Anger- Part of coping?

[ephemeralme]

its been a bit over a month sinc the BU/end of engagement.

He ended it on the phone; filled me with plenty of blame on my part and hurtful things.

Whist, I am truly looking into myself and trying to look at myself, my issues/baggage with a therapist....

I am left with his words, his blame and in turn am left feelig and believe I am so broken and so unfit to be in a R.

something I have thought is; it isn't enough to be kind, caring, loving, filled with compassion, passion, support, understanding, morals, intellect etc...

it just isn't enough ...

Yes, I was very upfront with my cards; on the table from the get go about my own stuff- my insecurities and expereinces. He knew them.

 

 

Today.. though, I am finding my won anger. I am looking at his part of the R and finding some *comfort* in things I see of him that were his shortcomings.

BUT- I want my turn... I want to give him some of the hurt he gave me by unloading all this blame onto me.

There is anger .... he walked away.. I didn't even when we had our challenges because of his issues. I held on to love and belief that it takes work, effort and communication to keep any R strong.

I am effen pissed off he chose the weak path, I am effen pissed off he dumped a boat load of blame on me

I am effen pissed off at him for letting believe and trust he was committed.

 

damn him!

 

what to do with this anger????? I don't know where to put it? because I really want to unleash it onto him today.

 

does the anger for your ex ever go away? ( I am not typically an angry person and it is unlikely for anyone to see me as angry) ...

 

I don't want to become bitter and angry and let the poison of his words stabbed into me like a poisonous dart ... just keep leaking into me.

[Satu]

Anger is a completely normal part of the recovery process. It passes.

 

DO NOT try to put a lid on it.

 

Externalise it by finding a way to express it physically, because anger is very physical.

 

Go somewhere where nobody can hear you, and shout it all out.

 

Break something, and then pick up the pieces, and break them again and again.

 

Beat the heck out of a pillow.

 

You get the idea...

 

When you use healthy ways to express anger, it leaves you feeling fresh and clean inside.

 

There's no reason not to do it.

[ephemeralme]

Anger is a completely normal part of the recovery process. It passes.

 

DO NOT try to put a lid on it.

 

Externalise it by finding a way to express it physically, because anger is very physical.

 

Go somewhere where nobody can hear you, and shout it all out.

 

Break something, and then pick up the pieces, and break them again and again.

 

Beat the heck out of a pillow.

 

You get the idea...

 

When you use healthy ways to express anger, it leaves you feeling fresh and clean inside.

 

There's no reason not to do it.

 

thank you Satu...

yes. better than to allow this to slowly poison me... that is what if feels like.... something snapped with me today regarding the anger..

I understand; tomorrow I may filled with hurt and sadness and the next with missing him.... but this one; this emotion feels so toxic.

 

I wish I had some old dishes... really do feel like breaking things today.

 

but, also really want to write him a letter with my words and send it to him, though I KNOW that goes against the NC purposes.

 

wouldn't writing out some of my thoughts, feelings and words ( without any expectation of a reply or anything back) be okay, healthy too?

get it off my chest, out of my heart and take some of the anger and direct it back to the source.

 

[Satu]

thank you Satu...

yes. better than to allow this to slowly poison me... that is what if feels like.... something snapped with me today regarding the anger..

I understand; tomorrow I may filled with hurt and sadness and the next with missing him.... *but this one; this emotion feels so toxic.

 

I wish I had some old dishes... really do feel like breaking things today.

 

but, also really want to write him a letter with my words and send it to him, though I KNOW that goes against the NC purposes.

 

wouldn't writing out some of my thoughts, feelings and words ( without any expectation of a reply or anything back) be okay, healthy too?

get it off my chest, out of my heart and take some of the anger and direct it back to the source.

 

 

*It only becomes toxic when you bottle it up.

 

Writing it out can be helpful.

 

Any way of externalising it can be helpful.

 

Externalising it is the key.

 

Personally, I'd write a letter, but I wouldn't send it.

 

I think your instincts will guide you very well.

 

Put your trust in that.

[ephemeralme]

*It only becomes toxic when you bottle it up.

 

Writing it out can be helpful.

 

Any way of externalising it can be helpful.

 

Externalising it is the key.

 

Personally, I'd write a letter, but I wouldn't send it.

 

I think your instincts will guide you very well.

 

Put your trust in that.

 

 

Satu-

I nod reading your words.....

simple, truthful, insightful and empowering. much gratitude.

 

 

thank you!!!!!!!

I will write, and wait with sending... I am waiting on a $ too, so...

keep telling myself give it another week.

 

BUT- will find a way to detox myself of this poison...

thank you for reminding me why it feels that way..

 

sometimes, in the midst of sadness, pain, emotional upheaval and reflection... one becomes lost

 

by the graces of; may I give back to another in need.

