Don't be the victim in this

[luck1978]

Hi guys, I have been on here for a while after a blindsided walk out from my wife. I have had no contact for 5 weeks, which I must say was hellish, as you are only left with yourself and your thoughts which can be very tough. However going through this hell does allow you to work through things on your own which essentially is what you have to get used to doing now. To màintain NC for me is impossible as we have a house and have to discuss things- but the period of NC got me into the position where I am tougher.

 

One area I thought I would share that many of us seem to be in here is getting out of a particular mindset, the mindset of being a victim. Now yes we are victims in the literal sense as we have been the the victim of being dumped and are now the victims of the aftermath. But you have to get yourself out of the mindset, otherwise your pain will continue. How do you do this?

 

Well first of all ask yourself if you now really want to continue being in the relationship with someone who :

A: does not want to be with you - this should be the first criteria when you are in a relationship

B: is unpredictable (yes he or she is unpredictable if you were dumped with little or no understanding why)and therefore untrustworthy.

C: you do not know them anymore- unfortunately you knew the person well who loved you, but now I'm afraid you do not know this person well at all as otherwise you would have total understanding of the reasons for breakup. The happy memories you had are with an older different version of that person who no longer exists anymore, the new person is someone who has changed and is no longer compatible with you.

 

Now stop defining yourself as the victim here and see that actually continuing with that person would be toxic, do not let the mindset define you as it can send you in to the abyss.

Focus on yourself and take charge of the reality, be pro active and define yourself on how well you will grow and improve from this. It is not easy but you will do it with a change of approach, believe me. You define yourself and you define your healing. Not the dumper!

 

Yes allow yourself to be happy, sad and crazy but as soon as the feeling of being a victim starts take control remember to take control back. It takes discipline but you can do it and I know I will too ;-)

Edited November 12, 2015 by luck1978

[Deadmeat]

Thank you for this. Just what I needed

[artnoveau]

Thank you so much!

This is so helpful and is also just what I needed.

[Chronotrgr]

Excellent post, completely agree, thankfully I can't classify myself as a victim, I mean I am kind of, my ex kicked me out but wanted to remain in the relationship, I ended it soon after as I just couldn't see how it would work, the fact that she would even contemplate kicking me out and the way she did it made me lose all respect and trust that I had in her, sadly now I wouldn't and couldn't go back there if she cried and begged me to, she has become very emotionally unstable in recent months and I hardly recognise her anymore, I've never ended a relationship in my life so I guess that tells you all you need to know about my mind set and how much of a hopeless case everything became, No Contact is always the best route if your just looking to move on and forget, and its still one of the best route's for winning someone back but that all depends on the situation, frankly, if she don't come running when your in the midst of the long walk then she was never really worth it in the first place.