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ex has started calling me because she says she "cares" and thinks about me

Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

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Old 24th February 2005, 11:59 PM   #1
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 48
ex has started calling me because she says she "cares" and thinks about me

My ex that moved away to Mississippi in December started calling me 3 days ago. At first she tells me that things are not going well and she has been staying in a motel room because they got kicked out of their apartment and she also lost her job and since she has been cooped up all day that she has started "thinking" about me and that she "cares" about me. At one point, her current boyfriend was going to call me to come get her (I live in North Carolina btw) because they were fighting and I'm thinking what stopped him, obviously she did. Anyway tonight she calls me just for a minute to just say "hello" while he has stepped out. She tells me that his mother is going to go to rehab and how mean she is to him blah blah, like I give a rats ass you know. He can choke for all I care and so can his mother. She left me for this guy way back in October, basically threw me away like a piece of trash. We had a great relationship and now I get the feeling that I'm relegated to "friends" status, but just whenever she needs me. I asked her about coming back and she says that she needs more time to figure things out and that he deserves another chance. What got her down there was the promise that he changed and that he had a car for her and place to stay. Well anyway he drives the car and she's not allowed to go anywhere without him from what I understand. And what really gets me is that she thinks he deserves another chance, that's basically saying that she's never going to leave him. Oh and last night she says she almost got in trouble because she stayed on the phone too long with me and he almost walked in on her. Now here are some options for me that I thinking about doing because she not only broke my heart, she also thinks that I'm her emotional cushion from him and I'm not going to be.

A: Keep talking to her like a friend in the hope she sees me as the one who truly loved her
B: Call her number back and hope he answers the phone
C: Tell her to get lost
D: Just don't answer the phone

You can do a search on my name to get further details about this realtionship. I will say that he was in jail in Mississippi when she contacted me 5 months after last talking to her. I thought she had truly loved me but as soon as he was about to get out, she dumped me. Now she says she really does care about me and thinks about me, yeah whatever.

Last edited by jimtash; 25th February 2005 at 12:03 AM..
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Old 25th February 2005, 1:16 AM   #2
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My ex left for for somebody else too. Why does everyone describe an ex leaving you for somebody else as being thrown away like trash? You know because it doesn't seem like there is any other proper way to put it. It SUCKS and hurts a lot. Its sort of like a on and off struggle. It's once of the deepest pains you can go through. So much betrayal. The pain goes on and off for me. Most days I am okay and then I can have a few where I feel sorry for myself again--like today. I don't know what to tell you. My ex has not been calling me. He offered for me to call him a few months ago (it's been four months since we broke up) but I never called him and instead told him all the reasons he hurt which I got no reply. So I'm assuming my ex is fairing okay with his home wrecker. But one never knows.

Anyway, darn I know it might be somehow tempting to get right in the middle of this mess that your ex is dropping right into your lap, but I would be VERY cautious. Do you really still love her? Do you really think you could be with her if she dumped that other guy? I think (or maybe it's just me) women would have a much harder time taking back a cheater. I'm not saying you wouldn't have a hard time taking her back too after what she's done to you.....but pride, pride is the hardest thing to part with.

I'd probably answer maybe every three or four calls from her. I might feel tempted to see if there was still a chance, but I'd definately make her know you have your own life. It has been some months since this happened and I am sure you've healed a bit, so it might not drive you over the edge if you are just having infrequent talks with her. But if she keeps hassling you and you really want this situation to be black and white.....(probably the most healthy) I'd tell the girl it's him or you and drop it after that. That's about the best you can do. But then again it might be dangerously tempting to sort of try to coax her away from this guy who came inbetween the two of you. Tough call. And I am only saying that because I have been through this myself (well this is the first time).

If I were you and my ex started doing this to me...I might give him one free phone call to spill his guts, but if he kept calling I'd either tell him to get lost (I think I'd probably do that) or tell him to make sure he's actually single (away from the woman who came between us basically) if he ever wants to negotiate having a friendship with me. But that's just me.

Good luck.
"Love many, trust a few, but learn to paddle your own canoe."
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Old 25th February 2005, 11:14 AM   #3
Join Date: Jun 2004
Posts: 48
She had the nerve to say during the first phone call that she wasn't going to call for a few days so I could get "settled" whatever the hell that means. And what does she do, calls the next day. As for me getting in between them, I'm not worried because they'll do it to each other. If it's getting to the point that he's wanting to call me to get her, then it's pretty much just going to get worse.
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Old 25th February 2005, 7:26 PM   #4
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hmm. obviously you want her back. from a third person point of view, she's bad news. i'd stop contact with her and cut my losses. easier said then done. so, you probably didn't want to hear that.

so, here's what you could do. you gotta stop being too available to her. she'll see this and always use you because she sees you as someone that'll always listen. main word here is listen. you'll only and always be a listener. you gotta break that.

when she calls, just say "hey, what's up" (cheerfully). then say "hey, i actually gotta go, my friend's here. let me call you later" what this does is it makes her be the one that waits for the phone call. and the hard part is not to call her till after 24 hours. i'd say next day but you'd probably wait till 12:01. jk. anyways, i know all this game playing sucks ass and it does, trust me but it has to be done. it's all part of it, wheter you like it or not.

you gotta keep this image of mr. happylife guy to her. i'm not saying be fake but do what you can do. she needs to see you as somebody that has fun. just pretend she's no longer important to you because think about it, why should you be treating her so special when she's not doing the same to you.

just mentally tell yourself that you don't need her. it'll create an image of confidence. she'll either be intrigued or you'll actually get over her. good luck.
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