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How to forgive yourself, without asking the other person for forgiveness?


Jonp219

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I really don't want to send an apology letter to my ex listing out everything i'm sorry about. However, this is truly the one thing that is completely holding me back, the reason I wake up crying in the night and mornings like today. Forgiving myself is such a daunting task, and it's truly my biggest obstacle on my road to recovery. Is there ANY tips people can give me on this issue?? I'm 120% lost on this right here, I feel forgiveness goes beyond working on yourself and keeping busy. Although it's dis empowering, I still can't believe what a **** up I was, I so sorry M...

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What if, in writing to your ex (not in the hope of getting back together of course or even having a response) you laid out what you thought you did wrong with the notion, that whatever she thinks or accepts, you walk on knowing you sought forgiveness and peace. It doesn't have to be weak or begging, just a simple purge of emotions to the person you felt guilt over.

 

Now, she may accept, scorn, ridicule, or even ignore you, but as long as your intentions are true, you can feel satisfaction that you at least said healing words, which, hopefully, can give you a sense that you did right, and thus begin your own path to healing.

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What if, in writing to your ex (not in the hope of getting back together of course or even having a response) you laid out what you thought you did wrong with the notion, that whatever she thinks or accepts, you walk on knowing you sought forgiveness and peace. It doesn't have to be weak or begging, just a simple purge of emotions to the person you felt guilt over.

 

Now, she may accept, scorn, ridicule, or even ignore you, but as long as your intentions are true, you can feel satisfaction that you at least said healing words, which, hopefully, can give you a sense that you did right, and thus begin your own path to healing.

 

I can't, because I still love her deeply. If I said I didn't have the intention of getting back together or hoping she accepts my apology then I would be lying. I'm simply not ready to hear her response to anything I have to say. But I having a difficult time coming to terms with myself and moving on, not from the relationship, but from my actions or lack thereof. I just don't know what to do with these feelings, you know?

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Understandable. I just tried crafting a letter with the same intent and purpose and as I wrote it, I felt the same. I also, in writing it, sat back and thought that I wasn't THAT bad that I need to apologize to her beyond what I already have or seek forgiveness. I just had some needs that needed to be met, and she wasn't capable, for whatever reason (who she is, her degree of affection, Wtf ever) of meeting them.

 

I don't know how to address your need though. I always did it with a letter like above to get ky ball rolling. Hope someone else can help you.

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Write it out. Read it. And then delete it.

 

It will only make you feel MUCH worse when she totally ignores it.

 

No contact and start doing new things for yourself. Hit the gym, hard. Find a new cool fun activity with other new people. Go out with your friends.

 

If you contact her in any way, you will only be setting yourself back in the healing process. Whatever you're thinking in your mind about what a letter would result in, its wrong. It won't at all result in what you think or hope it will.

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Trying forgiveness too soon just gives you another loss.

 

I think it's too soon for you.

 

Try it later.

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Trying forgiveness too soon just gives you another loss.

 

I think it's too soon for you.

 

Try it later.

 

I know Satu, I don't really want to do that right now.

 

I'm just having a hard time forgiving myself because I don't know how to. I've read articles saying that asking forgiveness from those you've hurt will help relieve your conscience, but in my case I don't think that's such a good idea.

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Write a letter. Write it by hand. Don't type. It takes more effort to write by hand.

 

Then hide it away somewhere. Somewhere you might even forget about it.

 

Someday you'll find it and read it. You might remember some not so pleasant feelings. But you'll probably realize that you feel better now than you did before. You'll realize that over time you'd forgiven yourself. And then you can toss away the letter for good.

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Sending a letter like that would be a very unfair, selfish move on your part. You admit to being verbally abusive and having anger issues in your relationship, both of which I'm sure your ex is working through herself right now. She may be months or years away from forgiving you for the very things you want to write about, and if you sent the letter, there would then be the expectation that she accepts your apologies. She's not a part of your recovery in any way, shape, or form. That's not her role in your life any more.

 

You've made a lot of progress since you first came on here, which is very encouraging. But I agree with Satu, you're not ready for this yet. Your emotions are still leading your actions, and dealing with this sort of thing is going to require a little more impartial perspective than you have right now. It'll happen, but there's going to be a period where you just feel lousy before you can get there. And that's where time comes in, smoothing the edges and taking the sting out.

