Why NC itself isn't enough? A guide to alleviating your post break-up pains.

[crimsontactics]

Have you ever wondered why you felt so painful for so long despite following the NC guide to the letter? Why you have sleepless nights despite cutting contact with your ex months ago? Why you wake up every morning and the first thing you think about is "what went wrong?"

 

The reason is simple. You don't have the truth to your break up, and only the truth will set you free from pain.

 

Now, many people in this forum, including famous ones like CaliGuy and No Foolin, may recommend ignorance to sort of numb and avoid the pain. The thing is folks, if ignorance is so successful, why are you still in pain after so long? I'm not a psychiatrist, but I'm true to my own feelings and I've experimented with different ways to cope. I realized that a proper closure is absolutely necessary for a recovery to be swift. The problem is that many people don't know how to do a proper closure, or even know what is a proper closure. I'm here to show you the way.

 

======================================================

A little background about myself. I'm been through a number of break ups, with my first love cheating on me. So I'm able to relate to most cases of break ups in this forum. I was also a former combat medic and had professional training and personal experience on how to help others cope with loses, many girls dump their men when they enter service. I'm also a passionate reader of psychology and psychotherapy.

======================================================

 

1) Determine if you really loved your partner or not?

 

From my personal experience and experiences with helping others, I realized that the pain we feel after breakup may not actually be from the fact that we love our partners, but from the other more selfish and childish reasons.

 

As No Foolin had pointed out, perhaps your partner was providing a need of yours and his departure had made you jittery. I would go even further. Perhaps you are just like a child who had his toy taken away suddenly, he may not love the toy, but he is just not used to the feeling. Or perhaps you're like an investor experiencing sunk cost fallacy, you can't let go because you've invested a lot in your partner and are expecting returns. These aren't true love folks, so throw that BS out of the window and find out why you feel the way you feel.

 

There are many ways to do this self-reflection, but I feel that the simplest (making you more willing to do it) is to write on a piece of paper what do you like about your partner and what do you hate about your partner honestly. If the latter side is way more than the former side, then you really need to ask if you really did love your partner, and this process will bring you much comfort.

 

P.S. Most men stayed for the sex and are hurt because their source of sexual pleasure is taken away. Don't believe me? Do the reflection and find out for yourself.

 

2) Talk to your ex when he/she is calm. Seriously!

 

Folks, I don't usually guarantee anyone anything. But I can guarantee you this. Your partner's story about what had happened will definitely be different from yours! So ask and LISTEN!!!

 

There is no one true way to go about getting him/her to tell her story. This isn't a sales pitch folks. Slowly probe your way to the truth. Your partner will usually not give it up at once. However, I can provide some tips to get your partner to tell his/her story to you. And you know that knowing the truth can set you free....

 

- Find a quiet location, like a park at night, so that your ex can speak more freely and can express his/her emotions without embarrassment.

- Don't ask Why! Ask whats and hows. Asking why will make your ex agitated.

- Ask your questions by chronological order so that you won't miss anything out.

- Set an atmosphere of honesty! Tell your ex that you're are talking as mature adults and promise each other to tell only the truth, irregardless of feelings.

- Treat this meeting as your last. Ask away!

 

Some default questions:

 

- What do you like about me when we first got together?

- How is the present me different from the past me?

- What were you looking for in a relationship? ***

- Do you still love me?

- Do you want the things to end like this?

 

No hard and fast rules folks. Different strokes for different people. Craft the questions to suit your needs.

 

Protip: The last two questions are meant to increase your chances of your ex getting back with you. From my personal observation, people who asked these two questions have roughly double the chance of getting their ex back than those who just go NC. Tho you have to ask yourself if the relationship is still worth it or not...

 

3) Find out what your ex wants, whether you're able to provide it, and whether you're the ONLY person who can provide it!

 

What were you looking for in a relationship?

