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Whoops! I Broke NC. ..teehee?


Chin Up

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Dumpee here and I fired off a text last night after 15 days of NC.

 

Something that always stuck out was that on several occasions, immediately after the split, he had told me I deserved better. I kept thinking "What does that even mean!? how? why??" but never asked for some odd reason.

 

I realize the intent behind such a comment may not be so altruistic, and it could likely mean:

-I cheated on you

-I want someone else

-I've lost interest

-I was never all that into you

-I don't find you attractive anymore

-I was abducted by aliens and the microchip in my head is making me dump you against my will :cool:. etc etc.

 

But I started feeling guilty yesterday (weird?) and it snowballed to colossal proportions until I couldn't take the enormity of how I was feeling and texted him about it. Sent it at midnight last night when I got off work.

 

I basically said that for what it's worth, I never felt I deserved better and if I ever said or did anything to make him feel that way, I apologize. I acknowledged he may have said it just to let me down gently, but I never felt disappointed with him or saw him as inadequate and hoped he was doing well.

 

Hit send. 3.5 minutes went by. REGRET! lololol :lmao:. ah what can ya do?

 

He probably read it and thought "oh man this is great, I b/u with her, and SHE'S the one feeling guilty! HA!"

 

He may, or may not, answer..but at this point I'm ok with that. Well, right now anyways. It's his reply that worries me. Worst case scenarios all over the place hahaha <---nervous laughter.

 

Can't believed I duped myself into thinking a cliche breakup line meant he literally felt I was too good for him and was letting me go because of it. What a bonehead I was lol smh. Bonehead with one hell of on ego, apparently.

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When my ex and I broke up, she told me that I deserve someone better too. I also never felt that she wasn't 'good enough' and even said 'I would be lucky if I found someone as wonderful as you again'.

 

The way I looked at it was, overall we were very different people, perhaps she meant that I deserve someone who's a better fit or something like that. Perhaps your ex meant something the same? You just deserve someone who's a better match?

 

It's normal, especially after feeling lonely, to put blame on yourself, but I don't think that's fair. You'll drive yourself crazy thinking about hidden meanings (I myself start to think 'Was she cheating!? Was she not in love with me!? Did she think I was boring!?) it's not healthy and probably all in your head.

 

As for:

He probably read it and thought "oh man this is great, I b/u with her, and SHE'S the one feeling guilty! HA!"

 

I would hope not! I know if I received that message I would probably feel upset that you feel guilty over nothing.

 

I know it's tough to want closure, I myself wanted to send an email for the longest time asking about details, but I don't think it'll help. No matter the answer you'll just form more questions around it in your head. You just need to give yourself closure and work things out from your perspective. Easier said than done, I know!

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Made the same mistake a few days ago :) And will choose to make it again tomorrow as it's his birthday.

 

I also left a message a few days ago, in the middle of the night too, haiz. But try to think positively about it then, as we can't undo what was done. At least this time, I felt that I have made some progress. I can finally chit chat with him in a friendly way without feeling so desperate.

 

One more thing, the bad things you get when breaking NC will surely prevent you doing the same thing in the future :D I have broken NC so many times I can't even remember, and heck, it hurts, so I'm kinda afraid of doing it now, which is good.

 

Just wonder if NC also means not looking at the old pictures or stuffs, because I just did so :p

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I should mention that in the year we were together there was no talk of feelings. I knew that stuff was unpleasant for him so I stayed out of that territory. BUT..and here's the kicker, the night he b/u with me I was feeling irritated cuz I'd been wanting to drop the L-Bomb for a long time and also, rightfully so, wanted to know how HE felt. I asked him if he ever wondered how I felt about him and it went totally sideways from there. Did NOT go as planned.

 

He told me he didn't feel the same and didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. :eek: ...f**k.

 

Next day he sent me a text saying he's scared of getting close to someone and of commitment, that I deserved better, deserved someone that would treat me well and put in the same effort that I do..blahblah sorry for any grief he caused.

 

I started taking it to mean that he broke up with me because he got scared and felt I deserved to be with someone that doesn't crap his pants over feelings and felt I deserved better cuz he was feeling like he wasn't living up to my expectations regarding effort and treatment. Even tricked myself into thinking he DOES love me but didn't want to admit it because of his commitment phobia. Gotta love denial. :rolleyes:

 

I think that's why I regretted sending that text after. Deep down I know he doesn't feel the same way and cut me loose because of it, and yeah...feels I deserve to be with someone that loves me back. Just a hard pill to swallow after being with someone for a year, that he never even fell in love while I was all ":love:!!!". Worst was when he said I'd have no problem finding someone with me being the awesome way I am, and he hoped all the best for me. Those words are pretty damn final. ouch.