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Sending a letter like that would be a very unfair, selfish move on your part. You admit to being verbally abusive and having anger issues in your relationship, both of which I'm sure your ex is working through herself right now. She may be months or years away from forgiving you for the very things you want to write about, and if you sent the letter, there would then be the expectation that she accepts your apologies. She's not a part of your recovery in any way, shape, or form. That's not her role in your life any more.

 

You've made a lot of progress since you first came on here, which is very encouraging. But I agree with Satu, you're not ready for this yet. Your emotions are still leading your actions, and dealing with this sort of thing is going to require a little more impartial perspective than you have right now. It'll happen, but there's going to be a period where you just feel lousy before you can get there. And that's where time comes in, smoothing the edges and taking the sting out.

 

No, I don't want to send the letter, that's the last thing I want to do. I'm trying to overcome this guilt on my own, that way both parties don't get hurt. However, wouldn't it all depend on the severity of the abuse? In no way shape or form am I trying to diminish the extent to which I abused her, but now thinking back at it, I don't know if I did. I don't really know what would constitute as abuse in the case of me and my ex. Anyway, you're right now is not the best time to do that.

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I can't, because I still love her deeply. If I said I didn't have the intention of getting back together or hoping she accepts my apology then I would be lying. I'm simply not ready to hear her response to anything I have to say. But I having a difficult time coming to terms with myself and moving on, not from the relationship, but from my actions or lack thereof. I just don't know what to do with these feelings, you know?

 

Writing out the letter would be a good idea. It helps release some emotions and is a good method of therapy. However, sending the letter would be a bad idea. You know it's a bad idea, however you would kill for the chance to talk to her even though you say you're not ready to talk to her.

 

You said yourself there is an underlying intention of getting her back or hoping she accepts your apology. That right there is a bad sign. She won't all of a sudden want to give it another try just because you said some "words". What if she does accept your apology? She'll say thanks and continue on with her life. And it will feel like another shot to the stomach that she just said thank you and nothing more.

 

There truth in when people say "talk is cheap". Improving yourself and giving her space is the best chance to achieve two different things. First would be improving yourself without her in your life is the best chance you have to make her realize she might have made a mistake. But second, and the much more important thing is you will be a better person. By improving yourself without her will help you move on, have a better sense of who you are, and give you a chance not to make the same mistakes for future relationships.

 

I used to work with this late 30's mother of 2 a few years back. She was a super sweet and down to earth woman. She got married in her early 20's and I remember asking her how was that? She said she loved her life but still a part of her wishes she got to do more before she settled down.

 

But to get to the point, I asked if it would be a good idea to send a letter to C? I was going to say all this stuff about I'm sorry about my insecurities and sorry for going behind her back, accusing her of lying, etc. She was brutally honest with me, and I needed it. She told me the only reason I wanted to send a letter like that was because I wanted to get her back. She was right, I was fooling myself with all this talk about wanting to send the letter to help myself move on etc. She explained to me that the letter wouldn't do anything but make me look sad and help confirm in her eyes that she made the right decision. She said C broke up with me for a reason, whether it was mostly my fault or not, she made the decision to break it off and a sappy letter wouldn't change a thing and chances are she would laugh when she read it.

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HeartOfAPhoenix
I know Satu, I don't really want to do that right now.

 

I'm just having a hard time forgiving myself because I don't know how to. I've read articles saying that asking forgiveness from those you've hurt will help relieve your conscience, but in my case I don't think that's such a good idea.

 

 

Those articles should be titled "how to seek approval"...

 

How to forgive yourself: "I did what I thought was best at that point in time"

 

Hindsight is 20/20, stop beating yourself up.

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Do you have a thread on here somewhere where you outline exactly what you did to her?

 

Actually, no I never wrote out what I did to her, but here's a checklist.

 

-Hot & Cold behavior

-When we would fight (argue) I would call her names at times.

-Bad temper (at times would yell)

-Didn't show as much support as she did for me

-Insecure & Jealous

 

I think that's it. I made her feel like she was walking on eggshells at the time. She told me to go get my **** together, so after the break up I immediately went straight to therapy.

 

Just writing this out made me feel weird. I know i'm nowhere near the level of forgiving myself for all these things. Especially since she has supported me through therapy times before, this time she just got fed up. Eventually it was going to happen..

