I thought i was making progress....

[Justm3x]

I really thought i was making progress, did all the things i was told to do, I even did the biggest thing ever for me and changed my mobile phone number. I didn't want to be looking at my phone every few minutes and hoping he would text or call me gain. He doesn't have Facebook or twitter so i've done no stalking.

 

I really thought i was making progress,14 months on and im not. I go out shopping and just burst into tears while im out, I work out and even while im working out im thinking of him.. I hate him for doing this to me.

 

My friends keep telling me 7 years was a long time and they keep reminding me of how i was feeling when he cheated and gambled and lied to me, i agree i hated it and him, but i get these horrible feelings deep down in my stomach that comes from no where, a hurt a fear so bad that i cant breathe and then i cry knowing im never going to see him again, its like a panic that drives me crazy. I've been seeing a therapist for a year but she tries to get me to control these feelings but they come out of no where. I've tried the anti depressants but they don't stop me thinking about him.

 

I keep telling myself its because im lonely but why is he happy with that woman he cheated on me with and im not, he did so many horrible things, i didn't so why am i hurting still and he's happy.... its just not fair.

 

Ive tried dating again, i get to the point of chatting on the phone and then i think of my ex and think its not fair on this other person when my heart and mind is not in it and then i call it a day and block them on my mobile.

 

I don't know what else i can do.... im at a loss.... i don't want to be here sometimes, i have thoughts that if i wasn't here anymore it would stop hurting....

 

When will it stop hurting?

[crimsontactics]

I really thought i was making progress, did all the things i was told to do, I even did the biggest thing ever for me and changed my mobile phone number. I didn't want to be looking at my phone every few minutes and hoping he would text or call me gain. He doesn't have Facebook or twitter so i've done no stalking.

 

I really thought i was making progress,14 months on and im not. I go out shopping and just burst into tears while im out, I work out and even while im working out im thinking of him.. I hate him for doing this to me.

 

My friends keep telling me 7 years was a long time and they keep reminding me of how i was feeling when he cheated and gambled and lied to me, i agree i hated it and him, but i get these horrible feelings deep down in my stomach that comes from no where, a hurt a fear so bad that i cant breathe and then i cry knowing im never going to see him again, its like a panic that drives me crazy. I've been seeing a therapist for a year but she tries to get me to control these feelings but they come out of no where. I've tried the anti depressants but they don't stop me thinking about him.

 

I keep telling myself its because im lonely but why is he happy with that woman he cheated on me with and im not, he did so many horrible things, i didn't so why am i hurting still and he's happy.... its just not fair.

 

Ive tried dating again, i get to the point of chatting on the phone and then i think of my ex and think its not fair on this other person when my heart and mind is not in it and then i call it a day and block them on my mobile.

 

I don't know what else i can do.... im at a loss.... i don't want to be here sometimes, i have thoughts that if i wasn't here anymore it would stop hurting....

 

When will it stop hurting?

 

Hi Justm3x,

 

It's great that you've written here to seek help. Many people actually continue to suffer in silent despite being in pain for a long duration of time.

 

From my observation, not getting over your ex despite being in NC for 14 months is a pretty serious problem, despite the fact that you were together for 7 years.

 

In my personal opinion, the wisest thing to do now is to continue NC and seek a professional psychiatrist! You cannot fight this demon alone.

 

All the best babe!

[Ruby65]

I'd say it's probably still a bit too soon for you to start dating other guys.

 

You were together for seven years. I haven't read your other threads, but it sounds like a horrible betrayal. I was cheated on in my last relationship and I can tell you there's nothing worse.... nothing. That pain was just crazy-bad, and it took a long time to get over -- the pain and the anger.

 

Here's the deal: it will take you EXACTLY AS LONG AS IT TAKES to recover, and not one day sooner.

 

Don't beat yourself up. You're on the path and getting better, it just takes time.

 

I'm a big believer in therapy.... but when when it comes to breakups, most therapists don't have a clue (IMHO). Is your therapist talking to you about abandonment in general? Breakups trigger our most primal fears of abandonment.... our little reptile brains go into desperate survival modes.... our very lives feel in jeopardy.... and yeah, if you have any abandonment issues relating to your childhood? A lying cheating boyfriend is going to bring them ALL out.

