In love with a work colleague who's in a relationship

[frogaloop]

Sooo things have come to a head in my life were I'm starting to dread going into work.

 

The situation:

A colleague joined our team in work around a year ago; a really nice girl, quiet and low on confidence, but as time went on we seemed to get on better and better, and around 4 months ago I realised I was developing strong feelings for her. The problem? Well, she's been in a relationship with someone for 2 years. Someone who work friends have told me is controlling to the point of were he has stopped her socialising with work friends (I think largely because he works alone and is jealous of her having a social life). Regardless, we became quite close over the last few months and she was coyly flirting with me, which given how shy she is is probably the furthest she'd take things herself. In any other situation I'd at least tell her how I feel but being work this complicates things - not to mention there's someone else in our team who is intent on pursuing me even though I have been honest and told her I'm not interested. I don't want to cause any jealousies or problems in the team, although the fact is that most people know how I feel about this girl, to the point where I'm being quiet around her in case she knows this from someone else. The upshot of all this is that work is miserable at the moment, and I'm still hopelessly in love with this girl. Is there any advice anyone can offer, who's perhaps been in a similar situation?

[AnyaNova]

My own leaning would be to think that both of you sound like very circumspect people. I think that if you, unless it became extremely serious, kept business-like at the office and did not reveal your relationship, that you might consider going on a few dates and seeing where it leads. Just keep it away as long as possible.

 

I think the risks are very low as far as awkwardness if the two of you broke up later, as I said you both sound very circumspect and like mature individuals who would be able to work together after.

 

Perhaps I am all wet, but I think go for it. I mean, do you really want to keep posting in this forum about what might be or could have been?

 

Edit: I am home sick on all kinds of medicine. Forgot the whole, "she's in a relationship" thing.

 

You might quietly inquire if she is happy in it. You might gently and without pressure let her know that you would never intrude, but that you would like one with her and see what happens.

 

A couple of questions too, that might help.

 

How old are both you? How long have you worked there (the longer you've been there the less risk, I think) Is there an office policy against it? And just for my own curiosity, how did you come by the name frogaloop?

Edited September 20, 2013 by AnyaNova

[Mr Scorpio]

For me it would depend on how much I valued the job. I imagine your best case scenario, assuming that things didn't blow up in your face, is that you are "stuck" seeing this woman all the time. Think about that for a moment. Love, especially infatuation-based unrequited love, can only carry you so far.

 

So, if we're talking McDonald's and you can find other work easily? Go for it. If this is a job that you need/enjoy, I would tread lightly.

[frogaloop]

Thanks for the replies. The colleague's 24 and I'm 27, though she herself is very mature for her age. I've been there just over a year and her a bit less. And there's definitely no office policy against that kind of thing (our manager's even tried to kick start inter-office romances).

If it was obvious her current relationship was healthy I'd be inclined to try and get over it a lot easier, but from my own perceptions and that of friends I don't think it is.

I think I'll ask her to lunch next time she's in work, keep it casual, and just let her know how I feel about her. That way I won't feel I'm intruding on her too much, and if she does want anything more then the ball's in her court. I know I'll feel a lot easier with her knowing, and she's level-headed enough not to freak out. Her friendship is still important to me whatever.