How do you stop chewing on the problem

[jackiecour]

I am having trouble in my marriage. If we break up, at least it'll be over one day. But I don't want to go through that. I love him, but also, we're wrong for each other and the relationship and intimacy are gone. But I do not want him to be sad.

 

So I am in limbo. The problem is, I am obsessed with this problem. I can barely get my work done, and I have a good job that I could advance in if I focus.

 

Every time I worry, I jump on the internet looking for answers, or I call a trusted friend and just pick the problem to death with words. If I'm in the car, I even talk to myself. I am hyper-focused on it every day, especially when there's some fresh new little trouble. My husband won't discuss any of it, so I just look elsewhere for questions like "What will happen? Will we be ok? Will it ever change? What is the right decision?" Bla, bla, bla.

 

I think I need to stop obsessing. Which I realize I am meta-obsessing right now (obsessing about obsessing-- ha!) At this point, I need some other way to deal with the sheer pain of the situation and focus on taking care of myself, even though we haven't solved any of our issues in the marriage (or divorced) yet.

 

I am a woman of many interests and much curiosity. I particularly love literature and art and history beauty of all kinds. But I can't seem to focus on a novel, or know what the heck to do with myself when the old worry horse marches into my head.

 

I'd like something that is a pleasure and a bit of an addiction, and easy, not like exercise. I do exercise but have to drag myself to it. Food doesn't work; can't enjoy it when I'm upset. Something easy to pick up. What do you all do when you're upset and need to take care of your brain before it spins out?

[Arient]

Just wonder what is wrong with your marriage? Because in my opinion, it's the period of reaching a decision that is the most troublesome, after that, we just have to deal with the aftermath. I just think that you will need to solve the problem, because such an issue will just hang there if not eliminated.

[True Gent]

The first thing to do is communicate with your husband.

 

Have you spoken about your problems together at all? You both have to talk very openly and honestly about what's gone wrong. It won't go away on it's own.

 

Even if there is no way of making things better, then you must breakup. Even of it hurts both of you, staying in a dead and passionless relationship is actually more harmful to both of you. Yes breakups suck big time and it really is hard and painful, but ultimitley everyone will be better off in the end.

 

At least you have the courage to do acknowledge you aren't right and haven't lined up someone else which would hurt him a hell of a lot more. Been on the receiving end of that one just last year. Honestly he will survive and so will you, very much so by the sounds of it.

[jackiecour]

Just wonder what is wrong with your marriage? Because in my opinion, it's the period of reaching a decision that is the most troublesome, after that, we just have to deal with the aftermath. I just think that you will need to solve the problem, because such an issue will just hang there if not eliminated.

 

You think so? Amelia Earhart said that deciding is the hardest part, the rest is just tenacity. I'm hoping that's true. I can handle some pain but not this limbo. I've been in it for years. We've done a lot of marriage counseling. Staying in would keep me in limbo, unless I get some indication that we're making progress and have hope of a healthy relationship

 

I was looking for ways to cope/take care of myself while still in the limbo. Maybe I won t get peace until I make a decision.

 

If I decide on divorce, then he will be in limbo and pain. He'll be angry and at the same time he may want to try to change my mind. That's a painful thought for me. I told him the other night that I felt our relationship was broken and our goodwill and intimacy were gone, and that I'd rather be in no relationship than an unhealthy one. He knows what our problems are, we've done a lot of counseling and things only get worse.

 

But he was angry and hurt when I told him that. He retaliated against me by refusing to let me see our 2 yr old son for 24 hours (kept taking him outside and in different rooms shutting the doors, wouldn't let me come in). Our son got sick and kept throwing up and my husband wouldn't let me be with him overnight or check on him even though he always sleeps next to me. There wasn't any reason for it except anger. Then when I went to work he ignored my texts and wouldn't let me know whether our son was ok or still sick or what.

 

So I know he'll be even more angry if I decide on divorce. People are not at their best when angry or scared or rejected. And I hate to see him in pain even though I'm mad at him for reacting this way.

 

Is this something I can even cope with? There's something this unpleasant pretty much every day. Unhealthy relationship, afraid to get out because I don't want him to suffer and also I fear retaliation.

 

I need a way to breathe and make my decision from a place of sanity.

[True Gent]

You think so? Amelia Earhart said that deciding is the hardest part, the rest is just tenacity. I'm hoping that's true. I can handle some pain but not this limbo. I've been in it for years. We've done a lot of marriage counseling. Staying in would keep me in limbo, unless I get some indication that we're making progress and have hope of a healthy relationship

 

I was looking for ways to cope/take care of myself while still in the limbo. Maybe I won t get peace until I make a decision.

 

If I decide on divorce, then he will be in limbo and pain. He'll be angry and at the same time he may want to try to change my mind. That's a painful thought for me. I told him the other night that I felt our relationship was broken and our goodwill and intimacy were gone, and that I'd rather be in no relationship than an unhealthy one. He knows what our problems are, we've done a lot of counseling and things only get worse.

