you are suffering from depression! I'm so very sorry to hear of the tragedies you've experienced from the loss of your brother and then your dear mother. That is just heartbreaking to even read about. There may be a day when you are able to write that book but now may not be the time, I don't know.

 

My trials have been a different sort but they began at a very young age. By the time I was a teenager I was fighting deep dark depression ( I believe it was PTSD) which continued as I found myself a single mother with no job, no income at all, and little children to raise by myself.

 

At the very worst point I picked up a book that totally changed my life. It's called, God Sent A Man, by the late Carlyle B. Haynes. I believe it's out of print but you can buy it used online. I believe it would be well worth your while to do so. It encouraged me greatly that God could get me out of my hopeless circumstances.

 

I'm going to write most of the forward from it for you to consider. But before I do I want to say that this book filled me with so much hope that after reading it in a couple of days, I began turning to the Bible, God's word, to find promises from God in it to give me strength and to show me the pathway to follow. I believe consistency in reading His Word and prayer each day is what has made it possible for God to do the work in me and for me that He has done because by staying closely connected to Him this way, He has been able to pour His healing love into me. I so needed to be healed and restored.

 

And by staying close with Him, also, He has had authority over my life to protect me and to guide me in the ways that have blessed me so very much. I have made mistakes and sins since giving Him my life but as I have continued to stay connected to Him He has always brought me out of my failures and continued moving me on an upward pathway of joy and success.

 

I can't tell you exactly when I was healed of the depression that had been my companion for many years but one day I realized I was never depressed anymore and was filled with hope and joy all the time.

 

Some of the places in the Bible that helped me the most were the Psalms (chapter 107 is amazing!), Isaiah (approx chapters 40-60) and the gospels, particularly the book of John.

 

I'm going to submit this post then write another consisting of the forward to God Sent A Man, so that you can get an idea of what the book is about.

 

Oh, and yes! A hug for you, too! (((((Scorpio Chick)))))

Link to post
Share on other sites
I did also go off of Lexapro a few weeks ago, for financial reasons.

 

Did you taper or abruptly stop taking it? Because thoughts of persecution and suicide can actually be a side effect of abruptly stopping that particular med.

Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease

Here is most of the forward to God Sent A Man, a book that changed my way of thinking and in so doing changed my life:

 

"When you open a book you are entitled to learn from its title and table of contents something of what you are about to read. You deserve a close and definite idea of the purpose and aim of the writer...I am using this Foreward to let you know at the outset what I have in mind to accomplish by this book.

 

It is in my mind to produce in your mind a profound and unshakable conviction that will alter your whole outlook on life and provide you with a philosophy that will transform your life from a meaningless conglomeration of fortuitous changes into a meaningful and divinely arranged plan.

 

I would have you believe that the universe and everything in it including every person and the whole of each person's environment, with every event, every occurrence, every occasion, both good and bad, together with all human history, its wars, its victories and defeats, its developments and changes, its dynasties and reigns, are in the hands and under the control of a beneficent God, and that 'in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose.'

 

This is what I would have you believe. And I would have you include in this belief the knowledge that this providential supervision of each life, as well as of all history, takes in your personal life and its concerns and affairs and interests and welfare. Your times are in God's hands. Moreover, it is possible for you to be so in harmony with the Will that controls and orders the universe, and the most insignificant atom in it, that your life may follow its prescribed and prearranged course, and fulfill in every detail the purpose and plan God has, and is working out, for you.

 

No man or woman can live a life that is so full, so content, so assured, so secure, so satisfying, as the man or woman who accepts and carries into action such a conviction. If you once believe that a good and all-powerful God has shaped a plan for your life, and is quite able to carry it out if you will bring yourself into harmony with His will, and believe it fully enough to rely on it under all circumstances, and allow nothing to shake your conviction in God's superintending providence for you, your whole outlook on life, on history, on current events, and on your environment will be so changed as to bring to you the most satisfying and most abundant life any man can ever live.

 

To produce this conviction in your mind and belief, I propose only to spread before you the narrative of a life - a life the account of which told in an ancient sheaf of manuscripts, constitutes the most fascinating and impressive tale in the literature of humanity. This is the story of Joseph, son of Jacob.

