LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Coping

Regret leaving him...


Coping Learning to deal with one's emotions and loss.

Like Tree33Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 3rd January 2015, 5:38 PM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 75
Regret leaving him...

I left him, my job and our home just to get away from him. Now I seriously regret it. I live for his text or phone calls. I've moved to another state but I cannot get him out of my mind, my heart. He's an alcoholic and I suffer with manic depression. When I left him, I was an inch away from a total break down. It happened when I tried to go back to my home state and even stayed with him for awhile while I was trying to get treatment and heal. He continued to drink but tried to be good to me and help me saying, "you've always been there for me, so I want to be here for you". He only caused me more despair when he drank, which he did every night. I left, once again, to stay with a friend. I got much worse with my mental issues and ended up moving again to another state to live with my again father and get help. Now I long for my life back, every single day. Many days have been spent crying endlessly.
No contact? I can't (or won't) do that. I live from text or phone call to text or phone call. He always asks me if I'm better, tells me to get better and reminds me how "hard" it was to live with me. He did call shortly after I got to my father's house and said, "you're the best thing that ever happened to me, I want us back together when you get well, etc." He hasn't said anything like that since. I suspect he was drinking and at a weak moment.
Too much happened with us throughout our 10 yr relationship to write about here. I would really appreciate any feedback or advice.
Thank you....broken hearted and regretful.
Kayann is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd January 2015, 5:44 PM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: There is no better place than Here, there is no better time than Now.
Posts: 2,205
You're co-dependent, which is unhealthy.
You need to speak to a doctor and request s/he refer you to a Counsellor/therapist.

Going No Contact will have to be your option, but if you are too dependent and addicted to his presence in your life, then going Cold Turkey right now may be harmful.
You should wean yourself off gradually, because in your - and his - current state, you're holding each other back and doing yourselves no good at all.

You both need psychological support.

Get some.
evanescentworld is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd January 2015, 6:07 PM   #3
Established Member
 
coolheadal's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 3,151
Not much you can do, because he drinks and that's what he wants to do is drink. Can't stop him from drinking, because it has become a habit for him to drink. As his wife you have become depress over his drinking and can't stand-it anymore so what did you do?. You moved out, move to another state, but you miss him? So you break the NC rules and keep in touch with him still. But you don't miss the drinking part when he's drunk and wasted. Remember that is still going on while your away from him. It's him + drink + drunk + you + depression.

Now this is how life was prior. Now you want to go back to it? Your cast is different with NC so you can communicate with sober husband, but not with the drunken husband. Because now you have two different type of husbands in one: (sober and drunk). Life is so complex but only if he could give up the habit. Of course if he keeps drinking like this his kidney's will fail and then life will be really tough for him. 5 year wait on kidney donor program if he does meet the requirements.

I have close friend whose going through this also. His wife is like you depressed. But she didn't leave him, but she wanted too! I told her to stay and be supportive. There where some near misses with him in ICU, because he still had tried to take a drink. That was stopped in time. I am sure your husband wouldn't want to go through all of that. When you text him try to reach the husband you feel in love with before all this drinking has started. He needs to know what would happen if he doesn't stop drinking.

You need to take your med for depression and pull yourself together. If you want your husband back then get him the help he needs to get off the drinking other wise nothing will every change in your marriage.
coolheadal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2015, 10:34 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by evanescentworld View Post
You're co-dependent, which is unhealthy.
You need to speak to a doctor and request s/he refer you to a Counsellor/therapist.

Going No Contact will have to be your option, but if you are too dependent and addicted to his presence in your life, then going Cold Turkey right now may be harmful.
You should wean yourself off gradually, because in your - and his - current state, you're holding each other back and doing yourselves no good at all.

You both need psychological support.

Get some.
I am in therapy now and continue to take my meds as prescribed. It's getting better and then worse again every day. It's not a consistent recovery at all. Thank you for your feedback, this is all really helping me.
Kayann is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2015, 10:40 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolheadal View Post
Not much you can do, because he drinks and that's what he wants to do is drink. Can't stop him from drinking, because it has become a habit for him to drink. As his wife you have become depress over his drinking and can't stand-it anymore so what did you do?. You moved out, move to another state, but you miss him? So you break the NC rules and keep in touch with him still. But you don't miss the drinking part when he's drunk and wasted. Remember that is still going on while your away from him. It's him + drink + drunk + you + depression.

Now this is how life was prior. Now you want to go back to it? Your cast is different with NC so you can communicate with sober husband, but not with the drunken husband. Because now you have two different type of husbands in one: (sober and drunk). Life is so complex but only if he could give up the habit. Of course if he keeps drinking like this his kidney's will fail and then life will be really tough for him. 5 year wait on kidney donor program if he does meet the requirements.

