Little Over 9 Months, Feeling Better!

[AaronSG]

I know in the past here on LoveShack my prior monthly check in's around the time of date of my breakup has become a bit of a tradition. But I'm suspecting this might be my last! More things have become more important in my life, than to once a month take a little trip down "memory lane" and remember the "once was's"!

 

For me, personally, I have come to a juncture in my recovery where the option to not be so concerned about what has happened has presented itself. A new path has exposed itself within my recovery and I am making the choice to walk down it.

 

For me, this past April 3rd, which signified another month that my ex-fiancé had been gone was met very differently. Normally a couple days leading up to the 3rd of any month I would normally become a little isolated, a little with drawn, more memory's than normal would begin to surface, sometimes even my body would respond with some very minor panic and bone chilling reality bolts up my spine. This past 3rd, that all didn't happen! yeah, the thought of my ex-fiance did cross my mind a couple times, but rather than acting upon the thoughts, I just told myself..........."be happy for what you had, and now be happy that you've helped yourself turn into someone better than you were"!

 

Sure, and being totally honest here, there isn't really a day that still goes by that I don;t at least have a couple thoughts for her. But where once those thoughts and memory's ruled my days and nights, now, I have the thought, spend about 5-10 seconds with it, then tell myself there are more important things to do "right here" vs. getting trapped in the thoughts and memory's of someone who is now 2000 miles away. Then I just seem to "get on with my day"!

 

I'm still attending my weekly Codependents Anonymous meetings, still seeing a therapist every two weeks, still seeing my Psychiatrist once a month and am still taking my medication. It's all helping, primarily the people I meet in my weekly meetings, from the "Hay Aaron we're getting together this weekend, care to join"! To "Aaron, we're going out to coffee after the meeting want to tag along" all the way from hosting various members here at my home, becoming more social and generating new friends.

 

Also on top of what I'm already doing for myself in a positive nature, while walking the path of personal recovery, I had made the choice to better myself even more, you know, take my self to the next level.......little over 2 weeks ago I quit smoking! I figured that I'm bettering my life for a reason, there must be something or someone out there that I'm feeling to need to make all these improvements for, so while your at it Aaron, why not extend your life by a couple years and quit the stinky sticks!

 

Also the choice to quit smoking and try to better myself along further had lead to a new friends and has made me become more social because I dropped the cancer sticks in favor of grabbing a vape mod, buying some e-juice, a couple packs of coils and tanks, some 18650 battery's and charger and have taken up vaping! 100% tobacco free, 100% cancer free, 100% toxic chemical free.....nothing but distilled water, natural fruit extracts, natural vegetable extracts, and tree born nicotine! This new life style change has lead me to be apart of a social arena that I had never once thought of being a part of.

 

And I'm going to dare risk it by talking about it.......I meet a woman within this new founded community. Bright, intelligent, charming, honest, caring and thinks more within the lines as I do compared to my ex-fiancé. We've hung out a couple times and are very interested in hanging out many more!

 

In regards to my ex-fiancé, yes, I am now at a point where I can honestly acknowledge that it was probably a good thing that things came to an end. Regardless of how it came to an end, regardless of who in the end is at fault, regardless, it's good that it ended, it's good that she went her way and I went mine. I'm also to a point where I can honestly say that I wish my ex-fiancé all the best with her life. I really don't hold any type of ill will towards her now. I hope she has a good and successful life, it's not fair for me to think that "happy and successful lives" is something that I should try to hog all to myself, everyones entitled to them, so for her I wish her the best.

 

I honestly hope she's doing alright, hope she's getting along with her problematic parents for whom 9 months ago she moved back in with, I hope her various medical conditions aren't giving her to many complications, I hope she can rest well, and I hope she's eating good! She's been through a lot in her 27 year old life, been through some things that most people should never be exposed to, I'm not giving her a "free pass" here, I still find her responsible for her part in our breakup, I'm just understanding that some things are outside of our control in life. Yeah, I still find her responsible, but it's no longer my desire to try and hold anyones feet to the flames as to make them feel the wrongs of their choices and actions. I got my own self to worry about, I no longer desire to hold onto the baggage of "finger pointing"! It was what it was, it is what it is, and it will be what it will be...........things for the Universe to tend to now, I'm out!

 

In closing, I am just so thankful for everything I currently have in my life, the people who choose to be in my life, the things I have in my life and I'm finally to a point where I'm excited for the future, with whatever the future holds!

 

From the start of my former relationship little over 2 some odd years ago, to the breakup 9 months ago, to now.......I'm am thankful for going through the situation, regardless of the difficulty at times, I've been blessed to have been giving this new founded gift and the gift is a better understanding of myself, and the gift is what I will not tolerate in regards to future relationships! My ex thought she was leaving nearly destroyed, she thought she was leaving me in utter ruin!..................Fiery Phoenixes are well know for breaking through the ash and ruble of destruction! My Phoenix is standing up, above the ash, and about ready to stretch out it's wings and fly!

 

Thank you ex-fiancé, you didn't destroy me........"you unknowingly helped make me stronger"!

 

Thank you!

[saladfingers]

This is such a heart warming post. High fives to you man. It's not easy, but the end result is worth it.