NC after destroying my phone.

[Justashell]

I know this is long and this is the short version but please read as I am in serious need of a slap to the face.

 

Smashed it. Into tiny little pieces with a hammer. I had a mental breakdown and my phone took the brunt of it. It was just after him calling me a slut and a contaminated pig. I'm disgusting according to him.

 

We've been on and off for five years. Five years of cheating, lying, blaming, silent treatments, guilt tripping, name calling, punching walls, and stalking. Don't ask me how it came to be that long. I couldn't answer why I stayed after the first cheating or the second but I did. I never used to be so weak.

 

Each breakup started with silence. Ignoring for days until he would finally answer me and tell me I couldn't make him happy. I would learn that each time he went silent it was because he was with someone else. Each time he had a different reason for why he was doing it. After a few days, a couple of weeks, the longest 3 months, he would message me. Harass me is more like it. I was drowning in I'm sorry texts. Everything was his fault, he regrets it all. I can't live without you. Each time I would believe. Give in and the cycle continued.

 

It's been two days since he he did it again. After three weeks of telling me he wanted to be a better person. That he didn't want the type of girls he's been with. (Girls with boyfriends, etc.) that he loved me and he knew he was blaming his unhappiness on me when he just wasn't happy with himself. He wanted to learn how to be happy so he could be happy with me. Friday he went back to one of the girls he cheated on me with, the girl he said he would never date and just went after because it was easy.

 

I lost it. I wanted to hurt him because I always hold back. I never want to be nasty just to hurt his feelings but I couldn't take it anymore. Every time this has happened I wallow at home. My work suffers. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I bargain. I try to understand. I try to fix. This time I couldnt. During one break up I met someone. We saw each other a few times and fooled around. Almost had sex but didn't. I told him I slept with him. That made him respond. He called me all sorts of names. Told me he would never touch me after that. Insulted me and the guy who he doesn't know.

 

I'm so angry. After he sent a text saying "don't talk to me slut" I asked how he could possibly call me that considering he never stopped cheating on me for longer than a month for five years and he was with the girl who he cheated on me with, who cheated on her boyfriend with him. I've never cheated. Not even have looked twice at another guy even when we were broken up. The guy I was hanging out with happened when I was single and in the five years with all the breakups, I had never done anything with anyone else. And then I smashed my phone because I knew I wouldn't stop.

 

Now? I feel sad, angry, worthless, and depressed. It's terrible but I wish the worst on him. There are never any consequences. He keeps living like nothing happened. He messages girls up that's he's slept with and then ignored and all he has to say is sorry and he's in. He rips every part of me into pieces with his friends. The story they heard is probably that I cheated. He likes to twist things so that he looks like the victim. All his friends think he's great and tell him that he deserves better than me. That he should leave me before I drag him down with me. They encourage him to sign up on tinder. They think I'm the devil because he told them that.

 

How do u move past the anger? Past the " it's not fair" feeling? When do you start believing that you don't deserve any of this?

[spiderowl]

You don't deserve any of it. The guy likes excitement and creates drama. If it isn't there or things are ticking along nicely, he does something to upset the calm balance - infidelity, insults, whatever works. You have been trying to deal with him as if this is all rational and he could be reformed. He can't. If you get a nice balance, he will tip you over the edge with something or other. The only way to deal with this is to get out and keep away from him.

 

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You know the truth. You have seen there is a pattern of drama. You know that if you continue with him in any form, if only by text, then he will try to provoke more drama. He loves the excitement. Do you?

[SLee]

I'm sorry you're going through that.

 

Honestly, destroying your phone isn't the end of the world, you can get a new one with a new number.

 

My ex was/is super manipulative and likes to blame me for everything that caused the breakup. It took me over a month post breakup to realize that it wasn't. I have a lot of anger at the fact that he gets away with everything and I get the blame for everything.

 

Venting to my friends and to my therapist helps. Work out to get the anger out, vent to people, anything you can do to get it out in a healthy way.

 

Honestly, and this is still hard for me to accept, that he doesn't matter. What he says and thinks doesn't matter. It's okay to be angry, and you have every right to be. But focussing on yourself and what you want and being with your people is the key that will help you let go of your anger.

 

This guy is not worth your time. He sounds like a complete tool. Let him go.

[Justashell]

Both of your responses were actually inspiring and as crazy as I felt when I was hammering away at my phone, I feel like it was a turning point for me. Not to say that everything will be fine from here on out but I beleive it was a step I have never taken before.

 

Usually I would leave myself open somehow to him being able to get in touch with me. Not necessarily consciously but I never changed my number even though I could have or blocked him on Facebook, just removed him as a friend. I have blocked him but am also seriously considering just getting rid of Facebook all together because I finally feel like taking care of me is more important than obsessing over what he's doing. I also think I'll wait awhile on getting a new phone because I remember his number and have had a tendency to text him during an emotional moment.

 

I believe I am also angry with myself for letting it go on for so long. For allowing him to change who I am. I used to have boundaries but for whatever reason things that I never used to tolerate or wouldn't dream of tolerating slowly became tolerable. It all became normal. I don't even know who I am anymore. There was always something happening that "needed" my attention. Every waking moment was focused on our relationship. 24/7 anxiety, stress...managing.

 

I literally do not know what to do with myself when I'm not working. I have no life anymore. No interests. No hobbies. No clue where to start on creating one. It's unbelievably overwhelming.

[Justashell]

It's extremely tough to stop obsessing. It was like a second full time job for five years. I'm trying so hard to immediately switch my thoughts from 'I must know what he is doing and who with' to something not related to him at all. I catch myself but not before that dreaded anxiety kicks in. I love the feeling of being calm because I have it so rarely. I cannot wait to no longer have my heart drop when I see or hear something I knew was happening but didn't want to believe. That feeling of needing to control, change what was happening is so so strong.

[Josmatjes]

Get rid of him. Can you imagine if you married this creep? He'd be cheating on you all the time! He should get himself checked for stds.

 

Sweetie, please please please get rid of him. Put your needs first. Do not accept his sorries anymore. Get a new phone and a new number and do not give it to him. Take control! You got this!!

[Justashell]

Do you believe that by forcing your mind to keep busy focusing on other things all the time at first eventually just turns into not thinking about him naturally? Does that help to actually move on or is it just postponing something that you have to deal with in order to move on?

[Josmatjes]

I definitely think focusing on other things helps tremendously! But you also need to figure out why you keep going back after he cheats. Why do you allow this? You need to really analyze this and deal with it....if you bury it you mat unwittingly make the same mistake again.