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broke as a joke


Raena

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I kicked my lying cheating ex out a year ago.

 

So you'd think that aside from the usual hurt and agony that a year later I'd be doing ok.

 

Well, I'm not.

 

I went to go put gas in my car today. The pump shut off after $1.59. I didn't think anything of it at first. I just figured, since my son was pumping the gas, that he must have done something to reset it. I swipe my card again... read error. Swipe it again... insufficient funds. This is NOT good. My car is precisely 32 miles from completely empty. I'm 8 miles from home, my job is 28 miles one way from my home, not factoring in driving my son to daycare in the morning.

 

I get home, check my bank account... I'm at 0. Yes... ZERO!!!! Apparently my student loan got sold to a new company and they picked a different date than I'm used to to take their money from me. Not what I had budgeted for.

 

HOLY CRAP!

 

Ex paid child support to me yesterday via paypal a week later than he usually does. It takes 3-5 days for it to transfer to my bank account. I don't get paid again until next wednesday. My parents are out of town on a trip they planned a year ago for the next week. I have NO ONE else to help me.

 

I've been trying for a year to find a cheaper place to live after my ex decided to leave us (or I kicked him out, whichever way you want to look at it... he cheated, he couldn't stay). I can't find anything. There is NOTHING in my area in my price range. I was doing ok until my first paycheck of the school year got messed up. Long story short, my first paycheck was only 20% of my usual pay. I've been playing catch up ever since.

 

Well, today it caught up with me.

 

I saw that zero balance and nearly had a heart attack. I started crying so hard I couldn't breathe. My new puppy went berserk on me. He couldn't figure out why I was wailing so, wanted to play to make me happy. I wanted to vomit. Huge sub subs, couldn't breathe, just could NOT BREATHE.

 

I have FIVE days to make it until I get paid again... and with veteran's day coming up, I'm not sure my bank will process the paypal transfer before I get paid.

 

I don't have much food in the house, just some basics. Looks like we'll be eating the ramen noodles my ex-stepson left on the shelf.

 

Oh my god, I can't believe this. What the heck am I going to do? My car payment is overdue, I'm afraid they will repo my car. I was going to pay it with the child support but he sent it late.

 

I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!! How the heck am I supposed to do that with NO funds to move with? And..... I can't find a place to live. I have to stay in the school district I'm in, can't move because of the awesome babysitter I have. Seriously, couldn't do my job without her help and she's good with my son. Rentals around her are few and far between and they are VERY picky. I talked to the owner of a 1 br house today... she said it was too small for my son, my dog and my two cats. I wanted to scream at her... NO IT'S NOT!!! I'm done being picky. I just want a roof over our heads that I can afford to pay for. She wouldn't rent to me.

 

/sigh

 

Yeah, it's not bad enough I got cheated on by him 2 times, but this is now the second time he's left me in this position as well. He did the same to me when I was pregnant. I was sooooo stupid. How could I have been so blind?

 

The worst part to me is... the only solution I see at the moment is to raid my son's piggy bank and wallet. He has money I've been giving to him over the years that he earned for doing different jobs around the house, tooth fairy, birthday's etc. It isn't much. Just enough to fill my tank up and get me to work on Monday.

 

So how am I coping today? Well, not so good. If I didn't hate that bastard before, I really hate him now. He knew damn well I couldn't afford this place on my own. I finished out the lease. Now it's time to go. Oh... but let's not forget that he just lost his job and is moving out of state so there goes the child support too.

 

I'm just DONE today. I can't take any more stress. Not one single solitary ounce more.

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In retrospect, I shouldn't have adopted my dog. I was so sad though. My puppers of 12 years died 2 weeks after my ex moved out. I felt this huge emptiness in my home. My ex, his son, my dog... all gone in the blink of an eye.

 

When a friend of mine kept posting on fb that she needed a home for her daughters dog, I couldn't help myself. I held off for about a month until she said they were going to have to take him to the pound if no one would take him. I met him and fell in love with him almost instantly.

 

He's completely untrained, but his love for me shines through in everything he does. He's so happy being with us and never leaves my side. He the best snuggler around. BUT, trying to rent with a dog and two cats is nearly impossible around here. It's hard even without pets.

 

Did I mention that I apparently make poor choices?

 

Gah, I feel so pathetic today.

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i hear ya! just curious why are u projecting all these problems on someone else?

