I am living my life, but I'm not.

[Janni]

I feel numb most of the time now. He lives in my mind. Different situations pop up in my head all the time. Things he said to me. Things I should have done. How great we were together. Everything I did wrong. I found two cards from him, from flowers he's send me. One said "Because I love you." I had to fight so hard not to cry. I miss him so much. Sometimes I think maybe I could forgive him for sleeping with her. Cheating on me. Maybe it was my own fault. Maybe I deserve it for not showing him how much I love him. For taking him for granted. Maybe if I'd done this or that differently, we'd still be together. But it's too late. None of it matters now. And I don't know how to go on.

 

I am living my nightmare. I am living a life I hate. A life I never wanted. But there's nothing I can do about it. I have to go through the storm to get out on the other side. The problem is I don't want to get out on the other side. I am afraid of not loving him anymore. I am afraid of the day I wake up and feel indifferent about him. That day will kill me.

 

I dream of the day he'll contact me. Tell me he still loves me. That he always did. That none of it was true. It was all a lie. But I know deep down, it will never happen. There is nothing more for me. It is done. My life with him is over.

[JoelBarish]

How long has it been since your break up?

 

I know what you mean about how you don't want the day to come that you feel indifferent towards him. It's like you feel as long as you still have feelings for him, it's not really over. And to make it worse, if you who cared so much gets over it, that means his feelings for you will definitely be gone too.

 

I've felt more pain with my recent break up than I ever had with other break ups. But this wasn't the worst break up, though it was the most painful in the moment. The worst break up for me is one in which I carried hope for my ex returning for several years and she never came back. I suffered so long needlessly. I much prefer this break up. It hurt really bad all at once but because I've been down this road before, I know that yes life will go on and it's better to let go as soon as possible.

[petall]

Break-ups are agony, you feel your world has ended and you will never find anyone again.

 

You have to concentrate on the fact he was not the right person for you. He disrespected you and your relationship by cheating on you.

 

You deserve someone who will never betray you like that, who will want you only and who will never let you down. Your ex broke all these.

[Janni]

How long has it been since your break up?

 

Technically, It's been 3 months. LC during the first month. Then he wanted me back, wanted me to move back in and told me, how much he still loved me, that I was his dream and so on. So for a month we worked on getting back together. And then three weeks ago I found out he'd been seeing his colleague throughout the last month. He's now with her. So.. it's only been three weeks for me.

[Janni]

Break-ups are agony, you feel your world has ended and you will never find anyone again.

 

You have to concentrate on the fact he was not the right person for you. He disrespected you and your relationship by cheating on you.

 

You deserve someone who will never betray you like that, who will want you only and who will never let you down. Your ex broke all these.

 

Yes, I know. I feel so torn. On one hand I keep thinking he's not worth it, he's not special, I can easily find someone better, he had so many flaws and so on. But on the other hand I keep thinking about him, dreaming about him, feeling physically ill whenever I stumble upon something that relates to him. I wish my brain could take control - Because I know he's not worth it. I know somehow I'll get through this. But my feelings are so different from what I know.

[petall]

Yes, I know. I feel so torn. On one hand I keep thinking he's not worth it, he's not special, I can easily find someone better, he had so many flaws and so on. But on the other hand I keep thinking about him, dreaming about him, feeling physically ill whenever I stumble upon something that relates to him. I wish my brain could take control - Because I know he's not worth it. I know somehow I'll get through this. But my feelings are so different from what I know.

 

 

Your feelings are completely normal for someone who's invested in the relationship and cared for her boyfriend. Your heart doesn't want to let go because it's used to all the warm fuzzy feelings and the comfort of having someone in your life.

 

It's not great being single again - you think will anyone ever love me again?

 

You recognise yourself your ex was not a good person. You need to work yourself towards recovering. Make sure you go no contact strictly. Cut him from your life completely. Otherwise, you will just get strung along endlessly, with your emotions never given the chance to move on from this relationship.

 

Be a stranger to him from now on. Listen to what everyone says on this forum - No Contact from here on strictly. You have nothing to say to him anyway - he's chosen his bed (literally). He's moved onto someone else. Well...didn't take him long? So good riddance.

[Janni]

Your feelings are completely normal for someone who's invested in the relationship and cared for her boyfriend. Your heart doesn't want to let go because it's used to all the warm fuzzy feelings and the comfort of having someone in your life.

 

It's not great being single again - you think will anyone ever love me again?

 

You recognise yourself your ex was not a good person. You need to work yourself towards recovering. Make sure you go no contact strictly. Cut him from your life completely. Otherwise, you will just get strung along endlessly, with your emotions never given the chance to move on from this relationship.

