Cynical post- is it actually possible to be truly happy alone after a breakup?

[imspsm]

Got dumped 3 months ago- been NC ever since and am feeling worse than ever over the festive season.

 

Have been ruminating alot recently and also reading a lot of relationship posts and I have some worryingly cynical observations that I'm hoping someone can talk me out of....

 

From what I can see from other peoples posts (perfect example: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/450043-almost-5-years-coping-never-wouldve-imagined)

 

and from my own experiences, I'm finding it hard to believe that if one comes out of (what was for them) a happy relationship how can one ever be truly happy alone.

 

The difference for me between people who seem to have become happy again or not seems to be whether they have found someone else. I want to happy alone as due to how my work/travel situation is I won't be settled down in one place for more than a month or two for the next 2+ years. Its scaring me seeing how unhappy I still am even though I'm working on improving the rest of my life, I'm worried I will still feel like this throughout the next 2+ years?!

 

Maybe, I'm just codependent but I honestly don't see how I could change my current feelings when the relationship was fulfilling so many of my basic physiological + psychological needs.

 

Please someone burst my cynical bubble and give me some examples of people becoming happy alone.

[Kizza]

To be happy alone you need to be the master of your own happiness and not rely on someone else to ensure your happiness.

 

A person who was positive and even happy alone was Nelson Mandela. He was locked up for years and did not allow sadness, depression or loneliness swallow him whole.

[Survivor12]

I am both happy and content being alone. I'll admit, it took a while to recover after a painful breakup nearly 4 years ago, but I have, and I can honestly say that I am as happy as I have ever been. You see, for the first time in my adult life (I was married for many years follwed by a LT relationship), I am not dependent on anyone but myself to make me happy.

 

The choices I make are my own. When I find that something in my life isn't working for me, I change it. Because I'm not focused on a "partner", I am able to give more attention to my family and friends, to people and causes that I choose to support--and to myself. I come and go when I choose, I sleep when I'm tired and I eat when I'm hungry. The way I spend my time is based on what I need and want. I have come to love spontaneity (which is a BIG change for me!).

 

Above all, I have found an inner peace that eluded me for many years. Having been extremely co-dependent, satisfaction was based on whether someone else was happy, how they felt & what they thought about me. I was controlled by expectations of what I "should" do, think & feel. Now, I am controlled only by my conscience and being who I want to be.

 

In many ways, I am a different person than I was a few years ago--and I LIKE who I am. There is no reason for pretense anymore. I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I am not bound by someone else's expectations. Likewise, I am more forgiving and generous--both of myself and others--because I am much more in touch with what's in my own heart.

 

Now, it may sound that I am rejecting relationships, but I'm not. I just don't NEED one to be happy and I'm not really looking for one right now. That could change, of course, but if I do meet someone, they'll be the icing on my cake, not the flour in my batter and they'll want the same from me.

[strive]

very well said survivor12!

[theothersully]

I have come to realize I am not a person who can be happy alone and that is ok.

 

I have replaced my ex wife with friends who fill her old friendship role and with lovers/hookups that fill (and way exceed) her old sex role.

 

When I am alone for a few days, I hate it. I get this feeling like life is short and I am missing out on all the fun.

 

When I experience something new in life (i travel constantly), I much prefer to have someone around to experience these things with.

[2fargone]

Happy... I don't know about that, I don't deal much with feelings other than in the privacy of a relationship.

 

 

I'm content to say the least. Live my life, wether it's with or without someone. I do what I like, I am able to be myself. Again, with or without someone.

 

 

Someone always comes around when I am alone. I don't look or search, I just live...

 

 

Perhaps I am happy after all... :S

[Erlaad]

Got dumped 3 months ago- been NC ever since and am feeling worse than ever over the festive season.

 

Have been ruminating alot recently and also reading a lot of relationship posts and I have some worryingly cynical observations that I'm hoping someone can talk me out of....