 

sell aluminum cans , do something ! this is unhealthy to use monies that is handed to you for ur own gain. the child support is not being used to even feed the child but to a car payment that is past due?

 

i am seriously sorry that you are now at a breaking point, yet i fear u rely too much on others. this is your wake up call. contact a shelter, get signed up for state welfare. get yourself balanced. your child deserves a parent that shows responsible behavior. start looking at solutions instead of holding circumstances hostage. be the solution.

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Explain to your son you need money for necessities to make it through until next month. Ask to BORROW the money until you get paid. Done!

 

The silver lining... you've learned a lot. You have many years to live. You'll make better choices and this will all seem like a bad dream.

 

Hang in there. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone goes through bad times. They'll pull up!

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I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please let us know if something comes through for you. I sincerely hope and pray things will be on the up. You sound like a responsible level headed woman for getting rid of your ex, given the circumstances. All the best.

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i hear ya! just curious why are u projecting all these problems on someone else?

 

sell aluminum cans , do something ! this is unhealthy to use monies that is handed to you for ur own gain. the child support is not being used to even feed the child but to a car payment that is past due?

 

i am seriously sorry that you are now at a breaking point, yet i fear u rely too much on others. this is your wake up call. contact a shelter, get signed up for state welfare. get yourself balanced. your child deserves a parent that shows responsible behavior. start looking at solutions instead of holding circumstances hostage. be the solution.

 

You have got to be kidding me. Money that is HANDED to me for my own gain? Are you serious? The man walked out on a lease that he signed a month after he signed it. He actually owes me for half of the rent for the past year PLUS child support but he hasn't paid it and he won't pay it.

 

Never mind the fact that paying for household expenses is PRECISELY what child support is for. Yes, my car payment IS a household expense. Without a car, I can't get to work so it's a necessity.

 

It's funny that you jumped on that without really reading what I said... I don't get my full paycheck once a month. I get it every other week. The first one pays for the rent, my car payment and two weeks worth of daycare(and it takes the ENTIRE paycheck to do that, no money left over for food and gas). The second one covers all other bills (student loans, cell phone, electric bill, internet, car insurance, 2 more weeks of daycare, tolls to get to work, gas, food) and that the entire second check. His measly child support payment barely covers enough for food and gas. Besides, if you really want to look at it the proper way.... money from him should be covering his half of the rent and daycare but I already paid THAT bill from MY money so you can call it whatever you want.... it's money that gets spent on taking care of this house, the bills that go along with it, daycare, food and my own personal bills. If it were just ME, I'd have been out of here a long time ago, living in some little tiny shack of an apartment anywhere but this school district. I stay here because this is where my son goes to school and where he has friends and where I have a babysitter for him. If I move out of the district, then I will have to pay more money in babysitting fees (because the one he goes to charges me next to nothing) and send him to a stranger. This babysitter he's had since he started school 4 years ago. On top of that, I pay for health insurance for my child too and that takes a huge chunk of my pay before I even get it. In addition, this school district is the best one for students with special needs. I work with all of the surrounding school districts so I know which ones are good and which ones are not. I'm NOT moving him to any of the other school districts. He's good where he is at, getting his needs met and his teachers are awesome with him.

 

The fact of the matter is, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. What he's paying me isn't half of what it costs to raise my child or half of the rent that he owes me or half of anything. It's what he can afford to send. (according to him). If I could get my rent reduced by at least $300 a month then I'd be ok but I can't find anything in that price range.

 

One thing I do want you to take away from my response is this... child support is meant to cover the expense of taking care of the child... that doesn't JUST mean food and clothes. It means paying rent and paying the household bills too. It costs a LOT more to live in a 2+ br home/apt than it does to live in a 1 br efficiency so my rent goes up, my electric goes up, I have to pay extra in health insurance, daycare, food, clothing, doctors bills, prescriptions, etc. 99% of the time, child support does NOT cover half of all of that. People always tend to think that it should ONLY be used for expenses for the child... well those ARE all expenses for the child.... expenses I've ALREADY paid for with MY money so yes, in this particular instance, I have to use what his father gave me to pay my car payment just because that's what is DUE when he pays me.

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Look up emergency food banks in your area. Many community churches have programs for situations like yours, and may even pay a one time bill in an emergency.

 

Reach out. And when you're on stronger footing, give back.