[darkbloom]

Anger is completely healthy. I get in my car and turn up the music and rage at him when it gets too full. I feel so much better when I'm done. I also write angry notes and then rip them into pieces.

 

The anger goes away after a couple of months. It gets easier to deal with it.

[ephemeralme]

Anger is completely healthy. I get in my car and turn up the music and rage at him when it gets too full. I feel so much better when I'm done. I also write angry notes and then rip them into pieces.

 

The anger goes away after a couple of months. It gets easier to deal with it.

 

darkbloom -- thank you.

 

I have been listening to Queen, ALOT.. F. Mercury actually really did put his heart out into his music and lyrics.

maybe I should turn to some Metal instead and get some headbangin' going.

 

ugh, no that really doesn't sound great .. but it was a thought. I wish I had a set of drums.

or a set of junky dishes.

 

I REALLY wish time could just fly by faster in this instance; not one to wish my life away but THIS hurting is not time friendly.

 

I actually want to write to him, and send it with a torn up photo of us. I likely won't do that .. its the dramatic side of my hurt.

[TunaCat]

Anger is TOTALLY normal.

 

In the days immediately following my unexpected breakup, I spent a lot of time with my punching bag in the garage. I also channeled my anger into cleaning out my closet.

[ephemeralme]

Anger is TOTALLY normal.

 

In the days immediately following my unexpected breakup, I spent a lot of time with my punching bag in the garage. I also channeled my anger into cleaning out my closet.

 

Tunacat.... can I borrow your punching bag....

I wax between keeping calm and in the midst of "mind writing a letter to him" I find fury and anger and hate.

 

 

thank you for sharing the "normal" .... of it.

 

 

I went for a walk today but that really didn't settle the rage growing...

I know it needs to be more "physical" and fruitful....

 

 

I was grateful to laugh a giant laugh at my dogs this evening. my sweet four legged loves.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Anger is TOTALLY normal.

 

In the days immediately following my unexpected breakup, I spent a lot of time with my punching bag in the garage. I also channeled my anger into cleaning out my closet.

 

 

Disposing of some past skeletons perhaps?...

 

 

The double edged sword of coping... You need to cope with anger in order to cope the breakup. I deal with anger by being alone and in my head, TunaCat exerts her anger into the physical realm. Most people do not experience true anger very often so when they finally do it's jarring. Just like coping with any other emotion, you need to figure out the best way for you to exert that energy.

[imbax]

its been a bit over a month sinc the BU/end of engagement.

He ended it on the phone; filled me with plenty of blame on my part and hurtful things.

Whist, I am truly looking into myself and trying to look at myself, my issues/baggage with a therapist....

I am left with his words, his blame and in turn am left feelig and believe I am so broken and so unfit to be in a R.

something I have thought is; it isn't enough to be kind, caring, loving, filled with compassion, passion, support, understanding, morals, intellect etc...

it just isn't enough ...

Yes, I was very upfront with my cards; on the table from the get go about my own stuff- my insecurities and expereinces. He knew them.

 

 

Today.. though, I am finding my won anger. I am looking at his part of the R and finding some *comfort* in things I see of him that were his shortcomings.

BUT- I want my turn... I want to give him some of the hurt he gave me by unloading all this blame onto me.

There is anger .... he walked away.. I didn't even when we had our challenges because of his issues. I held on to love and belief that it takes work, effort and communication to keep any R strong.

I am effen pissed off he chose the weak path, I am effen pissed off he dumped a boat load of blame on me

I am effen pissed off at him for letting believe and trust he was committed.

 

damn him!

 

what to do with this anger????? I don't know where to put it? because I really want to unleash it onto him today.

 

does the anger for your ex ever go away? ( I am not typically an angry person and it is unlikely for anyone to see me as angry) ...

 

I don't want to become bitter and angry and let the poison of his words stabbed into me like a poisonous dart ... just keep leaking into me.

 

I feel you. I did everything in my power to make the relationship to work too, my mentality is that whatever problems that we may have, we can fix it by talking and negotiating. Towards the end, she told me she was "sick of trying", "didn't want to compromise and meet me halfway anymore". AFTER 3.5years!!!!!!!? I'm so angry with myself for putting up with everything she has done to me, I have NO RESPECT for myself. She never tried yet always told me she was "doing her best"??? GRRR

[ephemeralme]

Disposing of some past skeletons perhaps?...

 

 

The double edged sword of coping... You need to cope with anger in order to cope the breakup. I deal with anger by being alone and in my head, TunaCat exerts her anger into the physical realm. Most people do not experience true anger very often so when they finally do it's jarring. Just like coping with any other emotion, you need to figure out the best way for you to exert that energy.

most poignant..

and very true...

never even thought of it in that context.

