Ex invited to 'family' dinner

[NonDrinker]

I am a recently divorced man and ran into a problem today.

It is my brother's birthday and the family was invited over for dinner.

Others were invited later in the day.

I didn't know that my ex was invited, no not to the gathering afterward, but to the 'family' dinner.

My brother and I got into it a bit and I left.

I want to include the fact that he feels the fact that our marriage ended is 'my fault.'

My question is this.

Should my brother have asked how I felt about her being there or at least informed me of the fact that he invited her for dinner also?

I understand his still feeling she is 'family' but feel I should have at least been informed.

 

I appreciate anyones input.

ND

[indigo_moon]

You should have absolutely been informed "beforehand"...that would seem common courtesy to me. If not just for your sake, but for her sake, too...especially if he's blaming you for the demise of the marriage. Did your marriage end on bad terms? Was it a messy divorce? Yes, she's family but you are connected to him by blood, she's not. He was in the wrong, IMO...and I'm a woman who thinks this

[NonDrinker]

Firstly, thank you for your reply.

 

To try to answer your questions, our family is really close, or at least I thought so.

We all go to church together, including my ex.

She is originally from Ohio so she became very close with my family.

She knew I would be at the dinner for sure.

 

She was also invited to Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday.

 

I understand my family feeling close to her but since we are divorced, even if it has only been a month, I would have thought they would have at least let me know, asked whether I would be comfortable or not, something rather than just her being there as though nopthing has changed.

 

As far as being messy, that I feel is between her and I and have tried not to defame her.

 

She is getting more than her share of things in the divorce as far as furniture, automobiles, etc.

She get's to live in the house ( IMO, only fair since our daughters, 14 & 17 are with her) until they're 18.

She has a fund set up to ensure she gets her child support.

I contribute 1/2 of the customary things.

 

Now I feel she gets my family too.

[tiki]

Tell your family to let go! How can you move on with your life if they are inviting her to family functions? They need to get a grip. Their obligation is to you!

[bluechocolate]

Should my brother have asked how I felt about her being there or at least informed me of the fact that he invited her for dinner also?

 

Of course your brother should have asked you. In my opinion he should have also given you a veto on her attending. He could have easily had her 'round for dinner another night, one to which you weren't invited. In your shoes I would have left too.

[Merin]

Yes your brother should have told you he wanted to invite your EX Wife for dinner.. and Yes I can also agree that your feelings should have considered in the whole situation..

 

HOWEVER, You've also got to keep in mind that the 2 of you do share children together.. those are the ties that bind. While it shouldn't mean that your family puts the needs or wants of your EX before yours.. sometimes all parties have to place thier own needs and wants aside to make sure the children left in the wake of a divorce don't feel displaced.

 

Not a lot of comfort for you right now I know..

[TB (The Brother)]

Hello,

 

I'm the brother who invitied my brother and my ex-sister in law over for my birthday. ND forwarded me the first post to help me understand my mistake. I will share some of what went in to my decision. This is the first divorce in our family and we are all trying to learn how to adjust at the holidays and at birthdays, etc.

 

EX has been a member of our family for 15+ years now. Over the past 8+ years ND has not been present at the majority of family gathering as he was not always a ND - which was the major factor in this ending in divorce. EX has been there at every family gathering including birthdays, my children's graduations, my children's confirmations, his own children's confirmations, etc. The fact is, as I explained to ND, is that for the past number of years EX has been more family to me than ND.

 

I look forward to ND rejoining the family. I hope that ND remains a ND. I even hope that if he continues as a ND there may even be hope for reconcilliation. Of course that may never happen the way they have both dug in.

 

For this forum (which I do not know much about) Will I / SHould I be forced to sever my relationship with EX because blood is to be thicker than 8+ years of history and actions?

[bluechocolate]

Originally posted by TB (The Brother)

For this forum (which I do not know much about) Will I / SHould I be forced to sever my relationship with EX because blood is to be thicker than 8+ years of history and actions?

 

Who said anything about severing your relationship with your ex-sister-in-law?

 

And no - of course you don't have to do that but nor should you expect that your brother will be happy to attend a "family" function where she will be present. The divorce is still quite fresh so perhaps in the future they'll both be able to attend functions without emotions getting in the way, but until that day it may just take a little extra organising - if you know what I mean.

[tiki]

To the brother....I still stick to my reply. Here's another thread that's similar.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t51482

 

I've gone through the same fiasco with my family and my ex. I hope that when it comes down to it, you support your brother in the choices that he's made.

[morrigan]

It's only right to have notified Nondrinker and his ex wife about eachother's presence at the dinner. At least give each of them the right to decline.

 

I don't think that the ex wife should be ostracized, but it would be better to sometimes invite the brother only for certain events (other relatives dinners weddings, and birthdays) and invite both for events that are important for their children (Christmas, a birthday party for them, dinners for their grandparents, or an event for a relative that the kids are especially close to.) Sorry, but unless he was abusive to his ex wife, he is your brother--he made mistakes in his marriage, but at least give him some breathing space at times at family events.

 

The basic thing here is to not pick sides--understand that there is going to be some tension, and forcing them to see eachother isn't going to help.

[NonDrinker]

Well, at least my brother didn't just sluff off what has been said here.

As I said I try not to bad mouth the Ex in front of them.

Yes, as he said my past drinking did lead to ending our marriage.

No, I was never abusive.

 

The fact that she feels the need to contact an attorney over very small things has left me with no desire to ever reconcile.

 

Just one instance;

she refinanced the home so our old loan was payed off.

There was an insurance premium refund at closing.

I had to find out about it on my own, she eventually gave me my half, but also told me she really didn't have to because her lawyer said so.

 

It would sure see, to me that since the old loan was taken out by US then any refunds or the like from that loan would be OURS.

And, by the way, the fund set up for the children is in her name (although it is my money) and now she refuses to give me a requested copy of any statements for the account.

I have to make a decision to either take her to court (which I really don't want to do for the children's sake) or just let her have every little thing her heart desires.

 

My brother doesn't recognize the fact that she is doing this type of stuff and as long as she is I have no desire to be around her, especially at a 'family' gathering!

[NonDrinker]

I look forward to ND rejoining the family.

 

So I guess my past has determined that an Ex can become 'family' in place of an actual brother that is working to straighten out his life