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Another thought....

 

If you and your son share a bedroom, can you get a roommate?

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I thought about the roommate idea... not sure that's really a good idea with a child in the house. It definitely is something I considered though.

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Look up emergency food banks in your area. Many community churches have programs for situations like yours, and may even pay a one time bill in an emergency.

 

Reach out. And when you're on stronger footing, give back.

 

I do like this idea of paying it back...

 

Honestly, I'm feeling this huge relief right now. My son ended up offering up his piggy bank. I feel guilty about it, but the truth is, that's my money anyway that he scrounged from the couch and various other places. I took it to coinstar and went to put gas in my car. Of all days... the gas prices are lowered for today. They've been so high for so long that this seems an impossibility. Not only were the gas prices lowered overall across the state, the place I usually get gas from happens to have an additional 10 cents off a gallon today for only a few hours... I didn't know about it until I pulled in. I got enough money to put almost a full tank of gas in my car (which at normal prices wouldn't have been much more than half a tank) and buy some more food to last us until Wednesday. In addition, my neighbor called and invited my son over for breakfast today and took him out to a movie last night and wouldn't let me pay for him. This is not really normal. It's almost like he knew that I was struggling and just offered to help out just because. He (and his wife) has two grandson's that come to visit every weekend and my son has become fast friends with them. They love hanging out together. This is awesome because my son doesn't have very many friends in the area to play with. Every weekend now they either come over to my house or he goes over to theirs. The past few weekends, I've brought them over here for movies and/or lunch.

 

You see, you get what you give in this world!

 

Wow, I'm feeling some sense of relief. My financial problems are not solved by any means, but I'm good until my next check at least.

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These are some of the effects of betrayal that many don't see. Left with the responsibilities and obligations taken on by two, as one. Fresh starts often don't get to be made, previously chosen paths must be continued whilst also carrying the betrayers load and doing so on one leg.

 

Raena, the first three years after my ex was the hardest thing I have done. Just a blur of work,stress and trying to survive. I worked every daylight hour and came home to 40 animals to care for every day. No breaks, no time off, no social life. It almost beat me a couple of times.

 

I remember one time, after yet another 100 hour week on site, I was on my hands and knees cleaning sh*t off the floor. I looked at my watch and it was 3am. Twenty two hours on the go and I had to start another week's work in two hours time. I don't think I've ever felt so trapped and hopeless as I did at that moment. This was my life, I'd already been living it for over a year and I was still about five years of wages in debt and with all these mouths to feed. For a very brief moment I almost decided to quit, fail the critters, palm them off on someone else, declare myself bankrupt and lose the few things the ex didn't take. My pride, dignity, honour, integrity, morals and values.

 

As soon as the thought came it went again. Replaced by the anger at what she had done. That's what I lived on to see me through those early years, anger, its a hell of a motivator. No f*cking way was her betrayal going to beat me. No way I was going to take a backward step. No way I was going to lose anything else to her. So I decided to work even harder. Snarling, growling and grumbling away to myself all the way. Despising her all the way.

 

What's done is done. Betrayal is the lowest of the low, absolutely contemptible. It's neither right nor fair that you are in this situation but there is only one person who can change it, you. Use your emotion, use your anger, find a way that doesn't involve compromising your integrity and values. This is temporary, when you get to the other side (and you will) you'll be glad you never took a backward step. When stuck between a rock and hard place the only thing to do is choose one and start hammering away at it. The hardest one is usually the best in the long run.

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First off im a big time animal lover so I know how hard it is to find rentals that will allow one much less a dog and two cats. If you really need a place asap your going to have to prob at the very least rehome the dog. The cats you might be able to get away with if you get lucky.

 

It wasn't that the house wasn't big enough it was they didn't want all your pets. To be honest if I was a land lord I prob wouldn't rent to some one with a dog and two cats ether to much chance for destruction..sorry just being honest..

 

Moving on maybe consider a roommate? again tho might be hard to find some one who wants to live with that many animals when they are not their own plus a child its a full house. Have to tried to get assistance IE food stamps rental utility's? might be worth a look into.

 

Plus there are always food banks I know no one wants to do that but its better then going hungry eating ramin every night is not healthy for a child and doesn't have to happen in today's world.

 

Agreed with what some one else seamed to be saying your projecting blame and thats not going to get you anywhere you need to let go of your ex in ever way and mentality move on best of luck..