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I sent my ex a letter about a month and a half after she left me. It was fairly short, but was a nice letter I wrote, and wasn't really expecting a reply. She did reply the next day around 1am, hers letter was better than mine lol.

 

It's your life if you feel the need to write her a letter then go for it, just know she may or may not reply. If it makes you happy and helps you move on then go for it.

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I sent my ex a letter about a month and a half after she left me. It was fairly short, but was a nice letter I wrote, and wasn't really expecting a reply. She did reply the next day around 1am, hers letter was better than mine lol.

 

It's your life if you feel the need to write her a letter then go for it, just know she may or may not reply. If it makes you happy and helps you move on then go for it.

 

Thanks Nolan

 

But I can't. Right now as I type my conscience is eating away at me just remembering the guy that I was with her. I'll reach out to her someday, but just not now.

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Actually, no I never wrote out what I did to her, but here's a checklist.

 

-Hot & Cold behavior

-When we would fight (argue) I would call her names at times.

-Bad temper (at times would yell)

-Didn't show as much support as she did for me

-Insecure & Jealous

 

I think that's it. I made her feel like she was walking on eggshells at the time. She told me to go get my **** together, so after the break up I immediately went straight to therapy.

 

Just writing this out made me feel weird. I know i'm nowhere near the level of forgiving myself for all these things. Especially since she has supported me through therapy times before, this time she just got fed up. Eventually it was going to happen..

 

Sounds like you're mainly sorry for not being a great guy at all times, not that you were an a$shole overall. (Unless your leaving out some significant details.) Is that something you really need forgiveness for? Everyone has their less than stellar moments.

 

People often feel 'sorry' like this while they're still grieving. What they're really sorry about is that the relationship ended, and that's compounded by feeling like they could and should have done something to save it, even if it was unsalvageable. So, directing your energy toward punishing yourself is ultimately unproductive, because you're barking up the wrong tree.

 

Magic wand fix (there is none obvs lol, but if there was) ....worry less about forgiving yourself and focus more on accepting the reality that it's over. :)

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Magic wand fix (there is none obvs lol, but if there was) ....worry less about forgiving yourself and focus more on accepting the reality that it's over. :)

 

I can't do that lol

 

It's my fault that I let 4 years go down the tube, I caused her to leave me. This was someone I wanted to settle down with eventually and I blew it. I know it's over, but I still beat myself up for it. I'm scared of ever entering a relationship ever again because now I don't trust myself in being good enough for anybody.I broke NC about 3 weeks ago and although we had a small chat via text it felt like she didn't even want to talk to me. I felt like I was talking to a coworker, that **** still eats away at me. Like, you were my best friend and now you rather I be a stranger to me. Now I'm never going to break NC again because I'm scared. She pushed me away too it wasn't fair, I had a reason to get mad at time we saw each other.

 

Although, I'm getting better day by day, I feel like that was my last chance at TRUE love. I feel like a big part of me is still missing a part that I might never get back. I messed up a lot in my life but this takes the cake.

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Ok, this is going to sound 'tough,' but I'm really just giving you the respect you deserve as a man by not patronizing you with platitudes.

 

[begin mean]

 

Lost loves almost always treat you like your less than human. But that's more of a perception from you than an overt action from her. The reason being, you used to be her one and only, but when it ends you're not. No one's going to make you feel that way as a friend or acquaintance. I understand it's hard for you to accept that's all you are, but that's no justification for mopey self pity.

 

If you want to let fear and regret control your life, that's up to you, but don't try to sell anyone on the silly notion that the universe took a giant sh*t on you and you alone, and then deflect that into an act about accepting impossible responsibility for personal failures and the feel-good self pity that comes with it, and the convenient shield of hiding under your rationalizations. Bad sh*t just happens. It's no excuse to fold up and run around looking for ways to avoid facing it.

 

Your attitude is really just a crutch. Everyone gets the sh*t end at least once in life. Accept it and move on.

 

[end mean]

 

Trust me, you'll be fine eventually. Fine enough anyway. :)

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Ok, this is going to sound 'tough,' but I'm really just giving you the respect you deserve as a man by not patronizing you with platitudes.

 

[begin mean]

 

Lost loves almost always treat you like your less than human. But that's more of a perception from you than an overt action from her. The reason being, you used to be her one and only, but when it ends you're not. No one's going to make you feel that way as a friend or acquaintance. I understand it's hard for you to accept that's all you are, but that's no justification for mopey self pity.

