What is so great about no contact?

[Jess28]

Man I loved and been with 12 years has devastated me. We broke up for about 9 months. Then got back together. Talked for about a month prior to him coming home. About what issues we had, what we would do differently, how much we loved each other... So he came home. We worked everything out. We were so happy again. So blissfully in love. Decided we were ready to get married. Finally had enough savings to have the wedding we desired.

 

2 months into our lives back together, the woman he was seeing called and announced she was pregnant and keeping it. Talk about devastation...

 

His family are public figures. Heavily envolved in the church world. They made it very clear to him that he would lose his family if he didn't make it right. Meaning marry her. He refused to do it. But after constant pressure, anxiety, fear... He decided to do just that. He spent about 6 months with me. During her pregnancy. To ultimately choose to "make it right". I've been with him12 years. I've seen him cry maybe twice. He was balling his eyes out. He feels there is no way out and he must be there for the child.

 

I feel beyond crushed, absolutely devastated. I envision them together doing the things we did. I cry constantly. I dream of him, i wake up to thoughts of missing him... No one compares to him to me. His style, his heart, voice, personality, our bond, friendship, our jokes. I can say i feel I will never get over this. The most traumatizing thing ever. His mistake and carelessness, (although he did show me the messages of their conversations and him confronting her about the fact that she said she was on birth control)... Ultimately she fell in love with him and knew he would be compelled to be with her for the child given his family dynamics.

 

Ultimately none of that matters. What matters to me is I cannot cope with it. I can't make peace in myself with it. I miss him every minute of the day. I love him so much. Words can't even explain. I know this is not what he wants. I almost wish he would have just told me he fell in love with someone else and wasn't in love with me anymore. Instead of knowing first hand how depressed he is about the whole situation. 1.having a child 2. Having a child with a woman you don't love 3. Getting ready to marry this woman 4. Ending a 12 year relationship after coming home and making plans to get married.

 

So many times I feel suicidal. I would have died for that man. I thought we would grow old together. Get married, start a family. And now that is going to be with someone else for him. I feel robbed of my life.

[d0nnivain]

I am so sorry for you. The whole mess is awful. But it's not worth taking your life over.

 

 

I assume you have some faith somewhere, if you were with a man who's family is so publically religious. Talk to your spiritual advisor. I don't know why God put you on this difficult path but there has to be a reason. Hang in there.

[Jess28]

I appreciate your kind words. I have moments where the pain is so bad, so incredible that I wish I could die. No plan or anything. I can't seem to find a way of getting out of denial. I keep imagining this can't be real. It's not possible. I thought there was nothing that could ever really end us for good. But it's real and I can't cope with it.

[d0nnivain]

You can cope with it. You just don't realize your own strength yet.

 

 

In the short term, do some healing things.

 

 

1. Take time to grieve. You still have to go to work but take a weekend & wallow. Cry your eyes out. Watch sad movies. Drown your sorrows in comfort food but come Monday pull on your big girl panties & face the world.

 

 

You won't automatically be happy but the wallowing has to be over.

 

 

2. Rearrange your living space. Move the furniture. Reorient the bed. Change the sheets. Get some new throw pillows. Do stuff so your environment doesn't remind you of him. Make it all yours.

 

 

3. Get a hair cut or a make over. Superficial yes but a positive change. Again, the old you was with him. The new you is getting ready for the next adventure.

 

 

4. Keep busy. Bury yourself in work. Earn Overtime or get a 2nd job. Immerse yourself in a hobby. Get a new hobby. Do include exercise / movement in your day. Endorphins & vitamin D help.

[keiji]

I appreciate your kind words. I have moments where the pain is so bad, so incredible that I wish I could die. No plan or anything. I can't seem to find a way of getting out of denial. I keep imagining this can't be real. It's not possible. I thought there was nothing that could ever really end us for good. But it's real and I can't cope with it.

 

Denial is a very normal stage after recovery. i don't know anyone who accepts that kind of situation straight away, so don't despair. It took a long time for me to accept that my ex-wife had left me for someone else while she was undergoing treatment to get pregnant (from me, I guess . I suggest you to resort to therapy. That will help you understand his behavior a bit more and obviously find devices to deal with the situation and grow out of it.

 

When you're a bit further down the road, you'll probably realize that it's not you who's been pushed into a miserable life, but him. Would you really like to spend the rest of your days with someone who places "family rules/religious criteria" before love? I doubt it, and I'm sure you'll agree as weeks go by.

[Jess28]

This is all much needed advice.

Actually, i packed our apartment up, put everything in storage, and came to Europe. I'm living with my father right now. I just couldn't stay in that home. Too many memories. Too many. I've been trying to work out everyday, explore... It's just thoughts of him consistently and constantly enter my mind. I guess there really isn't anything I can do accept go through it. I despise this hopeless feeling I feel. I despise the heartache.

 

I also can't seem to go more than a day without some sort of contact with him. Whether I'm calling or texting him or vice versus. I think we are trying to cut off contact. It can't be healthy to reminisce and discuss to each other all the hurt we feel and thigs we loved together.

 

How do you go from talking everyday, multiple times a day for 12 years to zero? Is that what I need to be doing? To accept things?

