Building Trust Again?

[BunHeadLA]

The last couple of days I have been feeling better, being really busy helps and I am starting a new project, I have an audition and have found a new place!

 

 

I stopped myself from casually asking about ex or even checking reddit or something like that, I found myself thinking "I don't care, I am so busy!" I don't have time... I don't feel as sad but I still would love to speak to him again.

 

 

However let's take that off the table. I know we are all still coping but do you have any tips on trusting a potential new partner? My last 2 relationships showed me that I am not good at scoping out issues I guess. The one before my last ex was the epitome of a guy just bidding his time until someone better comes along and he made that clear, I just didn't have enough confidence to say no. My ex who I having a REALLY hard time getting over adored me.. until he didn't. So now I am wondering if I can ever really trust someones feelings, I will be continuing to take time off but I would like to learn to trust again, maybe it could be a month or 10 years.. but it would be nice.

[LYNNLH]

Hi bunhead...I was badly betrayed and blindsided by the sudden breakup which severely killed my self esteem and trust I have on any person. I went ( still am going through actually) through a hard time and only recently I realized that..it's no longer about me having no more trust in another person but I no longer have any trust on MYSELF. This is the hardest for me to get over. I really do not know how I can trust myself ever again in making the right choice in a person, if I every go into another relationship again. Like you..I have decided not to embark on another relationship for at least a year to work on myself and my own trust issues.

[ballycastle]

Hi bunhead...I was badly betrayed and blindsided by the sudden breakup which severely killed my self esteem and trust I have on any person. I went ( still am going through actually) through a hard time and only recently I realized that..it's no longer about me having no more trust in another person but I no longer have any trust on MYSELF. This is the hardest for me to get over. I really do not know how I can trust myself ever again in making the right choice in a person, if I every go into another relationship again. Like you..I have decided not to embark on another relationship for at least a year to work on myself and my own trust issues.

 

I am glad this topic is being discussed. I am almost a year no contact and I am struggling with the Trust aspect as my ex was so convincing. I would like to know how you bring the Trust issue up with an ex. I did with my last one who said 'you have got to trust me'. I am utterly destroyed to the point where at my age the prospect of another relationship is non existent. I am taking a long time, if all to recover from his lies and betrayal

[Itspointless]

I find this a hard question. It always takes longer for me than a year to be capable to bond again. I always see that it is recommended to redirect your attention, but I believe there is a thin line with flight-behavior that can result in denial or dissociation. It is important to process our emotions and I can tell from my own experiences that it is hard if you brain tries to block as it triggers old stuff. When I entered what in the end made me come here I was very careful as I knew that a shift of 180 degrees would turn my emotional state into hell again for a long time. I tried to trust and finally gave myself - she was so sure - just to be disposed when she got ill. How can we trust, well there must be people who won't abandon. I try to learn where I go wrong, as it seems I am attracted to red flags.

[ballycastle]

I find this a hard question...there must be people who won't abandon. I try to learn where I go wrong, as it seems I am attracted to red flags.

 

Same here. It's a small wonder how anyone gets into a relationship and for it to last.

 

 

I just don't want to turn into the ones who is suspicious of a would-be suitors every move.

 

 

I am started hypnotherapy next week, I wonder if this will help unblock my feeling that everyone is out to hurt me???

[Jonp219]

Same here. It's a small wonder how anyone gets into a relationship and for it to last.

 

 

I just don't want to turn into the ones who is suspicious of a would-be suitors every move.

 

 

I am started hypnotherapy next week, I wonder if this will help unblock my feeling that everyone is out to hurt me???

 

I heard that it actually works. It has a high success rate in terms of drug addition treatment, weight management, and anxiety. I wish you luck I might try it sometime.

 

Although my break up is fresh (a little over a month to be exact), I can't see myself getting close to anyone at this point. Just the thought of laying in bed and cuddling next to someone who isn't my ex just doesn't seem right at the moment. I really hope this feeling doesn't plague me forever.

Edited March 14, 2015 by Jonp219

[Ruby65]

I guess the more relationships and breakups you experience, the more red flags you come to recognize.

 

One recent red flag that's hit home for me is: easy in, easy out. I seem to be drawn to guys who fall crazy in love very quickly, but then who suddenly lose interest as soon as the honeymoon period's over.

 

So now I'm really cautious with guys who seem too into me, too quickly.

 

Another red flag: I don't date guys who are recently (just a few months) out of a breakup and I don't date guys who have been divorced less than two years.

 

So, learning to respect my instincts and learning to spot and *heed* red flags.... that's something that's helped me move forward.

 

In time, I'm sure you'll just naturally start to feel less suspicious. It's a matter of perspective changing as you heal. The risk seems less because you're stronger. Eventually, the benefits of finding love again will start to so far outweigh the potential risks that you won't be able to stop yourself from trying.

[CT98]

This is one of the hardest parts of moving on in my opinion.

 

My most recent ex dumped me twice the same sort of way; no real warning signs apart from her going cold a day or two before delivering the dumping.

 

The 2nd time she did it she sent me a text on the Friday 'night night love you' and then went cold the next day by ignoring me, and then dumping me by letter on the Sunday.

 

It really shook me up in terms of trusting someone again, I just didn't & still don't understand how someone could be so fickle or give such mixed signals.

 

I'm in a new relationship now which is going great, I took it really slowly in the beginning and explained the situation to her and how I was feeling...

 

I think the only thing you can do is simply just trust someone and trust your intuition about them, if they leave you they leave you...you've been there before, and although it's not nice you do recover.

 

I just told myself that I wasn't going to let someone ruin my whole life....I'm stubborn like that.

Edited March 14, 2015 by CT98

[Light Breeze]

The last couple of days I have been feeling better, being really busy helps and I am starting a new project, I have an audition and have found a new place!

 

 

I stopped myself from casually asking about ex or even checking reddit or something like that, I found myself thinking "I don't care, I am so busy!" I don't have time... I don't feel as sad but I still would love to speak to him again.

 

 

However let's take that off the table. I know we are all still coping but do you have any tips on trusting a potential new partner? My last 2 relationships showed me that I am not good at scoping out issues I guess. The one before my last ex was the epitome of a guy just bidding his time until someone better comes along and he made that clear, I just didn't have enough confidence to say no. My ex who I having a REALLY hard time getting over adored me.. until he didn't. So now I am wondering if I can ever really trust someones feelings, I will be continuing to take time off but I would like to learn to trust again, maybe it could be a month or 10 years.. but it would be nice.

 

You just have to jump off that bridge sometime, I guess. But, that's just me, since I'm really optimistic. People really have different mental dispositions towards adapting and healing. The key, imo, is finding yours and decide your next move from there.

[BunHeadLA]

I totally understand the whole not trusting yourself part. That's the hardest part because if you can't trust yourself how can you open up to anyone else!

 

I've never been someone to like relationships anyway... Friendships yes but love meh... Not really and I really like doing things on my own. I have so much on my plate I don't think I can deal with anyone else's stuff....