BridgetGrey Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 So I think this thread may be helpful. Do any of you think your ex was the source of your joy and all? For me my ex in the honeymoon period before long distance weight in and our issues and backgrounds weighted in as well I felt like he was the source of my joy. As long distance factored in and he stopped communicating he was no longer the source of joy. We do not fit into the category of dumper and dumpee more like as mutual at the moment I would say. Especially since it was my finale call to end the relationship in a graceful manner. I know deep down it would have never worked out because we he was much more advanced in his life than I was and never going to saddle into one place. The most important thing is that I know he wouldn't have made me happy for many reasons because one of us would have to sacrifice or comprise on our lives goals to make it work. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Pleasant Surprise Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I used to associate my ex with happiness when we were dating. Now, it's the exact opposite. Currently she is the source of my stress and depression. Often I find myself relating my feelings of happiness and my idea of a good relationship to the time we spent together, though. I have always been able to make myself relatively happy, however I do not think I can find the happiness I found in her as a partner in any way other than being in a relationship. However, just as easily as she can give me that happiness, she can take it away. I suppose the answer is yes and no. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I used to associate my ex with happiness when we were dating. Now, it's the exact opposite. Currently she is the source of my stress and depression. Often I find myself relating my feelings of happiness and my idea of a good relationship to the time we spent together, though. I have always been able to make myself relatively happy, however I do not think I can find the happiness I found in her as a partner in any way other than being in a relationship. However, just as easily as she can give me that happiness, she can take it away. I suppose the answer is yes and no. Until you realise that actually, your source of stress and depression is NOT your ex, but that you generate that stress and depression by dwelling and wallowing, you will not move on. She does nothing. Whatever happens in your head, and whichever your thoughts go, is down to you. She did not give you happiness, you found happiness in being with her. And she didn't take it away. It's still there. You're just using it to crush yourself with, not build upon it, for the good times.... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 So I think this thread may be helpful. Do any of you think your ex was the source of your joy and all? For me my ex in the honeymoon period before long distance weight in and our issues and backgrounds weighted in as well I felt like he was the source of my joy. As long distance factored in and he stopped communicating he was no longer the source of joy. We do not fit into the category of dumper and dumpee more like as mutual at the moment I would say. Especially since it was my finale call to end the relationship in a graceful manner. I know deep down it would have never worked out because we he was much more advanced in his life than I was and never going to saddle into one place. The most important thing is that I know he wouldn't have made me happy for many reasons because one of us would have to sacrifice or comprise on our lives goals to make it work. Any thoughts? Establishing a centred state of contentment and serenity with yourself (I use the term in a general sense, not in a personal one) means that whether the happiness, or joy, is short- or long-term, we can pretty much find our stability once again when that joy/happiness dulls, or wears off altogether. Such emotions are not dependent upon us having someone to do that for us, in our lives. The happiness and joy we find with a person, should be the icing on the cake, not the primary focus or be-all-and-end-all. The cake should be our own well-being and peace of mind. Everything else is a fleeting, transitory bonus. We should view it as such and accept it as such, without letting its departure mar the core of our existence. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BridgetGrey Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 Establishing a centred state of contentment and serenity with yourself (I use the term in a general sense, not in a personal one) means that whether the happiness, or joy, is short- or long-term, we can pretty much find our stability once again when that joy/happiness dulls, or wears off altogether. Such emotions are not dependent upon us having someone to do that for us, in our lives. The happiness and joy we find with a person, should be the icing on the cake, not the primary focus or be-all-and-end-all. The cake should be our own well-being and peace of mind. Everything else is a fleeting, transitory bonus. We should view it as such and accept it as such, without letting its departure mar the core of our existence. I would say for me I achieved something I wanted so badly and then in the same me and my ex got together. Yes it iced the cake but I did want him in my life. I don't know I try to say there will better times coming up in my live not out of this relationship probably with a personal achievement rather than a new relationship .. Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 He was definitely a source of joy but not the only source. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 my ex could often make me laugh we had good times and then we had some not so good times....joy has always been in the little things for me..... like i haven't worn glasses for four years......i can say i felt joy when i can see again now clearly.....i could see definition on birds and trees and leaves and i got lost in lines i haven't been able to see at all....the stars...before were these big blurs....they now are so clear......like tiny diamonds...they are so so bright......i felt joy i could see them and then realized how much i take for granted......just from having a clear perspective.....my whole view shifted...i have decided to take my glasses off in the house however because i can actually see dirt now...i prefer the blur of ignorance.....smilin...kidding...joy is in all the little things that are there which you choose to see or not......or you get glasses and the world becomes so much brighter...joy to me definitely cannot be controlled by another its all you....and how you feel...people can make you feel happy but joy ......comes from deep down ...its divine in nature...and once felt you ache to feel it again....that to me isnt from another ...its from within....deb... Link to post Share on other sites
Michael 93 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I used to associate my ex with happiness when we were dating. Now, it's the exact opposite. Currently she is the source of my stress and depression. Often I find myself relating my feelings of happiness and my idea of a good relationship to the time we spent together, though. I have always been able to make myself relatively happy, however I do not think I can find the happiness I found in her as a partner in any way other than being in a relationship. However, just as easily as she can give me that happiness, she can take it away. I suppose the answer is yes and no. Very Very true. Same for me also. Bit of a situation to be in isnt it Link to post Share on other sites
Pleasant Surprise Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Until you realise that actually, your source of stress and depression is NOT your ex, but that you generate that stress and depression by dwelling and wallowing, you will not move on. She does nothing. Whatever happens in your head, and whichever your thoughts go, is down to you. She did not give you happiness, you found happiness in being with her. And she didn't take it away. It's still there. You're just using it to crush yourself with, not build upon it, for the good times.... This is actually very true and I hadn't thought of it this way. This will be very useful to me in moving on. I think you helped me realize that just because I will no longer be experiencing the same exact things that made me happy before, doesn't mean that I can't experience those things again in the future with another person or even be happy about my past experiences. I believe that one day I will be able to look back on the time I spent with my ex from a more healthy standpoint, and be able to look back on this with a smile on my face with no negative emotions. Currently I can't see that happening, but I know it's possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 (edited) Ah man..I'm sorry to hear that. When we were in the best period of our relationship, the memories with my ex were unbelievable feelings of joy and happiness. Having not been in one in a good 8 years and having to deal with a battery of rejection for years from many others following that..I really saw the value in what I had. When someone calls you at the end of the day because THEY WANTED to see how your day went, that's happiness. When they text you something lame or goofy that they found funny having not knowing you've been having the worst day at work, that's happiness. When you miss the last bus out and you got no way to get home but normally you'd be alone trying to figure out what to do, except today, she's there with you, that's happiness. But then we slowly disintegrated over a few months eventually leading to her telling me she didn't see a future with me and that this was over. The worst part was, she didn't leave after that. She stayed because she was so attached to this and me having fallen in love with her, couldn't leave her either. So, for 2 years following that, we were on and off, gettng into fights, not talking for days only to get weak and hang out again, fight again rinse and repeat..because we were so attached. And even though we knew this was eventually going to end, we couldn't stop. It was madness. So then, about a year and a half after we had stopped talking, a few run-ins at mutual events, and an online message here and there, sparked communication again and started building an actual friendship. To this day, we still work real hard to maintain to this day and it's always going to be like that. It's nice but difficult being you have to establish a lot of rules and fine lines, due to history. But practice makes perfect and it's been getting easier everyday. We both date other people now and both know our relationship is over now and we're ok with that. That is happy and joyous times. So Yes and No to answer your question. Trust, Respect, Honesty, and Communication were the ingredients that got us through these 4 rough years. It took 4 freakin years..but we got it done. It's not easy, and not everyone is going to be able to do it. Depends on what you two really had. You'll both have to figure out the right mix of these 4 things in order to get passed the rocky times. That's my opinion. But I hope it works out well for you. Edited August 1, 2014 by Beachead Link to post Share on other sites