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These are some of the effects of betrayal that many don't see. Left with the responsibilities and obligations taken on by two, as one. Fresh starts often don't get to be made, previously chosen paths must be continued whilst also carrying the betrayers load and doing so on one leg.

 

Raena, the first three years after my ex was the hardest thing I have done. Just a blur of work,stress and trying to survive. I worked every daylight hour and came home to 40 animals to care for every day. No breaks, no time off, no social life. It almost beat me a couple of times.

 

I remember one time, after yet another 100 hour week on site, I was on my hands and knees cleaning sh*t off the floor. I looked at my watch and it was 3am. Twenty two hours on the go and I had to start another week's work in two hours time. I don't think I've ever felt so trapped and hopeless as I did at that moment. This was my life, I'd already been living it for over a year and I was still about five years of wages in debt and with all these mouths to feed. For a very brief moment I almost decided to quit, fail the critters, palm them off on someone else, declare myself bankrupt and lose the few things the ex didn't take. My pride, dignity, honour, integrity, morals and values.

 

As soon as the thought came it went again. Replaced by the anger at what she had done. That's what I lived on to see me through those early years, anger, its a hell of a motivator. No f*cking way was her betrayal going to beat me. No way I was going to take a backward step. No way I was going to lose anything else to her. So I decided to work even harder. Snarling, growling and grumbling away to myself all the way. Despising her all the way.

 

What's done is done. Betrayal is the lowest of the low, absolutely contemptible. It's neither right nor fair that you are in this situation but there is only one person who can change it, you. Use your emotion, use your anger, find a way that doesn't involve compromising your integrity and values. This is temporary, when you get to the other side (and you will) you'll be glad you never took a backward step. When stuck between a rock and hard place the only thing to do is choose one and start hammering away at it. The hardest one is usually the best in the long run.

 

Did you say 40 animals? FORTY? Goodness! Holy cow that's a LOT of animals to house and take care of.

 

I think you get it somewhat though. The people who are saying I'm projecting blame onto someone else... well... I am because he deserves it. THIS is the mess he left behind when he thought he'd run off with some hobo half his age.

 

It's hard enough to end a relationship after 11 years being together. The cheating, the lies, the gaslighting, the psycho crazy other woman... that's been hard enough. But having to deal with the financial crisis he's left me in is awful too. It all goes together. I know I'll make it out of this eventually, but on days like yesterday when I saw that zero balance, even though I had everything planned out perfectly for things to get paid... it's very difficult to NOT look at what he did and how I ended up in this position in the first place. It's very difficult to NOT say that he had a hand in this because he DID. He was the one who pushed the idea of us moving into this house together. He was the one who promised to be here for us, to be a family, to take care of life's obstacles together and then HE was the one who decided he didn't want to do that anymore and didn't care much how much it would hurt us.

 

Yes, I'll suck it up and deal with it. I've been doing that for the past year. I sucked it up when he told me he'd been cheating for a year, I sucked it up when his hobo rubbed it in my face what they had done and how she took my man from me (and my son's father from him) and bragged about how they had sex in my bed and what a better woman than me she seems to think she is (and on and on and on.. read my past threads if you want to see what exactly I've been dealing with for the past year). I sucked it up when he ditched his child for his birthday, when he didn't ever call or come spend time with him, when he made promises he couldn't keep, or allowed her kids to beat on my child or humiliated me in public. One person can only "suck it up" just so many times. I didn't go psycho nuts on him or her and I very easily could have given the way they've both treated me and my son. I've dealt with this situation in as mature a manner as I can fathom and I think I've done a damn good job of it. I'm allowed to get upset and I'm allowed to blame the person who did this to me.... the one who put me in this position without a care in the world for what it would do to me or his child.

 

I will get out of this but in the meantime... I'm allowed to vent and complain. It isn't an easy position to be in. I've always been a very strong minded woman and to have to admit that I'm drowning in financial issues when I make decent money is very difficult to do. It's a tough thing to admit. I've dealt with quite a bit of crap in the past year. More stress than anyone can imagine. And to know that I wouldn't BE in these shoes if my son's father had been a decent man and followed through on his promises makes me angry to say the least. I try to focus on the positives and there are days when that isn't so easy to do, but I'm trying. Eventually I'll be able to get out of this house, the right apartment or house or solution to my issue will come along at the right time and this stress will subside somewhat.