 

Funny thing is, I'm not sure if I was looking for closure. I do miss him, terribly at times, but I don't want him back. Not any more. I wouldn't be able to trust him after this. oooooh god *groan* I feel like such a fool for sending that! I really don't know what the hell I was trying to do. Making up an excuse to contact him maybe?

 

Now I get to sit back for however long and wait for a kind, but embarrassing reply from him. If i'm lucky he just won't reply. Live and learn.

 

Arient,

 

LMAO your post actually made me burst out laughing so ty for that! It seemed so "Yeah well, I'm a lil stinker and break NC all the time cuz whatever! Do what I want!" hahaha :D

 

I really haven't contacted him much since the split and am also at a point where having a run of the mill convo with him wouldnt be distressing in the least. But..even though he replies when I have contacted him, he's never initiated any contact on his own. Makes me feel like he's not all that interested in how I am or what I'm doing. Maybe he's not. Boo on that.

Edited by Chin Up
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[quote=Chin Up;6023031 he had told me I deserved better. I kept thinking "What does that even mean!? how? why??" but never asked for some odd reason.

 

I basically said that for what it's worth, I never felt I deserved better and if I ever said or did anything to make him feel that way, I apologize. I acknowledged he may have said it just to let me down gently, but I never felt disappointed with him or saw him as inadequate and hoped he was doing well.

 

Can't believed I duped myself into thinking a cliche breakup line meant he literally felt I was too good for him and was letting me go because of it. What a bonehead I was lol smh. Bonehead with one hell of on ego, apparently.

 

I was told this too. He did try to explain...but didn't do it very well. Whether it was an honest explanation or not who knows.

 

He said he always felt he had to be on his best behaviour with me so could never totally relax. Mind you, this was in the same conversation when he told me he felt more comfortable just sitting on the couch with me than he ever had with anyone else. And the same conversation where he said he was more open sexually with me than he had been with anyone else...blah.

 

But anyway, I thought about this "deserved better" a lot. Part of it was he wanted to see other people but I think he felt I put him on a pedestal (which I guess I did - all my friends think so). Bugger that my personality type says I tend to do this ...but also that if they "fall off" my personality deals with that because of empathy etc.

 

Ah well, not to be I guess. Still struggle with the why.

 

Did your ex reply?

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I've never used that line during a break up. Not even once. Every relationship I'm in, I give my best. Now, after being on the receiving end of it, I can promise myself ..

"SELF, I will NEVER use such an ambiguous term whilst ending a relationship. EVER!"

 

Last night i was sitting there chewing my lip wondering what the heck he meant by it. It's such an open ended remark. I kinda feel like he said "It's over, here..this will explain everything" and then tossed me a rubik's cube. :confused:-!?

 

After pondering over it over a bit more today, I think I was also hoping that he will turn around and clarify exactly what he meant in saying that. Not sure if any answer will make me feel better. See, that's what worries me (tho it shouldn't) that your ex used the same line and then fessed to wanting to see other people. I'm starting to suspect it's something said out of a guilty conscience, more than a selfless and ego boosting compliment. Great, now I'm becoming suspicious and cynical. TGIF. I'm drinkin' tonight lol.

 

No word from him yet. He might be mulling over how to reply, or if he should at all. I'll def post an update if I hear anything. Not holding my breath.

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Please please please, just do not try and contact him again. That will come off as so needy and desperate and I know you don't want that because you will feel like you dis-respected yourself and you would be right.

 

"But..even though he replies when I have contacted him, he's never initiated any contact on his own. Makes me feel like he's not all that interested in how I am or what I'm doing. Maybe he's not."

 

You would be correct. I've been there. You have to let them initiate if they want to get back with you and you cannot respond to bread crumbs. You cannot force it or nudge it along. It just WILL NOT work that way. His actions, not his words, will tell you what you want to know and I think he is telling you.

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No, I won't contact him again. The last thing I want is to come off as is needy and desperate :( I'm not even feeling like that, but yeah..sure don't want to appear that way to him.

 

Oh well. I acknowledged I may have said or done things for him to feel like I "deserved better" and apologized if that was the case. No shame in that. Miffed at myself for breaking contact and disappointed he didn't reply, but..

