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abandonment coping..still can't deal


hopelessromanticchic

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hopelessromanticchic

I seem to always end up here at loveshack when I can no longer keep it together. There's no one I can talk about these things.

 

Anywho, about a year ago I got my heart broken by someone who I truly cared about. I'm not going to go into detail about it but he ended up "disappearing" out of my life one day. Didn't get to talk about the issue we had or say bye to each other, nothing. A couple months later he reappeared like nothing happened. Still until this day we haven't talked about it and we havnt seen each other either since but he still randomly texts me when he's bored asking what I'm doing and sometimes he would say he misses me but never asks to hang out or anything.

 

Well when he left. This feeling of a loss and abandonment feeling stayed with me. Ever since I can't find any type of happiness. I'm always afraid any guy I start talking to will abandon me just like he did. And the worst thing Is that it actually happens. The guys I've talked to since him dissappear out of nowhere. And each time this happens I become depressed even if I only talked to them for a couple weeks.

 

I get attached to people very quickly. I don't know how to prevent that. I'll start falling back to not get attached but when I do that I start to notice the guy not texting me anymore like at the beginning. I was thinking maybe they think I'm playing games with them but honestly I just don't want to get hurt. This issue I have is not something I can tell them about when we first talk. I feel like if I'm trying to overcome this issue there's no point of talking about it or over thinking it. They might not understand or might think I'm weird.

 

I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I want I don't want to feel this way everytime. I decide to not talk to any guy at all and someone always comes in my life to ruin that little bit of happiness and peace I have gained. Is there any of you here who have felt that abandonment /loss feeling at some point and has affected your life for a while? How do you make it go away, if it's possible?

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StalwartMind

I think it is difficult to fully enjoy anything, if you can't be yourself plus at least have some level of trust. This may not be comforting at all but it is however the reality of life. Everyone can potentially disappear, breakup, change opinion at any given point for any reason whatsoever. Just because that's a fact, doesn't mean that everyone will. I and I'm sure many others, like to consider ourselves for being reliable and trustworthy people. No matter what though it is always ideal that you learn to protect yourself so you don't get disappointed or hurt to the point where you don't function.

 

In that sense I think it's perfectly alright to always be cautiously skeptical of others, but you also shouldn't let it hold you back from doing things you would like. Perhaps you feel you can't open up to someone new with the struggles you are going through, but I know that many people actually wouldn't mind if that is one of the first things you bring up. Everyone is different so don't underestimate the compassion and understanding other people are capable of.

 

Embrace that you can grow attached to things and people, even if it happens fast. Yes it can be terrible to lose things you've grown very fond of, but rather do the things that make you feel alive than be too scared to even attempt again. A lot of humans will potentially disappoint you but vice versa many might surprise you positively too. If you can learn to control your thoughts by accepting that people are different, and find the ability to believe in yourself, then finding someone who would love to enjoy a long life with you becomes a bit easier.

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hopelessromanticchic

Thank you StalwartMind for your kind words. Maybe you're right. Telling them about my issue might make them understand me better. I just don't know how to do that that's the problem. I've tried different methods when I first talk to someone. None work best lol its the same outcome each time so in my mind I'm like OK this guy is going be here only for a couple days might as well start getting prepared for it again. So I become depressed. If they make some type of interest move when I have checked out this is when I become attached. But then once I'm putting down my wall and start acting interested they pushback, or it might be just in my head and the falling back cycle begins again. It's so exhausting for me.

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The way to make the feelings of abandonment go away is to promise never to abandon yourself. Our lives are enriched by the relationships around us no doubt. But there are no guarantees.

 

At the end of the day, or at the end of your life, you may find that you are simply left with yourself. If you can reach the point where you honestly feel that that isn't such a terrible thing? No more feelings of abandonment.

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hopelessromanticchic

Mr Scorpio,

I keep telling myself that at the end of the day all I have is myself. I told my friend who considers herself my "best friend" that I was feeling depressed again and she asked why and I told her I didn't know that it comes and goes. Maybe she had no words of comfort but she never replied back to me. This is when I become sad and feel alone.