I have close friend whose going through this also. His wife is like you depressed. But she didn't leave him, but she wanted too! I told her to stay and be supportive. There where some near misses with him in ICU, because he still had tried to take a drink. That was stopped in time. I am sure your husband wouldn't want to go through all of that. When you text him try to reach the husband you feel in love with before all this drinking has started. He needs to know what would happen if he doesn't stop drinking.

You need to take your med for depression and pull yourself together. If you want your husband back then get him the help he needs to get off the drinking other wise nothing will every change in your marriage.
I can't imagine going back to him right now. I do miss him horribly, but since he's still drinking, it's just not an option. He's already spent time in the hospital, 2 time prison stays, lost everything and still drinks.
I take my meds as prescribed and I see a therapist weekly. He called last night and went on telling me how hard it was to live with me and he didn't think we'd ever be back together. He's said all this before, but then says I'm the best thing that ever happened to me and he loves me. His drinking causes all of these different feelings, I know that. Sober he's the sweetest man I know, drunk, he's a monster.
PS I'm new here and still getting to know the site. Pardon me if I'm awkward in my replies.
Kayann is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2015, 10:42 AM   #6
Established Member
 
Satu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: LV-426
Posts: 9,466
Your entire focus should be on your mental health.

Everything else is less important.
Satu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2015, 10:49 AM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 75
He called last night....

He called last night and went on and on about how hard it was to live with me. I'm not perfect and I'm sure at times I wasn't the easiest person to live with. The stress of coming home to find him drunk, or him leaving after getting drunk and telling me it's over, or calling me names, etc., all came back to me and I remembered why I left in the first place. His drinking was/is more important than me. He works everyday, stays sober for work, but never for me/us. I'm glad he called because it reminded me and sort of refreshed my memories. I tend to forget the bad and focus on the good when I'm away from him. We've broken up before and each time it's just as painful. We didn't live together for 8 yrs. because of his drinking. I would visit him, or he would visit me on weekends as long as he wasn't drinking too much. If it started, I would leave or (if he was at my place) i would ask him to leave. He'd always agree, saying that he didn't want to hurt me and if I stayed while he drank too much, he would end up hurting me.
When he called last night, I mostly just listened to him degrade me and told him that he was being hurtful and I fully understood how he felt. I told him I was sorry for anything I'd done to hurt him. He did the same and we said goodbye. I do expect him to call again and I'm going to try to not answer his text or his calls.
He says he's 52 and done with women. He's had all the drama from that he wants. He's a loner, etc. blah, blah, blah. I've heard it all so many times.
Kayann is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2015, 10:53 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by Satu View Post
Your entire focus should be on your mental health.

Everything else is less important.
I do agree with you and at the same time, I feel broken hearted yet again. IT does get in the way of my focusing on my own mental health. His call last night left me tearful and aching, not for him, but for the pain he caused me in the past and still.
Kayann is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2015, 10:56 AM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: There is no better place than Here, there is no better time than Now.
Posts: 2,205
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kayann View Post
I am in therapy now and continue to take my meds as prescribed. It's getting better and then worse again every day. It's not a consistent recovery at all. Thank you for your feedback, this is all really helping me.
Do you know why it's an inconsistent recovery?
Because you are still in touch with him.
He rocks your boat and unsteadies your life.

I'm sorry - I know you said in your original post that you could not (would not?) go No Contact - but seriously, if you are to make any logical headway towards your own recovery, this is what you absolutely, IMPERATIVELY have to do.

You know, I know a guy who lost both legs in a motor accident.

He now walks - with prosthetic legs - so well, that to see him, you would never know he has no lower limbs.
Yet the pain, the agony, the physical near-torture he had to endure, to train himself to walk again, took efforts of heroic proportions. He would succumb to physiotherapy and the tears of agony would stream down his face.
His therapist did her best to ease his pain and discomfort, but he - stubborn as a mule, and as resolute as the ant and rubber-tree-plant - refused, ever, to ease up.

He had to go through the pain, to come out the other side.

And in exactly the same way, you have to push through the pain-barrier of No Contact, to heal, and triumph.

It's going to be hard, but if you don't do it, you will remain an emotional cripple for far longer than you ever need to be.
In fact, you may never completely heal at all....
evanescentworld is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2015, 12:37 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 75
Quote:
Originally Posted by evanescentworld View Post
Do you know why it's an inconsistent recovery?
Because you are still in touch with him.
He rocks your boat and unsteadies your life.

I'm sorry - I know you said in your original post that you could not (would not?) go No Contact - but seriously, if you are to make any logical headway towards your own recovery, this is what you absolutely, IMPERATIVELY have to do.