 

Personally, I don't think 14 months is such a big deal to get over a 7 year relationship. I've taken that long to get over just a two year relationship! Give yourself a break.

 

As for your gambling-cheating-lying ex and his skanky new cheater girlfriend? Well.... a relationship that begins with infidelity.... ends with infidelity. They might be enjoying themselves for the moment, but you know what they say: if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

 

You've done the right thing by changing your number... I've been there and I know how hard that is! Just keep moving forward, day by day.

 

What else have you done to help yourself feel better, aside from checking out other guys, working out and therapy? A breakup is an opportunity to really work on yourself, to develop new passions and life goals, to make new friendships. Yeah, love is important -- but self-love is something that has to be worked on and nurtured as well.

 

You need to find new activities that feed your soul and make you happy just to do them.... so what have you been up to?

[Justm3x]

Ive done nothing much in 14 months.... ive lost 3 stone which i needed to but it means nothing.... I was left disabled from surgery that went wrong 9 years ago so i sit and dwell on that... i look at myself and think who the hell is going to want me now, i suffer with depression and post traumatic stress disorder.... i hate the fact i wasted 7 years on this man who has left me in bits....when he contacted me in November telling me he missed me i was full of hope and then he betrayed me again when he had a change of heart with in 48 hours.... it was the day of my dads funeral... i was devastated.

 

I was the one who ended the relationship because of trust issues, the gambling, the lying i couldn't take it anymore. I know he has been snooping about and wondering what im doing because of the texts he sent me... he had no way of knowing my dad had died other than snooping around. I know his girlfriend doesn't trust him she found out he had been texting me telling me how much he missed me and how unhappy he was at the way he had treated me.... she has been snooping on me too. but i dont care about her.... i have deleted all my social media accounts, pinterest, instagram facebook and twitter because i know he looks at my pictures.... i don't want him to know what im doing, because i know that bugs him.

 

I have seen a psychiatrist and i know it doesn't matter how many times they tell me to forget about him, i cant.

[Ruby65]

Okay, so -- other than lose some weight, work out and see a psychiatrist.... you've done nothing to move on?

 

Don't even try to forget him... not going to happen.

 

Think about the scope of the void in your life that needs to be filled by losing someone you're in love with. You need to find something that feeds your soul and makes you happy just to do it.

 

You need new activities. A way to make new friends. A new life goal.... a new hobby or passion or career goal... something larger than yourself that you can lose yourself in and feel happy about.

 

[Justm3x]

I dont have the drive or energy to do anything Ruby, i sometimes dont have the energy to get out of bed.... I cant work because of my injuries i moved for him to a place i have no friends... i lived in london and moved up north and i have no friends here. Its difficult making friends when you get to a certain age.

 

Working out was going great, i have my own gym at home but then my mood spiralled after my dad died in November.... so i walk past the gym and think nah im not up to it today, ive lost the motivation to do anything.

 

making new friends is daunting, scary.... like dating im shying away from it as soon as it gets to the point of meeting up...

[Esraem]

Can you move back to London? It may be good to get a change in scenery, even it is somewhere familiar and have those old friends help.

[Ruby65]

I'm sure I'm at least as old as you are, if not older.

 

Check out meetup.com and find a group that's doing an activity you enjoy, you'll make friends. Volunteer once a week at a charity you care about. My favorite is to volunteer to pet the cats/walk the dogs at a no-kill shelter.

 

Stop making excuses. Challenge yourself. If you don't start doing things differently, you'll just stay where you are now.

[Justm3x]

Its difficult to move back to London...its so expensive moving back, it means selling a big house with garden which is fine for the 2 dogs and 2 daughters when they come home from uni. Moving back would mean moving into a 2 bed flat and re homing my dogs. My dogs have saved my life, they have been the ones that have kept me going, made me get out of bed. I do have all my friends and family there, but ive become a bit of a loner, recluse, but i think thats because i have nothing and no where to go here on my own.

 

Also i have an amazing support network here with doctors and mental health nurses, who i see every week and are there for me 24/7 and i know if i move back to London I wont get the same support and that worries me.

 

Im 52 but thankfully i have my mothers gene's and only look like im in my late 30's early 40's.... My mental health nurse has suggested volunteering to get me out into the community more. I have been on the website meetup.com but have been to scared to go any further...... but i will try and again and see what happens.... Thank you

[Zetec]

I dont have the drive or energy to do anything Ruby, i sometimes dont have the energy to get out of bed.... I cant work because of my injuries i moved for him to a place i have no friends... i lived in london and moved up north and i have no friends here. Its difficult making friends when you get to a certain age.