 

His actions, not his words, will tell you what you want to know and I think he is telling you.

 

...explains why he hasn't. To be honest, I'm not sure I even want him back. I miss him. His company and conversation. We got along really well, but i don't think a relationship would be possible. He's shown me he can turn on a dime and toss me aside out of the blue, so how could I trust him not to do it again?

 

Once bitten, twice shy. Fool me once ...and all those other platitudes.

 

In the beginning, true to dumpee fashion in a panic of loss, I played the friend card. HAHAHA :laugh: doh! Yup, I went there smh. He actually sounded pretty keen on the idea, but like you said..He's not ACTING keen.

 

Screw this. I'm joining a monastery! :cool:

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As I said, I chose to break NC today, and just wanted to "drop by" this thread to see how things are going with you, Chin Up :) Man, it still hurts and makes me sad, despite the fact that it has been 5 months NC and 8 months post BU. This really scares me. I think it says one thing, NC and NC and NC again then. Keep NC-ing :)

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I'm deeply regretting sending that text now.

 

No he didn't reply and i don't think he will. At this point, it's for the best. I did a lot of thinking yesterday and being with an emotionally unavailable commitment phobe was no walk in he park. He had his good qualities and we were good together, but It's really sinking in what a giant pain in my a*s this guy was:

 

-Never gave me one gift for special occasions or just because. Not ONE! Not even a card.

-I never met his parents.

-He introduced me to people as his "friend" for months, even though he had asked me to be his girlfriend.

-He stood me up a few times.

-He would sometimes take hours (6 or more) sometimes not until the next day, to answer a stinkin text.

-We rarely did anything outside of his house.

-King of empty plans. Always spouting off about how we should go do something, but when the time came it never happened.

-He was terribly insecure about his looks, his wang size and worried I was sleeping with guys behind his back.

-Offhand remarks that would have me questioning his authenticity.

-Passive aggressive jokes/insults at my expense.

-Openly gawking at other women.

-Talking about exes/women in an objectifying manner.

-and on and on...

 

I REALLY had the blinders glued on tight. He's not the kind and funny guy I thought he was at all. He's a selfish, self absorbed as*hole! I can't believe how many tears I cried over this guy. All the sleepless nights wondering if he would be back. Hoping he would. Fantasizing about him begging me back and finally professing his love. What a damn fool I was. I don't know when he managed to dumb my expectations down to such an appalling level, but I can see I was putting everything into that relationship and he was just coasting on my effort. I don't think he cheated on me, but at this point I wouldn't be surprised to find out he did. I feel so duped. The ol' bait and switch.

 

I wish I could go back to before I sent that heartfelt text apologizing if I had done something to make him feel like he had been a bad boyfriend. AHHHH!

 

No, I wish I could turn around and text him again and say "Wait, disregard that last text. Turns out I've managed to free my head from my own a*s and can see you WERE a bad boyfriend. You're right, I DO deserve better. Nicest thing you ever did was b/u with me. Adios, Bast*rd!"

 

Wooo am I in a mood today. I feel darn close to hating him.

And some mild TMI coming up, but this really says it all about this guys character.

 

Our one year anniversary, He had to work until 9 pm but suggests we go for sushi and saki after. He picks me up and we drive straight to his place. ok, I figured he wanted to freshen up and get changed since he grabbed me on his way home from work. He turns the tv on and says he just wants to see the sports highlights real quick. Some time passes and I start to wonder if he had forgot what that day was, so I gave him his gift. He thanked me for it and genuinely appreciated it (no gift for me. "shocker" :rolleyes:). He stands up and says "ok, wow, I'm hungry!" So I'm thinking we're going to go for sushi finally.

 

He opens the fridge and asks if I'd like a piece of left over pizza...

Ok, guys, I know..at this point you're thinking "Good grief, ChinUp, Why didnt you confront him!?" and I really have no answer. I was mostly shocked at what was happening. I declined the cold crappy pizza offering.

 

We have some wine and chat.. go to bed, which resulted in him receiving a HJ and then he promptly passed out. I cried a little bit and then went to sleep. WORST ANNIVERSARY EVER!!!

 

There's parts of him i will miss, but they seem pretty few and far between now. I can't believe i was so in love with someone that blatantly didn't give a crap about me. Life is weird lol.

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And just when I think I'm done ranting...

