What a month.

[Unknowing]

Well, as you will see at the bottom of this message, I wanted for people to know, I don't have any idea

why I choose to post it here, but, I need too I guess. I guess it wasn't enough to just write it down in notepad.

I don't know if I expect any replies, I just, need to get it out a step further than writing and deleting.

I know alot of it doesn't even make any sense, it's just something I needed to get out when I woke up tonight.

I wrote it in notepad but it feels like I need to get it a step further.

 

What a god damned month. They say a good start of the new year is important.

In that case... I'm just **** out of luck. No one should have to go through

what me and my friends have gone through. And just as I feel that it's coming

of my chest and that I can really start having fun and thinking about other

things again, I'm told by the one I love that she doesn't know what she

feels about me.

 

I can't cope with anything more now, I'm serious. If I go any lower now,

I won't be able to come back up again. If I could only wake up in the cabin,

knowing it's the first day of the year again... yeah... I'd give anything to

wake up and realize it's all a dream.

 

Just got another hour of sleep... guess that's how it's gonna be for a while,

one hour before I wake up crying. Tonight I didn't dream about the accident,

and not about the **** that has happened later either. I just dreamt that I

was lying in bed with my beutiful girlfriend, and all was well, and that all

the **** that had happened was just a dream. When I woke up and realized that

reality is very much reality... I felt like I hit the bottom. Yeah, I'm at the

bottom, and it doesn't feel like I'll be coming back up for a while.

 

Five more days left of this god forgoten month, I just wish nothing else

happens, I can't handle any more of this **** now.

 

I might have a job coming now atleast. I hope I can handle it, I think I will,

it will just be less hours a day for thinking. Thinking, I can't think anymore.

I try to see where it went wrong between me and Maria. I can't see it,

I wonder if it was never genuine... maybe I was just a substitute for her

broken relationship. God damn it, she said she loved me, oh to hear her say

that again. I think she still wants to be friends with me, hell, I don't know

if I can do that, I just love her too much to be her friend. Well, it's not

over yet, atleast not official. I just wish she'd wake up in a few hours and

realize she still loves me and that she want to focus on our relationship.

I'd need that now damnit. But, to be realistic, next time we meet and talk

we'll break up. She'll need time to figure out alot of things, and among those

what she feels about me.

 

For 21 years I was afraid to get involved with anyone, I took the step and

well... I wish I would have waited another 21 years. No I don't. The two

months with Maria has been the best two months in my life, and I have even

felt that it never was fully good. If we could have a relationship where we

both know what we feel and none of us had to handle **** like the accident

and what not, I think I'd be the happiest man alive. But as it is and, to be

honest, probably will be, I'm just devastated.

 

I'm afraid to tell anyone how bad I feel, because if someone told me they felt

like this, I'd be afraid they'd attempt suicide. I don't have anything like

that in my mind, I couldn't do that to those around me. But still, if anyone

knew how bad I feel they would probably worry. Appart from when I was a child

I don't think I've ever felt sorry for myself, but I can't help it now.

 

There is someone I can talk to atleast, my "shrink". She was "assigned" to me

after the accident, talking to her has been wonderfull, next time I talk to

her I gotta let her know how much it meens to be able to do so.

 

The accident, yeah, I was involved with an accident. A 13-year-old girl died.

I was in the car that ran her over. It was me, Maria, her cusin, her boyfriend

and another friend. The other guy was behind the wheel. He attempted suicide

a couple of weeks later. Yeah, what a month. It has made me hit the bottom,

and I can't see a way to climb back up again. If only one good thing could

happen, maybe it would present me with a way to get back on my feet. I was

thinking about getting some beers or some liquir so I could get drunk and not

have to think so much. But, I'm afraid it would either make it worse or feel

so good I'd get stuck with it.

 

Another hour has past, another year. It's been little more than 3 weeks since

the accident, but it feels like 10 years. A week ago I'd say it felt like 2

years, but since I realized it's bad between me and Maria every hour feels

like a lifetime, I'm just sitting around, waiting for something to happen,

anything, that can maybe take my mind of things, give me a new footing and

something to fight for. Ofcourse, I know what I'd want. If me and Maria could

work things out I'd be at the top again. Not that I'd forget about the

accident, but she's that wonderfull. But, I don't think it's likely that that

happens this hour or the next, if it ever will. So I guess I'll have to go on,

put one foot infront of the other, tho I see no use, because I have nowhere to

go, there is nowhere I wanna go. But I can't stay like this, I'll break if I

don't get out of this soon. Maybe if all this had happened spread out over a

year I'd be fine anyway. But it has all happened in less then a month.

 

I want to show this to someone, but, I gotta be honest with myself, no one

wants to hear about how bad I feel. But still, it feels like I want someone

to know, tho I can't show it to anyone I know.

 

I've stoped crying, maybe I should try to get another hour of sleep.

 

In case this would get in the wrong hands, for the sake of the other 4,

i've changed my girlfriends name, it's not really Maria.

[ImKris]

I am so incredibly sorry.... wow... what a horrible situation to have to go through. I'm glad your seeing a doctor and that it's helping you to feel better. You seem like your on the right track to getting better because you have hope. I realize how sad and depressed your feeling but as long as there is the slightest bit of hope, you can make it through this. It will be a while and maybe a long while but you can come out of this.

 

Maria is probably feeling a lot like you and until everyone involved in that accident can come to grips, communication will be hard. Try to understand that all of you are reeling in the aftermath of a personal tragedy and that each of you will be dealing with it in your individual ways. Find patience for you and your friends.

 

I can't imagine how awful it must have been and still is. I can't imagine how you and the others are feeling but, I do now that talking it out will help so keep talking and don't lose hope.

 

You'll be in my prayers.

[Unknowing]

Well, now it's officialy over between me and Maria. Learned a few not so flattering things about her and the past week but, I'll keep them too myself. She's treated me like crap the past week... but I still love her madly. She says she aint sure what she feels about me. Still hoping it will eventualy work out, guess she'll just need time.

 

Not feeling all too well. As I said, it's been a month full of hardships. I'm afraid I'll go back to my antisocial kind of life again now. Maria's cusin and her boyfriend are the only friends I feel I can open up to. And well, that feels strange aswell.

 

Maria was a way for me to restart my life, too bad it had to end like this, lost all the footing.