 

If you want to let fear and regret control your life, that's up to you, but don't try to sell anyone on the silly notion that the universe took a giant sh*t on you and you alone, and then deflect that into an act about accepting impossible responsibility for personal failures and the feel-good self pity that comes with it, and the convenient shield of hiding under your rationalizations. Bad sh*t just happens. It's no excuse to fold up and run around looking for ways to avoid facing it.

 

Your attitude is really just a crutch. Everyone gets the sh*t end at least once in life. Accept it and move on.

 

[end mean]

 

Trust me, you'll be fine eventually. Fine enough anyway. :)

 

I understand and yes its dumb to mop in self pity because its counterproductive. But putting self pity aside it isn't impossible for someone NOT to get over someone. I know people who have been trying to get over break ups and divorces for years ( maybe a decade). I feel like I might fall into that bunch, because I might not live it down. I'm doing my very best to change, but I would be lying if I didn't step outside everyday and say, " I'm not scared" because I am. Accepting is one thing and moving on is another. Will I move on? I have no choice. Am I going to acept it? Nope, I doubt it. One thing I know I lost is the ability to ever love someone fully ever again.

 

People always say, "Eventually the pain will subside". News flash, no one has time for "eventually" and no one has time to be single. I need to have a wife and a kid soon enough, and most likely I'm going to see myself settling for less because of it. I'm dealing a **** hand right now.

 

Waking up with a knot in my chest, and worry about her and her where she is or what she's doing isnt how I want to live the rest of my life. I don't care, I hope she comes back.

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I really don't want to send an apology letter to my ex listing out everything i'm sorry about. However, this is truly the one thing that is completely holding me back, the reason I wake up crying in the night and mornings like today. Forgiving myself is such a daunting task, and it's truly my biggest obstacle on my road to recovery. Is there ANY tips people can give me on this issue?? I'm 120% lost on this right here, I feel forgiveness goes beyond working on yourself and keeping busy. Although it's dis empowering, I still can't believe what a **** up I was, I so sorry M...

 

Oh, it is not disempowering at all. It is empowering!

 

Make a list, detailed, exact events. Stand in front of a mirror. Read it to yourself as you look yourself in the eyes. Then tell yourself you forgive yourself, realize you love yourself (your only 100% guaranteed lifetime companion), and then make a promise to yourself to change.

 

Satu might be right that it’s too soon. But when the time does come, I found this ceremonial honesty and vow process powerful, cathartic, and then liberating. Our mistakes are part of us and we can’t really change ourselves without accepting what we did and making a vow to ourselves to change- then doing the nitty gritty work of being aware and then making different choices. The honesty, acceptance and vow to change is much easier than the changing, in my opinion.

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I understand and yes its dumb to mop in self pity because its counterproductive. But putting self pity aside it isn't impossible for someone NOT to get over someone. I know people who have been trying to get over break ups and divorces for years ( maybe a decade). I feel like I might fall into that bunch, because I might not live it down. I'm doing my very best to change, but I would be lying if I didn't step outside everyday and say, " I'm not scared" because I am. Accepting is one thing and moving on is another. Will I move on? I have no choice. Am I going to acept it? Nope, I doubt it. One thing I know I lost is the ability to ever love someone fully ever again.

 

People always say, "Eventually the pain will subside". News flash, no one has time for "eventually" and no one has time to be single. I need to have a wife and a kid soon enough, and most likely I'm going to see myself settling for less because of it. I'm dealing a **** hand right now.

 

Waking up with a knot in my chest, and worry about her and her where she is or what she's doing isnt how I want to live the rest of my life. I don't care, I hope she comes back.

 

If you were deeply invested, yes, it's entirely possible to never fully get over someone. You can eventually accumulate enough scar tissue to sort of forget it, but the damage may never be undone. But you don't think you're the only person this ever happened to, do you? People deal with this stuff all the time, all around you, every day. They do get thru it. My BF had such a bad time from an ex that he had to be hospitalized for it. He got thru too.

 

Last thing - if you're the sort of guy who has the heart to say "One thing I know I lost is the ability to ever love someone fully ever again," sorry but that pretty much means you do indeed have the potential to love fully again. You sound like a poet, head full of romance and ideals. The real people to pity are the lost souls wandering around who had that part of them straight up killed. Those people don't go around saying stuff like that. They mainly just have a blank, soulless stare and maybe wish they could do that again without the melodrama.