 

His birthday is not long after Christmas. I hope he pulls out that stocking I got for him and the little xmas ornaments I gave him for his tree and feels one hell of a pang.

 

I hope his birthday hits, which he typically spends alone at home, and he remembers the fun scavenger hunt I made for him to find his b-day gift.

 

I hope those days will make him realize what an amazing person, and what a kick ass girlfriend, I am. I hope it hits him like a freight train and his heart shatters into a million pieces when he realizes what he lost.

 

I dont care if thats spiteful and childish of me. That's what I hope. :mad:!!!

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These two posts have to be some of the best I have read here, You should print them out stick them all over your place to remind you what an asshat he really was to you. Also use it as a red flag warning system in future. He sounds a bit like my ex but worse! When we broke up i was like fine i agree his like o. Ii spoke to him once since then and went NC I havent heard a peep since I said if you want to talk in person I will if not dont talk to me again. Basically his dead to me lets hope as his mum said he treats the next one better since he always thinks he is better than you. Going to be a lonely existence if he doesnt change his ways and same for your ex!

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I already had a sh*t-list on my phone but it has grown enormously.

 

I'm so angry I'm crying but I'm also lmao at the same time. My cat is sitting here giving me funny looks for it and it has me laughing even harder. What a day. :lmao:

 

It's like I FINALLY just got the punchline to a really stupid joke. I can't decide what's worse. That it took me so long to get it, or how stupid it was.

 

I never felt safe and secure with him. Being with someone and having no idea how they even feel about you ...I really don't know how, or why, I put up with it all. It was draining and it made me feel insecure in some ways.

 

I can't believe HE dumped ME! What a twist LOL.

 

While I do regret sending him that text *wince*, I'm soooo glad he didn't reply. I think him not replying is what helped show me who he is at his core. Incapable of caring about anyone but himself. If he had answered, and used some well placed wording to keep me confused and twisting in the wind, I'd still be blubbering to myself over what a special guy I lost.

 

Special, my a*s!

 

I don't know if guys like this ever realize what they had, and what they lost (oh hey, fleet wood mac lyrics right there lol) but I hope they do and I hope they feel tremendous guilt and regret over how they took us for granted.

 

To think that yesterday I was seriously entertaining the idea of sending him an xmas card. Or should I say ...EX-mas card. Bad joke, badum-psh!

Edited by Chin Up
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This is called realisation taking them off the pedestal/ Silence speaks a thousand words. Mine has been quiet fir iver a month but im also not talking i wouldnt know if he died tbh thats how much ive cut him out if my life it feels good :)

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-Never gave me one gift for special occasions or just because. Not ONE! Not even a card.

-I never met his parents.

-He introduced me to people as his "friend" for months, even though he had asked me to be his girlfriend.

-He stood me up a few times.

-He would sometimes take hours (6 or more) sometimes not until the next day, to answer a stinkin text.

-We rarely did anything outside of his house.

-King of empty plans. Always spouting off about how we should go do something, but when the time came it never happened.

-He was terribly insecure about his looks, his wang size and worried I was sleeping with guys behind his back.

-Offhand remarks that would have me questioning his authenticity.

-Passive aggressive jokes/insults at my expense.

-Openly gawking at other women.

-Talking about exes/women in an objectifying manner.

-and on and on...

 

I REALLY had the blinders glued on tight. He's not the kind and funny guy I thought he was at all. He's a selfish, self absorbed as*hole! I can't believe how many tears I cried over this guy. All the sleepless nights wondering if he would be back. Hoping he would. Fantasizing about him begging me back and finally professing his love. What a damn fool I was. I don't know when he managed to dumb my expectations down to such an appalling level, but I can see I was putting everything into that relationship and he was just coasting on my effort. I don't think he cheated on me, but at this point I wouldn't be surprised to find out he did. I feel so duped. The ol' bait and switch.

 

 

Wow...starting to wonder if you and I are the same person. This is so similar to me. Only thing is, I would still take him back if he appeared on my door step (not that he ever will) - though I sincerely hope, this time, I would make him work harder.

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I so hear where you are coming from.

 

My ex texted me happy birthday...and I ignored it, which is so out of my comfort zone...but just figured if I wrote back and then got nothing more from him it would hurt me so much.

 

Ignoring him felt I had a little control.

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Today is exactly 7 weeks since the split. After going from being so angry to so sad yesterday, I'm feeling emotionally hungover today. It's a weird feeling.. defeated maybe? I think "blah" sums it up. Thinking about the stages of grief..