 

Working out was going great, i have my own gym at home but then my mood spiralled after my dad died in November.... so i walk past the gym and think nah im not up to it today, ive lost the motivation to do anything.

 

making new friends is daunting, scary.... like dating im shying away from it as soon as it gets to the point of meeting up...

 

I can sympathize with you there - as someone who is also suffering from depression, its not as easy as just 'getting out there' and 'doing something'. (In fact, when people tell me to do that it just annoys me) Depression is like a huge weight on your shoulders, sucking all of the life, energy and soul out of your body. It makes you only ever see the negatives in every situation - which makes finding the motivation to do it very difficult.

 

The way that I deal with things is to make myself small, manageable goals that I can accomplish. Rather than take a giant leap into joining the gym, i just go for a little jog for 10 minutes round the block, or do 10 press-ups in my home. I'm not saying you should do that but for me, the little goals are easier to do because they do not overwhelm me.

 

Have you thought about the possibility of moving closer to London, just on the outskirts, which may be a bit cheaper, which could mean you can take your dogs with you? At least then you will be closer to your friends and family - which would make reaching out to them for support a little bit easier? (Again, I can sympathize, the cost of living in London is ridiculous - I think I will be stuck in the midlands forever!!)

 

You sound like a really nice lady, who deserves to meet a man who will treat you a million times better than your ex. I hope you do find him (or he finds you!) one day

[Ruby65]

Seriously, it's not just about "getting out" and "doing something".

 

It's about forcing yourself out into the world and doing something that makes you FEEL GOOD.

 

Something that ISN'T a relationship. Something that feeds your soul and gives you a sense of meaning and purpose. It's about nourishing your inner life.

 

Your mental health nurses suggest volunteering for a reason.

 

Meetup.com is there to help you get out of your current comfort zone.... which isn't serving you well right now.

 

Good luck to you!

[xinaxxsdertf]

to add onto what ruby is saying, you pretty much have to CHANGE. you need to make change in your life. start off with small change and get bigger.

 

think to yourself. if you dont force yourself out, are you going to continue to live every single day sad, depressed and alone. You no longer want to feel that way right? well, you have felt that way for so long that it now needs to be CHANGED. For something to go from "normal" to "new/different" (in your case will be changing from depressed to happy) you need to actually change things. No matter what people tell you, however much advice you get, nothing will work.

 

i noticed this, i had people telling me i need to move on (bad breakup) but i was so upset and sad that i would just wave away their advice. one day i just realized that I am going to continue feeling this way unless I myself make a change. Ive been asking people for a long time, how to stop hurting and being sad. Its not easy, but it is obtainable.

 

Dont waste another year of your life on a man who cheats, lies and gambles.

 

also a piece of advice to the woman he is with: he cheated on his wife of 7 years with you.... what makes you think he wont cheat on you too?

 

goodluck with your healing start readjusting your mindset!

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear how you are feeling. The rejection one feels after a break up can be devastating and, depending on the individual, can last for varying periods of time. A break-up can often appear to reinforce unhappy or anxious feelings from the past, for example, if you have suffered mistreatment or a lack of understanding in childhood or as a teenager, then a break-up can hit you harder than it might someone else.

 

I'm surprised your therapist is trying to get you to control your feelings. While expressing them in many circumstances is not a good idea (e.g. while working), in my opinion feelings are not at all easy to control and one can only manage them and seek to find the root cause of the feeling. Do you have much opportunity to talk about your feelings? I know you are seeing a therapist but do you feel you can be open with him/her?

 

I have found the techniques I learned in a 'More to Life' group very helpful for uncovering what is going on just below the surface when one is struggling to cope with feelings. I don't know if there are any near you. Unfortunately, there is a charge, though I believe they sometimes have grants to enable people to participate. It is similar to CBT but I suspect goes deeper. Writing your feelings down and what beliefs fuel those feelings might help, especially if you challenge those beliefs.

 

It's not your fault you are suffering but, like other posters have said, therapy is most likely to help. If your current therapist is not really helping, it might be best to find someone else who has a good track record.

 

I really hope you feel better soon. xx