 

You asked that question. Now the answer will set you free. If you cannot provide what your ex wants, then sad to say the relationship is not possible to begin with, andthat fact will ease a lot of your pain trust me! We humans are rational creatures. Uncertainty and doubt hurts us like crazy. The reason why we hurt is because we still believe that there is a chance that you can get back with your ex. Knowing that the relationship is impossible will hasten your recovery as you now know what went wrong with the relationship.

 

Here is a personal experience of mine. When I was in the military, I was approached by this gay guy who wanted to be together with me. He was gorgeous, rich, comes from a good background, has good attitude and character and he is able to get any girls of the streets with a flick of his fingers. The perfect guy! But the thing is, I'm not gay! He can't satisfy my wants and therefore a relationship is impossible to begin with and there isn't a need to feel hurt for both parties!

 

Not only that, you also have to be the ONLY ONE to be able to provide your ex with his/her wants. If not, why would your ex stay?

 

========================================================

I'm still working on this guide, but the above three methods will ease a big chunk of your pain, help you to recover and live a fuller life.

 

I've been there and done that. Why don't you try out my way?

[ballycastle]

Have you ever wondered why you felt so painful for so long despite following the NC guide to the letter? Why you have sleepless nights despite cutting contact with your ex months ago? Why you wake up every morning and the first thing you think about is "what went wrong?"

 

The reason is simple. You don't have the truth to your break up, and only the truth will set you free from pain.

 

Now, many people in this forum, including famous ones like CaliGuy and No Foolin, may recommend ignorance to sort of numb and avoid the pain. The thing is folks, if ignorance is so successful, why are you still in pain after so long? I'm not a psychiatrist, but I'm true to my own feelings and I've experimented with different ways to cope. I realized that a proper closure is absolutely necessary for a recovery to be swift. The problem is that many people don't know how to do a proper closure, or even know what is a proper closure. I'm here to show you the way.

 

======================================================

A little background about myself. I'm been through a number of break ups, with my first love cheating on me. So I'm able to relate to most cases of break ups in this forum. I was also a former combat medic and had professional training and personal experience on how to help others cope with loses, many girls dump their men when they enter service. I'm also a passionate reader of psychology and psychotherapy.

======================================================

 

1) Determine if you really loved your partner or not?

 

From my personal experience and experiences with helping others, I realized that the pain we feel after breakup may not actually be from the fact that we love our partners, but from the other more selfish and childish reasons.

 

As No Foolin had pointed out, perhaps your partner was providing a need of yours and his departure had made you jittery. I would go even further. Perhaps you are just like a child who had his toy taken away suddenly, he may not love the toy, but he is just not used to the feeling. Or perhaps you're like an investor experiencing sunk cost fallacy, you can't let go because you've invested a lot in your partner and are expecting returns. These aren't true love folks, so throw that BS out of the window and find out why you feel the way you feel.

 

There are many ways to do this self-reflection, but I feel that the simplest (making you more willing to do it) is to write on a piece of paper what do you like about your partner and what do you hate about your partner honestly. If the latter side is way more than the former side, then you really need to ask if you really did love your partner, and this process will bring you much comfort.

 

P.S. Most men stayed for the sex and are hurt because their source of sexual pleasure is taken away. Don't believe me? Do the reflection and find out for yourself.

 

2) Talk to your ex when he/she is calm. Seriously!

 

Folks, I don't usually guarantee anyone anything. But I can guarantee you this. Your partner's story about what had happened will definitely be different from yours! So ask and LISTEN!!!

 

There is no one true way to go about getting him/her to tell her story. This isn't a sales pitch folks. Slowly probe your way to the truth. Your partner will usually not give it up at once. However, I can provide some tips to get your partner to tell his/her story to you. And you know that knowing the truth can set you free....

 

- Find a quiet location, like a park at night, so that your ex can speak more freely and can express his/her emotions without embarrassment.

- Don't ask Why! Ask whats and hows. Asking why will make your ex agitated.

