10 years after breakup, I'm still lost, and not over it.

[svc]

Just looking to get my story out. I’ve gone crazy keeping these feelings to myself...

 

 

10 years ago, I fell head over heels for a 19 year old girl. Lets call her leslie. I was 22 at the time. The first time I ever saw her, I knew she was “the one.” One week after we met, we went on a roadtrip together as (practically) strangers. I never had more fun in my entire life. I met her family and I loved them just as much. She always had the right thing to say to me and knew how to make me smile….

 

 

We dated for 9 months. It was my fault that we broke up. I was so in love with her, that I smothered her. I kept talking about getting married, having kids, etc. She told me many times to slow down because she was only 19. All it did was make me panic. Mix and repeat and I was now alone… I tired several times to fix things and was eventually told to never contact her again. Because I loved her very much, that is exactly what I did.

 

I dated a few women after Leslie and 3 years later, I got married to my wife. I had feelings for my wife, but not enough to justify marriage. I accepted that the love of my life was gone and I had to move forward. As I said my wedding vows, all I could think about was Leslie and how much I missed her.

 

A year into my marriage, I had a lapse in judgement and decided to look for her on Facebook. Sure enough, I found her. I looked though her posts and she looked happy. It made me happy and sad to see her and I left it at that. As I was closing my FB page, I saw I had a message in my inbox. It was from Leslie. I almost fainted. I thought she somehow knew I was looking at her profile and was telling me to go to hell, but it was just the opposite. At the exact moment I decided to search for her, she contacts me wondering how I’m doing.

 

We eventually met and had dinner together. 4 years after not seeing or speaking to each other, every emotion I once had came racing back. She had a BF and I was married, but for that hour or so, I tried hard to pretend it was just her and I. As much as I wanted to tell her I still loved her, my wife and I now had a baby on the way. I kept my composure and didn’t take that route. When we were both driving home, she called me in tears. I don’t remember her exact words, but she said she was sorry for everything that happened and was happy I met with her.

 

 

Six years have gone by since I saw her. I am still married, now with two kids and she is married to her BF with one child. We still secretly talk via facebook. Sometimes a month goes by, sometimes a year, but we still communicate. Neither one of us has really plunged into our deep feelings for each other. Well, I guess I don’t know if she has deep feelings for me. I certainly don’t bother to communicate to any other ex I’ve had.

 

 

Ironically, my wife and I got into a huge fight a few weeks ago and said she wants a divorce. One week after that, I get a message from Leslie. It’s been at least 6 months since I’ve heard from her. Instead of writing her back, I asked her to call me and she reluctantly did. It was great hearing her voice again. I planned on meeting her and finally telling her I still love her, in person. She said she was busy with work and her baby, but still pushed me, thinking something was up. I told her I missed her. There was a long pause on her end and she finally said she still thinks about me too. Then she said, “as long as you don’t say you love me….”

 

 

And that’s where things are. 10 years and I still want to be with her very, very much….and still very confused. Thanks for reading this far.

Edited April 30, 2014 by svc
bad formatting

[Grumpybutfun]

You are obsessing about the one that got away. You need therapy to figure out why you feel the need to do this to the detriment of your own marriage...you not only have set up unrealistic expectations for yourself and this girl but now you have dragged your wife's one life on this world into you selfish drama, not to mention your kids. You are emotionally cheating and need to divorce your wife and set her free or get some therapy. This isn't healthy and you aren't being a very good man, husband or father. Ruin your own life but don't drag your wife and kids down with you...let them go or stop playing what if and pretend land. It isn't your wife's fault if you married her under false pretenses and you were in love with another. Let her find a man who will love her for her and to the exclusion of some high school girl who dumped you.

Grow up,

Grumps

[esteem-jam]

I can feel the little romantic boy in you =)

 

If you propose your love to her, and suggest getting together, I can assure by 99.99% it will be game over for you. She will tell you again to never contact her.

Many can talk the talk, but few can live it. You probably were hers fantasy too, she can talk your ears, but has/can she act on it? She wont.

 

Its like in the movies a guy proposes "lets run away from everybody". They pack the bags, arrange to meet at the train station - but in the last moment the girl flunks out. This running away will never happen. When the plot starts to go this way, you will know how it will end.

[LostInTheWild]

One thing I've learned in my years is that you should never look back. There is always something there waiting to hurt you, or ruin you.

 

I resurrected a former lover into a full-fledged relationship. The universe repaid me gladly with nothing but pain almost the entire time.

 

For 10 years...And three of which we claimed to be in love.

 

I've recently really let go because he has a child on the way now. Hell will freeze over before I talk to him again.

 

And before I go, I want to say this: my problem is I haven't learned to appreciate what I HAVE in my life. I pine for what and who I want, but will I ever live out my fantasies? Probably not.