 

Be a stranger to him from now on. Listen to what everyone says on this forum - No Contact from here on strictly. You have nothing to say to him anyway - he's chosen his bed (literally). He's moved onto someone else. Well...didn't take him long? So good riddance.

 

As soon as I found out, I went NC. I did respond to a breadcrumb 5 days later, which is why I'm only 3 weeks NC. I blocked his number. Deleted him on facebook. Everything reminding me of him, I either threw out or put in a box on my loft. But it's still as if he's in my life. I'm not in contact with him in any way. He's only in my mind.

 

I must say I'm proud of myself for leaving when I found out about her. And for sticking with NC. I don't even want to check to see if he's tried contacting me. That does make me feel proud somehow.

 

I also started a blog, to write down what I feel/think. And I'm trying to meditate daily. But he's on my mind almost constantly..

[Lizrd3000]

Are you NUTS?!?!?!?!

 

I'm a guy of 18 years old, I would NEVER cheat on a girlfriend, no matter WHAT.

 

it's never your fault if your SO cheats on you, don't play that game on yourself!!!!! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IT JUST IS NOT.

 

Please realize this, stop torturing yourself.

He isn't worth it, the scum. I'm sorry, but I hate cheaters, I just despise them. they don't know how much damage it does to the other (take yourself for example, you're blaming yourself, it couldn't get any worse..)

 

Please know that this isn't your fault, cheaters will always cheat.

 

I'm not a cheater, and I would never cheat no matter what. If I had issues with my girl, I would talk about it, and if it can't be fixed, I'd break it up, but I'd never cheat.

 

please realize that this has nothing to do with you, but more with him.

 

please heal as soon as possible.

[Janni]

Are you NUTS?!?!?!?!

 

I'm a guy of 18 years old, I would NEVER cheat on a girlfriend, no matter WHAT.

 

it's never your fault if your SO cheats on you, don't play that game on yourself!!!!! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. IT JUST IS NOT.

 

Please realize this, stop torturing yourself.

He isn't worth it, the scum. I'm sorry, but I hate cheaters, I just despise them. they don't know how much damage it does to the other (take yourself for example, you're blaming yourself, it couldn't get any worse..)

 

Please know that this isn't your fault, cheaters will always cheat.

 

I'm not a cheater, and I would never cheat no matter what. If I had issues with my girl, I would talk about it, and if it can't be fixed, I'd break it up, but I'd never cheat.

 

please realize that this has nothing to do with you, but more with him.

 

please heal as soon as possible.

 

Thank you for being so blunt with me. I appreciate that in all seriousness.

 

What bothers me is 1) we weren't actually in a relationship at the time. We were already broken up, but trying to get back together. He did lie to my face, saying, promising he did not want anyone else and wasn't seeing anyone else. 2) His ex, before me, cheated on him. We talked about this, as it had hurt him deeply. He told me how awful it was and how much he despised cheaters. That even though he loved me dearly, he would never be able to forgive me if I cheated on him. So how could he do it to me? I know somehow he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. But then he should have been honest with me. Not getting angry with me when I told him I'd been on ONE date. Not telling me he wanted us to be exclusive even though he wasn't ready to be back in the relationship.

 

I am not blaming myself as much as I am wondering rationally if I could have done anything different. I always ponder on the past. I am a person whom thinks things through ten times and then once again. I have tried breaking this "habit" but it seems inevitable.

[JoelBarish]

Yeah I think too much too. But I keep getting reminded that no matter how much I analyze how things happened, that still doesn't change that it happened.

 

I just want to reinforce what has been said already, it wasn't your fault. Sure you could have done things different but so could he.

[AnyaNova]

Janni, If he was cheating while you were trying to get back together, do you think he wasn't cheating while you were together?

 

Or at least considering the possibility to a degree that makes it obvious that he was not good significant other material?

 

You definitely deserve better.

[Janni]

Janni, If he was cheating while you were trying to get back together, do you think he wasn't cheating while you were together?

 

Or at least considering the possibility to a degree that makes it obvious that he was not good significant other material?

 

You definitely deserve better.

 

I have considered it. But he has always been such a great guy. We were together six years and I just can't believe he would cheat on me. But obviously I don't know him. He told me, when I found out about her, that he'd always flirted innocently. I didn't know. I am starting to question our entire relationship. It hurts so bad and it feels like it was all a lie. Six years. Wasted. I thought I knew him. We were always best friends. Stuck together through everything.

 

I thought he felt like me. That this was it. The best it could be. That even though we had our fights, it would always be me and him. Always.