 

  • Denial
  • Bargaining
  • Anger
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

 

It definitely gets easier once hope and denial hit the rocks. If Karma's a bi*ch, hope and denial are C-words. Those 2 had me in such a crappy place for weeks. It made things a lot easier when I accepted it's over, he's not coming back, he doesn't miss me because he doesn't care. It's done. DONE. It was hard coming to terms with that, but that's how it is. No more rose colored glasses.

 

I had my bargaining stage early on, while still in denial. Actually, I was really good about this one. I handled the breakup well for the most part. I never begged or pleaded. Was very calm and dignified about the whole thing. The worst I did was pull the "I hope we can be friends?" and a booty call that I initiated :rolleyes: lol.

 

Anger and depression seemed to come at the same time for me. I think yesterday was the crescendo and I went ape-sh*t on that wall with a sledgehammer lol. Now I'm feeling like I'm in a mix of depression and acceptance. hm, seems like the stages partner up for me.

 

The relationship is starting to feel like a dream. Like it happened a lot longer ago than it did. Probably because it never really progressed and not much happened in it lol. Meh, going back to bed for a bit.

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they say a break up is like a death. Honestly nc is tough but just have to think silence speaks a thousand words. If you feel like contacting him again post here first least you get a response :) hugs

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So he wasn't capable of discussing feelings while dating you yet you expect him to suddenly reply to a text with his feelings now?

 

If he didn't do that while dating there's no reason he would suddenly do it now after the relationship has ended.

 

It's not something he does.

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oh, I won't be contacting him again lol don't worry. Anything I send after that last text will make me look like a giant pathetic moron.

 

What made it hard is that he really is a great guy. He's so funny and has such a unique personality. Everyone likes him right away. Problem was, he's a lousy boyfriend lol :laugh: He hasn't had many girlfriends. We're in our late 30's. I think he's spent too much time being single. Bachelor for life.

 

But yeah, the text I sent clearly shows I was confused as to what the reason(s) were for why we broke up, and as a result I was sitting there blaming myself.

 

The decent and mature thing would have been to answer. If I broke up with someone and received a text like that, I'd feel terrible and give them an honest reply as to what happened. I couldn't live with myself to not answer. To leave that poor person sitting there bewildered and full of self blame. That's just cruel. He's a coward.

 

I'm looking forward to the day when I read these posts and think

"GUFFAW! Was I REALLY that upset over him? huh. That's funny." :lmao:

 

beach, I wasn't asking him to discuss his feelings (i know better than that haha) I just wanted to know why he broke up with me. He has no problems telling someone how it is, so I was very surprised he didn't answer. I was bracing myself for a brutal, yet honest response, but I got zip. Odd.

Edited by Chin Up
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But you asked him to tell you why he broke up with you.

 

In order to explain that to you he would need to express to you how he felt about it.

 

You've already explained that he doesn't do that.

 

So asking him to answer your question is asking for something you know he isn't going to do.

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Yeah I guess.

 

I guess I was seeing feelings and reasons as 2 separate things.

 

Like a boss firing and employee. He may really like that employee, but their work performance is terrible and they need to go. He may feel guilty, but he isn't having to sit there and go through all of his feelings about this person in order to drop the axe. He has his reasons "you're always late, you never meet deadlines and your error count is way too high."

 

I always want to improve and be better partner for the next person I am with.

I guess I just wanted some feed back. If there's an aspect of myself that could use some work, it's hard to address that when you don't even know what it was. Feel like i'm wandering in circles for now.

 

I know at some point I won't care what his reasons are, but for now I still do.

Rejection really makes a person take a hard look at themself. :eek:

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chimpanA-2-chimpanZ

No one is ever completely honest about why they break up. NO ONE. Even if he broke up due to some annoying habit you have, he would never tell you. All of that garbage he fed you earlier is just that: garbage. He was desperate! He was willing to say whatever it took to get out of there. It honestly doesn't matter why he wanted to end it. He's decided he doesn't want to be with you anymore, which is all that counts.

 

I have heard people discussing the reasons for their breakups years after the fact, but I wouldn't expect it to happen any time soon. And I'm sure he wouldn't dare say anything when he knows your emotions are still so raw. In this case I think it's unlikely that you'll ever hear from him again. He stood you up, he didn't take you out, he didn't appreciate you---why did you spend so much time with a guy who obviously had so little respect for you?

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