OwMyEyeball Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I was feeling quite happy and confident before I met my most recent ex. And continued to feel that away until the final few months of our relationship. I like what Tbisb shared. Emotions are self-generated and regulated. In the long run we're doing ourselves the greatest service by honouring our own innate ability to feel joy and fulfillment. Healthy relationships (not just romantic ones) form much more smoothly, organically and enjoyably when they connect through the confidence of authenticity. Once we learn to truly accept ourselves, engaging in relationships with others becomes immensely more satisfying and simple. What's easier than being you? Wish I could speak from years of experiencing this first hand. I can only attest to moments in my life where I've felt comfortable in my own shoes and experienced genuine joy. I feel that it's something to work towards. You could ask yourself what your state of mind was before the relationship. How were you doing then? How do you typically fare when you're single? What are your sources of joy then? Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I was feeling quite happy and confident before I met my most recent ex. And continued to feel that away until the final few months of our relationship. I like what Tbisb shared. Emotions are self-generated and regulated. In the long run we're doing ourselves the greatest service by honouring our own innate ability to feel joy and fulfillment. Healthy relationships (not just romantic ones) form much more smoothly, organically and enjoyably when they connect through the confidence of authenticity. Once we learn to truly accept ourselves, engaging in relationships with others becomes immensely more satisfying and simple. What's easier than being you? Wish I could speak from years of experiencing this first hand. I can only attest to moments in my life where I've felt comfortable in my own shoes and experienced genuine joy. I feel that it's something to work towards. You could ask yourself what your state of mind was before the relationship. How were you doing then? How do you typically fare when you're single? What are your sources of joy then? I stand by this 100% Link to post Share on other sites
dumbass2 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I associate my ex with some happiness, but now my feelings are sad and then angry over how the break up went down. Sad that now I reflect back and just see that it was so much work. I do try to remember the great times because there were many, but just way too much to try and make it work. I'm Angry now because of how it all went down. Link to post Share on other sites
Reels Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 (edited) Yes I do associate and I can't deny that I was really very happy when she was in my life. Edited August 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
elseaacych Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 No. I do not associate him with happiness. Sure, I enjoyed being with him. But I was also at a time in my life where everything just seemed to go right, so I was basking in a glow of confidence. He, however, brought me down on occasion, and particularly near the end of our relationship. I was his emotional buffer, and when I struggled with something, it was too much for him to handle. Looking back, he was only there for me when it was convenient. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BridgetGrey Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 No. I do not associate him with happiness. Sure, I enjoyed being with him. But I was also at a time in my life where everything just seemed to go right, so I was basking in a glow of confidence. He, however, brought me down on occasion, and particularly near the end of our relationship. I was his emotional buffer, and when I struggled with something, it was too much for him to handle. Looking back, he was only there for me when it was convenient. It's kinda similar in my case. And this how I know the relationships even though it was long distance but in RL he would have reacted the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I did at first yes infact I remember thinking he was the best thing that ever happened to me but not now no... with time to reflect I realise the "honeymoon" period made me happy and thats what i was clinging on to because things were NOT like that at the end... I think thats why people grieve not so much for the end of the RS but more for the person we thought they were x Link to post Share on other sites
Author BridgetGrey Posted August 3, 2014 Author Share Posted August 3, 2014 I guess that honeymoon lasts for a month or two or a year maybe max , but when real issues occurs and you start to question ok where is this gonna go the relationship goes down hell. Link to post Share on other sites
JBlackstone Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 No. The farther I get away from the relationship the clearer it becomes. Sure there were fun, good times but I choose to believe there is someone out there who is a better match. Like it's been said before, happiness comes from within. It's your choice if you allow external factors, people included, to alter your internal state. Link to post Share on other sites
Justaguy30 Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 My ex made me happier than I have ever been in my entire life which makes the breakup really hard for me. To her people come and go and she can always have some new guy in her life, she is smoking hot and is kinda easy... Guys like that. For me I am picky and don't want just anyone so this has been really hard for me. Its been 6 months since we broke up and about 10 since our relationship was worth a ****. I am still in pain everyday and it sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
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