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giving space or moving on?


codelock

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I've been seeing someone for awhile and we've been very close friends for 2 years. For the last several months I've been seeing him almost every day. We even went travelling overseas together for a month. He's an introvert and the type that needs space. However, during this time he didn't mention it and seemed really happy. A few weeks ago he moved into a new place and we got space. We went from seeing each other almost every day to once or twice a week. The first week that he moved, we had a bit of a fight due to a misunderstanding. We worked it out, but last week things got really bad. He got really angry because he hasn't had any space and now wants unlimited space. Meaning he wants to take as much space he needs but doesn't want to give me a definite time period. I told him that if he does this, I'll likely resent him for it. I don't mind giving him as much space as he needs, but he needs to check in every so often and not leave me hanging.

 

This argument went really badly and for the first time in 2 years, I yelled at him and he yelled back at me. We never yell at each other so this was bad. I got so angry I even tossed over a table. I didn't push the table towards him and I wasn't trying to hurt him, I was just frustrated. He's very understanding and doesn't seem bothered by it, but I do feel guilty as I've never been the type to yell or act out during an argument. I'm planning to give him space in a couple of weeks (we have prior commitments that mean we need to see each other a couple of times a week till March) but I'm not sure what I can do past this?

 

I'm also pretty upset about the unlimited space thing. Any thoughts on this? I also feel really guilty about the way I behaved during the argument and any thoughts or opinions would be great. Thank you!

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He wants space and wants it bad enough to get into a fight about it, so I think his good dating behavior is now over and you're finding out who he really is. What you're seeing now is the person he can sustain being, not the one who really wants to get a girlfriend and is willing to go out of his comfort zone to get one. I've heard some guys say they can only keep up the good behavior for a month or two before they just wear out and show their real self, but others have said it can take a couple of years, like in your case. The truth is what you are seeing is the real him, not the one who was trying to impress in the early days. You can't hope to get the person he was before back. This is the latest version.

 

I've turned over a chair or two myself, but fortunately I did it at a punk bar so no one thought it was unusual, but I would just add that if you feel you have some flash anger that you are unable to control, an anger management course that teaches you to understand that anger = fear will likely help take the edge off that.

 

He may have already decided he can't meet your needs going forward and simply be tearing himself away. Whatever obligations you have, I can't imagine that you couldn't cancel them if you really wanted to. He sounds like he feels very trapped. And you sound like you need more attention than he's ever going to be able to give. Hope things get better for you soon.

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