- Ask your questions by chronological order so that you won't miss anything out.

- Set an atmosphere of honesty! Tell your ex that you're are talking as mature adults and promise each other to tell only the truth, irregardless of feelings.

- Treat this meeting as your last. Ask away!

 

Some default questions:

 

- What do you like about me when we first got together?

- How is the present me different from the past me?

- What were you looking for in a relationship? ***

- Do you still love me?

- Do you want the things to end like this?

 

No hard and fast rules folks. Different strokes for different people. Craft the questions to suit your needs.

 

Protip: The last two questions are meant to increase your chances of your ex getting back with you. From my personal observation, people who asked these two questions have roughly double the chance of getting their ex back than those who just go NC. Tho you have to ask yourself if the relationship is still worth it or not...

 

3) Find out what your ex wants, whether you're able to provide it, and whether you're the ONLY person who can provide it!

 

What were you looking for in a relationship?

 

You asked that question. Now the answer will set you free. If you cannot provide what your ex wants, then sad to say the relationship is not possible to begin with, andthat fact will ease a lot of your pain trust me! We humans are rational creatures. Uncertainty and doubt hurts us like crazy. The reason why we hurt is because we still believe that there is a chance that you can get back with your ex. Knowing that the relationship is impossible will hasten your recovery as you now know what went wrong with the relationship.

 

Here is a personal experience of mine. When I was in the military, I was approached by this gay guy who wanted to be together with me. He was gorgeous, rich, comes from a good background, has good attitude and character and he is able to get any girls of the streets with a flick of his fingers. The perfect guy! But the thing is, I'm not gay! He can't satisfy my wants and therefore a relationship is impossible to begin with and there isn't a need to feel hurt for both parties!

 

Not only that, you also have to be the ONLY ONE to be able to provide your ex with his/her wants. If not, why would your ex stay?

 

========================================================

I'm still working on this guide, but the above three methods will ease a big chunk of your pain, help you to recover and live a fuller life.

 

I've been there and done that. Why don't you try out my way?

 

 

Some good points but not sure if still would get the truth from an ex. If you did, you would still be with that person.

 

 

I hurt because of how brutally I was dumped and how I didn't get to have my say at all. I am still not sure if that would have made a different as the gun was already loaded, bullet out of the pistol. Nothing I would have done or said would have made any difference.

 

 

I am hurting because all my life I have been abandoned and so I am replicating abandonment with the partners I chose.

 

 

It is not always them.

 

 

Sometimes it's us.

[crimsontactics]

Some good points but not sure if still would get the truth from an ex. If you did, you would still be with that person.

 

 

I hurt because of how brutally I was dumped and how I didn't get to have my say at all. I am still not sure if that would have made a different as the gun was already loaded, bullet out of the pistol. Nothing I would have done or said would have made any difference.

 

 

I am hurting because all my life I have been abandoned and so I am replicating abandonment with the partners I chose.

 

 

It is not always them.

 

 

Sometimes it's us.

 

Two questions.

 

Firstly, have you ever had an honest chat with your ex before when you guys were together?

 

Secondly, if you know you can't get the truth from your ex, a.k.a your ex is a chronic liar, why did you get into a relationship with him/her in the first place?

 

I agree with you that most of the time the problem lies with us. But it's not the way you thought it to be.

 

The problem lies with us because we're lazy or fearful to find out the truth. And that is whats hurting us.

[embeu]

You do not really know your ex until you see how he\she behaves during the break up.

 

It is not as if everyone who refuse to give you closure is a chronic liar, some people just cant handle seeing how their actions affects you. They just sweep them under the rug.

[crimsontactics]

You do not really know your ex until you see how he\she behaves during the break up.

 

It is not as if everyone who refuse to give you closure is a chronic liar, some people just cant handle seeing how their actions affects you. They just sweep them under the rug.

 

So you got into a serious relationship without even knowing your ex fully?

