My Ex has become TOXIC to me :(

[JamesDouglas]

Hi. Had to join and post because have been really stressed tonight!

 

Ok. I loved my partner very much and he loved me a lot. But I was an alcoholic and it really destroyed my life.

 

It has been two years now since we broke up. For the first year I was in denial. I thought I could win him back and just wait. I tried to change for him and it backfired and I went into meltdown again.

 

So this year I decided I was getting older and really needed to strengthen myself and change. Otherwise I was just going to end up a very sick, poor and lonely guy and possibly dead before my time.

 

So I quit my life in London. I went back home to my parents. Where there was almost no stress of day to day living. No bills, no job etc to stay sober and just start and gain weight and become a healthy and happy young man again. I got rid of all my social media in February too including my ex and just deleted it all. I wanted NO CONTACT with my old life or anyone I knew. I just wanted distance.

 

So for the past 6 months I have been gaining weight (healthy weight). Stayed sober. Thinking of returning to London to start my independent life again with my own place, career and dating etc.

 

Yet I still think about my ex. Most of the time I don't. But one of the disadvantages of coming back home to get sober and stay sober etc is a lot of time.

 

Anyway tonight I really thought about my ex and googled him for the first time in 6 months. It just sort of made me hurt again a lot and I got very upset.

 

Here is the thing?! I miss him and I am full of regret. I wonder if I had been sober and normal rather than an addict what would happen with me and him? I want to know whether we could have a relationship of happiness and health one day?

 

I love him. Despite my issues I have not been crazy and contacted him etc. I have left him alone. But despite having gone in NC with a lot of people in my life. Including my own mother (who is an alcoholic and brings me down) but I can't forget him. I do miss him.

 

So I am really confused? I know I can never speak to him or see him if he has the power to illicit such strong emotions in me and bring me down. Yet on the other hand I wonder when the day will come he won't have that affect and whether we can speak again?

 

I know second chances are extremely rare. But I feel like maybe in this case there is a genuine case for it? He left. He had too. I have been getting my life together and worked damn hard. I don't want him to be with an addict. He deserves better. So I have been sober now for 6 months. But I need love too and my heart is with him. Even if I lie to myself or ignore it. I know that it is him I want.

 

We did not end on bad terms. He certainly does not hate me. We just stopped speaking before I deleted my social media because our emotions were raw and we needed space and time.

 

From his perspective from what I understood I think he feels this: My life was starting to bring him down and make him unhappy. But his feelings were telling him he wanted to be with me. He left and made the right decision for both of us actually at the time. Now I think and with good reason he would be incredibly wary of me because of what I used to be like. Why should he believe I have gotten better and changed? I know he probably still has some feelings.

 

He can still hurt me when I think of him because of the regrets I have as mentioned. The regret that I allowed myself to become addicted and therefore jeapodise and destroy my relationship with someone I really loved and that loved me too.

 

Your advice?

Edited August 27, 2013 by JamesDouglas

[JamesMay]

Hey man,

 

Quite a story! Congrats on sobering up. You should be really, really happy and proud about this even though 6 months is only a start.

 

Personally, I don't think fishing for a second chance with your ex would be a good choice for you for two reasons.

 

Firstly, you are clearly working hard on yourself but after what you went through there is still much to be done: getting your career back on track, getting used to living alone and killing time in more productive ways as you mentioned... Invest in yourself before you start investing in any serious relationship within the next couple of months. Not only will this increase your sense of self worth, it will make you much calmer in your relationship. Start reading some good books, work out a little, write down your story...

 

Secondly, what you are going through is a painful proces and many regrets will come up but it is way too early to get a clear picture about everything. Alcohol is much more than just a physical addiction. what you want to avoid is getting into the same environment and state of mind. As he was your partner a lot of the triggers that made you drink are going to be related to him. Maybe he somehow made you feel inferior or insufficient? Even if he didn't do it deliberately, if you were drinking all the time it is unlikely he was making you very happy, at least in a healthy sustainable way.

 

Carve out a new road. Plenty of opportunities in London. Why not get a job and save up some money to go travalling for a while? It can give you a fun and attainable goal for the next couple of months. You can spend part of your free time planning your trip exactly the way you want it so you already have something to. When you come back you'll have gained perspective and a lot of stories. Whatever you do it's all about you now! Be selfish

[SoberinChi]

James, I can totally relate to your post.

 

I am a recovering alcholic (just made one year) and also ruined a relationship with my drinking/addiction. Based on numberous friends in the program I've talked to, most partners to active addicts are unhealthy themselves. It's a lock and key thing. They tend to be codependent and often wind up as enablers. Think about it...now that we are strong and healthy, with a clear mind, would you date someone who had our issues? Of course not.

 

I think you'll find that even if you did get back together with this person you would immediately notice flaws you hadn't seen before, that were covered up by your drinking.

