Took my ex back after 5 months of NC. Now I'm back to square one.

[StrangerThanFiction]

We started talking regularly again in March. He was having a really hard time due to not working and being broke and I felt sorry for him. Long story short, he had to move out of his apartment in another city. Like a fool I allowed him to stay at my place while he got back on his feet. We decided to get back together. Huge mistake.

 

I had known he was still talking to the woman he had taken on dates while we were still living together two years ago. We had broken up because of it then and then gotten back together two months after then broke up again last September over something unrelated. He told me that they were just friends. Oldest line in the cheaters hand book, right? Like the lonely idiot I was I believed him. We've had countless arguments over the last few weeks about it until a couple days ago when he showed me their text messages to "prove" that nothing was going on between them.

 

I found out that they had went on a trip together across seas while we had been broken up. He had told me before that he had went alone. Also in the texts he had been saying that he would take her on trips to Mexico and Bali, etc and pay for everything. He had never offered me that. His girlfriend. I also found that he had started a Facebook account and added her. He never told me he had started one. He also told her he was living in an entirely different city to the one that we were living in and he had never made any mention of me at all. He tried to tell me that he had told her over a phone call. He also told her how bored he was and they were making plans to meet up and drink together. All these texts were when he was sitting beside me on the couch. Maybe I'm crazy, but conversations like that aren't what I call appropriate between friends when a person has a girlfriend.

 

So, needless to say, we got into a huge fight that escalated incredibly fast. He ended up head butting me and punching me in the mouth hard enough to split my lips open on my teeth.

 

I just needed to tell my story to someone. Before I get flamed, I admit that this situation was entirely my fault and I don't deserve sympathy. How many times does a person have to be treated like crap by the same dude to finally smarten up and grow enough spine to be done with them? Well, I've lost count of all the horrible things I allowed him to do to me over the years but all the things that have happened in the last couple days have finally made me draw a line and put an end to it for good. There will be no more chances. I will be moving to a new place and changing my email and phone number.

 

I'm trying really hard to hold myself together right now. I feel disgust and anger at myself for letting this happen again when I should've known much better. I feel so much pain knowing that once again, I'm not good enough for the partner I'm with. I feel so alone and like I don't deserve anything good to happen to me because I'm so stupid.

 

Thanks for listening. I guess I just needed to put this down somewhere. I'm going to try to pick up the pieces of my self esteem and put them back together. But where do I start?

[Satu]

I'm trying really hard to hold myself together right now. I feel disgust and anger at myself for letting this happen again when I should've known much better. I feel so much pain knowing that once again, I'm not good enough for the partner I'm with. I feel so alone and like I don't deserve anything good to happen to me because I'm so stupid.

 

Thanks for listening. I guess I just needed to put this down somewhere. I'm going to try to pick up the pieces of my self esteem and put them back together. But where do I start?

 

No flame from me.

 

He's a nasty character. You really do know that now.

 

Square one is a good place to be, because it allows you lay down the foundations of the life you want to live.

 

How do you want your life to be?

 

Who do you want to be?

 

What kind of people do you want to have in your life?

 

On square one, all your options are open.

 

Choice is king.

 

Choice trumps history.

 

Choice creates your future.

 

Choose consciously and choose well.

 

*********************************************************

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. That's 1.5 litres for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

*********************************************************

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

**********************************************************

 

All the best,

 

Satu.

Edited May 10, 2015 by Satu

[Cupid's Puppet]

Why the hell are you the one moving? Kick his ass out.

[Itspointless]

He ended up head butting me and punching me in the mouth hard enough to split my lips open on my teeth.

 

I just needed to tell my story to someone. Before I get flamed, I admit that this situation was entirely my fault and I don't deserve sympathy. How many times does a person have to be treated like crap by the same dude to finally smarten up and grow enough spine to be done with them? [...] I feel so much pain knowing that once again, I'm not good enough for the partner I'm with. I feel so alone and like I don't deserve anything good to happen to me because I'm so stupid.

1. Nobody deserves to be treated like that!

2. He is not good enough for you!

[StrangerThanFiction]

No flame from me.

 

He's a nasty character. You really do know that now.

 

Square one is a good place to be, because it allows you lay down the foundations of the life you want to live.

 

How do you want your life to be?

 

Who do you want to be?

 

What kind of people do you want to have in your life?

 

On square one, all your options are open.

 

Choice is king.

 

Choice trumps history.

 

Choice creates your future.

 

Choose consciously and choose well.

 

*********************************************************

 

Eat enough and eat healthily.

Drink enough water. That's 1.5 litres for a female.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need. If you can't sleep, just lie down.

Do some easy exercise - nothing too strenuous.

If you feel physically unwell go to see your doctor.

 

*********************************************************

 

*No direct contact in either direction. No sending or receiving of messages. No replies. Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media. No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

 

**********************************************************

 

All the best,

 

Satu.

 

Thank you for the awesome advice and kind words, Satu! I'll take all of them to heart. I really needed to hear them.

