Emilia Posted February 5, 2016 Share Posted February 5, 2016 This isn't really about coping with a break up but more trying to understand unusual behaviour down the line. Why would someone you briefly dated years ago and have had on/off friendliness going on (no sex, both of us dated others) would want you in his life when he is in a relationship? To discuss some life changing decisions he feels he can't discuss with his current girlfriend? This guy put up quite a fight when I said that wasn't appropriate for someone in a relationship and that he had to focus on her. He seemed quite incredulous and we had a big argument (we had tons of arguments over the years). Sex hasn't been on the table for like 5 years so it's not that. I don't understand why he would want me to stick around so badly? Anyone with similar experience? He is gone now, it took me 4 days to make him go. I mean I get that some see you as a friend but why fight? Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 Sounds like he now views you like a friend or family member and is leaning on you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted February 6, 2016 Author Share Posted February 6, 2016 Thanks preraph. I think you are right, it's the leaning that confused me. He did that very quickly when we had a sexual relationship, I had forgotten that. It was the main reason I had trouble with dating him and it explains his anger over the years. I never got why he stayed angry for such a long time. It's the leaning, thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 I have a friend like this. She thinks after a School RS we had she can talk to me about anything. My RS etc. She can`t, i cut her off last year. She said because we have known each other most of our lives she can tell me anything and i can do the the same. People move on. Some don`t. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted February 6, 2016 Author Share Posted February 6, 2016 Some people are just crap with boundaries. Sure all of us make mistakes, etc but usually after a short while you adjust to the other person, don't you. It's been harder for me to cut people off who show love and affection but basically don't know when to stop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 He saw you as a friend and someone who would give him good advice, but you saw him as an ex and got uppity, and so he being a bit peeved at being rebuffed, got angry. He stuck around as I guess he really DID need your advice and was trying to get you to ditch the angst... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted February 6, 2016 Author Share Posted February 6, 2016 I gave him the advice, he is still free to use my contacts and he knows that, he isn't suffering. I introduced him to my accountant, etc. I don't know any man on this planet apart from this guy who would try to fight for some kind of friendship with an 'ex'. In my experience whether they feel rebuffed or not, they respect the decision. I think if you expect another person just to freely give and be available, there is something wrong with you.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 6, 2016 Share Posted February 6, 2016 If he starts getting in the way of your keeping a man, you'll have to tell him straight up this isn't working for you. Watch out in case he's one of the many who don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you. I call them collectors. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted February 6, 2016 Author Share Posted February 6, 2016 Thanks preraph! I've already cut contact with him for good. I don't keep collectors and orbiters. The reason I posted this thread is that I knew it was a boundaries issue but couldn't quite put a finger on what it was. You reminded me of his habit of leaning that I had forgotten about because we dated a long time ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 Sex hasn't been on the table for like 5 years so it's not that. I don't understand why he would want me to stick around so badly? Anyone with similar experience? He is gone now, it took me 4 days to make him go. I mean I get that some see you as a friend but why fight? If he's fighting that hard to get you to stick around, then there's a need he's got that's hard to fill - and you fill it. I tend to view you as a wise, self contained sort of personality Emilia. Might he be lacking in the areas you're strong in, hence his desire to keep you in his life for guidance? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 If he's fighting that hard to get you to stick around, then there's a need he's got that's hard to fill - and you fill it. I tend to view you as a wise, self contained sort of personality Emilia. Might he be lacking in the areas you're strong in, hence his desire to keep you in his life for guidance? You are too kind Taramere. Yes in some ways. I put him up in my spare room in the past when he was in trouble and the reason he wanted to discuss his future is that he did something very stupid I can't mention here. I went over his options on the phone with him, he also has my LinkedIn email to find me because there are a couple of contacts that can help him out. The offer to help out still stands, it costs me nothing. He has always leaned on me like this it's just that I had forgotten. Wouldn't matter except that he doesn't repay kindness with kindness and there are aspects of his personality I have problems with. The reason why he gets into trouble is that he is impulsive and doesn't respect boundaries. Mine either. You see why that's an issue. Especially as what I told you about my mother. I have been purging people with boundary issues. I also object to supplementing someone's relationship. I know we all have friends we talk to but generally if I keep in touch with an ex or any friend it's because we both give and take. I don't do one-sided stuff. Does this make sense? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted February 8, 2016 Share Posted February 8, 2016 He has always leaned on me like this it's just that I had forgotten. Wouldn't matter except that he doesn't repay kindness with kindness and there are aspects of his personality I have problems with. The reason why he gets into trouble is that he is impulsive and doesn't respect boundaries. Mine either. You see why that's an issue. Especially as what I told you about my mother. I have been purging people with boundary issues. I also object to supplementing someone's relationship. I know we all have friends we talk to but generally if I keep in touch with an ex or any friend it's because we both give and take. I don't do one-sided stuff. Does this make sense? Yes, of course. I think that would be to his benefit too. He needs to give as well as take, otherwise he just becomes a parasite - which isn't good for his self respect. You're sensible to impose a boundary discouraging that kind of he takes, you give dynamic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilia Posted February 8, 2016 Author Share Posted February 8, 2016 Yes, of course. I think that would be to his benefit too. He needs to give as well as take, otherwise he just becomes a parasite - which isn't good for his self respect. You're sensible to impose a boundary discouraging that kind of he takes, you give dynamic. That's not to say he doesn't try and he IS much younger but still. Link to post Share on other sites
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