 

I took StalwartMind's advice and told the guy I'm currently talking to about my issue. I told him that I liked him and when I like someone I quickly become attached and have abandonment issues but that I didn't want to scare him off having him think I need him feeding me attention in order for me to feel wanted. I mean I like security but I let him know I didn't like forcing people into anything or stress them out more than they are. He said to not worry that he wouldn't leave me hanging that he would keep me close.

 

I thought that after telling him that I would feel better but I dont. I was thinking about how long I've been miserable for and how I have been so angry and distant with a lot of people is because I'm not happy. This is the worst feeling I've ever felt. Today I realized it roots back to my father's abandonment when I was younger. I was aware of what happened so I didn't think it would affect me in the long run but it has.

 

I just want it gone. I wish it was easier. I want to feel free and happy.

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At least you have a best friend and a few guys who talk to you. Some people have it worse.

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StalwartMind

I can more than understand you just want the issue gone. It's rough when you in adulthood struggle with issues that have roots all the back to your childhood. I have a friend who who has come a long way from when I first met her, but every now and then the emotions of past disappointment still find the way to the present.

 

While people like to approach things differently, I do believe that surrounding yourself with love, positive people and support is a fantastic way to overcome or at least make your current situation better. Also while it was be wonderful if we could get rid almost instantly of things that bother us, in most cases it is a longer process to strengthen your mind so that you can deal with whatever obstacle is in front of you.

 

Don't be discouraged that something doesn't always have the immediate impact that you are hoping for. I naturally can't mend your wounds, as it is a process we all have to do on our own. However that doesn't mean that we can't and shouldn't be inspired by those around us. We all have the capability to get better, to improve ourselves. Unfortunately many people either feel it's impossible or have convinced themselves that things won't get better within a reasonable amount of time, where they deem it must happen.

 

Trust does play a large role in anything we do. It can be difficult to believe, especially when we've mostly or only experienced negative events, however even such is possible to overcome. This naturally may mean very little, but I believe in you, purely because I know and have seen and still see people change into something beautiful that they desire to become. This may all be very kind to hear, as it is meant, but there is no reason for me think otherwise. Learn to observe and value consistency in other humans, it is such an attractive quality to feel and see someone commit themselves to honoring such values. These are the people that I would always believe is worth keeping around you, granted again it is something that is proved over time.

 

If you can somehow come to terms with it being alright that things take awhile, in some cases a long while before you feel and see a significant difference, then I do think you have a high chance of ending up exactly where it is you want to be, both mentally and physically.

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Well when he left. This feeling of a loss and abandonment feeling stayed with me. Ever since I can't find any type of happiness. I'm always afraid any guy I start talking to will abandon me just like he did. And the worst thing Is that it actually happens. The guys I've talked to since him dissappear out of nowhere. And each time this happens I become depressed even if I only talked to them for a couple weeks.

 

I get attached to people very quickly. I don't know how to prevent that.

 

I just don't know anymore. I don't know what I want I don't want to feel this way everytime.

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I was abandoned repeatedly by my father since I was six. I could go back into my whole childhood story but that would be both terrifying and boring.

 

So.

 

Here is the thing. Life is hard and filled with suffering and disappointment. I don't know anyone who is happy for any significant period of time. There might be happy people but I don't know them.

 

When you get abandoned you realize you can't trust anybody. And that is a scary feeling. Right now you're hurting like a little child who's lost everything. You're not alone so many adults feel this way. Lots.

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hopelessromanticchic

StalwartMind,

I guess because I've been feeling like this for so long now I just can't wait till its over. And when it doesn't I get even more disappointed and each time it's worst and hurts more. My depression doesn't go away it just calms down for a bit. When this happens I enjoy being alone being around too many people gives me anxiety and I feel insecure and out of place. I decide to not talk to any guy to avoid any emotions. Once I become emotionally attached to someone is when the craziness starts. Trusting issues kick in and i become afraid they will wake up one day and not think of me anymore. Or they might have gone out one night and met someone alot more amazing than me who is sane lol

 

They say you shouldn't bring your old baggage into your new journey; however I was reading other abandonment posts on LS and someone mentioned something that turned the bulb on. They said that people like me who suffer from abandonment issues obviously in result of a previous disappointment/loss by a family or an ex, tend to rewrite the their past with the new person. We tend to be attracted to the same type of person who broke our hearts and do things a little different but in the end it's the same outcome because we're not changing anything just different order. We always look for someone who isn't emotionally available for us.