 

Sorry to flatten your aspirations to be one of them, but you're not. Be very glad for that. :)

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If you were deeply invested, yes, it's entirely possible to never fully get over someone. You can eventually accumulate enough scar tissue to sort of forget it, but the damage may never be undone. But you don't think you're the only person this ever happened to, do you? People deal with this stuff all the time, all around you, every day. They do get thru it. My BF had such a bad time from an ex that he had to be hospitalized for it. He got thru too.

 

Last thing - if you're the sort of guy who has the heart to say "One thing I know I lost is the ability to ever love someone fully ever again," sorry but that pretty much means you do indeed have the potential to love fully again. You sound like a poet, head full of romance and ideals. The real people to pity are the lost souls wandering around who had that part of them straight up killed. Those people don't go around saying stuff like that. They mainly just have a blank, soulless stare and maybe wish they could do that again without the melodrama.

 

Sorry to flatten your aspirations to be one of them, but you're not. Be very glad for that. :)

 

Sometimes I don't know if having a head full of romance and ideals is a good quality. Although I have the potential to reach that peak of love again, I'm not sure if it's a good idea. But, i'm just going to continue to focus on the present, because at the end of the day it is all that we have. There's no telling what the future holds, and my past is the past. Forgiveness is something I need to come to terms with on my own and I hope I can do that sooner than later. I've reinvested in myself heavily, and I will continue to do so in hopes of becoming a better man than I was in my previous relationship.

 

I know i'm not the only person in history to go through a break-up, and i'm sure others have gone through more traumatic experiences. However, that perception doesn't comfort me in the least, and i'm sure it doesn't give those other individuals a 'light at the end' either. Fact of the matter is I've lost friend and I've lost family, but nothing in this physical realm of existence has felt worst than I've been going through the last 2 months and change.

 

Thank you for the talk, you've given me enough to ponder on :)

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I understand and yes its dumb to mop in self pity because its counterproductive. But putting self pity aside it isn't impossible for someone NOT to get over someone. I know people who have been trying to get over break ups and divorces for years ( maybe a decade). I feel like I might fall into that bunch, because I might not live it down. I'm doing my very best to change, but I would be lying if I didn't step outside everyday and say, " I'm not scared" because I am. Accepting is one thing and moving on is another. Will I move on? I have no choice. Am I going to acept it? Nope, I doubt it. One thing I know I lost is the ability to ever love someone fully ever again.

 

People always say, "Eventually the pain will subside". News flash, no one has time for "eventually" and no one has time to be single. I need to have a wife and a kid soon enough, and most likely I'm going to see myself settling for less because of it. I'm dealing a **** hand right now.

 

Waking up with a knot in my chest, and worry about her and her where she is or what she's doing isnt how I want to live the rest of my life. I don't care, I hope she comes back.

Where do you stand now? How long have u been in NC? You said you broke NC after a month couple weeks ago. When did she leave you?

 

Im on day 23 of NC, 1 week left for the 1 month mark. :p And I'm not looking for it at all. It makes me afraid. Thinking that it's been 1 whole month without her even reaching out once. Reaching out to her makes me afraid also. Afraid of her not answering. Afraid to go back to square one.

 

And to wait until i hit the 2 month mark makes me sick and afraid too. It's just too long.

 

Damn. **** is hard.

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Where do you stand now? How long have u been in NC? You said you broke NC after a month couple weeks ago. When did she leave you?

 

Im on day 23 of NC, 1 week left for the 1 month mark. :p And I'm not looking for it at all. It makes me afraid. Thinking that it's been 1 whole month without her even reaching out once. Reaching out to her makes me afraid also. Afraid of her not answering. Afraid to go back to square one.

 

And to wait until i hit the 2 month mark makes me sick and afraid too. It's just too long.

 

Damn. **** is hard.

 

We broke up 2 months and 5 days ago, and I believe I've been NC for 2 and a half weeks now lol

 

I'm not reaching out to her again, not even thinking about it. Nor have I checked any of her ****. I can't handle knowing she moved on to someone else, so i'm keeping myself safe. I'm tired of hurting myself, i'm not doing it anymore. She has my number, so it's whatever.

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