 

I remember all those times he told me I meant the world to him. All those times he wanted me to move in. How beautiful he said I was. That I was his one. His support. More important than his family. I never imagined he would forget me from one day to the other and live his life as if nothing happened. As if the last six years never happened. I feel so stupid. So replaceable.

[Mariposa10]

I have considered it. But he has always been such a great guy. We were together six years and I just can't believe he would cheat on me. But obviously I don't know him. He told me, when I found out about her, that he'd always flirted innocently. I didn't know. I am starting to question our entire relationship. It hurts so bad and it feels like it was all a lie. Six years. Wasted. I thought I knew him. We were always best friends. Stuck together through everything.

 

I thought he felt like me. That this was it. The best it could be. That even though we had our fights, it would always be me and him. Always.

 

I remember all those times he told me I meant the world to him. All those times he wanted me to move in. How beautiful he said I was. That I was his one. His support. More important than his family. I never imagined he would forget me from one day to the other and live his life as if nothing happened. As if the last six years never happened. I feel so stupid. So replaceable.

 

I can relate to all of this. Things do get better. I used to feel like you, but now I feel better. Hang in there. Stop over analyzing everything trying to figure out what you did wrong.

[Janni]

I can relate to all of this. Things do get better. I used to feel like you, but now I feel better. Hang in there. Stop over analyzing everything trying to figure out what you did wrong.

 

Thank you Mariposa10. I appreciate that. It gives me hope.

 

I would like to tell you guys something else. I think my colleague is coming on to me. He's started writing me on fb - Which he never did. Saying we should hang out some time. And yesterday there was this work related party, but I didn't go. I was too sad. He texted me and asked if I wasn't coming. Said he had hoped to see me.

 

Am I putting too much into this or is there something there? No matter what, it's nice to feel like someone cares.

[Mariposa10]

Thank you Mariposa10. I appreciate that. It gives me hope.

 

I would like to tell you guys something else. I think my colleague is coming on to me. He's started writing me on fb - Which he never did. Saying we should hang out some time. And yesterday there was this work related party, but I didn't go. I was too sad. He texted me and asked if I wasn't coming. Said he had hoped to see me.

 

Am I putting too much into this or is there something there? No matter what, it's nice to feel like someone cares.

 

 

Next time you know of a party go!! Of course don't go crazy and get super wasted, but just go so you can be around people. You'll start re-discovering yourself, after being in a relationship for such a long time!!

[Janni]

Next time you know of a party go!! Of course don't go crazy and get super wasted, but just go so you can be around people. You'll start re-discovering yourself, after being in a relationship for such a long time!!

 

The problem is I am too afraid of meeting him. Since I am in NC I don't know if he's out the same night and his "gang" and my "gang" usually go to the same bar. I am not emotionally strong enough to face him yet. In any way. Just stumbling across a picture of him or the fact that his name is still on my facebook chatlist on my phone is hard enough to deal with. (I don't know why his name is still on my chatlist. I deleted him and I've tried refreshing and loggin out/in to facebook. But it's still there.)

[Mariposa10]

The problem is I am too afraid of meeting him. Since I am in NC I don't know if he's out the same night and his "gang" and my "gang" usually go to the same bar. I am not emotionally strong enough to face him yet. In any way. Just stumbling across a picture of him or the fact that his name is still on my facebook chatlist on my phone is hard enough to deal with. (I don't know why his name is still on my chatlist. I deleted him and I've tried refreshing and loggin out/in to facebook. But it's still there.)

 

I know what you mean, I'm still scared about going out when I know my ex has days off. I'm not ready to see him. I don't feel as bad as I used to feel a couple of months ago, but I still don't feel ready.

 

I guess my point is that you need to start forcing yourself to be around people again. You need to get out of this black hole which only keeps sucking you in.

[Janni]

I know what you mean, I'm still scared about going out when I know my ex has days off. I'm not ready to see him. I don't feel as bad as I used to feel a couple of months ago, but I still don't feel ready.

 

I guess my point is that you need to start forcing yourself to be around people again. You need to get out of this black hole which only keeps sucking you in.

 

I understand. It's been 4 weeks since I initially found out about the cheating. And for weeks I didn't go out. But I did go to school three days last week. This week school was off, but I've been doing stuff with my mom and like that. Though still avoiding places he might be. But I am not staying at home all the time.

 

And next week I will be leaving the house every day. Tomorrow I have scheduled an appointment at the bloodbank. Then I have to meet up with my study group later on. The rest of the week I have classes, but I have also got a few plans with friends. So I am trying to get out and do stuff though it's hard.