 

I realized this is very true. I do this. Maybe I'm noticing it now that I'm getting older that the abandonment may root to my father and now I'm feeling it with the guys I have met. In someway or another these guys have something in common they only come in my life temporarily. I try to fill this void I have and try to reenact with the new guy what could have been with the last one to see if I did it a different way if it could have worked out. No matter what as long as I keep bringing this "guy" in my life I will always end up in the same position. It's like I'm stuck in a time machine like in the movies, you're staying put and you see these events passing you by to your left and your right. Everyone else is moving but I'm not. I still end up feeling unhappy.

 

Previously I mentioned I was talking to this new guy and I told him about my issue and I felt no relief in it. Well, I haven't heard from him today at all. He did mention yesterday that he is stressing about alot of things at the moment like work, buying a new car, upcoming vacation next month and moving. I understand he might be busy but an "I hope you have a nice day" text would be nice after I opened up to him don't you think?

 

But then again that's why I didn't really feel good after I had told him about my problem because I had a feeling he would switch up on me. It's the same cycle everytime. But I keep letting these people in my life.

 

Brigit, yes I do feel childish. As kids we think adults are supposed to know how to handle every situation. I still think that of my parents especially my mom. I'm 26 years old but I feel older at the same time I feel like a kid again who doesn't know how to put her life in order and can't keep a man.

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StalwartMind

Makes sense what you wrote about ending up re-writing the past and be attracted to the same type of person. I also know this isn't just isolated to people who've faced abandonment, in fact a lot of people tend to repeat the same "mistakes".

 

On a curious note, I actually do wonder why this is the case. Even if attraction is widely different, there must be a disconnect within us that causes an illogical choice to be made. You would think people in general should be a lot better at communication, such as this guy who hasn't responded since you told him. Truth is that everyone have a completely different idea of how to go about it. I would agree with you that a simple text would be nice.

 

I do understand that eventually every conversation dies out, but a ping pong connection back and forth seems very respectable to me. Unless you have hundreds of friends and family to respond to every day, everyone can make time to give a simple reply. The emphasis on can as most just deem something not that important. Either way we all benefit of having people around us that are positive energies and perhaps can fill out holes in us that we need.

 

While impossible and perhaps even silly to say, there are many people I wish I could show what reliable means. This of course means consistently being there for someone, in best case for life. I'm not sure what the best approach is for you to do, or other people in your situation. Depression, doubts, fears are all issues that I wish upon no one. Since I'm not every other person, it is hard to know how difficult it would be for someone to change a core part of their personality. You ideally need to be around people that share the same views and values and who can give you the desired comfort on every level. Maybe a key part to widening one's attraction of others is through an open mind. It most certainly gives me a large appreciation of various people and things, but naturally no guarantee it would be the same for others.

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Hopelessromanticchic,

 

I completely relate, because I tend to have these exact same issues about abandonment/loss as well. Firstly, I think it's perfectly normal for feelings of loss/abandonment at the end of a relationship to affect the rest of your life, so don't be hard on yourself about it. The duration of the relationship is irrelevant to the amount of hurt you feel, and the amount of time it takes to get over someone (and it's totally ok to be upset about losing someone after 2 weeks. It once took me over a year to truly get over a guy I dated for only a month.) And yeah, sometimes I do think like you do about being sick of feeling that way. But at the end of the day, as cliched as it sounds, I always think it's better to take the bad times with the good, than never to have had the good times at all. Unfortunately there's no magic pill to make this type of pain go away (if there was, this forum wouldn't exist!) But you sound young, and I suggest that if you're starting to feel that the abandonment/loss is happening a bit too frequently, then maybe become more selective about the people you choose to date and form a connection with.

