How to be happily single

[SLee]

Hey all.

 

I've been thinking a lot about the things I can do and will be doing to transition from being in a LTR (3.5 years), to getting dumped, to being contentedly single.

 

4 years ago, I had NO issue being single, but I was 18 and starting a whole new life at university. Now that I'm graduating (next spring) and the whole college thing isn't new or exciting anymore, it's harder, now that I'm single again.

 

I've never been the type of person to be upset or mopey over not being single and I definitely don't NEED a man around. But there is some sting and a tinge of insecurity over not being with a partner and having that around anymore, if that makes sense.

 

I'm also at a point now where I really don't have an interest in "playing the field". The thought of doing the dating dance all over again, probably repeatedly, sounds exhausting. And I know what I want in a partner and in life, and I don't want to put myself out there all over again unless there was a shot of it working out.

 

Plus, at this point in university, everyone has their friends and their groups and it's harder to meet people, if that makes any sense. Most of my friends are either graduating or are graduated already, so it's time to move on from undergrad.

 

I have plans and goals. I have an internship next fall with new and interesting people, I have plenty of friends and things to do this summer, I'm making plans for graduate school, I'm looking forward to learning more about my field and myself, and all that stuff.

 

It also sucks because I thought me and the ex were a sure thing. Stable and committed and could make it work for the long haul. It's hard to find people my age and in my camp of people (college students who are all over the place emotionally and in their own lives) who are looking for that kind of thing. I have friends who are only a couple years older than me either in long term serious relationships, engaged, or married. I'm not bitter, I'm really happy for them, but it's also a little disheartening that I put SO MUCH into this relationship and was ready to make it work, and now it's just gone.

 

For anyone else who was in an LTR that ended, did you find away to be content being single? I'm doing the right stuff, I guess. I genuinely enjoy being with my friends and family, am excited for the future ahead, thinking about all the things I can do now without worrying about a committed relationship, and all that stuff. I know it takes time, and maybe I'm getting too ahead of myself.

 

Bottom line, I'm just wondering if there's a good path to follow to be content being single, because for now, that's what I want to achieve. If anyone can offer any experience or advice, I'd appreciate it.

[crimsontactics]

Friend, you don't have a problem.

 

It's just a normal reaction to a breakup. Just take some time off and you'll recover. Once that happen, you'll be able to be happily single.

 

Don't think too much and stay cheerful alright?

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

The sting of going from relationship to single will gradually go away, it's completely normal. Especially considering most/all of your university life has been shared with a partner. Add all the things you can do now that you couldn't do with a partner to one of your lists. Once you realize how much crap you go through in a relationship, you'll probably feel content being single for a while.

 

You'll learn a lot about yourself outside of a relationship as well. which will help with the next relationship you find yourself in. Instead of your next partner becoming your life they will compliment your life. I speculate the divorce rate being so high because people don't learn about themselves and relationship jump constantly, but that's just my thoughts on the matter.

[Ashurii]

Try and think of doings things that a lot of boyfriends wouldn't want to do, or things that would be easier to plan and execute if it was just you. Like myself, I would love seeing Broadway shows. A lot of guys aren't into that (a shame!). I'm also interested in traveling, and even if someone found a partner who liked to travel, maybe you would prefer to travel alone, or maybe he'd be a bad traveling companion. Things like that. Take advantage of activities and such that are harder to do when you're in a relationship.

[SLee]

Friend, you don't have a problem.

 

It's just a normal reaction to a breakup. Just take some time off and you'll recover. Once that happen, you'll be able to be happily single.

 

Don't think too much and stay cheerful alright?

Thank you! Knowing that it's normal helps me feel less crazy.

 

My friend went through a break up over a year ago and even though she sees guys from time to time, she said that taking tim to learn how to be content while single was really good for her. I'm trying to take that advice.

 

Thinking too much and worrying about EVERYTHING has always been an issue for me! I'm trying to avoid it. As Lady Macbeth said in the Shakespeare play Macbeth: "Consider it not so deeply.", I'm trying to follow Shakespeare's advice as well!

[SLee]

The sting of going from relationship to single will gradually go away, it's completely normal. Especially considering most/all of your university life has been shared with a partner. Add all the things you can do now that you couldn't do with a partner to one of your lists. Once you realize how much crap you go through in a relationship, you'll probably feel content being single for a while.

 

You'll learn a lot about yourself outside of a relationship as well. which will help with the next relationship you find yourself in. Instead of your next partner becoming your life they will compliment your life. I speculate the divorce rate being so high because people don't learn about themselves and relationship jump constantly, but that's just my thoughts on the matter.

Thanks HeartOfAPhoenix! Again, it's comforting to hear from others that it's normal and I'm not being an irrational "man-crazy" young woman for having these feelings.

 

Yeah, it's hard to think of moving forward without him sometimes since he was such a big part of my life for so long in my undergraduate career. It was really great to have that stable, support system in the uncertainty of university and looking at a stable future ahead.

 

I'm working on my lists too, as you said! There were things I missed in college that all my single friends could do, no problem. My ex was also really clingy, so everything I went to, he wanted to do. I didn't get the opportunity to do much on my own without hurting his feelings. My single friends went on all sorts of mini-road trips, travelled abroad, met all sorts of new friends from all over the world, and those were things I just couldn't do without risking the relationship.

 

18 year old me would probably smack me in the face, as when I was that age I was looking forward to having all these adventures on my own, I instead took the leap into the relationship as my ex desired. I think that in the end, since we committed so fast without learning about ourselves, it contributed to the downfall of the relationship in a big way. It caught up to me sooner than it did to him, and that's what I think caused him, in part, to break up with me.

 

I'm not a rebound person or a person who goes guy-to-guy in general, not to knock anyone who does do those things if it helps them. Just a personal choice. I know I haven't emotionally moved on yet, but there's already a guy I'll be working on a project with this summer who I hit it off with last year, but obviously didn't pursue or have interest in a relationship with him as I was in one with my ex. My post break up brain is already kind of "setting sights" on him, but I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible because I don't want a rebound and I won't be able to have anything with him until I'm completely over the ex.

 

I suspect you're right about divorces. I realize now, more than ever, you have to know who you are in order to maintain a serious relationship and that just didn't work with the ex. Maybe "right person, wrong time" who knows, I'll probably never know. But I definitely feel like you're onto something with the divorce rates being so high.

[SLee]

Try and think of doings things that a lot of boyfriends wouldn't want to do, or things that would be easier to plan and execute if it was just you. Like myself, I would love seeing Broadway shows. A lot of guys aren't into that (a shame!). I'm also interested in traveling, and even if someone found a partner who liked to travel, maybe you would prefer to travel alone, or maybe he'd be a bad traveling companion. Things like that. Take advantage of activities and such that are harder to do when you're in a relationship.

I love seeing plays! I've been fortunate enough to see a few on Broadway myself and I try to see as many touring shows I can whenever I can!

 

Yeah, there was a lot of "guilty pleasure" TV shows, movies, and music that I could almost never watch because he hated them so much, I couldn't enjoy my hometown because he hated it, I missed a lot of family events, I stagnated on friendships somewhat, etc.

 

I would love to travel more too, and I do regret not pursuing a study abroad more. But with the ex, he was against long distance, even for a semester, so I didn't even feel comfortable pursuing it.

 

When he initially broke up with me, the thought of being "independent" and doing anything without him was scary and awful, and I just plain didn't wanna do it. Like was the point of doing these awesome things without HIM, but I think that was mainly my emotional storm talking. Either way, I don't really have a choice but to do these alone!