 

But he was angry and hurt when I told him that. He retaliated against me by refusing to let me see our 2 yr old son for 24 hours (kept taking him outside and in different rooms shutting the doors, wouldn't let me come in). Our son got sick and kept throwing up and my husband wouldn't let me be with him overnight or check on him even though he always sleeps next to me. There wasn't any reason for it except anger. Then when I went to work he ignored my texts and wouldn't let me know whether our son was ok or still sick or what.

 

So I know he'll be even more angry if I decide on divorce. People are not at their best when angry or scared or rejected. And I hate to see him in pain even though I'm mad at him for reacting this way.

 

Is this something I can even cope with? There's something this unpleasant pretty much every day. Unhealthy relationship, afraid to get out because I don't want him to suffer and also I fear retaliation.

 

I need a way to breathe and make my decision from a place of sanity.

 

I think you know deep down what your decision is/should be. Like you say living in limbo and being in an unhealthy relationship is not good for either of you.

 

It sounds like he is aware of the problems just as much as you are. He is also living in limbo, or burying his head in the sand. Also in my opinion him using your child as manipulation is totally wrong in every way. No matter what your issues are as a couple you're both parents and that has nothing to do with his inability to accept or see reality.

[SecondStoryEmpirse]

The first thing to do is communicate with your husband.

 

Have you spoken about your problems together at all? You both have to talk very openly and honestly about what's gone wrong. It won't go away on it's own.

.

 

I agree with True Gent, at least on this portion of his reply. I think keeping the lines of communication open during this rough time will definitely help.

[jackiecour]

But how do i do that by myself? My husband won't discuss. That's one reason I'm looking for ways to cope, fine peace, and figure it out.

[Tiger Lily]

What do you all do when you're upset and need to take care of your brain before it spins out?

 

The best thing to help me find peace: prayer. It's truly wonderful, but not always easy to remember to do.

 

I also like knitting. It's definitely addictive, and at least I can get a blanket or something out of it.

Edited September 13, 2014 by Tiger Lily

[Arient]

You think so? Amelia Earhart said that deciding is the hardest part, the rest is just tenacity. I'm hoping that's true. I can handle some pain but not this limbo. I've been in it for years. We've done a lot of marriage counseling. Staying in would keep me in limbo, unless I get some indication that we're making progress and have hope of a healthy relationship

 

I was looking for ways to cope/take care of myself while still in the limbo. Maybe I won t get peace until I make a decision.

 

If I decide on divorce, then he will be in limbo and pain. He'll be angry and at the same time he may want to try to change my mind. That's a painful thought for me. I told him the other night that I felt our relationship was broken and our goodwill and intimacy were gone, and that I'd rather be in no relationship than an unhealthy one. He knows what our problems are, we've done a lot of counseling and things only get worse.

 

But he was angry and hurt when I told him that. He retaliated against me by refusing to let me see our 2 yr old son for 24 hours (kept taking him outside and in different rooms shutting the doors, wouldn't let me come in). Our son got sick and kept throwing up and my husband wouldn't let me be with him overnight or check on him even though he always sleeps next to me. There wasn't any reason for it except anger. Then when I went to work he ignored my texts and wouldn't let me know whether our son was ok or still sick or what.

 

So I know he'll be even more angry if I decide on divorce. People are not at their best when angry or scared or rejected. And I hate to see him in pain even though I'm mad at him for reacting this way.

 

Is this something I can even cope with? There's something this unpleasant pretty much every day. Unhealthy relationship, afraid to get out because I don't want him to suffer and also I fear retaliation.

 

I need a way to breathe and make my decision from a place of sanity.

 

I don't just think so, I know it's true, as it happened to me already. After the more information you gave, I honestly think you MUST talk things through with your husband. I'm a person who always prefer fighting for and staying in a relationship, but sometimes, it's better for both just to stop. A broken relationship is like a broken glass, sometimes it's best to leave it when it's broken than trying to fix it and hurting yourself. Through what you wrote, I can see that you really care for your husband. But think in a different way, if you file for a divorce, you're fearing that he will be so sad, angry, and in pain, but what about staying? He and you are stuck, maybe not extremely sad or hurt if you and he decide to end things, but instead, the pain, the unhappiness, and the feeling of stuck will go for so much longer. It's just the same amount of pain, but spanned in a longer period so it's less intense.

 

Thus, I think you two should sit down and talk. I dont know your husband, so I dont know how you can get him to discuss. But I think you know how, as you have stayed and loved him for so long. Just make him feel that the discussion is for the good side. Maybe just do not try to make it too serious, just let him relax, so you two can have some real and quality talks.

See if you two can work on it and give it a last try. Just remember, even if you have to end things, don't think that it's a bad thing for your husband. He might get hurt badly at first, but rather hurt very much for a short period of time then find happiness again, than just stuck in an unhappy situation for the rest of his life. So it's actually a good thing to do for both, for you and FOR HIM Just take the first step, you don't have to see the whole staircase, but just take the first step