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Did you say 40 animals? FORTY? Goodness! Holy cow that's a LOT of animals to house and take care of.

 

I think you get it somewhat though. The people who are saying I'm projecting blame onto someone else... well... I am because he deserves it. THIS is the mess he left behind when he thought he'd run off with some hobo half his age.

 

It's hard enough to end a relationship after 11 years being together. The cheating, the lies, the gaslighting, the psycho crazy other woman... that's been hard enough. But having to deal with the financial crisis he's left me in is awful too. It all goes together. I know I'll make it out of this eventually, but on days like yesterday when I saw that zero balance, even though I had everything planned out perfectly for things to get paid... it's very difficult to NOT look at what he did and how I ended up in this position in the first place. It's very difficult to NOT say that he had a hand in this because he DID. He was the one who pushed the idea of us moving into this house together. He was the one who promised to be here for us, to be a family, to take care of life's obstacles together and then HE was the one who decided he didn't want to do that anymore and didn't care much how much it would hurt us.

 

Yes, I'll suck it up and deal with it. I've been doing that for the past year. I sucked it up when he told me he'd been cheating for a year, I sucked it up when his hobo rubbed it in my face what they had done and how she took my man from me (and my son's father from him) and bragged about how they had sex in my bed and what a better woman than me she seems to think she is (and on and on and on.. read my past threads if you want to see what exactly I've been dealing with for the past year). I sucked it up when he ditched his child for his birthday, when he didn't ever call or come spend time with him, when he made promises he couldn't keep, or allowed her kids to beat on my child or humiliated me in public. One person can only "suck it up" just so many times. I didn't go psycho nuts on him or her and I very easily could have given the way they've both treated me and my son. I've dealt with this situation in as mature a manner as I can fathom and I think I've done a damn good job of it. I'm allowed to get upset and I'm allowed to blame the person who did this to me.... the one who put me in this position without a care in the world for what it would do to me or his child.

 

I will get out of this but in the meantime... I'm allowed to vent and complain. It isn't an easy position to be in. I've always been a very strong minded woman and to have to admit that I'm drowning in financial issues when I make decent money is very difficult to do. It's a tough thing to admit. I've dealt with quite a bit of crap in the past year. More stress than anyone can imagine. And to know that I wouldn't BE in these shoes if my son's father had been a decent man and followed through on his promises makes me angry to say the least. I try to focus on the positives and there are days when that isn't so easy to do, but I'm trying. Eventually I'll be able to get out of this house, the right apartment or house or solution to my issue will come along at the right time and this stress will subside somewhat.

 

Yes, I get it Raena, I'm just offering a differing view from other advice and trying to encourage against making choices you might later regret. Also offering what worked for me. What worked very well for me.

 

Dumping responsibility for the pooch or going to food banks is not first choice advice I like to see, especially when you have a son to set an example to. Besides, that's quitting talk and for the absolute last resort. I like to encourage up, not down.

 

As for the so called projection, I agree with you. The person you should have been able to trust more than anyone else fed you a pack of lies, wormtongued into your ear, encouraged you to build the foundation of your life upon them, and then tore it away from under your feet. It's disgusting behaviour and you are justified in anger towards him for both his past and present actions.

 

Vent away. Scream, shout, let it out, whatever keeps you moving forward and standing on your own two feet. I like your spirit.

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Yes, I get it Raena, I'm just offering a differing view from other advice and trying to encourage against making choices you might later regret. Also offering what worked for me. What worked very well for me.

 

Dumping responsibility for the pooch or going to food banks is not first choice advice I like to see, especially when you have a son to set an example to. Besides, that's quitting talk and for the absolute last resort. I like to encourage up, not down.

 

As for the so called projection, I agree with you. The person you should have been able to trust more than anyone else fed you a pack of lies, wormtongued into your ear, encouraged you to build the foundation of your life upon them, and then tore it away from under your feet. It's disgusting behaviour and you are justified in anger towards him for both his past and present actions.

 

Vent away. Scream, shout, let it out, whatever keeps you moving forward and standing on your own two feet. I like your spirit.

 

The bolded is exactly what I was thinking.

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Another thought....

 

If you and your son share a bedroom, can you get a roommate?

 

My son is 8, it's probably not a good idea for him to share a room with me. Just saying.

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