[d0nnivain]

Also take an honest look at him. I know you are heart broken because you lost the love of your life but I don't see the great guy you miss.

 

 

You were together for 12 years. While that is a long time, to me it screams commitment phobe. To be together for more then a decade is ridiculous.

 

 

You say he's so religious. He can't be that religious if he was living in sin with you. At best he's a hypocrite because he slept with her.

 

 

He's a weak coward too. A strong man would have been able to stand up to his family.

 

 

So while you are pining for this amazing guy, the picture you painted here, says let her have him because really he's not worth keeping.

 

 

Finally you are envisioning all this happy lovey dovey picturesque romance. Stop. The reality is a forced marriage & a screaming kid who needs care that he doesn't really want. It sounds more like a living hell. He's there out of a misguided sense of obligation. This is not the idyllic setting of domestic bliss you envision. There is probably a lot of fighting or sequestration. They hide in separate rooms rather than publically show what a stupid decision they made.

[Jess28]

Wow. Thank you ?... Thank you.

[Satu]

I sympathise with your pain.

 

Cheating is in his character.

 

Even without the baby.

 

Even if you were married.

 

I doubt that this is the only time he cheated on you.

 

Take good care of yourself and get all the support you can.

 

 

You have some grieving to do but you'll get through it.

[Jess28]

I have these tremendous urges to call him. If I don't give into them I have such anxiety!

 

I can't even go 1 day without calling or texting! I posted earlier about my story. What is happening to me? Why is my brain holding on and not stopping my need for him? Why can't I let go?

I try so hard not to give in. I try occupying myself with anything and everything but in a split second I give in... I don't understand,

[carhill]

You're detoxing from one of the most powerful chemicals known to humans, the brain chemistry of love and attachment and its loss. Expect it to be a tortuous process. My advice is pretty much the same as with death, take it one day at a time and accept that recovery won't be easy nor brief, but it will come. Having passions and friends to spin each day in a positive manner can help. If you get 'stuck' don't be afraid to seek medical and/or psychological help. 'Stuck', to me would be this same tone months down the road, making little progress in recovery.

 

Back when I got divorced, it took me a couple years to get back to neutral. Seemed like forever

 

You'll get there.

[Redhead14]

I have these tremendous urges to call him. If I don't give into them I have such anxiety!

 

I can't even go 1 day without calling or texting! I posted earlier about my story. What is happening to me? Why is my brain holding on and not stopping my need for him? Why can't I let go?

I try so hard not to give in. I try occupying myself with anything and everything but in a split second I give in... I don't understand,

 

Resolve, acceptance and self-control . . .

 

Remember, every time you do this, you prolong the pain. You may get some kind of temporary relief but all it really does is compound it going forward.

 

Positive self-talk as soon as you start to get that urge -- I am a strong woman, I want to be happy and not waste time and energy on something that is past and that I have no control over.

 

Some people find it useful when they have the urge to call their EX, to call and make an appointment for something they've been putting off -- car repair, doctor appointment. Call for a nail appointment or hair appointment. Call anybody but the EX! Call your Mom, sister, friend.

[TaraMaiden2]

I have these tremendous urges to call him. If I don't give into them I have such anxiety!

 

I can't even go 1 day without calling or texting! I posted earlier about my story. What is happening to me? Why is my brain holding on and not stopping my need for him? Why can't I let go?

I try so hard not to give in. I try occupying myself with anything and everything but in a split second I give in... I don't understand,

 

Experts and psychologists "in the know" have stated and proven that the location of the brain badly affected by drug withdrawal ('Cold Turkey') is the same area (virtually) as that affected by the termination of a relationship.

So the 'anxiety' you are feeling is exactly the same tremor of panic felt by a drug addict who is intent on withdrawing from taking the drugs they've depended on for so long.

 

Just as love at its best is explained by fMRI scans, so, too, is love at its worst. In 2010 the team who first used fMRI scanning to connect love and the caudate nucleus set out to observe the brain when anger and hurt feelings enter the mix. They gathered a group of individuals who were in the first stages of a breakup, all of whom reported that they thought about their rejecter approximately 85 percent of their waking hours and yearned to reunite with him or her. Moreover, all of these lovelorn reported “signs of lack of emotion control on a regular basis since the initial breakup, occurring regularly for weeks or months. This included inappropriate phoning, writing or e-mailing, pleading for reconciliation, sobbing for hours, drinking too much and/or making dramatic entrances and exits into the rejecter’s home, place of work or social space to express anger, despair or passionate love.” In other words, each of these bereft souls had it bad....

 

They were still addicted. As they viewed images of their rejecters, regions of the brain were activated that typically fire in individuals craving and addicted to drugs. Again, no different from someone addicted to—and attempting a withdrawal from—nicotine or cocaine.

From here.

 

Basically, what you have to do, when you find yourself almost physically incapable of resistance, is to do something - anything - else that is time-consuming and absorbing.

Go for a run.

Wash up.

Vacuum the floor.

Wash your windows.

Clear out your closet.

Polish your shoes.

Sew.

Knit.

Call anyone else and tell them that unless they can keep you talking for 15 minutes, you're going to do something really stupid.