 

 

Why the hell are you the one moving? Kick his ass out.

 

I should've elaborated a bit more there. I've kicked him out, I just want to move to a new place so he won't know where I live anymore. And also, I don't want to stay in a place that is a stew of so many bad memories. Time to start fresh somewhere else.

 

1. Nobody deserves to be treated like that!

2. He is not good enough for you!

 

I try to think that, but for right now it's really tough. I feel like the most pathetic piece of dogsh*t. All my friends have said he's a total turd as well. I guess that's one reason I feel so crappy. What kind of person am I to let a human piece of garbage like him get away with all the terrible things he's done to me?

[TrevorDia]

Nobody is going to flame you for this.

 

This guy sounds like absolute scum. Complete bottom of the barrel. In fact, he's not even in the barrel, he's that stuff that accumulates under the barrel.

 

I just can't believe you said "I'm not good enough for the partner I'm with". You have demonstrated the kind of person you are - you've got a big heart and an ******* of an ex. And you've demonstrated the type of person he is, a womanbeater.

 

He should be behind bars (and I speak as someone who puts scum like that away most days). I'm not going to tell you to go to the police, even though I really wish you would. And if you really have trouble getting away from him, I (and I'm sure every guy on here) would enjoy nothing more than forcefully removing him from your life. You don't deserve to be abused. Nobody does. You're so much better than that.

 

You're a bigger person than he will ever be - and don't ever dispute that. I wish you well in your brighter sunnier future without someone like that

[Itspointless]

I try to think that, but for right now it's really tough. I feel like the most pathetic piece of dogsh*t. All my friends have said he's a total turd as well. I guess that's one reason I feel so crappy. What kind of person am I to let a human piece of garbage like him get away with all the terrible things he's done to me?

Happy to hear that you have friends that care about about you.

 

You know in a way you answer your own question here. You blame yourself here, why? I actually can tell you why, as I am quite the same. It is because we never learned enough that we are good as we are to be loved. If someone detaches it is not so because we disappointed them. Meaning we do not have to take anything others do to us or say to us, or constantly blame ourselves. But the hard part is that we have to learn what normal and healthy boundaries are. That sounds so simple, but it really isn't. I often wonder, what actually is normal ...? An important first step is not instantly blame ourselves and be kind to ourselves. Do not lose your ability to look critical at yourself, but do it with love, because we are good as we are.

[StrangerThanFiction]

Nobody is going to flame you for this.

 

This guy sounds like absolute scum. Complete bottom of the barrel. In fact, he's not even in the barrel, he's that stuff that accumulates under the barrel.

 

I just can't believe you said "I'm not good enough for the partner I'm with". You have demonstrated the kind of person you are - you've got a big heart and an ******* of an ex. And you've demonstrated the type of person he is, a womanbeater.

 

He should be behind bars (and I speak as someone who puts scum like that away most days). I'm not going to tell you to go to the police, even though I really wish you would. And if you really have trouble getting away from him, I (and I'm sure every guy on here) would enjoy nothing more than forcefully removing him from your life. You don't deserve to be abused. Nobody does. You're so much better than that.

 

You're a bigger person than he will ever be - and don't ever dispute that. I wish you well in your brighter sunnier future without someone like that

 

Thank you for this. It made me cry (in a good way) to know I have support like this. I know nobody deserves to be abused but sometimes I feel like I deserved it because of the decision I made to take him back even after all the horrible things he had done to me previously and also because of the things I said when we had the fight that drove him to do what he did.

 

I'm trying to remember that I'm definitely better off without him but sometimes I find myself missing him and I feel even worse about everything because what kind've spineless weakling could possibly miss someone who's stolen from them, lied to them, cheated on them, and hit them? This girl, apparently. It makes me feel like I deserved everything because I was stupid and weak enough to allow it to happen. So much for my dreams of being Xena Warrior Princess.

 

One good thing, though. I may miss him and wish he'd call to tell me he loves me and misses me, but I realize it's not out of a desire to be back with him but for validation that I am worthy of love and just, well, worthy. A bittersweet realization but a step in the right direction, hopefully.

 

 

Happy to hear that you have friends that care about about you.

 

You know in a way you answer your own question here. You blame yourself here, why? I actually can tell you why, as I am quite the same. It is because we never learned enough that we are good as we are to be loved. If someone detaches it is not so because we disappointed them. Meaning we do not have to take anything others do to us or say to us, or constantly blame ourselves. But the hard part is that we have to learn what normal and healthy boundaries are. That sounds so simple, but it really isn't. I often wonder, what actually is normal ...? An important first step is not instantly blame ourselves and be kind to ourselves. Do not lose your ability to look critical at yourself, but do it with love, because we are good as we are.