 

See what I'm getting at?

 

Love isn't all that complicated folks. Most of my servicemen I counselled are hurt badly by their breakup because they got into a serious relationship without setting definitions or boundaries or knowing what kind of person their ex are. And it's not because of their lower median age folks. There are older NCOs and officers who face these kind of problems too.

 

And the only way to solve this hurt is to seek the truth to the answer.

 

Furthermore, why do people assume that their ex will lie to them for whatever reasons? Is it because they're afraid that you may be hurt? Heck, breaking up with you hurts you like hell and they know it! But they are still doing it anyways right?

 

Wake up folks! Don't give yourself any excuse whatsoever from finding out the truth, because only the truth can ease your pain.

 

Be honest with your exes and tell them that the truth can heal you. Most of them will be willing to tell you then. For the others, they're just chronic liars and you shouldn't begin a relationship with them in the first place. Count your blessings.

Edited April 26, 2015 by crimsontactics

[embeu]

I like your advice, but i have to give a warning to all dumpees out their seeking the truth.

 

I have tried seeking the truth with my ex. I waited some time before i sent my ex a long email. I did it by mail so that it was a bit more impersonal, hoping it would be easier for her to give it to me straight that way.

I did not get any answer, nothing. It was as if i was rejected all over again and it set me back to square one.

 

Now it has been a little over 5 months since my 6 month long relationship came to an end. I am starting to feel better now and i am not desperately looking for answers anymore.

Part of the reason this took me so long is because i sent her 3-4 emails looking for the truth. The fact that she did not respect me enough to respond was hard, i had always been kind and respectful to her.

But what was even harder was all the new questions i got; why wont she even show me the kindness several months after the break up?

 

I think that last question is whats REALLY keeping me from moving on. If anything i would advice all dumpees to try and get your answers during or right after the break up. Dont beg or plead, just ask them the question straight out. Every day i regret not doing that, thinking and hoping that she would call or text me asking to talk. It is hard knowing you are that replacable.

[crimsontactics]

I like your advice, but i have to give a warning to all dumpees out their seeking the truth.

 

I have tried seeking the truth with my ex. I waited some time before i sent my ex a long email. I did it by mail so that it was a bit more impersonal, hoping it would be easier for her to give it to me straight that way.

I did not get any answer, nothing. It was as if i was rejected all over again and it set me back to square one.

 

Now it has been a little over 5 months since my 6 month long relationship came to an end. I am starting to feel better now and i am not desperately looking for answers anymore.

Part of the reason this took me so long is because i sent her 3-4 emails looking for the truth. The fact that she did not respect me enough to respond was hard, i had always been kind and respectful to her.

But what was even harder was all the new questions i got; why wont she even show me the kindness several months after the break up?

 

I think that last question is whats REALLY keeping me from moving on. If anything i would advice all dumpees to try and get your answers during or right after the break up. Dont beg or plead, just ask them the question straight out. Every day i regret not doing that, thinking and hoping that she would call or text me asking to talk. It is hard knowing you are that replacable.

 

Thank you for your kind words!

 

Have you considered finding the truth from yourself as well by using method 1? It may not be the whole truth but I think it is still a significant portion of it.

 

And you don't have to worry about how your ex will react as the exercise is done on yourself by yourself.

[spiderowl]

I agree with your views about the not knowing why being a big barrier to moving on and healing. However, I don't know that an ex telling you why they broke up with you would really help, especially if they were honest and told you of your failings. Those failings might be true failings or they might simply be things that bugged your ex but that no-one else would have been bothered by. It could potentially be even more hurtful to not only be dumped but then to have a list of your failings read out to you by someone who matters/mattered to you.