You know, I know a guy who lost both legs in a motor accident.

He now walks - with prosthetic legs - so well, that to see him, you would never know he has no lower limbs.
Yet the pain, the agony, the physical near-torture he had to endure, to train himself to walk again, took efforts of heroic proportions. He would succumb to physiotherapy and the tears of agony would stream down his face.
His therapist did her best to ease his pain and discomfort, but he - stubborn as a mule, and as resolute as the ant and rubber-tree-plant - refused, ever, to ease up.

He had to go through the pain, to come out the other side.

And in exactly the same way, you have to push through the pain-barrier of No Contact, to heal, and triumph.

It's going to be hard, but if you don't do it, you will remain an emotional cripple for far longer than you ever need to be.
In fact, you may never completely heal at all....
I've just been journal-ling about that. I've done some reading about no contact and I know it's necessary for me and my well being. Today is day one and I'm getting such great support here and from my family. The contact is almost always painful and I end up in tears and honestly I'm getting tired of it. When he called last night, it reminded me of why I left in the first place. He degrades and demeans me and yet I still want to talk to him? It makes no sense. No contact makes perfect sense. I know it will be hard, of course.
Thank you for your response! I need all the support I can get.
Kayann is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2015, 2:08 PM   #11
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: There is no better place than Here, there is no better time than Now.
Posts: 2,205
You most certainly have it here, and I am so glad that you have great support around you.
If I may suggest, try to not wallow.

By all means vent and express your sadness, but 2 things, then:

1) Warn people you may get repetitive, so you would like to ask them to snap you out of it, if justifiable sadness and grief turn into self-pity and whinging and

2) Every time you vent, seek something good, wonderful and positive about yourself, or do something to pamper yourself, even if it just means buying a new lipstick!

Always look to the good. It's all there, by the bucketload...
evanescentworld is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2015, 4:06 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 75
Smile

Quote:
Originally Posted by evanescentworld View Post
You most certainly have it here, and I am so glad that you have great support around you.
If I may suggest, try to not wallow.

By all means vent and express your sadness, but 2 things, then:

1) Warn people you may get repetitive, so you would like to ask them to snap you out of it, if justifiable sadness and grief turn into self-pity and whinging and

2) Every time you vent, seek something good, wonderful and positive about yourself, or do something to pamper yourself, even if it just means buying a new lipstick!

Always look to the good. It's all there, by the bucketload...
Thanks for the heads up. I may get repetitive, I may dive into self pity, or whining, I may not seek something good, etc. And I would appreciate being called on each of those things.
Here's a good thing; he called this morning and I rejected the call. Felt pretty good. Now I need to figure out how to block his calls and text. I'm not yet familiar with my "smart" phone.
Kayann is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2015, 6:17 PM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: There is no better place than Here, there is no better time than Now.
Posts: 2,205
Never be afraid to ask for help.
If there's something on my smartphone I don't understand, usually my 4-year-old grandson will sort it out for me!

You can download an app called 'textblocker' (it's free) and the logo looks like a red shield with a phone receiver in a white circle, with a diagonal line through it. Put his number in and you will never even know he has called....
Delete all details off the phone after you have done that. Send his emails straight to trash, and block or filter them out....
You are doing really great!
Amazing progress!
You've gone from can't or won't go No Contact, to refusing a call in such a short time!! Well done you!
evanescentworld is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 4th January 2015, 10:04 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Colorado
Posts: 75
Thank you so much! The support on here is amazing. I'm so glad I found this site, again. I was on here years ago with much the same issues, and the same man! Believe it or not, I seem to have a pattern here. I know it and I am so grateful for the feedback I get on here.
And thanks for the info about blocking his number. I'll try that right away.
: )
Kayann is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th January 2015, 12:41 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 92
If you have an iPhone it is really easy to do. I don't know how to with Droids though.

As for the regretting leaving him? That's a normal feeling I think. I felt that when I left my abusive ex 8 months ago. I still have really hard moments where I want to go back but I know that I can't. NC is truly the only way in situations like these. Two books I recommend are "codependent no more" and "The No Contact Rule"
Jewels7 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Leaving regret in the past.. SoonMyFriend Breaks and Breaking Up 1 18th October 2013 4:51 PM
Is it over or should I really try to move on? Will he regret leaving me? beautiful.tears Breaks and Breaking Up 4 15th August 2013 11:57 PM
Will he regret leaving me for someone else? ms.ac Breaks and Breaking Up 23 13th December 2009 1:33 PM
will my ex regret leaving me? sol4 Long-Distance Relationships 8 23rd July 2009 11:33 AM
Does anyone regret leaving? Carol_1278 Separation and Divorce 10 12th September 2006 11:49 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:28 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.