 

 

I haven't put my anger out there yet.... I wrote a letter today but it contains no anger... instead, it just left me teary, and more sad and filled with hurt ..

the anger will come back I am sure... just disappeared today.

Like a yo-yo I am.

[ephemeralme]

I feel you. I did everything in my power to make the relationship to work too, my mentality is that whatever problems that we may have, we can fix it by talking and negotiating. Towards the end, she told me she was "sick of trying", "didn't want to compromise and meet me halfway anymore". AFTER 3.5years!!!!!!!? I'm so angry with myself for putting up with everything she has done to me, I have NO RESPECT for myself. She never tried yet always told me she was "doing her best"??? GRRR

 

and yet, likely--if you and I hadn't done our everything; we'd have found ourselves in regret and second guessing the things we should have done but didn't do.

[Jimmyjackson]

darkbloom -- thank you.

 

I have been listening to Queen, ALOT.. F. Mercury actually really did put his heart out into his music and lyrics.

maybe I should turn to some Metal instead and get some headbangin' going.

 

ugh, no that really doesn't sound great .. but it was a thought. I wish I had a set of drums.

or a set of junky dishes.

 

I REALLY wish time could just fly by faster in this instance; not one to wish my life away but THIS hurting is not time friendly.

 

I actually want to write to him, and send it with a torn up photo of us. I likely won't do that .. its the dramatic side of my hurt.

 

Listen to my favourite band; Arctic Monkeys. Their 4th album titled 'Suck it and see' is a break up album, you might relate to the lyrics. Alex Turner is a genius lyricist.

 

The anger goes when it goes, I think your mind gets tired of dwelling on it eventfully and let's go...

[Lion Heart]

darkbloom -- thank you.

 

I have been listening to Queen, ALOT.. F. Mercury actually really did put his heart out into his music and lyrics.

maybe I should turn to some Metal instead and get some headbangin' going.

 

ugh, no that really doesn't sound great .. but it was a thought. I wish I had a set of drums.

or a set of junky dishes.

 

I REALLY wish time could just fly by faster in this instance; not one to wish my life away but THIS hurting is not time friendly.

 

I actually want to write to him, and send it with a torn up photo of us. I likely won't do that .. its the dramatic side of my hurt.

 

Gosh this post reminded me of a scene I saw in a movie years ago. Was it how to make an American quilt?

 

One character spent YEARS smashing plates and ALL sorts of things. I have a feeling because her H had an A but that's probably my projection at the moment! Lol.

 

Then was it after her H died, she made a massive mosaic in the laundry? Or did she pull the mosaic down after he died? IDK.

 

I've never been angrier in my whole entire life than in the last almost 5 months since my D Day. I'm thinking it's BECAUSE WH is still here. Oh so many reasons to be angry for his present behaviours, let alone his past ones!

I'm sick of him. He lists my billions of "flaws" which are f***ing ridiculous, no sane person would think they're on the "flaws" list. Most would cheer that I'm all those things. Instead of trying to make WH understand ANYTHING now, I just say "Great! You agree there's NO POINT in trying to reconcile because I'm some evil, crazy b that you couldn't possibly reconcile WITH! Good! I never wanted a cheating, lying H or father for my children.

So leave. I want a divorce." Then he says he'll try harder. Why!!!!

 

I'm starting to go quite insane. I'm furious that he told all and sundry what a bad person I was (when no one else holds that opinion at all. Including my two ex husbands! ) and then has an A after who knows how many EAs and attempted As. Now wants to reconcile? Bit late hey??

 

In saying all that, and this will sound ridiculous, I'm so happy I'm angry (lol) because I know I'm not depressed. Anger is the step up from depression. If I tried to gag my anger then I'd become depressed because it's happened before. I know myself.

 

I'm angry out of sheer frustration. A feeling of "it's not fair" because it hasn't been.

 

I do write my feelings down.

I walk hard with strong strides and purpose.

But the thing I suspected 2 days ago was that I haven't done anything much for myself in the last few weeks.

 

I've just GOT to. Plus f*** it I AM GONNA BUY A WET SUIT TO SURF IN WINTER. Ofcourse WH has to dictate every bl**dy thing but we've had separate finances for almost a decade.

He keeps trying to get me to give him $$ but I refuse.

 

Just paid a deposit for 8 of us (me and my children) to go to a tropical country for my 50th this year. I'm paying with my money and I WILL BECAUSE I CAN AND SHOULD! He whinged about where and for how long. Oh pi$$ off then. Stay home. I'm gonna enjoy myself SO much more without the constant negative complaining. He's so tiresome. When he could CHOOSE to be happy he was invited or that I was paying for everything or a million other things that WE ARE ALL EXCITED ABOUT.