 

Trust me from experience...move on. People who date/enable addicts are often just as sick, if not sicker.

 

Take it one day at a time.

[todreaminblue]

congratulations....i am also a non drinker too ...used to drink just to get wasted and forget what i was doing that i shouldnt, to forget memories for a night..... i have not had a drink in years......woot woot.......

 

 

i think theres a possibility that things might work out.......i normally say exes are exes for a reason....and second time around old problems that broke you up exist still but hav eben pushed to the back they normally come back..in my experience with people i hav eknown this turns out to be true.......but i have been so wrong about things lately.....i am going to say anything is possible.....i actually have a heart instinct that you should work on yrouself th eextra pressure of a relationship with an ex or soemone new is going to put pressure on you......not pressure you are ready for because you are actually not confident.....you are unsure of a direction to take so dotn take one yet...work on you...be good to you....so you can take my heart advice into account or the other part of me that says go for it......i dont trust my heart at the moment its retarded and blind..deb

[b3rny]

Hi. Had to join and post because have been really stressed tonight!

 

Ok. I loved my partner very much and he loved me a lot. But I was an alcoholic and it really destroyed my life.

 

It has been two years now since we broke up. For the first year I was in denial. I thought I could win him back and just wait. I tried to change for him and it backfired and I went into meltdown again.

 

So this year I decided I was getting older and really needed to strengthen myself and change. Otherwise I was just going to end up a very sick, poor and lonely guy and possibly dead before my time.

 

So I quit my life in London. I went back home to my parents. Where there was almost no stress of day to day living. No bills, no job etc to stay sober and just start and gain weight and become a healthy and happy young man again. I got rid of all my social media in February too including my ex and just deleted it all. I wanted NO CONTACT with my old life or anyone I knew. I just wanted distance.

 

So for the past 6 months I have been gaining weight (healthy weight). Stayed sober. Thinking of returning to London to start my independent life again with my own place, career and dating etc.

 

Yet I still think about my ex. Most of the time I don't. But one of the disadvantages of coming back home to get sober and stay sober etc is a lot of time.

 

Anyway tonight I really thought about my ex and googled him for the first time in 6 months. It just sort of made me hurt again a lot and I got very upset.

 

Here is the thing?! I miss him and I am full of regret. I wonder if I had been sober and normal rather than an addict what would happen with me and him? I want to know whether we could have a relationship of happiness and health one day?

 

I love him. Despite my issues I have not been crazy and contacted him etc. I have left him alone. But despite having gone in NC with a lot of people in my life. Including my own mother (who is an alcoholic and brings me down) but I can't forget him. I do miss him.

 

So I am really confused? I know I can never speak to him or see him if he has the power to illicit such strong emotions in me and bring me down. Yet on the other hand I wonder when the day will come he won't have that affect and whether we can speak again?

 

I know second chances are extremely rare. But I feel like maybe in this case there is a genuine case for it? He left. He had too. I have been getting my life together and worked damn hard. I don't want him to be with an addict. He deserves better. So I have been sober now for 6 months. But I need love too and my heart is with him. Even if I lie to myself or ignore it. I know that it is him I want.

 

We did not end on bad terms. He certainly does not hate me. We just stopped speaking before I deleted my social media because our emotions were raw and we needed space and time.

 

From his perspective from what I understood I think he feels this: My life was starting to bring him down and make him unhappy. But his feelings were telling him he wanted to be with me. He left and made the right decision for both of us actually at the time. Now I think and with good reason he would be incredibly wary of me because of what I used to be like. Why should he believe I have gotten better and changed? I know he probably still has some feelings.

 

He can still hurt me when I think of him because of the regrets I have as mentioned. The regret that I allowed myself to become addicted and therefore jeapodise and destroy my relationship with someone I really loved and that loved me too.

 

Your advice?

 

Hey,

 

this sounds exactly like my breakup except mine happened 10 days ago and he wont speak to, blocked me any form of communication and pretty much just walked out...

 

It feels like crap... I did 1 day of NC then sent him a congratulatory msg to which he didnt reply so now i am back to feeling like crap

[Omei]

Having it been 2 years since you broke up and still checking his media and given by your post still hurting as if it was the first few months. You haven't recovered from the break up, seems you're living a fantasy dream of him coming back, it's been 2 years he is not coming back and you're very much dwelling in the past of what if's and could have's. This is not helping you in any way and I think maybe you should seek someone to speak too this is very unhealthy.

 

Congrats on your recovery! good job.

 

@todreaminblue

Feeding her hope after them being apart for 2 years is somewhat cruel.

Do not use your ex as a reason to better yourself, you will be let down its likely this persons already moved on.

 

She should do it for her and only her.

Edited October 3, 2013 by Omei