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Getting over an infatuation


Nikki Sahagin

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Nikki Sahagin

To briefly summarise the story, I was in a long distance relationship for a little less than a year. I began developing strong feelings for a new man that I met. I decided to end my long distance relationship because I realised, with sadness, that my feelings had changed and also that a permanent future was just not possible in our circumstances. It was a very 'fast' decision but actually it was a correct one. I did not think it was fair to continue in my long distance relationship when I was developing SUCH strong feelings for someone new. I took it as an indication that perhaps the long distance was killing/had killed what existed between me and my ex and that eventually, it would need to be a decision I would have to make anyway.

 

Unfortunately, things have not worked with the new guy. I am happy that I took a risk on him because if things COULD have worked with him, I would have taken the chance (which tells me everything I need to know about my ex). The problem is that I am now trying to overcome the strong infatuation I had with him.

 

It's very painful because I felt alive, ecstatic, blissful and now I just feel flat. I know crushes can make you feel like that. There's so much feeling and then BAM...it's gone. It felt like I was riding a wave and it crashed. So now I just walk around all day feeling very flat wondering how to get over him.

 

He was gorgeous, we had amazing chemistry, he was incredibly intelligent, charismatic, very thoughtful, compassionate, all in all a very wonderful and rare person. He had his fair share of issues also, but he was very upfront about them. Basically, I am fully aware he is not perfect but I am quite blinded by his mixture of physical attractiveness/my physical attraction and emotional connection to him and the conversations we used to have.

 

I NEED to get over this infatuation but I am finding it hard to. I am 24, hardly 14 and have been through my fair share of crushes and infatuations. But this one I am finding particularly difficult. It really doesn't get easier as you get older!

 

Does anyone have any advice?

I just feel flat and bored by life without him in it.

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devilish innocent

Well, time will help. i would also suggest giving yourself other things to look forward to. Start planning your next vacation. Or with the holidays just a couple of months away, you could start getting involved with that. If there's any part of the holidays you enjoy like shopping, cooking meals, seeing people, start putting together plans for that. Try to find something besides your crush that you can be energetic about and that will take away some of the dullness.

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todreaminblue

spend time with other people, see that the qualities you found attractive are in others as well, then that infatuation will fade when you see that even though the guy you had a crush on was amazing there are many amazing guys with the qualities you like..he isnt the only one on the planet...... i felt this way about my ex and then a recent crush i had myself that remained just that a crush ..try to have no contact with the guy.......spend time with your family and friends do things you love and take it easy on yourself when you feel flat........deb

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What the actual fack..

Your situation it's a lot familiar. Except from your age.

 

Anyway, as i see it, you idealize him too much. You can't move on if you think like that.

The only thing i could suggest, is that you should keep yourself busy, spend time with friends and meet new people, not necessarily by dating them. Just socialize and focus on your goals. Also NC. Total NC, no FB, if you need it block him too. Your goal here is to move on.

I don't know what else i could suggest, just give it time, specially if this it's fresh.

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Nikki Sahagin
What the actual fack..

Your situation it's a lot familiar. Except from your age.

 

Anyway, as i see it, you idealize him too much. You can't move on if you think like that.

The only thing i could suggest, is that you should keep yourself busy, spend time with friends and meet new people, not necessarily by dating them. Just socialize and focus on your goals. Also NC. Total NC, no FB, if you need it block him too. Your goal here is to move on.

I don't know what else i could suggest, just give it time, specially if this it's fresh.

 

Thanks Waz.

It's very true that I probably am idealizing him, but definitely for me he is very physically/emotionally unique. Very different to a lot of guys of his age which is part of what made him so attractive. Lots of deep thoughts and intelligence running around in his head behind a very attractive exterior. I don't find that all too much :p

But I did make a list of his flaws....lazy, indecisive, lacks initiative, cynical, insomniac, so it's very clear to me that he has flaws.

But you know in that stage of infatuation where even the flaws don't matter too much?

 

It's harsh though because I really thought something could happen with us and he just backed off completely, so my infatuation was all fuelled up and then crashed and burned!

 

Uh, it does suck!

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I tend to look at infatuation as more fantasy based than anything. Eliminate the fantasy and how you may have built this person up in your mind to be some sort of god. Sit back and watch the bubble of infatuation burst then fade away. Distraction with friends, family and hobbies may help some. Good luck.

 

Mea :-)

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Nikki Sahagin

It also sucks because outside of the infatuation, he is someone I could see as a good friend, so I am also mourning that too!

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I am slightly confused. Maybe you explained this on another thread. Why do you call it just an infatuation?

 

What did not work with him that you ended it?

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I am slightly confused. Maybe you explained this on another thread. Why do you call it just an infatuation?

 

What did not work with him that you ended it?

 

AFAIK, the OP's ex lives in Thailand and does not desire to move to where she is. Hence the only option for them to ever be together in the future would be for her to move to Thailand, which she is (rightfully so, IMO) reluctant to do.

 

(Sorry if I misspeak, OP, but I recall that from your last LDR thread and thought I would save you the hassle. Please correct me if I'm wrong :))

 

Also, Nikki, I think you're doing the right thing. Love really isn't enough to sustain a LDR - if you can't be together and it's making you unhappy, sometimes the best thing to do is to end things. I think you made the right choice for your future in this case.

 

How do you get over it? There isn't a magic bullet, I'm afraid. Friends, hobbies, family, career, some self-pampering. :)

 

Good luck.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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Nikki Sahagin

Hi E :)

 

Yes, it was basically that one of us would have to move country and/or CONSTANTLY be travelling back and forth. The love didn't die...it just became too difficult a situation.

 

However, it's the infatuation with the new love interest that is hardest for me to get over :(

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Thanks Waz.

It's very true that I probably am idealizing him, but definitely for me he is very physically/emotionally unique. Very different to a lot of guys of his age which is part of what made him so attractive. Lots of deep thoughts and intelligence running around in his head behind a very attractive exterior. I don't find that all too much :p

But I did make a list of his flaws....lazy, indecisive, lacks initiative, cynical, insomniac, so it's very clear to me that he has flaws.

But you know in that stage of infatuation where even the flaws don't matter too much?

 

It's harsh though because I really thought something could happen with us and he just backed off completely, so my infatuation was all fuelled up and then crashed and burned!

 

Uh, it does suck!

 

I am in the EXACT same situation. I too have an infatuation that I just can't let go of. My list of flaws actually outweighs the list of good.... But as you said, the flaws don't matter too much.

 

I would definitely recommend not having contact and not looking at FB, Instagram etc... because that just fuels the fire even more. Lucky for you you don't work with him like I do with my infatuation. I seem to do fine until I come back to work on Monday and have to start all over again.

 

I think the big key is to do things to keep your mind occupied with other things and put yourself out there to meet other people.

 

*These are things I have told myself but seem to fail to do.....

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