 

I also suggest googling something called "Anxious attachment style" or "attachment theory" as it sounds like you might benefit from reading up on it. Like this article:

 

Understanding Ambivalent/Anxious Attachment

 

In a nutshell, everyone has an "attachment style" that's mostly determined by your relationship with your parents when you were a child. People who have a "secure attachment style" likely grew up with parents who showed a healthy amount of love and affection towards their kids. These kids grow up to have healthy relationships where they're trusting and not clingy, and also are able to communicate their feelings well to their partners. However, kids who grew up in families where parents were either absent, abusive or simply didn't show much affection, may develop "attachment styles" on either side of secure, which are "anxious", and "avoidant". The anxious ones have a fear of abandonment by partners, and tend to get attached to people easily. Avoidants, on the opposite end of the continuum, tend to avoid being close to their partners and have a difficult time communicating and opening up when the relationship has issues. These are the people more likely to just "disappear" when things go pear shaped.

 

So "anxious" types are probably better off staying away from "avoidant" types when it comes to dating. As you get older, you'll be able to spot the avoidant types from a mile away (I can even recognise it in friends and family. Eg: my mom who grew up in a big, loving family is the "secure" type. Whereas my sister is a text book "avoidant" and I'm a classic "anxious", thanks to our Dad who pretty much just didn't know how to be a Dad.)

 

And re the guys who "disappear" - unfortunately there are plenty of douchebags out there. Remember that a lot of the time, people's behaviour says more about them than about you, and if they're going to act like a d*ck, you're better off without them anyway!

 

Hope you feel better soon :)

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hopelessromanticchic

StalwartMind,

Communication is so important. I very much appreciate it when a guy is honest with me. Tell me you don't want anything serious with me, tell me you don't like me as long as you don't lie to me just because you don't want to hurt my feelings. I'm a grown woman I've been through a lot already that I have overcame one more disappointment won't be the end of me although it will feel like it for a few days lol.

 

I still haven't heard from the guy in a few days. I texted him to see how he was doing a couple days ago but he didn't respond so I left it at that. We went from texting everyday to nothing at all. But the thing is it wasnt those boring all day texts. I would be busy working or doing other things so would he so it wasnt like we were getting sick of each other. I just don't understand why he would dissappear like that. I guess it was just too much to deal with. Maybe he had an experience similar with someone else and didnt go well. But that's why I had told him so that way he would know how to work with me and there's no surprises later. If anything All he had to say was "I don't feel the way you do, I have a lot going on at the moment and I'm not trying to start anything serious as of now but we can be friends" that simple yet so hard for them lol.

 

***Keep in mind I'm using this guy as an example since he's the most recent one, all the other guys have done the same exact thing. I'm not in love with this guy or anything. It's just the story keeps repeating itself and that's why I get so bummed out.

 

 

NomiMalone, you're right this guy's behavior says a lot about him. I'm the one putting myself out there letting him know beforehand what he's getting into before we step any further and he decides he isn't capable of handling something he can help me work on. I don't want anyone to fix me, all I want is someone to be there for me while I fix myself. Thank you for the article I will define try read up on that. I'm sure It will definitely help me chose the people I surround myself with.

 

I deleted his number and I'm not going to stress about it anymore. I'm feeling a lot better since my last post. I want to get back to being completely single with no guy in my life. I just need a break and need to clear my mind.

 

I am fine when there's no guy around. I'll feel lonely but I feel loneliest when someone doesn't appreciate me and leaves without any warning.

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Bluebelle38

Hi there, can I ask what your childhood was like? Did you have a secure attachment with your parents? By that I mean were they there for you or were you from a broken home with a lot of upheaval?

 

Complicated grief or grief that lasts a lot longer than normal after a bereavement or romantic loss has been linked to insecure attachment.

 

I am a therapist and would recommend counselling to find out why you find abandonment so difficult. Stop living with this pain for good. Happiness is within your reach.

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hopelessromanticchic
Hi there, can I ask what your childhood was like? Did you have a secure attachment with your parents? By that I mean were they there for you or were you from a broken home with a lot of upheaval?