Prior to WH A I paid $2500 / month on the mortgage for the dumb house he couldn't afford PLUS paid his credit card out in full WHILE he was having an A. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am so angry that he keeps asking for my money. NPD completely.

 

GOSH I've got to change my mood REAL FAST. Tomorrow I'm gonna download photos of our holiday destination AND a heap of good quotes and funny quips and put them on the walls everywhere! That'll do it.

 

Thankyou for letting me rant. I'm hungry now!

 

XXX Growling Lion Heart.

[Lion Heart]

As for great music to listen to, Dave Groll just MUST have been hurt in his past many times. I love the Foo Fighters. Saw them from a mosh pit a few years ago.

 

He** I may as well fly to see U2 too!

 

Ok food then bed.

LH

[ephemeralme]

Gosh this post reminded me of a scene I saw in a movie years ago. Was it how to make an American quilt?

 

One character spent YEARS smashing plates and ALL sorts of things. I have a feeling because her H had an A but that's probably my projection at the moment! Lol.

 

Then was it after her H died, she made a massive mosaic in the laundry? Or did she pull the mosaic down after he died? IDK.

 

I've never been angrier in my whole entire life than in the last almost 5 months since my D Day. I'm thinking it's BECAUSE WH is still here. Oh so many reasons to be angry for his present behaviours, let alone his past ones!

I'm sick of him. He lists my billions of "flaws" which are f***ing ridiculous, no sane person would think they're on the "flaws" list. Most would cheer that I'm all those things. Instead of trying to make WH understand ANYTHING now, I just say "Great! You agree there's NO POINT in trying to reconcile because I'm some evil, crazy b that you couldn't possibly reconcile WITH! Good! I never wanted a cheating, lying H or father for my children.

So leave. I want a divorce." Then he says he'll try harder. Why!!!!

 

I'm starting to go quite insane. I'm furious that he told all and sundry what a bad person I was (when no one else holds that opinion at all. Including my two ex husbands! ) and then has an A after who knows how many EAs and attempted As. Now wants to reconcile? Bit late hey??

 

In saying all that, and this will sound ridiculous, I'm so happy I'm angry (lol) because I know I'm not depressed. Anger is the step up from depression. If I tried to gag my anger then I'd become depressed because it's happened before. I know myself.

 

I'm angry out of sheer frustration. A feeling of "it's not fair" because it hasn't been.

 

I do write my feelings down.

I walk hard with strong strides and purpose.

But the thing I suspected 2 days ago was that I haven't done anything much for myself in the last few weeks.

 

I've just GOT to. Plus f*** it I AM GONNA BUY A WET SUIT TO SURF IN WINTER. Ofcourse WH has to dictate every bl**dy thing but we've had separate finances for almost a decade.

He keeps trying to get me to give him $$ but I refuse.

 

Just paid a deposit for 8 of us (me and my children) to go to a tropical country for my 50th this year. I'm paying with my money and I WILL BECAUSE I CAN AND SHOULD! He whinged about where and for how long. Oh pi$$ off then. Stay home. I'm gonna enjoy myself SO much more without the constant negative complaining. He's so tiresome. When he could CHOOSE to be happy he was invited or that I was paying for everything or a million other things that WE ARE ALL EXCITED ABOUT.

Prior to WH A I paid $2500 / month on the mortgage for the dumb house he couldn't afford PLUS paid his credit card out in full WHILE he was having an A. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am so angry that he keeps asking for my money. NPD completely.

 

GOSH I've got to change my mood REAL FAST. Tomorrow I'm gonna download photos of our holiday destination AND a heap of good quotes and funny quips and put them on the walls everywhere! That'll do it.

 

Thankyou for letting me rant. I'm hungry now!

 

XXX Growling Lion Heart.

 

 

dear Lionheart!

Kudos to your anger, to knowing yourself and to your plans to travel with your kids for your 50th.

so awesome.

 

not to make light of your circumstances or your place in life... but you actually made me giggle!

and without seeing your location; I had a *sense* you are from Australia.

I have a small profile of FB friends; one from Australia and she has such a great wit and view of life.

 

I will write a bit more... later- not opportune time for me...

but wanted to just say...

 

hi, and thanks for the giggle.

and yes.... the anger is certainly much better than depression.

I vascilate between little triggers of anger and more depression right now but it is only 5 weeks from BU ...

soooo, I am trying to find the anger and embrace it as it shows itself.

 

I also, ( would get noodle lashes) for it here on LS, but wrote out my letter.. not closure, not wanting anything back,not of anger..

but just my view of things and basically..to remove the toxic poisoned arrow he darted into me.... with all the blame he unloaded on me day of BU.

 

I wrote, and sent the letter for ME. for my healing. for my need to get rid of some of his poison.