 

I think it might be far more effective if people accept that they are not going to get answers and that there is nothing to be gained by seeking them. In some cases, people's feelings change for reasons they can't always pin down, then after that everything their partner does appears annoying or obnoxious. It does not mean that those acts were obnoxious, just that they appear that way because fundamental feelings have changed. It would not help a person to have their partner's disgust spelled out to them. What might be more useful would be to recollect when the partner started to seem cut off or distant because that's the point at which they would have had little chance of reconciliation. That's the point at which everything they did would have been annoying to the dumper. Furthermore, it may have had nothing to do with them. People's feelings change unconsciously before they become conscious.

 

None of us know why feelings change, unless there is a very obvious trigger, like a partner has become an alcoholic or become physically abusive or something, so it is best to accept they just did and to let go of that person. They are no longer the person you started dating.

[crimsontactics]

I agree with your views about the not knowing why being a big barrier to moving on and healing. However, I don't know that an ex telling you why they broke up with you would really help, especially if they were honest and told you of your failings. Those failings might be true failings or they might simply be things that bugged your ex but that no-one else would have been bothered by. It could potentially be even more hurtful to not only be dumped but then to have a list of your failings read out to you by someone who matters/mattered to you.

 

I think it might be far more effective if people accept that they are not going to get answers and that there is nothing to be gained by seeking them. In some cases, people's feelings change for reasons they can't always pin down, then after that everything their partner does appears annoying or obnoxious. It does not mean that those acts were obnoxious, just that they appear that way because fundamental feelings have changed. It would not help a person to have their partner's disgust spelled out to them. What might be more useful would be to recollect when the partner started to seem cut off or distant because that's the point at which they would have had little chance of reconciliation. That's the point at which everything they did would have been annoying to the dumper. Furthermore, it may have had nothing to do with them. People's feelings change unconsciously before they become conscious.

 

None of us know why feelings change, unless there is a very obvious trigger, like a partner has become an alcoholic or become physically abusive or something, so it is best to accept they just did and to let go of that person. They are no longer the person you started dating.

 

Thank you for your reply!

 

Just as different people fall in love for different reasons, different people will have to cope using different method. The method I'm advocating is to seek information so as to convince yourself that the relationship is impossible, thereby allowing you to recover.

 

From my personal experience with breakups and helping other servicemen cope with theirs, I realized that major source of hurt and pain comes from the fact that we think there is still a shot at the relationship. In order to stop being delusional, we need information, simply because as humans, we're curious creatures with a need to know.

 

Of course, getting said information isn't easy, but so is healing a broken heart. Why not give it a try then? You feel like you've lost everything by losing your ex, what else is there to lose right?

[Calidude6]

My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago, I never really asked for the reason why as I kind of know why but not even 50% do I think I'm right. However, she did say, "I tried multiple times on how I was feeling in the relationship by telling you and it didn't get better" but even with our talks during our relationship, I believe there is more to that.

 

I am in the process of doing the NC because I've already contacted her about every 3 weeks and nothing has changed of course. I'm still in pain because of hope and not letting go. She saying things like I miss you, you're such a great handsome man, this wasn't easy for me, you were a big part of my life, and IDK THE FUTURE but I love you. I hate that she said that because it's like she's trying to leave the door open in case she comes back. I'm not just going to sit here and wait for her as if another opportunity comes by ill take it but if I'm single I'll definitely want a new start with her.

 

At this point, I think it's too late to ask for the real truth with my letter, flowers, and closure txt I sent her. I think all I can do is try to feel better and move on and if it's meant to be, we'll cross roads again. That's actually happened to me before, my ex before her. So I guess for now, I'll do my best to feel better and see what happens.

[crimsontactics]

My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago, I never really asked for the reason why as I kind of know why but not even 50% do I think I'm right. However, she did say, "I tried multiple times on how I was feeling in the relationship by telling you and it didn't get better" but even with our talks during our relationship, I believe there is more to that.