 

If it means anything to you to arrive at a firm conviction, which will undergird your entire life, that men and nations are in God's hand, that He does according to His will among the people of the earth that 'in everything God works for good with those who love him.' that those who follow Him are not now or ever the helpless victims of environment or circumstances, that circumstances can always be turned into providences because God uses circumstances to bring about His own overruling purpose, that you can have a life and live a life in which nothing goes wrong, and in which all the disciplines of life are allowed to shape and mold you into the person God has in mind to make, made after His own image, in complete harmony with His all-ruling will-then read on."

 

The author then proceeds to tell the story of Joseph in a way that will relate to your own life and give you great courage and security in believing God's involvement and purposes for all that comes into your life and how He would have you live so that you will be blessed by it.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Scorpio Chick

LivingWaterPlease, thank you sooooo much for praying for me!!! I HAVE 'felt' better today. I also, thanks to you, started reading Psalms tonight. THANK YOU, LWP. I am a single mom too, but my daughter moved out this past October, and she is my only. Raising more than one while being a single mom, wow. And going through the harshest financial struggle. A lot of people knock God - why does he do this or allow that - but that author of the book you're talking about, and you taking your time out to post AND pray for a virtual stranger...is because of God. Wow. I am thankful tonight, when same time last night I was a mess. It's amazing. I'm definitely going to find that book.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Scorpio Chick

Hi Buddhist. I tapered off as much as I could, but I didn't have enough pills to taper off the way it is suggested. I had about 3 'brain zaps' and for about 4 days my eyes felt odd, but I think I'm over physical withdrawals. I was on one 10mg a day, but for like 2 years. Reading online about other's withdrawal symptoms, physicallt anyway, I got off easy. However, I do definitely think it may have caused the thoughts, but not entirely. I have had to surrender cats that I absolutely adored and I still really, really miss them. I know they helped me tremendously in dealing with my daughter abruptly and unexpectedly moving out. I was on the fast track to being a certified cat lady with those 3 cats. I realized that when not only did they live with me, but I found myself relaying stories about them to people. I knew for sure it was bad when I found myself starting to relay a little anecdote about them to a cashier at Wal-Mart when I was checking out the ONLY thing I went in there for - cat food. Haha.

 

Thank you Buddhist!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just giving people help. That is all what was done. I do believe in god but I dont go preach it and shove it down peoples throat. I have told some on here to pray. No big deal. some of us who do believe in it on here, forget. we dont know who believes or not on here so some of us just throw it out there bc some forget that it is a tool to help during tough times. whatever works. whether its real or not.

 

I pray with rosary beads at night and wear them to work. It helped me big time with my break up. My ex tore my heart. The more tools we have, the faster we heal and recover. even if you believe in the easter bunny. If that will make you heal, go for it. BUT, you still have to help yourself out. You still have to do the work.

 

All I was saying is that it's unfair to put atheism down to trendiness. I fully respect other peoples' beliefs as long as they're not harmful for them or others.

Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease
LivingWaterPlease, thank you sooooo much for praying for me!!! I HAVE 'felt' better today. I also, thanks to you, started reading Psalms tonight. THANK YOU, LWP. I am a single mom too, but my daughter moved out this past October, and she is my only. Raising more than one while being a single mom, wow. And going through the harshest financial struggle. A lot of people knock God - why does he do this or allow that - but that author of the book you're talking about, and you taking your time out to post AND pray for a virtual stranger...is because of God. Wow. I am thankful tonight, when same time last night I was a mess. It's amazing. I'm definitely going to find that book.

 

I'm so glad to read this, Scorpio Chick! I'm praying for you again today.

 

God has a plan for you God has a plan for your life and will make a way for you in your difficulties as He has for me and countless others who have chosen to put their trust in Him.

 

How are you doing today?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Scorpio Chick

Hi LWP! Thank you yet again! I'm doing much better. I read some more of Psalms and am going to start back reading the Bible. Abandoning that was a huge mistake.

 

I hope you're doing good today, LWP.

 

(((LWP)))

Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease

Awwww, your post made me smile! Yes, I am, thank you! It's a beautiful day here, we are having the best spring ever!

 

I signed onto LS just to check on you! (((((Scorpio Chick))))):)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...