 

From what I can see from other peoples posts (perfect example: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/450043-almost-5-years-coping-never-wouldve-imagined)

 

and from my own experiences, I'm finding it hard to believe that if one comes out of (what was for them) a happy relationship how can one ever be truly happy alone.

 

The difference for me between people who seem to have become happy again or not seems to be whether they have found someone else. I want to happy alone as due to how my work/travel situation is I won't be settled down in one place for more than a month or two for the next 2+ years. Its scaring me seeing how unhappy I still am even though I'm working on improving the rest of my life, I'm worried I will still feel like this throughout the next 2+ years?!

 

Maybe, I'm just codependent but I honestly don't see how I could change my current feelings when the relationship was fulfilling so many of my basic physiological + psychological needs.

 

Please someone burst my cynical bubble and give me some examples of people becoming happy alone.

 

You cynical bubble is a direct consequence of your mental anguish. Your mind is trying to protect itself from future pain by automatically assuming that this situation should always be avoided because now it hurts. If you try to put it into this rational point of view, it becomes easier to see the fallacy.

 

Let me ask you a question: assume you are baking a cake. Would you mix eggs and flour and then taste how the mixture is made before you add up all the rest? It wouldn't taste good, I guess. You'll never be able to judge the taste of the cake just from eggs and flour.

 

Your journey to yourself is just started. It's normal that you feel you can't make it on your own. Give yourself time and soldier on. Cynism just expresses your fear, which you should let go. You'll reap huge benefits later.

 

We are all by your side. /Hugs

 

- Erl

Edited December 26, 2013 by Erlaad

[toolforgrowth]

I am both happy and content being alone. I'll admit, it took a while to recover after a painful breakup nearly 4 years ago, but I have, and I can honestly say that I am as happy as I have ever been. You see, for the first time in my adult life (I was married for many years follwed by a LT relationship), I am not dependent on anyone but myself to make me happy.

 

The choices I make are my own. When I find that something in my life isn't working for me, I change it. Because I'm not focused on a "partner", I am able to give more attention to my family and friends, to people and causes that I choose to support--and to myself. I come and go when I choose, I sleep when I'm tired and I eat when I'm hungry. The way I spend my time is based on what I need and want. I have come to love spontaneity (which is a BIG change for me!).

 

Above all, I have found an inner peace that eluded me for many years. Having been extremely co-dependent, satisfaction was based on whether someone else was happy, how they felt & what they thought about me. I was controlled by expectations of what I "should" do, think & feel. Now, I am controlled only by my conscience and being who I want to be.

 

In many ways, I am a different person than I was a few years ago--and I LIKE who I am. There is no reason for pretense anymore. I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I am not bound by someone else's expectations. Likewise, I am more forgiving and generous--both of myself and others--because I am much more in touch with what's in my own heart.

 

Now, it may sound that I am rejecting relationships, but I'm not. I just don't NEED one to be happy and I'm not really looking for one right now. That could change, of course, but if I do meet someone, they'll be the icing on my cake, not the flour in my batter and they'll want the same from me.

 

This is pure gold.

 

You're no longer looking for external validation. The validation is now internal and comes from within yourself. Once that change happens is when you're truly able to let go and be happy alone.

 

The thing is, being single does not equal being alone. I'm single and I have far more friends now than I've had in at least 10 years (probably more). I'm many things, but alone isn't one of them.

 

The key is not equate being single with being alone. Hell, I was far more alone when I was married than I am as a single guy! I had no friends and an emotionally distant wife. I'd take being single over that ANY day.

[d0nnivain]

It takes a while. Part of it is giving yourself permission to pamper yourself. Find something you enjoy doing alone & do it. I like curling up under a soft blanket on my couch in front of the fireplace & reading a book with my dog on my feet.

[singme2sleep]

I get how you're feeling, really I do. I'm struggling with this also because I wasn't dependent on him but I was happy. I have been single for almost a year now and while there are moments of happiness and aspects of my life that make me happy, yet I'm still lonely. They say you must be happy on your own before you can be happy with a partner...well I would like to meet somebody who is single and completely content that way!