 

THAT is what life is like. THAT is the real world. Appreciate the love you have around you. It is precious. Enjoy it.

[Fistan]

i think you married the wrong person. You are breaking up with your wife yet you are worried about this girl you've lost years ago? I'd say you need closure, right now you are hoping somehow in this whole mess there might be a happy ending for you. Truth is noone knows, and only way to know for sure is to talk to her about what you've experienced, be honest all the way if you trust her sincerity towards you. After that , whether it be good or bad you gotta respect her decision. My guess would be not a happy ending but i dont think you'll have closure until you hear the words from her. In any case if she rejects then you need to completely get her out of your life otherwise you will never move on, and trust me mate being friends with someone you have so much feelings for, is impossible, every day will be a torment. You cannot love another until you get her completely off your mind, and that will take some serious time for you.(with nc)

[Absinthe]

I have an ex just like Leslie. And yes, we are approaching ten years of this circus ring.

 

My ex does not leave me alone, does not allow me closure, and it sounds like Leslie is the same. NC doesn't work for me: I've done the cold turkey thing many a time, only now its like trying to plug five leaks with two hands. If I block him on Facebook, one day an email will pop up in my inbox. If I block him on Skype, one day I'll receive a drunken SMS out of the blue. Ad infinitum. He talks the talk but I know in my heart if I asked him to step up to the plate, he'd bail. Ditto for Leslie.

 

I have done my damnedest to get away from this man and I have a great life as a result. I live in the tropics and have my dream job! But after several failed relationships (during which my ex seemed to reappear as if by psychic radar) I have accepted that I am now completely emotionally unavailable and the only step left for me is professional help in the form of counselling. I would advise that you take the same route. I would dearly love to find a great man but it is not fair to him if I am longing for the b*tard who messed with my head. It is not fair on your wife or your children.

 

I know that it is easier said than done. Believe me, I am still fighting the good fight.

[Reels]

Looks like we got to know another story, that how true love never dies.

[Jingle14]

Looks like we got to know another story, that how true love never dies.

 

But it can only be 'true love' if it's the same on both sides. And if that were true in this case - as in my own - the other person would be by our side right now. Instead, we are all on here pouring our hearts out while 'they' are getting on with their lives, and often with other people. We can't go on deluding ourselves about our 'great love' and the 'love of my life' (and I do the same) - the 'love of our life' would never leave, therefore it's unrequited and unreciprocated. Sadly.

[Assasda]

Its a good thing "Leslie" left you when she did. Because youre smothering in your mind, and she's not even with you.

 

Sometimes people love other people for the rest of their lives and cant do anything about it. You have more of an obsession, and you should probably get it under control.

Cudos to your wife for getting a divorce

[svc]

Thanks for your replies. I mainly wrote this so I could get it off my chest, but I felt better after hearing others have had similar experiences.

 

 

I've (virtually) never been single. Relationships have been an addiction of mine since about the 4th grade. I've been unhappy in nearly all the countless relationships I've had, but Leslie has always stood out. Every time I'm unhappy, I think about her and somehow wish she would "save" me and make me happy forever.

 

 

I realize my addiction to relationships and neediness is unhealthy. Although, I'm confused why it's wrong to feel this way about her. I especially don't understand why she contacts me. She can't possibly believe I want to be "friends" with her or that my feelings for her aren't much deeper. If she's just using me in some way, I really don't understand what for. If we have an emotional desire for each other, I don't get why we didn't reconcile a very long time ago.

 

 

Anyways...Yes, I've been to therapy about this, but after your replies I'm starting to take a new angle and approach it as a problem. This is something I've been very unwilling to admit to.

[littleplanet]

Well SVC, that's a helluva story. As an ancient warrior, I have a few comments to make.

For you, she is the one that got away. But what you need to know better than you know your own name, is if you have, or ever had a chance with her. Because way down deep, that's what your issue is. And she needs to tell the truth.

Think about the real reasons your missus wants a divorce. And the real reasons why you can let her go. What exactly is it that Leslie needs from you?

The real truth resides in your own heart - and it can be a stubborn thing.

We lose...we let go (or think we have) knowing that life goes on, and one can't stay locked up in a dungeon forever.

Necessary honesty can hurt like hell. It can leave us lonely. Sometimes the only solace we can have is knowing that we did the right thing. That's what a conscience is for.

Your confusion - needs to be un-confused.

(Yeah, easy for me to say.)

Think about that motto a little bit: don't use, or be used. Leads to lots of resentment both sides.

Could be you gave your heart away 10 years ago, and until this is resolved, it will never be free to offer anyone else.

Without that resolution, one way or another, you can't move on.

I wish you the best of luck!