 

I am in the process of doing the NC because I've already contacted her about every 3 weeks and nothing has changed of course. I'm still in pain because of hope and not letting go. She saying things like I miss you, you're such a great handsome man, this wasn't easy for me, you were a big part of my life, and IDK THE FUTURE but I love you. I hate that she said that because it's like she's trying to leave the door open in case she comes back. I'm not just going to sit here and wait for her as if another opportunity comes by ill take it but if I'm single I'll definitely want a new start with her.

 

At this point, I think it's too late to ask for the real truth with my letter, flowers, and closure txt I sent her. I think all I can do is try to feel better and move on and if it's meant to be, we'll cross roads again. That's actually happened to me before, my ex before her. So I guess for now, I'll do my best to feel better and see what happens.

 

Block her.

 

It seems you've tried to get information out of her, and she had given it to you. Anything else is irrelevant.

 

She is baiting you to be her safety net. It's very obvious from a third person angle. You deserve someone better.

[Calidude6]

Block her.

 

It seems you've tried to get information out of her, and she had given it to you. Anything else is irrelevant.

 

She is baiting you to be her safety net. It's very obvious from a third person angle. You deserve someone better.

 

When you say I deserve someone better, is it because she gave up on me and us? She was never a bad gf, treated me better than any girl I was with. I think she is just young and doesnt realize how comfortable I was with her. She is in her years where growth and change is big. She is 22, I'm on 25 which I'm out of the stage she is probably in.

 

As of now, I'm not talking to her or going to talk to her. I won't get anywhere if I do. I'll just let life take its course and if she did come back and I was single, I wouldn't mind starting new.

[crimsontactics]

When you say I deserve someone better, is it because she gave up on me and us? She was never a bad gf, treated me better than any girl I was with. I think she is just young and doesnt realize how comfortable I was with her. She is in her years where growth and change is big. She is 22, I'm on 25 which I'm out of the stage she is probably in.

 

As of now, I'm not talking to her or going to talk to her. I won't get anywhere if I do. I'll just let life take its course and if she did come back and I was single, I wouldn't mind starting new.

 

My first love treated me very well too, before she cheated on me and dumped me.

 

Perhaps what you said is true, she is young and is still finding out what she wants in life.

 

The thing is this brother, chances are she will find out what she wants in life, and that person isn't you!

 

I've waited for my first love for 4 years only to see her marrying someone else. Don't make my mistake!

[Calidude6]

My first love treated me very well too, before she cheated on me and dumped me.

 

Perhaps what you said is true, she is young and is still finding out what she wants in life.

 

The thing is this brother, chances are she will find out what she wants in life, and that person isn't you!

 

I've waited for my first love for 4 years only to see her marrying someone else. Don't make my mistake!

 

By no means am I going to wait for her. However, if we meet paths again and I'm single, I most likely wouldn't deny a new start. I truly believe once there is an attraction and love, there is always that hidden deep down and in different cases, people find that hidden spot for each other.

 

For example, happened to my parents and they lasted 30 years. I'm just saying it's not impossible for two to reconnect when there was something before, especially if the relationship wasn't a bad one.

 

With that being said, again I don't plan to wait. I'm actually loving the way I want to and improve myself for whatever is next and make sure I don't do the same mistake twice with my next relationship.

[crimsontactics]

By no means am I going to wait for her. However, if we meet paths again and I'm single, I most likely wouldn't deny a new start. I truly believe once there is an attraction and love, there is always that hidden deep down and in different cases, people find that hidden spot for each other.

 

For example, happened to my parents and they lasted 30 years. I'm just saying it's not impossible for two to reconnect when there was something before, especially if the relationship wasn't a bad one.

 

With that being said, again I don't plan to wait. I'm actually loving the way I want to and improve myself for whatever is next and make sure I don't do the same mistake twice with my next relationship.

 

That's great to hear brother! You're moving on and getting on with live already! Congratulations!

 

Let destiny and fate handle the future alright? We're nothing more than mere mortals.

[aMguilts]

some very good points crimson

 

keep posting

 

aM

[Jonp219]

Here's the thing.