 

Well, I was born in El Salvador. My parents migrated to the US when I was very little, maybe 4-5 years old. I was raised by my grandmother up until 9 years of age when I came to the US. And I think I was about or 13 when my father left us. I was never very close with my parents. I'm not "lovey dovey" with them or my siblings or with friends. What I find out is I'm very caring and attentive with my partners even though I don't receive the same care back. When someone shows any type of care for me I feel very uncomfortable. It feels great I'm not going to lie but I'm not used to that type of treatment. I question their kindness on stead of thanking them.

 

I was never mistreated by my grandmother she was great but she was very strict. My mom never hit me nor my father. There was an unhealthy relationship i had in high school which at some point got physical.

 

I would love to get counceling in order for me to feel free. Because I do feel trapped in my own body. I am very insecure physically. I have suffered from cystic acne since middle school ages and still suffer from the scarring it left. I used to get very depressed and skip school so people wouldn't see me. I would distance myself from friends and bf at the time thinking he would leave me at some point because I looked and felt ugly. I still have those insecurities because of the scars.

 

So I have insecurities coming from every where and it is a big part in the situation I'm in with the abandonment. I sometimes think it's because of my looks that they don't stick around too long. I think I have a friendly and down to earth personality.

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StalwartMind
I think I have a friendly and down to earth personality.

 

That is my impression of you too, nothing terrifies me about you or makes me think negative thoughts. I appreciate to see Bluebelle38 input and hopefully you can find time and strength to start counseling.

 

I'm an open book and I much prefer to not beat around the bush with anything. That said I do understand that people go about most things in a variety of ways. Even so I would believe that once you overcome you struggles, you should be able to find a man of higher integrity, who will genuinely reciprocate with you.

 

Best of wishes and happiness is indeed within your reach!

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hopelessromanticchic

StalwartMind,

Thank you so much for your input, everyone here has been great I feel a lot better talking about this with other people who go through similar situations or know how to help me understand myself a little more. I need to start paying more attention and distinguish the right people to surround myself with.

 

I hope so too that I can get past this phase and find the happiness I need. Best wishes to you too! Thanks again StalwartMind!

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Bluebelle38

Hi hopelessromantic

 

 

Thanks for providing the info on your childhood. It looks as though you clearly had attachment issues with your parents from a young age. You were brought up by your grandmother, as you say, and your father abandoned you later in life.

 

I really feel your pain because I too had insecure attachment and went on to behave in relationships exactly like you.

 

We must realise that young children are like spongers in that they soak up everything. Think of the way some children are spoilt rotten and then grow up to display narcissistic tendencies.

 

Aristotle himself said: “Give me a child until he is 7 and I will show you the man.”

 

From a young age you knew what abandonment felt like and you know the feelings it brought you (you may not remember, but it is in your sub-conscious). Children with secure attachment don't have this fear. Their parents are there supporting them, they feel loved and cherished.

 

You, like me, and many other children that have attachment issues, are desperate for that security. Often we choose men that are unavailable emotionally and have an air of mystery and drama (we know what that is like from our childhoods) and we are instinctively drawn to what we know. People often say girls date/marry their fathers for a reason. Think here about women from physically abusive childhoods that then go on to marry men that physically abuse them. It is what they know.

 

This will likely make little sense to a child that had a secure attachment because at the first sign of violence they will leave. Why should they put up with that???

 

Children with insecure attachment are so afraid of being abandoned that they will hang in there, accept the abuse (and it doesn't have to be physical. It could be verbal or psychological). A man could cheat repeated times and we still wont leave. Or we will, but then be sucked back in.

 

The fear of being on our own is all-consuming. We believe we need a partner. It makes us feel worthwhile, we seem normal to the outside world (even of behind closed doors the relationship is far from normal).

 

Even your name, hopelessromantic, is telling. You crave love but not from the good men that will actually treat you well. They don't cut it with you. They don't offer the upheavel and excitement of a man that causes you pain. The downside here is that you pay a very heavy price for this 'excitement'.

 

You can never enjoy this relationship because you know these men are not really keepers. Every day is a struggle with yourself. You want to be happy and relaxed but you can't - he has shown you too many times that he is not to be trusted.