 

All so true. I know that with all the problems in our relationship I blamed myself right off the bat. I realize that I was blaming myself for his decisions. Some examples: It's my fault he cheated on me because I wasn't attractive or sexy enough. It's my fault he lied to me so much because I didn't prove to him enough that I could handle the truth if it was negative. It was my fault he stole money from me because I was being a b*tch to him and he had to "teach me a lesson". Thinking back on it, those were his reasons for why I was to blame for so many things. At first I thought he was full of it, but then after awhile I started to believe them and I was the one doing the self-blame game without him having to say a word. That's pretty messed up, yeah? I find myself doing it with everyone. I've got my work cut out for me to do as you say and be able to look at myself critically but with love. I don't even know where to start.

[sandylee1]

Thank you for this. It made me cry (in a good way) to know I have support like this. I know nobody deserves to be abused but sometimes I feel like I deserved it because of the decision I made to take him back even after all the horrible things he had done to me previously and also because of the things I said when we had the fight that drove him to do what he did.

 

YOU DIDN'T DRIVE HIM TO IT. HE'S THE ONLY ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HE DID. THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR WHAT HE DID.

 

 

I'm trying to remember that I'm definitely better off without him but sometimes I find myself missing him and I feel even worse about everything because what kind've spineless weakling could possibly miss someone who's stolen from them, lied to them, cheated on them, and hit them? This girl, apparently. It makes me feel like I deserved everything because I was stupid and weak enough to allow it to happen. So much for my dreams of being Xena Warrior Princess.

 

 

THERE ARE DECENT GUYS WHO WOULD NEVER TREAT YOU THE WAY HE DID. HE'S A CHEATING LIAR. THEY GENERALLY GO HAND IN HAND.

 

 

One good thing, though. I may miss him and wish he'd call to tell me he loves me and misses me, but I realize it's not out of a desire to be back with him but for validation that I am worthy of love and just, well, worthy. A bittersweet realization but a step in the right direction, hopefully.

 

YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE AND DESERVE SO MUCH MORE. IT'S BEST THAT SUCH A MAN DOESN'T LOVE YOU. OTHERWISE IT COULD TURN EVEN WORSE THAN IT HAS, WITH HIM NOT LEAVING YOU ALONE.

 

 

 

All so true. I know that with all the problems in our relationship I blamed myself right off the bat. I realize that I was blaming myself for his decisions. Some examples: It's my fault he cheated on me because I wasn't attractive or sexy enough. It's my fault he lied to me so much because I didn't prove to him enough that I could handle the truth if it was negative. It was my fault he stole money from me because I was being a b*tch to him and he had to "teach me a lesson". Thinking back on it, those were his reasons for why I was to blame for so many things.

 

NONE OF THESE THINGS WERE YOUR FAULT. HE IS A NASTY MAN AND IF YOU WERE MY DAUGHTER, I'D BE WANTING CHARGES PRESSED AGAINST HIM. HE'S A COWARD, WHO COULD ONLY RESPOND TO THE TRUTH WITH VIOLENCE AGAINST YOU, KNOWING HE WAS STRONGER.

 

At first I thought he was full of it, but then after awhile I started to believe them and I was the one doing the self-blame game without him having to say a word. That's pretty messed up, yeah? I find myself doing it with everyone. I've got my work cut out for me to do as you say and be able to look at myself critically but with love. I don't even know where to start.

 

See my comments in caps above.

[Itspointless]

All so true. I know that with all the problems in our relationship I blamed myself right off the bat. I realize that I was blaming myself for his decisions. Some examples: It's my fault he cheated on me because I wasn't attractive or sexy enough. It's my fault he lied to me so much because I didn't prove to him enough that I could handle the truth if it was negative. It was my fault he stole money from me because I was being a b*tch to him and he had to "teach me a lesson". Thinking back on it, those were his reasons for why I was to blame for so many things. At first I thought he was full of it, but then after awhile I started to believe them and I was the one doing the self-blame game without him having to say a word. That's pretty messed up, yeah? I find myself doing it with everyone. I've got my work cut out for me to do as you say and be able to look at myself critically but with love. I don't even know where to start.

It is messed up, but when we attach to someone it is not reason - our higher brain-functions that guides us - no, our most primitive brainfunctions take over, as we think we can loose our primary attachment figure: in this case your ex. In our heads and bodies it then goes something like "RED ALERT RED ALERT, DO AS HE PLEASES OR DISASTERS WILL HAPPEN". While in fact things are not that disastrous. The funny thing is we are brought back to a state of mind as we are loosing our mothers at the age of two or three: 'RED ALERT RED ALERT!'

 

I think you should start with being kind to yourself. Treat yourself well and try to embrace the feeling that you deserve it, even if you find it uncomfortable. At the same time stay away from that fool with anger-issues.

 

Now, what is of most importance is that you start a journey to why you want to please everybody. I can give you some answers, but you have to find your personal answers and feel that truth in your body to change it. If you can afford therapy it also might be very useful to find one. See a therapist as a lifecoach, have you ever wondered why you can find teachers for every aspect of life except living itself? Well, a therapist is such a coach. Almost everybody could use one, but most of the time people are to proud, and believe me when I say that almost everybody could use one!

 

I can recommend some books if you want.

Edited May 13, 2015 by Itspointless