 

I feel everything you mentioned in your post (from time to time) however I don't believe "proper closure" does anything.

 

Reason is, if I speak to her and she tells me the "truth" it doesn't matter, I don't give a **** what the "truth" is. It's done, the relationship is over, you telling me how you really feel doesn't mean jack **** if we're still done.

 

Me: Hey, hey, hello, hello, yo, yo, hello....hey, what really happened why you stop luvin me?

Ex: You're ugly, I love this other guy, You smell, You don't care about my feels, You didn't show me how much you loved me etc.

Me: Oh, I understand. Thanks

 

Like, idk that wouldn't make me feel better lol

 

The only truth that will set you free is the truth you find on your own.

[crimsontactics]

some very good points crimson

 

keep posting

 

aM

 

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement!

[crimsontactics]

Here's the thing.

 

I feel everything you mentioned in your post (from time to time) however I don't believe "proper closure" does anything.

 

Reason is, if I speak to her and she tells me the "truth" it doesn't matter, I don't give a **** what the "truth" is. It's done, the relationship is over, you telling me how you really feel doesn't mean jack **** if we're still done.

 

Me: Hey, hey, hello, hello, yo, yo, hello....hey, what really happened why you stop luvin me?

Ex: You're ugly, I love this other guy, You smell, You don't care about my feels, You didn't show me how much you loved me etc.

Me: Oh, I understand. Thanks

 

Like, idk that wouldn't make me feel better lol

 

The only truth that will set you free is the truth you find on your own.

 

As you've mentioned personally, you can, and should, find your own truth. That's why I advocated Method 1.

[Itspointless]

We humans are rational creatures.

Are we? People use understanding to make sense of their lives, but constructing sense is definitely not the same of being able living with it.

So you got into a serious relationship without even knowing your ex fully?

Knowing people fully is a dream. Most people do not even now a bit about themselves: they are sleepwalking. Some dumpers just act, while their heads make up reasons to give it some sense for themselves. Because in the end they do not understand why they do what they are doing themselves. Ballycastle her exes are an example of such people: people who flee when you come to close.

[crimsontactics]

Are we? People use understanding to make sense of their lives, but constructing sense is definitely not the same of being able living with it.

 

Knowing people fully is a dream. Most people do not even now a bit about themselves: they are sleepwalking. Some dumpers just act, while their heads make up reasons to give it some sense for themselves. Because in the end they do not understand why they do what they are doing themselves. Ballycastle her exes are an example of such people: people who flee when you come to close.

 

Yes, I stand firm to the fact that we humans are rational creatures. You can't simply view people's actions during the "shock phase" right after break up as their character or mentality. After a short period of time, they will slowly regain their rationality, and thus, require answers so as to ease the pain. These are what I learned counseling servicemen who broke up. 99% of those who seek help are able to recover to "functional standards" within a month. It doesn't mean that they are fully healed, but they are healed enough to get on with life, and will continue to heal further. And that is what we aim for.

 

Knowing a person fully isn't a dream. Saying that is an excuse. Many people, especially those who are in their first relationship, don't even attempt to do so. Saying that you're getting into a serious relationship with someone whom you don't know fully is just like saying "I'm gonna put my hand into a wasps nest just to check if its empty."

[Mrlonelyone]

I like the overall message of this thread. We want to know WHY our exes behave the way they do. I do believe in No Contact in so much as one can implement it. It gives people space to heal. Odds are, in real life, we are connected to our exes by too many ties to totally cut (like children, too many common friends, etc.)

 

 

What you said about asking ourselves if we really loved our exes rings true for me. I went through an exercise that Dr. Phil calls a relationship autopsy with my last major breakup.

 

While our actions, things I never wrote of here, indicate we really loved eachother. The result was we broke up because we were headed in different directions I graduated and moved over 100 miles away making any reconciliation pointless for us. Neither of us were long distance relationship people. We fought before, did outrageous things to eachother before, but we always patched it up. Add that distance and a sense of abandonment on her part and that was it. We had started to rewarm to eachother and then...I moved.