 

You believe you love this man despite all the hurt he constantly causes you. This is not love. This is not about this man. You will be this way in any relationship.

 

Once the inevitable happens and this man leaves (like I said, these men are not keepers), you grieve for him. You cannot think of anything else. You just want him to come back.

 

Realise here that you are not grieving this man. He could be any man you date that has treated you appallingly. What you are grieving is the ideal of a partner that is supportive and will be there for you so you don't feel abandoned again (and let's face it, this guy was never going to be that person but we want them so desperately to be him).

 

Complicated grief can ensue here. While your friends manage to move on after breakups, you cant. You completely immerse yourself in grief. You may not sleep for days as your mind is buzzing 'will he come back?; I need him back'. You may lose a great deal of weight (or put it on). After weeks nothing has changed. Your grief is as serious and all-consuming as day one of the breakup - if not worse.

 

Complicated grief after a breakup is like bereavement following a death. All the same feelings and emotions are there. It can last months to years and is why I recommend counselling if this is a common factor after your breakups.

 

Also, you talk about your body negatively. It is likely you fear 'who will want me?' after a breakup and that only compounds your fear of abandonment and being alone.

 

I managed to break the cycle. I did it by taking time out to STOP dating. The thought of that at the start was terrifying as I believed I needed a man to validate me. I realise now that was pure BS.

 

I did not need a man. I needed to heal myself so I would stop making bad relationship choices that only hurt me further.

 

You must start to prioritise yourself, hopelessromantic. Stay away from relationships while you are vulnerable (and you are!). Get into counselling as soon as you can and talk through this breakup and what emotions it brings up for you.

 

I can hand on heart say that working on myself was the best thing I could have done. I am now if a relationship with a gorgeous man that loves me and treats me with the utmost respect. I don't worry he will leave me, I don't worry he will cheat on me.

 

This is the first relationship in my life I have had like this and I am in my early-40s.

 

It was all this learning that got me back to college and studying counselling and psychotherapy and I could not be in a better place emotionally.

 

Final note: when someone leaves, let them go. We choose to obsess over them. Make the choice to regain control of your life.

 

You had it tough as a child, but you can work on that so you don't continue to find your life as an adult tough as well.

 

I wish you all the best in the world. Oh, and I recommend a book: 'Women who love too much.'

 

Take care and stay strong and get into counselling as soon as you can.

 

 

xx

Edited by Bluebelle38
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StalwartMind

Great to read, even from the perspective of someone who had a secure childhood. I do hope this will inspire anyone who is going through a similar situation. Happy you've met a wonderful man Bluebelle38 may your life be joyous and full of experiences to be treasured.

 

In general a lot of what was said above, I see others struggle with even if the exact topic is different. My own conclusion is very much in alignment with that we must focus on ourselves, in order to gain a better clarity and the composure to handle the challenges life throws at us. In that sense we are our own best friend and enemy, hopefully for the most part just the friend part.

 

I take it the book that is mentioned is by Robin Norwood.

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hopelessromanticchic

Bluebelle38,

Everything you said is absolutely right. The good men i meet I push them away and automatically "friend zone" them. Those are the ones who could possibly make me the most happiest and loved. But like you said they don't give me that excitement as the men who end up hurting me. I try to find any excuse to not give them a chance. Either theyre not as handsome or as tall as I would like. I have even told a couple that i am not looking for a relationship when i know i am. I tell others i have no time that I'm always busy when all I do is work. On my free time I stay home and be miserable and lonely. I'll ignore a couple of their texts until they notice im not interested and give up then I think ..hmm. just like the rest even the good guys give up on me, Noone wants me. Lol its pathetic. I feel like im going crazy. Getting hurt is all I know ...even knowing that a new guy is as emotionally unavailable as the last I still stay and hope for the best. The thing is I know how it will end ...I just don't know how long this time around. And I stick around to to watch myself go through it again. Such a pathetic cycle. It's like groundhog day. Same thing over and over no wonder I feel bored of my life. I'm reliving the same day.