 

Be creative.

But help yourself.

[Jess28]

Wow you guys really comforted me tonight! If only I could have you guys with me throughout the day for the next several months or however long! Just slap the phone out of my hand and tell me I deserve better. For me it's not even day by day yet. It's like hour by hour. ?? torturous.

[SixxChick]

When you're a bit further down the road, you'll probably realize that it's not you who's been pushed into a miserable life, but him.

 

Put this on your bathroom mirror. I just did.

[TaraMaiden2]

Wow you guys really comforted me tonight! If only I could have you guys with me throughout the day for the next several months or however long! Just slap the phone out of my hand and tell me I deserve better. For me it's not even day by day yet. It's like hour by hour. torturous.

 

But... but.... but....

 

... You HAVE!!

 

That's precisely what we're here for! Every time you get the desperate urge to contact him - tell us - then do something from the list above - but distract yourself.

 

Apparently, the initial craving lasts around 7 - 10 minutes - if you can resist that for that long - while doing something else - you will get through this quicker than you ever imagined!

 

But you must block yourself from every avenue possible, of contacting him - even if it means taking your FB profile down, changing your phone number and losing every detail of his.

 

Like I said - we most certainly CAN help you - but you MUST help yourself, too!

 

*slaps 'phone out of Jess28's hand*...!

[carhill]

OP, there's a sticky thread at the top of this forum which exists to assist people who are coping with relationship loss and feel like venting or otherwise expressing things which their choice to embrace no contact denies them with an ex.....

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/556556-no-contact-support-thread-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex

 

It's not really a discussion thread, rather a place to get stuff out. Give it a whirl if the mood strikes. Good luck!

[Satu]

Keep posting, as much as you want, whenever you want.

[Jess28]

I had a dream about my ex last night. Not the horrible ones I've been having. This was just him and I driving together...

 

When I awoke there was a text message from him that he was finally going to go be with this woman tomorrow. He's been avoiding her for months. Well he's finally going.

 

I don't know why, but knowing that has taken my breath away and I can't catch my breath. It's like someone just put a huge weight on my chest. My stomach is in knots and I feel like I could throw up. My mind is spinning. After 12 years!!!! Of loving and supporting him!!! I just can't BARE THIS PAIN I FEEL. Crushed, absolutely so crushed. I can't breathe.

 

I want to call him and scream and cry and tell

Him how bad he's broken my heart and my soul over this. I want to tell remind him of how much I loved him when he was unlovable and when he had no one!!

Edited March 12, 2016 by Jess28

[Emaize3]

Wait, he texted you out of the blue to tell you that he's going to be with another woman??

[preraph]

This wouldn't have happened if you'd cut him off when you broke up. You'd have moved on by now. You need to finally tell him you can't be friends, that it's holding you back, because it is, and stop looking at anything about him, face reality, and move on. Sorry, I do know it's hard.

[preraph]

I'm sorry for your pain and it will get better if you make it get better. But I agree that you simply have not been seeing this relationship objectively. In reality, 12 years and no real commitment. It wasn't going to happen or it would have happened. Then there's the sort of veneer of religiosity. Sorry, but that's not a virtue, doing things for superficial reasons. You do need to cut him totally off and give yourself a chance to develop a new life.

[Heatemyheart89]

Hello Jess

I can imagine the pain, the absolute agony you feel. But you have has a sweet sweet escape. I know it is hard to bare, 12 years, 12 months or 12 days... it is all in the past and and some point you will feel better.

 

Take care

[Jess28]

He and I were together from age 15-28. I think my attachment to him is of course an unhealthy one. I gave him most of my teenage years as well as my twenties. When that was the time I should have been discovering who I was.

 

Everything I do, everything I think is in many ways a reflection of him...

 

What adds to my depression is I'm 28 years old now. I know I have many years left but what disturbs me is I've been left with nothing to show from so many years together. I wonder if I would be coping better had I had a child or children to love and take care of. All I ever ever wanted was a family and children.

 

Now Going through such a devastating breakup at 28 when really I should have been looking to plan my wedding and prepare for children, now I have to cope with this loss. All of the years invested in this man. All of the plans we had, the children I envisioned having... Gone. God only knows how long this is going to take to get over. Then Try to meet someone new, fall in love, (these are not at all easy tasks btw) get married, then have kids. I mean there is a time clock on a woman. I just feel I've been robbed of everything. Especially having children. I'm very depressed. Very depressed.

He literally took everything I ever wanted and gave to another woman. I mean, how does someone just accept that and move on? I feel like I need to check myself in some where and get on serious medication at this point.

[keiji]

I'm ONLY 28 years old now.

 

Fixed.

 

Last time I spoke to my ex-girlfriend, she said all her future plans had been destroyed by our breakup (marriage, kids, etc; she's ONLY 28 as well). Isn't it a bit too early to think that all your dreams have been shattered?

 

As I said before, perhaps you should start therapy. It will never do any harm to try to know yourself a bit better and more importantly, to stop thinking about meeting and falling in love with someone and start falling in love with yourself. That's what I'm trying, and hey, I find myself pretty desirable lately