 

Even before I moved back to town I have since had to contemplate her bizarre behavior. From starting a rumor she's so many months prego I'd likely be the father while being skinny as a ghost, to calling every once in a while or flirty texting but not wanting to talk. (Causing me to go NC)

 

 

My point is I agree with you. Looking back at the relationship objectively and knowing the facts is more helpful for me than not knowing and thinking I am just an unlovable bastard who fell for a witch.

[Itspointless]

Yes, I stand firm to the fact that we humans are rational creatures. You can't simply view people's actions during the "shock phase" right after break up as their character or mentality. After a short period of time, they will slowly regain their rationality, and thus, require answers so as to ease the pain. These are what I learned counseling servicemen who broke up. 99% of those who seek help are able to recover to "functional standards" within a month. It doesn't mean that they are fully healed, but they are healed enough to get on with life, and will continue to heal further. And that is what we aim for.

 

Knowing a person fully isn't a dream. Saying that is an excuse. Many people, especially those who are in their first relationship, don't even attempt to do so. Saying that you're getting into a serious relationship with someone whom you don't know fully is just like saying "I'm gonna put my hand into a wasps nest just to check if its empty."

Thank you for your answer. Of-course people go back to a rational state of mind. That is how our neo-cortex works. When the perceived danger disappears our amygdala eases and the neo-cortex takes over again.

 

Of-course it is important to get to know people, but some things we only encounter in rare circumstances with people, for example when severe stress is imminent. Than we suddenly can be faced with behavior that isn’t rational or expected at all. If you search for relationship-counselors on youtube you will hear over and over again that some behavior always was bound to happen, even as both people were unaware of it. It takes already quite a bit of knowledge of psychology to be able to expect something like that with your partner.

Edited May 2, 2015 by Itspointless

[Ruby65]

My last ex was completely honest and candid about his reasons for the breakup. If it were possible to get "closure" from an ex, I sure got it -- in spades.

 

No lies, no excuses. It wasn't "bad timing" or "I just want to be alone right now" or "can't handle the distance" or any of the other common excuses dumpers use for easing the blow.

 

All his honesty did was make him feel great because he could tell himself what a good person he was for being *so truthful* even though it made him look bad.

 

It was the hardest, most painful breakup I've ever been through -- and no, knowing the truth didn't make it any easier.

 

In the end, we all make our own "closure".... and this happens when we've moved on to the point where we no longer care about your ex or getting them back. It would be great if there was a shortcut to fast-forward to get there, but sadly there's no shortcut to processing grief.

[Mrlonelyone]

My last ex was completely honest and candid about his reasons for the breakup. If it were possible to get "closure" from an ex, I sure got it -- in spades..

 

Then it could be a matter of do you want to feel hurt by someone who would be a jerk and call it "honesty"?

 

No lies, no excuses. It wasn't "bad timing" or "I just want to be alone right now" or "can't handle the distance" or any of the other common excuses dumpers use for easing the blow.

 

Those can be excuses but good excuses can be honest. In my situation which you know you have me pegged as the dumpeee....but I am the one who said I can't handle the distance. Life's complicated that way.

 

 

All his honesty did was make him feel great because he could tell himself what a good person he was for being *so truthful* even though it made him look bad.

 

It was the hardest, most painful breakup I've ever been through -- and no, knowing the truth didn't make it any easier.

 

In the end, we all make our own "closure".... and this happens when we've moved on to the point where we no longer care about your ex or getting them back. It would be great if there was a shortcut to fast-forward to get there, but sadly there's no shortcut to processing grief.

 

Grief processing is different for different people. It is like in a plane crash. Some family members will want to know every detail, and even see the cell phone video if any. Others will not want to know. Both of those extremes, and a combination of both of those are valid ways to go about this.