 

I mentioned I had been in an unhealthy relationship with an ex of 5 years ..on and off this was a few years ago. He cheated on me so many times and he neglected me. We would break up but I always went back. I knew this guy wasn't who I was going to end up with the rest of my life. It wasn't what I wanted to end up with. I knew that I was attached and comfortable with this guy and love wasn't a feeling anymore. But I didn't leave completely. I became an angry person, always questioning him always trying to start an argument to use as an excuse to leave finally. But I didn't need an excuse all I had to do was leave. I was scared, but it took me 5 years to finally escape. I started talking to a coworker whom I've always felt attracted to. I was still with the bf but things weren't working out and a few days later I decided to break it off. The new guy paid me attention talked to me every night and did things my ex never did. He respected me, always made me feel beautiful and wanted. He took me to the beach one weekend and it was amazing like if I was on a honey moon. It was so new to me. The only thing was that he had stated from the very beginning he wasn't looking for a relationship since he had just recently broke up his engagement after his ex cheated on him. So here we were using each other to distract ourselves from our past.

 

As it was expected, one day a few days after we came back from the beach he let me know he didn't want to keep dating that he wasn't over his ex and needed to be alone. This might have not and might have been a lie because a couple weeks later he got into a relationship with another girl, who he now is committed to and has a daughter with. I was crushed. I was no longer crying and suffering from the hurt my ex had caused me...but I was grieving someone who made me believe I could be happy again. I knew his departure was going to happen but didnt know when. I thanked him for giving me a little bit of happiness while it lasted. I was very sad and started crying over the phone and told him I didn't want to go back to my ex.

 

This was a few years ago but I still think of it as if it was yesterday. At the time I didn't understand why I hurt so much when he was gone. And now I do. Each time now it gets worst.

 

An as$hole friend of mine said to me the other day, "you like as$holes

who don't give a f*ck about you". Tell you the truth my eyes got watery and I started shedding tears when I read that text. I got so mad I didn't want to continue talking to him. I knew he was right. I just feel sad for myself.

 

BLUEBELLE38 you decided to stop dating to work on yourself and I need to do that also. I want to find someone who gives me what I want and need and I won't have to worry that they will leave. It put a smile on my face when you said you finally met someone who you don't worry if he'll leave or cheat on you. It gives me hope. Thank you for that.

Edited by hopelessromanticchic
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Bluebelle38

Hi hopelessromanctic

 

 

That is interesting about the guy you were with on/off for five years. I was with a man on/off for 10 years. I was so broken inside that I would go back knowing the hurt he was capable of when I should have run for the hills and never looked back.

 

Why did I do it? I did it because he was funny and generous and had some good traits. I buried my head in the sand about the points I should have been focusing on as indicators of future behaviour (i.e. he could cut me off whenever he liked, that he lied constantly).

 

The common denominator in all your hurtful relationships is YOU. You choose these men to give your heart to and you continue to stay with them when they reveal their true selves. That is what I had to get my head around. I was doing this to myself by giving them them my time and my heart.

 

Making the choice to stay away from men is what I needed to do to change my life. I needed to know I was fine on my own. Once I did that, I was able to see that I was very happy without all the drama and heartache and any time I did meet a man that showed his true colours, I walked away.

 

When I met my current partner, I was in a very good place. I was strong and I valued myself. I wanted the BEST for myself.

 

He is thoughtful, generous and kind. All the things my exes were not. These qualities in the past would have turned me off.

 

If you look at a friend that is in a happy relationship, you will see that they are treated with respect. You did not have that with the men you dated.

 

I have a great time with my partner. He has a great sense of humour, is very attractive (although he doesn't see it), he encourages me in my life and career, and I have no doubt I have found the love of my life.

 

There is no reason why you won't have the same, hopelessromantic.

 

You desperately need to heal yourself so you give these emotional vampires a wide berth for good.

 

The drama and not knowing what is going on in a relationship has become infectious to you. You need to break this cycle. I can tell you that having a partner that you know truly loves you is the best high you can have. I finally have peace in my life and I would not change that for all the drama in the world.

 

:) xx

Edited by Bluebelle38
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